Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to chastise DH (a little) over this?

126 replies

usernotfoundnotfound · 26/07/2017 22:53

DH is a night owl and comes to bed around 4 or 5am and wakes at around 11 or 12 noon. He is very grumpy first thing and barely acknowledges me. I ignore it, or talk at him anyway, and just get on with my day and life regardless. I always get the DC up and dressed and DH wakes up slowly, then is fine and normal and nice.

This morning around 11am, DD (2.5yo) had wet through her knickers and I needed to get her a new pair from mine and DH's bedroom. She followed me upstairs and came into the room with me. I could see DH was emerging as he was lying in bed looking at his phone, but said nothing to us when we came in the room.

DD, in her usual enthusiastic way said "hi Dada! It's me!" She was standing, facing him in the bed as I was pulling up her knickers. And he just ignored her. She stood and waited a bit longer watching him, looking at his phone. She said "Dada?" again. "Mama is changing my pants," and other enthusiastic 2 year old babble.

DH continued to ignore her.

At which point I said 'DH, please say hello to her." He got very angry with me that I had pointed this out in front of her, and then proceeded to speak to her and give her a cuddle. He was angry because he thought I was making a big deal of something that wasn't a big deal and by asking him to speak to her I was making it a big deal in front of her, or making her feel there was a problem and that he did not care for her.

I don't know whether I was wrong to ask him to acknowledge her. When I tried to explain I said I just didn't want her feeling that she had to work to get the attention of men, or to feel she is treading or eggshells or that it's okay to be ignored or unacknowledged by men. This is a frequent occurrence, because he will not speak to anyone in the morning until he is ready, but today it seemed particularly bad. He wasn't pretending to be asleep, he was obviously awake and ignoring her.

Apart from that he is an excellent Dad (after 12 noon each day.)

WIBU?

OP posts:

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 27/07/2017 00:26

I didn't jump to conclusions either, can't stand all the LTB after 1 post. However, you do sound like a bit of an arse scoobydoobydont and you've given the impression that maybe your wife isn't the brightest spark. But to be fair, Mumsnet is quite the viper's nest and these kind of threads often don't go down well. This place is not for the faint hearted.

Scoobydoobydont · 27/07/2017 00:28

ODFOD @Scoobydoobydont you sound utterly awful.
Why?

Because I stood up for the husband before the people who were slagging him knew all the facts?

Because I expect my wife and kids to understand that I work from home and that sometimes I am texting, WhatsApping, emailing, facetimeing or calling about things that are really quite important and require my femur concentration?

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 27/07/2017 00:29

Do shut up, Scooby, totally different situation.

OP, I think YABU. He's basically on nightshift. I do my best not to disturb my DH if I'm home and he's on nights. It's no different from you being woken at 3am, although being on his phone and ignoring his daughter is reprehensible.

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 27/07/2017 00:30

Your femur concentration? What on earth do you do for a living scoobydoobydont?

Scoobydoobydont · 27/07/2017 00:59

Your femur concentration? What on earth do you do for a living scoobydoobydont?*

Sorry. That is obviously an autocorrect autocockup.

Should read "femur contraception" obviously

53rdWay · 27/07/2017 01:07

I'm appreciating the lesson in how men do important man work things with their phones

It's 2017, everyone does work stuff on our phones now. Including women! It's not like this is some secret Man Knowledge with hidden ceremonies to initiate you into the Ways of the Blackberry. We get it, we've done it, some of us are well practiced in the art of stupid o'clock Skype calls to South America while bouncing a baby bouncer with our foot out of shot. And this bloke - even if he was doing work stuff on his phone, which there's zero suggestion of anyway - is still coming across as a bit of a wanker.

Slimthistime · 27/07/2017 01:39

Just me that's not horrified by his behaviour then.....

Does everyone here pay instant attention to their toddlers all the time?

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 27/07/2017 01:46

scoobydoobydont despite myself, I can't help a sneaky at femur contraception.

fullofhope03 · 27/07/2017 01:49

YANBU. And your husband is EXTREMELY ignorant and ill mannered to ignore your DD when he was clearly awake. SHAME on him.

vikingprincess81 · 27/07/2017 04:12

I've worked nights, and yes DH would try and wake me at noon to 'do things as a family.' I got to bed at 8am, after a 12 hour shift in a busy ward, for reference. And this was on days when I was working again that night. I didn't mind on the day I finished my shifts for the week, as I'd want to sleep that night.
He soon stopped after I woke him a few time at 2am to 'do things as a family' - he'd had his 4 hours sleep, and if that's plenty for me, then that's plenty for him - no? I'm not a total cow, I did it on the weekend when he was off night shift workers have to sleep some time.
I get it's not the same thing, and I don't think the nights are an issue, more that he was messing on his phone and ignoring your dd. It takes 2 seconds to look up, smile, say hi and explain you're just finishing a text/email game of best fiends and then you can play.

MarcelineTheVampire · 27/07/2017 04:36

To be fair @Scoobydoobydont OP didn't state he was working initially.

In any case, I also work from home on a regular basis and if my kids are here I wouldn't ignore them unless I was on a call in which I would usher them out of the room. It's a hazard from working from home and kids being present that you may be disturbed - I'm not sure you're that important that a text message cannot wait for 2 seconds to answer your wife and/or kids - a simple 'hold on a second DD/wife' would suffice.

You sound patronising and entirely misogynistic to be honest.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2017 04:50

He's a rude arse.
There is never any reason to be so rude to a child just because you're only just waking up - you just get on with it, if you're an actual adult parent. He's clearly not in that category.
Sorry.

mogulfield · 27/07/2017 04:52

It sounds like he could work more sociable hours and help you out more. I have meetings with American clients and usually have them at about 6pm-7pm at the mo.
Sounds like he's got a very nice set up to completely by pass getting the kids up (the hardest bit of parenting ime).

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2017 04:56

Little children are so enthusiastic and lovely at that age. Your dd was showing the love she feels for her daddy and it is such a shame he couldn't detach his fingers from his phone for a second to give her a big hug. He was awake. Had he been asleep, it would have been a different story.

mogulfield · 27/07/2017 04:56

And to those who say we shouldn't give toddlers instant attention, this was first thing in the morning, kids are excited to see their parents. My little boy is so excited to see us in the morning, his little face lights hi when he comes running in. I'd need a heart of stone to ignore that.
He's teaching her the phone comes first - not necessarily work- the phone- which he could've been dicking about on, because who does important work stuff in bed?! My vote is he was on mumsnet

mctat · 27/07/2017 04:58

Yeah I too think he sounds like an immature nob, We're all tired, those of us with small children. Can still manage to say hello to them.

He's showing her his phone is more interesting than her.

FemurContraception · 27/07/2017 05:00

I feel you Scooby bro. I feel you.

kadiy · 27/07/2017 05:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2017 05:04

mctat

Yes, immature. I wonder how long it will be before his dd is more mature than him. My dd at 8 (now 9) was more mature than my mother.

Stressalot42 · 27/07/2017 05:40

My wife talks to me most of the time, sometimes she yaps about things like me being on the phone because she can't grasp that sometimes when I am on the phone I am doing my job, because when she is on the phone she is organising a play date or a lunch.

Is your wife a puppy, I think they yap?? She maybe arranging a play date or lunch? Sounds like you demean her role as arranging social interactive activities for your children!

My original point was this site is toxic and people always pass comment without knowing the whole situation.

Well don't come on here then? The view of someone make who acts like he's born in the 1950's is not going to change the view of anyone!

You sound awful! You sound like you don't even like your wife?

OP, your OH may have been "working" in his phone, which I doubt! But if he works through the night because hits suit, then he needs to interact with his family the next lunchtime. He must be extremely poor at time management to be working from his bed.

Stressalot42 · 27/07/2017 05:41

Scoobydoobydont Well aren't you a charmer? Maybe she's arranging lunch with a solicitor

Badgoushk · 27/07/2017 06:16

"daddy can't hear you darling " tends to work in our house!

Ceto · 27/07/2017 06:31

Unless you are less than 15 I doubt you dad was ever working whilst on his phone as he probably had the luxury of separating home and work lives which many of us don't have anymore . It doesn't make us shit parents

It sort of does if we can't spare the energy to open our mouths and say hallo whilst we do ever such important Things on our phones.

Groupie123 · 27/07/2017 06:46

What a dripfeed. So OP's Dh WORKS NIGHTS until 4am, and she lets their 2 yo barge into the bedroom 'first thing'. OP sounds rubbish. That's not how you treat someone you love.

ohamIreally · 27/07/2017 06:58

Maybe DD will learn that some men are dicks.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6