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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to chastise DH (a little) over this?

126 replies

usernotfoundnotfound · 26/07/2017 22:53

DH is a night owl and comes to bed around 4 or 5am and wakes at around 11 or 12 noon. He is very grumpy first thing and barely acknowledges me. I ignore it, or talk at him anyway, and just get on with my day and life regardless. I always get the DC up and dressed and DH wakes up slowly, then is fine and normal and nice.

This morning around 11am, DD (2.5yo) had wet through her knickers and I needed to get her a new pair from mine and DH's bedroom. She followed me upstairs and came into the room with me. I could see DH was emerging as he was lying in bed looking at his phone, but said nothing to us when we came in the room.

DD, in her usual enthusiastic way said "hi Dada! It's me!" She was standing, facing him in the bed as I was pulling up her knickers. And he just ignored her. She stood and waited a bit longer watching him, looking at his phone. She said "Dada?" again. "Mama is changing my pants," and other enthusiastic 2 year old babble.

DH continued to ignore her.

At which point I said 'DH, please say hello to her." He got very angry with me that I had pointed this out in front of her, and then proceeded to speak to her and give her a cuddle. He was angry because he thought I was making a big deal of something that wasn't a big deal and by asking him to speak to her I was making it a big deal in front of her, or making her feel there was a problem and that he did not care for her.

I don't know whether I was wrong to ask him to acknowledge her. When I tried to explain I said I just didn't want her feeling that she had to work to get the attention of men, or to feel she is treading or eggshells or that it's okay to be ignored or unacknowledged by men. This is a frequent occurrence, because he will not speak to anyone in the morning until he is ready, but today it seemed particularly bad. He wasn't pretending to be asleep, he was obviously awake and ignoring her.

Apart from that he is an excellent Dad (after 12 noon each day.)

WIBU?

OP posts:
MarcelineTheVampire · 26/07/2017 23:44

Maybe scooby actually is her DH....

RainbowPastel · 26/07/2017 23:44

Huge omission from your OP which is why you got the answers you did. I still say he is ignorant though.

HeddaGarbled · 26/07/2017 23:44

When I was a student, I did the same sort of hours as your H. When I grew up and got a job and had a family, I couldn't do that anymore, so I didn't. If I had a servant, though, and absolutely no compunction ........

RB68 · 26/07/2017 23:45

Can't he do both Staples - I suspect he doesn't work as late as 4 or 5 but wants wind down time when he comes in. Why does everyone have to fit the up at 8 am mould - its very controlling to expect this - he shouldn't have ignored his child or been grumpy about it and that needs addressing but it wasn't deliberate and generally he is left to sleep

chasedbybees · 26/07/2017 23:46

Honestly he sounds horrible. Your lovely 2 year old was desperately trying to get his attention. He deserved to be pulled up on it.

I'm not even going to touch on the unreasonableness of not getting up till 12.

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 26/07/2017 23:47

No problem with avoiding waking him if he works nights. But if he's on his phone then why can't he respond to his own child saying hi?

I always find it so bizarre when mumsnetters describe what dicks their OHs are and then say "oh but apart from all that he's a great man and really loving and caring and wonderful".

Katiekatie37 · 26/07/2017 23:47

Oh ok night owl made it sound like he was just choosing these times to sleep not working. I don't think your unreasonable to ask him to aknowledge his DD.

Scoobydoobydont · 26/07/2017 23:50

Regardless of your work pattern you sound like you need to treat your wife and kids with a bit more respect. They are 'speaking' to you not yapping at you.

My kids dont yap at me. They talk to me,but I work from home so if they try and talk to me while I am busy working (like some people would be in an office, court of law, operating theatre) then they have to understand I am busy and will talk to them later.

My wife talks to me most of the time, sometimes she yaps about things like me being on the phone because she can't grasp that sometimes when I am on the phone I am doing my job, because when she is on the phone she is organising a play date or a lunch.

My original point was this site is toxic and people always pass comment without knowing the whole situation.

Turns out I was right, and the bloke people were slagging off with no info works nights!!

UnconventionalWarfare · 26/07/2017 23:51

Oh read the whole thread you whinging judgmental bastards

Original poster
usernotfoundnotfound · 26/07/2017 23:52

TBH my main problem is the fact that he was on his phone but not responding to her or even looking at her, rather than the hours he works. I know he does them because he has to.

I had a DF who was incredibly responsive and engaging towards me. If I entered a room he'd be right there with eye contact and enthusiasm and chatting with me. Even if he was tired or ill.

I just can't tell if I had the ideal and therefore cannot tolerate less than ideal, or whether DH not getting a fucking grip a few times a year is not going to give her a longterm complex about men.

OP posts:
toastandbutterandjam · 26/07/2017 23:53

I always respond to children because they're all bloody adorable

I couldn't sit on my phone whilst a child was talking to me and ignore them. If i'm doing something important, I might say something like 'Hello, let me just finish this and then i'll speak to/play with you'

Your daughter sounds so sweet, literally melting my heart with her "hi Dada! It's me!" Bless her.

MeanAger · 26/07/2017 23:55

Grin scooby you're hilarious.

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 26/07/2017 23:55

I just can't tell if I had the ideal and therefore cannot tolerate less than ideal, or whether DH not getting a fucking grip a few times a year is not going to give her a longterm complex about men

Probably neither.

Your OH was being a bit of a dick, you pulled him up on it. No big deal. Happens every day.

Scoobydoobydont · 26/07/2017 23:56

*TBH my main problem is the fact that he was on his phone but not responding to her or even looking at her, rather than the hours he works. I know he does them because he has to.

I had a DF who was incredibly responsive and engaging towards me. If I entered a room he'd be right there with eye contact and enthusiasm and chatting with me. Even if he was tired or ill.

I just can't tell if I had the ideal and therefore cannot tolerate less than ideal, or whether DH not getting a fucking grip a few times a year is not going to give her a longterm complex about men.*

Unless you are less than 15 I doubt you dad was ever working whilst on his phone as he probably had the luxury of separating home and work lives which many of us don't have anymore . It doesn't make us shit parents

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 26/07/2017 23:58

Scoobydoobydont Well aren't you a charmer? Maybe she's arranging lunch with a solicitor. Hmm

AtSea1979 · 26/07/2017 23:59

Ah working. In that case it's much more reasonable. I think your making it in to a bigger deal with the whole DD thinking about male attention thing. But it wasn't hard for him to say hi either. Maybe he didn't register DD voice. I often don't with my two DC. I can be on my phone mumsnetting and suddenly realise DD is yapping away or waiting for a response so gets a uh-huh and I hope I've not agree to spend the rest on my day in soft play hell

Butterymuffin · 26/07/2017 23:59

Most dripfeedy drip feed ever.

timeisnotaline · 27/07/2017 00:00

Working nights sounds pretty optional actually, he is making a choice. I work US hours sometimes- you can do a typical 12 hour day and be in bedtime midnight london time. There is no reason he can't be in bed by 2. Asia he would only be starting at 2am so thats not the time zone he's working in. He is still a tosser who thinks family should work around what suits him.

BeepBeepMOVE · 27/07/2017 00:03

He has a two year old even if he works nights he will sometimes have to wake early for her. If you work a 9-5 you sometimes have to get up at 4 because that's when child needs attention.

He sounds awful, he's awake and just can't be arsed. So rude to you and DD, not something I would stand for at all.

What was he doing on his phone that deserved his attention over his child?

Scoobydoobydont · 27/07/2017 00:05

Scoobydoobydont Well aren't you a charmer? Maybe she's arranging lunch with a solicitor.

Well, maybe. Fact is she has a go at me for things exactly like the OP posted about. As it turns out I didn't jump to conclusions like most others did if the OP had posted the whole situation, more people would have agreed that he wasn't actually doing anything wrong, although he could have possibly acknowledged the child, but depends what he was doing on the phone)

UnconventionalWarfare · 27/07/2017 00:06

Obligatory mumsnet "he sounds awful" thread can close soon as we get a LTB to?complete whingy bingo

Scoobydoobydont · 27/07/2017 00:06

*He sounds awful, he's awake and just can't be arsed. So rude to you and DD, not something I would stand for at all.

What was he doing on his phone that deserved his attention over his child?*

Oh FFS

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2017 00:13

My original point was this site is toxic and people always pass comment without knowing the whole situation.

Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out then.

Beeziekn33ze · 27/07/2017 00:18

More of a SPLASH than a drip really!

MarcelineTheVampire · 27/07/2017 00:24

ODFOD @Scoobydoobydont you sound utterly awful.

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