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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to chastise DH (a little) over this?

126 replies

usernotfoundnotfound · 26/07/2017 22:53

DH is a night owl and comes to bed around 4 or 5am and wakes at around 11 or 12 noon. He is very grumpy first thing and barely acknowledges me. I ignore it, or talk at him anyway, and just get on with my day and life regardless. I always get the DC up and dressed and DH wakes up slowly, then is fine and normal and nice.

This morning around 11am, DD (2.5yo) had wet through her knickers and I needed to get her a new pair from mine and DH's bedroom. She followed me upstairs and came into the room with me. I could see DH was emerging as he was lying in bed looking at his phone, but said nothing to us when we came in the room.

DD, in her usual enthusiastic way said "hi Dada! It's me!" She was standing, facing him in the bed as I was pulling up her knickers. And he just ignored her. She stood and waited a bit longer watching him, looking at his phone. She said "Dada?" again. "Mama is changing my pants," and other enthusiastic 2 year old babble.

DH continued to ignore her.

At which point I said 'DH, please say hello to her." He got very angry with me that I had pointed this out in front of her, and then proceeded to speak to her and give her a cuddle. He was angry because he thought I was making a big deal of something that wasn't a big deal and by asking him to speak to her I was making it a big deal in front of her, or making her feel there was a problem and that he did not care for her.

I don't know whether I was wrong to ask him to acknowledge her. When I tried to explain I said I just didn't want her feeling that she had to work to get the attention of men, or to feel she is treading or eggshells or that it's okay to be ignored or unacknowledged by men. This is a frequent occurrence, because he will not speak to anyone in the morning until he is ready, but today it seemed particularly bad. He wasn't pretending to be asleep, he was obviously awake and ignoring her.

Apart from that he is an excellent Dad (after 12 noon each day.)

WIBU?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 26/07/2017 23:24

I'm surprised you agreed to this arrangement OP. Unless it's to fit around his work hours or something?

Jijhebtseksmetezels · 26/07/2017 23:24

Of course he's being a twat. Having a kid isn't something you get to opt out of.

You don't get to. Why should he?

DearMrDilkington · 26/07/2017 23:24

Ergh what a disgrace of a man.

Why the hell do you allow this behaviour?

Katiekatie37 · 26/07/2017 23:26

He does sound like an asshole. I'm a night owl but Once you have kids you have to change your preffered routine. Im surprised you tolerate it is be going to wake him up every morning.

limitedperiodonly · 26/07/2017 23:27

Why on earth did you have. A child with someone who can't rouse themselves before midday? why did you accept that?

What a twattish response MeanAger

MarcelineTheVampire · 26/07/2017 23:30

To be fair meanager I couldn't rouse myself before 12 before I became a mother so I'm not sure that's an appropriate question. More of a - why have you allowed this to continue.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 26/07/2017 23:30

I would not accept this arrangement but that was not your question. With regards to him ignoring your child (and thus sending the message that she was not important to him in that moment), you are certainly not being unreasonable. Your daughter will grow wary of someone who is inconsistent with her like this. I hope it was a one off.

Before I had DC I was a long standing joke that I didn't speak to anyone before 9am. In part it was true. However, since becoming a monther, many family members have remarked at how I could not be more different and how remarkable it is that I can always be friendly to them, whatever the time now. Parenting changes you. Or it should.

MeanAger · 26/07/2017 23:31

Not twattish at all. It's a genuine question. I don't know why you would want to parent under these circumstances with the other parent just opting out of everything that happens before lunchtime.

53rdWay · 26/07/2017 23:31

That really is not okay. Plenty of us are not morning people but we learn to deal with it. You don't just outright ignore your toddler! What would he do if he had a job starting in the morning? Just not speak to anybody for the first few hours?

Scoobydoobydont · 26/07/2017 23:32

Again with people who know nothing of the situation declaring the bloke selfish, asshole etc etc.

I often don't get up until lunchtime and we have kids.

I work from home, with clients who are mainly in America so am up way after my wife goes to bed every night.

But I guess if you lot of nut jobs read this post from my wife without knowing any detail you would slag me as well.

He should have said hello to his daughter, but often when my wife yaps at me about being "on your phone" I am communicating with a client or a business partner about something important and time critical and just concentrating on doing that. It doesn't mean I don't love my kids or that I am a twat!

AtSea1979 · 26/07/2017 23:33

Waiting to see if he works until 4am or is gaming, online etc

MammaTJ · 26/07/2017 23:34

If he works nights, fine, you should be doing your best to enable sleep.

If not, and I assume not, as you haven't mentioned it, then he is putting his leisure time before DD. That is, staying up late, doing whatever he does for fun in this time before his and your child and I also think before you.

My DP like to play on the playstation. I hate him taking over the TV with it. Sometimes, when there is nothing on I want to watch, or I am busy on here, I will tell him to put it on early. Sometimes he stays up late in the night playing on it. He still gets up and goes to work for 8.30am though, 5 days a week.

Sometimes he snoozes before our DC are in bed. If they require his attention, I will wake him and tell him to stay awake and be a parent. He usually wakes when they want him to though. He has napped for about an hour this evening, after our DC went to bed.

Your DH cannot be allowed or enabled to opt out of parenting in this way! There would be gentle chastising for me, just telling it straight!

MammaTJ · 26/07/2017 23:35

There would be NO gentle chastising*

MoodyMumOfOne · 26/07/2017 23:35

What a lazy lump, checking in and out of parenting when it suits him. I feel sad for you and your lovely child Flowers

MarcelineTheVampire · 26/07/2017 23:36

Wow scooby, I wouldn't have called you a twat but calling us all 'nut jobs' and 'my wife yapping on at me' makes you a bit of a twat. HTH.

StaplesCorner · 26/07/2017 23:37

I guess the OP thought that siting up till 4am then deciding to stay in bed all morning was simply a difference in "body clocks" whereas in fact he's a lazy fuckwit and gets out of parenting etc. My own DH did this when the kids were little. When my eldest DD was that age she asked me "Mummy, why is Daddy so lazy?"

Original poster
usernotfoundnotfound · 26/07/2017 23:39

Sorry -

DH works nights. So he has every right to sleep in until midday. So if he is woken before midday for any reason he is very grumpy.

I try to avoid bringing the DC into our bedroom during his "sleep" time, but it just happened that today I needed another pair of knickers for DD. There have been other things I have had to creep into the bedroom for, in the past, and every time he has ignored her. Today really took the biscuit for me because it was so blatant and I was sitting behind her shoulder and could see her little face watching him and talking and waiting for him to respond.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 26/07/2017 23:39

" ... when my wife yaps at me about being "on your phone" I am communicating with a client or a business partner about something important and time critical and just concentrating on doing that. It doesn't mean I don't love my kids or that I am a twat!"

Erm yes, scooby, if you talk about your wife like that then you are indeed a twat. HTH.

CaretakerToNuns · 26/07/2017 23:40

Typical lazy cunt of a husband who cares about no one but himself. Get rid if you can.

StaplesCorner · 26/07/2017 23:41

OP why did you say he was a "night owl" when in fact he's on shifts, that's two different things entirely. Being a "night owl" is usually taken to mean you enjoy staying up late.

MeanAger · 26/07/2017 23:42

DRIP FEED!

MarcelineTheVampire · 26/07/2017 23:42

If he works nights then that is totally different to being a 'night owl' - however, ignoring your small child is really rude and yes I would be more than chastising him for that.

Original poster
usernotfoundnotfound · 26/07/2017 23:43

StaplesCorner he works for himself but most of his clients are in a different timezone. So he could make a choice to go to bed a bit earlier but he feels he works more effectively during those hours

OP posts:
Scoobydoobydont · 26/07/2017 23:43

Erm yes, scooby, if you talk about your wife like that then you are indeed a twat. HTH.

Meh. Maybe. But turns out op latest update shows I was right and the previous posters who knew nothing of the situation but who just like to bash men with no evidence are in fact, as I pointed out, nutjobs.

Gaggleofgirls · 26/07/2017 23:44

Yep still think you sound like a twat...from your own admission.

Regardless of your work pattern you sound like you need to treat your wife and kids with a bit more respect. They are 'speaking' to you not yapping at you.

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