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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to chastise DH (a little) over this?

126 replies

usernotfoundnotfound · 26/07/2017 22:53

DH is a night owl and comes to bed around 4 or 5am and wakes at around 11 or 12 noon. He is very grumpy first thing and barely acknowledges me. I ignore it, or talk at him anyway, and just get on with my day and life regardless. I always get the DC up and dressed and DH wakes up slowly, then is fine and normal and nice.

This morning around 11am, DD (2.5yo) had wet through her knickers and I needed to get her a new pair from mine and DH's bedroom. She followed me upstairs and came into the room with me. I could see DH was emerging as he was lying in bed looking at his phone, but said nothing to us when we came in the room.

DD, in her usual enthusiastic way said "hi Dada! It's me!" She was standing, facing him in the bed as I was pulling up her knickers. And he just ignored her. She stood and waited a bit longer watching him, looking at his phone. She said "Dada?" again. "Mama is changing my pants," and other enthusiastic 2 year old babble.

DH continued to ignore her.

At which point I said 'DH, please say hello to her." He got very angry with me that I had pointed this out in front of her, and then proceeded to speak to her and give her a cuddle. He was angry because he thought I was making a big deal of something that wasn't a big deal and by asking him to speak to her I was making it a big deal in front of her, or making her feel there was a problem and that he did not care for her.

I don't know whether I was wrong to ask him to acknowledge her. When I tried to explain I said I just didn't want her feeling that she had to work to get the attention of men, or to feel she is treading or eggshells or that it's okay to be ignored or unacknowledged by men. This is a frequent occurrence, because he will not speak to anyone in the morning until he is ready, but today it seemed particularly bad. He wasn't pretending to be asleep, he was obviously awake and ignoring her.

Apart from that he is an excellent Dad (after 12 noon each day.)

WIBU?

OP posts:

RaskolnikovsGarret · 27/07/2017 06:58

Scooby, like you I do Very Important Work at home from time to time. But I have never ignored my DCs like you or OP's DH. I think I have enough self awareness to realise that working from home does not make me God who cannot ever be disturbed. I will still be able to spare a few seconds to be civil to those around me, whose lives are equally important.

And my DH does the same. Our work is our primary focus when working, but it doesn't excuse bad manners to our partners or children.

OP your DH was being an idiot.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2017 07:03

Groupie123

Wtf are you on about? The man was on his phone. It was 11 am. That means he had 7 hours sleep. Hardly first thing. You sound rubbish love.

NapQueen · 27/07/2017 07:07

OP. You need to move dds stuff out of the room so that he can get a full nights sleep after work. At the moment he is having 7 hours sleep after work. No doubt with an hours or sos downtime between finishing work and being ready for bed.

So he was rude on this occasion - but he works nights ffs!! Its rude of you to disturb his sleep.

MarcelineTheVampire · 27/07/2017 07:20

@NapQueen I would kill for 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep but unfortunately as I have young children I have to plaster a smile on my face and get on with it. If he can't manage a smile and a simple hello after 7 hours of sleep that makes him a shit parent.

HotelEuphoria · 27/07/2017 07:32

I'm more passed off at Scoobys response than the OP for drip feeding or her DH for being an ignorant twat.

Believeitornot · 27/07/2017 07:36

@Scoobydoobydont

You've said you wouldn't have ignored your child. This guy did, and this is what makes him a bit of a dick. He ignored her while pissing about on his phone. He wasn't having a phone call.

Groupie123 · 27/07/2017 07:36

@Mummyoflittledragon - I'm not rubbish, just realistic. OP is being a cow

bloodymaria · 27/07/2017 07:37

How is 11am first thing?

Also, why are people getting so wound up about a drip feed? Regardless of the reason for him still being in bed, he was a pillock to ignore his DD - he was already awake!!

NapQueen · 27/07/2017 07:39

Marcelline presumably as the dh is awake in the small hours he goes to the dc if they wake in the night? So the op is likely to also have a seven hour sleep.

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2017 07:40

What a horrible horrible man. His hours are irrelevant. To sit there on his phone and ignore his child like that then blame you is nasty.

I can assure you my husband would pull that shit once and once only and he'd hear it from me. I suggest you tell him that you will not tolerate him teaching his child this rude behaviour, making her feel like that as she could see he was ignoring her, or blaming you.

SandyDenny · 27/07/2017 07:53

The main point here is that he ignored the DD, the rest is background noise. Is there anyone who thinks it's reasonable to ignore 2 year old who's seeing their parent for the first time that day in favour of their phone?

Would it be too big of an assumption to think that he wasn't doing work on his phone?

OP - move the pants out of your room and tell your DH that normal people would acknowledge their children, only insolent teenagers act the way he's done

SpartacusSaiman · 27/07/2017 07:58

The hours isnt an issue for op so it doesnt matter what everyone else thinks.

My opinion is that he should be trying to what he can to maximise his hours while dd is awake. He is up most of the time she is in bed.

However ignoring his own child is disgusting. I wouldn't ignore someone else child if they chatted to me. He needs to step up or she will end disappointed by him over and over again.

Unexpectedbaby · 27/07/2017 07:59

I think the issue, as the OP has stated, is that he ignored her rather than that he was sleeping until late.

For me, fair enough if he was still sleeping, but he was already awake and on his phone. Therefore it would have taken all of 2 seconds to say hello.

I am so grumpy in the mornings, always have been. But DD is in a phase of 5:30am wake ups so even if I am grumpy I never show her that and she isn't even the age where she will pay too much attention to it. Although my DP is known to get into a game on his phone and his wider attention is non existent. It makes me mad and I have spoke to him numerous times that especially as she gets older he can't ignore her.

Never an excuse, work related or not, to ignore your child.

PeggyPatchandPoppy · 27/07/2017 08:03

Why are the knickers in your room and not hers?

Witsender · 27/07/2017 08:05

Tbh, most people with half a brain are more than capable of saying a quick and warm hello to a small child even if they are doing something very busy and important on their phone.

MitMopse · 27/07/2017 08:23

YANBU. I have pointedly asked my DH to respond to our girls too on many an occasion, when he has ignored them looking at his bloody iPhone. Self confident kids come from them feeling worthy of respect and love, and ignoring your kids this way has got to chip away at that feeling.

I mean sometimes it's a bit relentless (four year old 1000 questions/role play scenario instructions per minute) but come on, your wee one was just saying hello! Bless her.

Tobuyornot99 · 27/07/2017 08:30

Totally agree he was a dick, absolutely. But as a shift worker I sometimes think people don't "get" that sleep is necessary between shifts. Various people have asked me to do favours / take parcels / look after kids as I'm "on a day off". 12 hours of nursing overnight is relentless, and sleep is just as necessary as it is for people with more normal hours. Perhaps keep DD out if the bedroom until a set time, when "D"P then gets up and engages with family life. I'd be pretty annoyed if my DP was bringing DD in and out when I was sleeping between shifts. But of course I wouldn't ignore her as I'm her mother, and not a twunt.

aramintafatbottom · 27/07/2017 08:38

My wife talks to me most of the time, sometimes she yaps about things like me being on the phone because she can't grasp that sometimes when I am on the phone I am doing my job, because when she is on the phone she is organising a play date or a lunch.*

Does your wife know you think so little of her scooby? Sounds like she'd be better off without you.

Idgaf how tired or busy or important you are it takes 2 seconds to say hi to your own fucking child and if you can't do that frankly you should not have kids.

LilyMcClellan · 27/07/2017 08:46

OP my OH does this at times and it really annoys me. He'll be sitting on the couch scrolling through something and one of our kids will be right next to him telling him something or repeatedly asking a question, and I'll be over in the kitchen making dinner and have to call out to him "CAN YOU PLEASE RESPOND TO YOUR CHILD?!" It's just disrespectful. You wouldn't ignore a colleague like that, don't do it to your kid.

As for Scooby, who can't manage a civilized "I'm answering an important email, I'll just be a minute" and Groupie, who can't seem to understand that lying in bed scrolling through your phone is different to being fast asleep, stop being so fucking precious. When you have a family, you are no longer entitled to pretend that you are the Centre of the Universe.

TenForward82 · 27/07/2017 09:00

Load of shit on this this thread. OP DH already awake, doesn't deign to speak to anyone in the mornings because he's a mardy twat. The fact he chooses to work nights makes him a saint. JFC.

AuntMarch · 27/07/2017 09:00

He goes to be at 4. 11 am is 7 hours later and he was awake. He was at the very least incredibly disrespectful and rude to his daughter. It doesn't take seconds to say good morning. Or invite her to come and cuddle up to him. Or explain he will be down to play soon.

But also why aren't her knickers in her room?

cluelessnewmum · 27/07/2017 09:05

Of course you were right OP, it is a completely unacceptable way of treating his child. He needs to be very careful as this sort of thing will definitely affect his relationship with his daughter as he is not being consistent with her. Being a good parent isn't just about being engaged when it suits you, he needs to engage with her whether it's 11pm, 3am or 11am.

He needs to grow the f* up. My dh is also a night owl and would keep similar hours to yours if I accepted it, at least on weekends when he's not working. But I've made it clear that he needs to take it in turns with getting up on the weekends and even then when either of us have a lie in we're both still up and about by 9.30ish as it has too much impact on the day if one of you is completely out of synch with the rest of the household.

The 11am lie ins needs to stop and you should definitely call him out if he's ever as rude to his daughter again.

PuntasticUsername · 27/07/2017 09:26

"My original point was this site is toxic and people always pass comment without knowing the whole situation"

Well, thank goodness you're here to set us straight then! Phew!

OTOH if you hate it that much you could always leave eh poppet?

StaplesCorner · 27/07/2017 11:46

I think we should keep Scooby. Could he do a guest slot like a blog or something every week reading from his most recent pamphlet Important Jobs Men Do? We'd all benefit.

StaplesCorner · 27/07/2017 11:49

Also can we stop asking about knickers, are you 5? Lots of kids don't have room for chests of drawers in their room, mine were exactly the same their beds/toys were in their bedroom and their clothes in mine until they were maybe 8 or 9.

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