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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to chastise DH (a little) over this?

126 replies

usernotfoundnotfound · 26/07/2017 22:53

DH is a night owl and comes to bed around 4 or 5am and wakes at around 11 or 12 noon. He is very grumpy first thing and barely acknowledges me. I ignore it, or talk at him anyway, and just get on with my day and life regardless. I always get the DC up and dressed and DH wakes up slowly, then is fine and normal and nice.

This morning around 11am, DD (2.5yo) had wet through her knickers and I needed to get her a new pair from mine and DH's bedroom. She followed me upstairs and came into the room with me. I could see DH was emerging as he was lying in bed looking at his phone, but said nothing to us when we came in the room.

DH continued to ignore her.

At which point I said 'DH, please say hello to her." He got very angry with me that I had pointed this out in front of her, and then proceeded to speak to her and give her a cuddle. He was angry because he thought I was making a big deal of something that wasn't a big deal and by asking him to speak to her I was making it a big deal in front of her, or making her feel there was a problem and that he did not care for her.

I don't know whether I was wrong to ask him to acknowledge her. When I tried to explain I said I just didn't want her feeling that she had to work to get the attention of men, or to feel she is treading or eggshells or that it's okay to be ignored or unacknowledged by men. This is a frequent occurrence, because he will not speak to anyone in the morning until he is ready, but today it seemed particularly bad. He wasn't pretending to be asleep, he was obviously awake and ignoring her.

Apart from that he is an excellent Dad (after 12 noon each day.)

WIBU?

OP posts:

inkzooka · 26/07/2017 22:55

Nothing wrong with being a night owl (as long as he does his duties and it fits around work/whatever else he does) but it doesn't take five seconds to say hi to your own child

missiondecision · 26/07/2017 22:56

He's not an excellent dad if he ignores his own child.
Excellent parents don't clock in and out with their sleep pattern.

OwlinaTree · 26/07/2017 22:56

So you do all the morning childcare every day while he lies in bed deciding when he'll deign to talk to his family? Wow.

I don't think you are unreasonable, he sounds rude to me.

PuntasticUsername · 26/07/2017 22:59

How could you ignore your own adorable two year old child like that

What does he do by himself until 4-5 in the morning every day? Gaming, drinking, both?

Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 22:59

Sounds more like you have a dd 2 and a teenager tbh. .

Selfish twonk. .
He needs to shape up or ship out imo. .

Tobuyornot99 · 26/07/2017 22:59

Completely off to ignore your own child because it's before some arbitrary time. Are you allowed to ignore your dc after 6pm and leave him to deal with wet knickers et al? (Not that you'd want to ignore your children I'm sure, but just for comparsion).
I wouldn't be happy with such rudeness in my home OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2017 23:03

DD, in her usual enthusiastic way said "hi Dada! It's me!" She was standing, facing him in the bed as I was pulling up her knickers. And he just ignored her. She stood and waited a bit longer watching him, looking at his phone. She said "Dada?" again. "Mama is changing my pants," and other enthusiastic 2 year old babble. That made me really sad. It's a really heart-breaking thing and I can't understand how he doesn't understand that a small child needs to feel their parents' love.

Does he work nights or anything like that?

LouHotel · 26/07/2017 23:04

My partner sleeps into noon on days he has WORKED to 4am and on quite a few occasions he's finished work at 4am and gotten up 6.30am for a few hours with the toddler because ive been up all night with the baby and need a couple more hours sleep....thats co parenting.

What has he had to change from his child free life? I would be livid having to do all mornings because he's up gaming or whatever.

Katiekatie37 · 26/07/2017 23:05

Does he have a job?!

NoCapes · 26/07/2017 23:05

You have a 2 year old and he lies in bed till noon every day?!
Eh???

NapQueen · 26/07/2017 23:06

What shifts does he work? If he isnt getting in from work until 2/3am theb fair enough to sleep til 11 or 12. However it was extremely rude of him to ignore his small child.

peonie83 · 26/07/2017 23:07

Has he got a job?

Lazy arse ignoring his daughter

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/07/2017 23:08

Is he working with another time zone? Otherwise it's not fair if him to opt out of family life to the extent he does. He was unkind in ignoring your daughter.

FeckinCrutches · 26/07/2017 23:08

Several questions.

When does he work?
Why is it ok for you to do several hours of childcare before he even gets up?
If he is a night owl does he take over at teatime so you get a rest?

MarcelineTheVampire · 26/07/2017 23:11

I'm not a morning person AT ALL- total night owl, however, when I chose to have a family I have had to get used to getting up and being cheery for the sake of my children.

Does he do this everyday? Firstly, I would not be happy at doing the childcare every morning because he has chosen to go to bed so late and secondly, how utterly rude of him to ignore you and his small child.

I'm flabbergasted you've allowed him to continue this way.

NoSquirrels · 26/07/2017 23:12

Erm - night owl or not he is RUDE.

People who are "not good at mornings" just need to learn to cope. It is OK in a family to expect people to make reasonable adjustments for you - I like a cup of tea first thing or I feel arsey, my DH likes to meditate in bed for 20 minutes before he gets up.

But neither of us would ignore a 2 year old in favour of looking at our phones.

That is all sorts of disrespectful.

leaving aside totally the ginormous elephant in the room of how you have a DH who can stay in bed till 11 or 12 every day, let you assume sole care of a pre-schooler at home and still have cash to pay the bills

rollonthesummer · 26/07/2017 23:12

Please tell me he's a shift worker and not just a lazy arse?!

Glumglowworm · 26/07/2017 23:15

Unless he works late shifts or is up all night with another child, there's no excuse for a parent to keep those sort of hours to the detriment of family life.

Most parents don't enjoy getting up at 6am, they do it because they have children and the children are awake and need them.

Does he opt out of other less-fun bits of parenting too?

Ignoring his own child is not something a good parent does.

RainbowPastel · 26/07/2017 23:17

He doesn't sound like an excellent father he sounds like an ignorant pig.

TheweewitchRoz · 26/07/2017 23:18

He sounds like a dick.

Ohyesiam · 26/07/2017 23:18

It is a big deal when someone ignite the needs of their 2 year old, and would happily let then feel unloved. It's a really big deal.
If he wants her to be able to form functional relationships with men when she is an adult, he needs to stop ignoring her now.
It's fine to have that arrangement between adults, but a child will Just feel rejected, and will conclude it's because they are lacking.

Sushi123 · 26/07/2017 23:19

He's an asshole, a selfish thoughtless asshole!

timeisnotaline · 26/07/2017 23:20

I hate mornings with a passion and can barely function. But I have a two year old so I do it with a smile and chatter about the hoover and Brent and the cat and the shop. My dh was up from 4-5 with our 2 year old last night. Neither of us would accept living with your dh because that is not on. What if you're not there?!

MeanAger · 26/07/2017 23:22

what a dick! Why on earth did you have. A child with someone who can't rouse themselves before midday? why did you accept that?

Butterymuffin · 26/07/2017 23:23

He thinks he's much more important than the rest of the family. So unattractive.

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