To think nursery isn't *better* for children?

[Anon8604]

I'm part of an NCT group, all of the babies are around a year old. Parents have made a variety of decisions about work and childcare, some back to work full time, some part time and some not returning to work. The babies whose parents are working are all in nursery for between 3 and 5 days a week.

Lately there have been lots of conversations about how the babies are getting on at nursery. Obviously it's great that they are mostly settling in well, but I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home. FWIW, I think different choices work for different families, not that one is better than the other.

The comments have been stuff like:

"She does so many activities at nursery, way more than you could ever do at home. It's really good for her development, I think she'd miss out on stuff if I kept her at home."

"It's better for them to socialise at an early age. You could always tell the school kids who didn't go to nursery cause they'd stand around at break times on their own."

"Her language is streets ahead compared to a couple of months ago, there's no way she'd have come on so much without nursery."

"It's really hard settling them in, but having an example of a working mum is worth it. I want them to know you have to work for things in life."

AIBU to think they're being a bit judgemental about the people who've chosen to stay home? I feel like if someone said something comparable about staying at home (like they think their child does better with one to one attention or something) then it'd be seen as judging those who are choosing to use a nursery, but somehow criticising people who aren't using nursery seems to be more acceptable?

Bertiebotts- completely agree, and I've no doubt that becoming too obsessed with this idea of having to measure up to some 'score' in parenting can actually ironically do more damage to children!

Working in education, I've come across parents who are so invested in 'getting it right' that it's actually counter productive. Being loving and supportive, yet retaining a healthy degree of 'just letting your child be' is a very difficult balance to strike, but it does seem to be the key ingredient in maintaining a positive relationship with your children.

I also feel that some people believe you have to fall into one 'camp'- that if you're a WOHP then it must mean you wouldn't be happy being at home and vice versa.

Not true.

I've no doubt I could have quite happily spent several years as a SAHM. I liked the company of my small children immensely, I'm pretty self sufficient so never got bored. I was keen to keep my work life too though, so went back to work after ML. It's perfectly possible that many of us would be equally happy doing either.

I also find this perspective strange, and I have two at nursery. I would have chosen a childminder every time for my second, as I did until 2yrs for my 1st. I couldn't afford it though, as my nursery was (bizarrely and fortunately) cheaper. I tried telling myself that it was 'better'. At least until 2yrs, I was kidding myself. Yes, from that o

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/9156424/Grandparents-better-than-nurseries-for-young-childrens-development.html
My daughter was very fortunate then.

Oops...at least from 2yrs on I think the social interaction is fab, and they do get bored at home for long periods. I don't see why people are in such a hurry for their kid to 'develop' though. It's not a race. Fantastic the kid can learn more words at nursery, but there's no evidence nursery going results in greater long term success (to my knowledge, and always prepared to be proven wrong ). Don't dwell on it. Just be happy they're happy, and know you're kids are too! There's too much guilt in parenting

My two year old goes to nursery three days a week, and has done since she was 9 months old.

I wish I hadn't read this thread.

They are rationalising.

Reassuring themselves they made the right decision.

Just like you are with this thread.

I do wish women would stop beating themselves up over it one way or the other.

I've had both experiences. DD1 stayed at home until school and has always been miles ahead of her peers at school due to our one on one focus on her. DD2 goes to nursery and is doing really well- hugely confident, outgoing and bright. Not sure what that does to the argument except to say that if it's good quality care- at home or at nursery then it's good quality care.

@groupie123 - what judgement?! I have an opinion that wherever possible parents are the best carers for their children. Is that really so bloody controversial?
Yes I get it's not always possible (it wasn't for me), and yes I know that there are bad examples of parenting (as there are bad examples of nurseries/creches etc), but what is so awful about saying I'm sick of the same defensive reasons being trotted out to SAHPs about how their children are somehow suffering from not being socialised by being put in a room with 20 other tots for 8 hours a day? I've had this said to me so many times it's ridiculous.

I don't care what others do, as everyone has to do what's best for their own family situation, but in my experience SAHPs are expected to stay quiet about the perceived benefits of looking after their own children full-time, but it's completely acceptable that working parents can harp on about how necessary nurseries are for a child's development!

I've never heard a working parent harp on about how amazing nurseries are for their child's socialisation. What I have heard is them say how great that they have a good nursery which their child enjoys going to which enables mum and dad to both continue in work. Very different thing. Like I said, many people can feel that childcare is a neutral thing- not better or worse. The bonus is that it facilitates both parents to work.

I wish that was my experience Babbitywabbit, but I don't think I've ever had it put like that to me. Instead the emphasis is always (ALWAYS) on socialisation, plus other factors like setting children a good example by both parents working FT, them getting the opportunity to do stuff they wouldn't at home etc. If only the people I knew were as reasonable as the ones you know!!

My twins were in nursery from 8 months - DS3 didn't go until pre-school.

It was 'better' for them because for me, staying at home would have been a swift pathway to depression. It was also 'better' because we had more money so could do more stuff when we were all off together.

Staying at home or not is only 'better' when it suits you as a family. It shouldn't just be something you decide on based on the child in my opinion. Mums (and dads but to a lesser extent) are people in their own right and deserve the chance to better their career or whatever, might just be being in a completely kid-free environment, as much as kids deserve to be in a supportive, appropriate childcare setting. Whether that's parent, family, nursery, childminder.

It's a balancing act, none is better than the other.

Well in all seriousness I would try to expand my friendship group if that's what you're hearing. I'm not being flippant; seriously, being around too many people who are bringing you down by implicitly criticising your life style isn't good for anyone

That was to kjs81

The op posted a couple of times and fucked off, notice that?

I have been thinking about this thread. The thing that bothers me is the reasoning that sending kids to nursery makes them do things 'earlier'. As long as the children aren't behind developmentally for their age, is it really important for some people that their kids can do x or y at three instead of four? If so, why is it important? I'm genuinely interested in the response.

Recently I saw a three year old reading a book. His mother was extremely proud. So proud, that she put it on social media. While that child might indeed be a genius, all recent studies I have read discuss delaying reading until the child is seven years old.

Looking at educationally progressive European countries like Finland, they suggest not sending children to school before the age of seven.

Children catch up. After a couple of years st school, there is no difference between those who read at three and those who read at six.

The obsession of getting children to do things earlier baffles me.

Actually twatty, I've been busy this morning and I'm planning to read and reply when my DS has a nap. There's no need to assume the worst of people.

I wouldn't necessarily say guilt but people will naturally, especially where children are concerned, want to assure themselves that their decision is right (WOHM and SAHP both). What you hear is just vocalising of that.

Personally mine went/go to full time nursery and I think it is best for them and us (parents). Mine are very "busy" children and need lots of stimulation. Also I'm not very good at "mummying" and am horrified at the thought of messy play etc (which they love) in my house. I also find keeping them entertained a bit ... boring (weekends are OK but I wouldn't want do do it every day).
Other children and other parents may of course need a totally different balance. There's no right or wrong.

No worries @twatty, (going back a page now), no offence taken. I agree with you really! I don't think anyone should feel guilty either way but I know people do and it's such a shame. Just like with breast vs bottle, baby led weaning vs pureeing, co sleeping vs not etc etc etc. We should all just respect each other's choices and support each other, I think any of it should be one thing being 'better' than the other.

I don't think in my last sentence.

The anti woman stuff on this thread is amazing. Working mums must feel guilty. If they don't, it is because they are disengaged. If they see benefits to their child being in nursery, it is because they are a bit thick and believe the private nurseries' marketing.

Well, no. I have no idea about the large scale research. I haven't read it as it was irrelevant. I had to go back to work. And, luckily for me, turns out DD does really well at her nursery and gets benefits from it that she wouldn't at home. This is not because DH and I are crap. Or sorry, I should say it's not because I'm crap, as we all know this isn't about dads.

It is because nursery provides her with experiences she just would not have at home, since I don't have giant play equipment, a sensory room, 9 other kids her age, a private chef, a swimming pool, and a French tutor in my living room.

Also the thing about children not socialising at one is bollocks. DD did. She had favourite children and would hug them and stroke their faces even from a pre verbal stage. She was super excited when they came to her first birthday. Now, at 2.5y, she has definite friends - little ones whose faces light up when I drop her off, whose mums tell me they tall about her at home. The idea that you can't have friends before 3 is just silly.

I had to go back to work as a single mum, there was no way I could have stayed at home financially. I wouldn't have wanted to either. DD has always been a very sociable child and gets bored at home. Nursery has always worked out well for us. I've never felt guilty about it.

I think people should stop being defensive about their choices and stop worrying about what other people are doing.

Of course you have friends before 3!

We bumped into his little pal in the supermarket and they were so excited to see each other. Cuddles all round, earnest attempts babbling to each other - shrieking with glee.
Mum of the little girl said ' I ask him who he's going to play with every morning and he says (ds s name)
Super cute. Yes they parallel play a lot but they definitely have kids they prefer.

Our kindergarten has small groups, a HUGE adventure playground, painting room, all sorts of stuff. And most importantly v v low staff turnover, and experienced, educated, kind and caring staff. It's worlds away from a baby farm.

Quality is the key. Good quality daycare is a good thing, also flexible working. All kids are different, all nurseries are different. One size doesn't fit all.

Don't take it personally it's guil

Or not. I feel not a shred of any form of guilt for using childcare. You may well have felt guilty and that is down to a lot of societal factors - but it is unrealistic to indicate guilt about people you don't know.

I also agree about the guilt thing. My two are in nursery, I keep telling myself, 'it helps their social skills' or 'all the activities are really good for them and give them lots of variety' etc... but it's only to stop me thinking, 'I miss them sooooo much and am really jealous of all the stay at home mums!'

I would say they are just sharing their experiences rather than comparing to anyone else.

Geek one don't assume it's guilt my abb goes to nursery and I'm not even back at work yet from mat leave and I feel zero guilt