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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in ladies toilets

662 replies

ItsAHardKn0ckLife · 26/07/2017 10:23

Okay I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here, husband works away, have an unwell toddler and I'm a little sleep deprived. So not sure if emotions are getting the better of me.

Popped into our local M&S, DS (2yo) in tow. Needed to use the toilet before shopping. Walk into the ladies (small bathroom, only 2 cubicles) to an older man and woman (late 60's at a guess) changing a babies nappy. I stopped in my tracks, confused, checked I'd definitely walked into the right toilets.
I said "you are aware this is the ladies?"
"Yes" the woman replied, "have you got a problem?"
"Erm, well yes actually I have"
Cue lots of tutting and huffing and puffing whilst I waited patiently for him to leave.
On their way out of the door I was told I was being "absolutely ridiculous" and "totally unreasonable".
In hindsight I probably should have ignored, but I was feeling pretty pissed off so I went to inform a member of staff.
The couple were standing near me and they were shouting that I'm a hypocrite as I took my DS in there with me. Again repeating that I was unreasonable etc and what did I expect them to do? They then walked off.

I ended up crying Blush

The staff were lovely and offered me a very nice cup of tea. I apologised for being an emotional wreck and causing drama.

So was I wrong for being unhappy about this? Would you have said something or just turned a blind eye to him being in there?

OP posts:
kali110 · 26/07/2017 12:44

It doesn't take two to change a fucking nappy!!
Keep seeing this, clearly the woman couldn't change the nappy on her own.
There are things like disabilities you know Hmm

Morphene · 26/07/2017 12:44

The main difference in this scenario between doing it in the mens and womens is that in the mens people will have their genitals out on show in public. In the womens this isn't happening.

I would not fault their decision to use the womens ASSUMING that they actually needed both adults involved. If not then clearly they were totally unreasonable, but we can't know that.

Yoksha · 26/07/2017 12:45

Some public /shopping mall loos are unisex in Germany & France. At first I was aghast, then I became used to it.

GahBuggerit · 26/07/2017 12:46

"vestal do people do that? Ask male toilet attendants to leave?"

Yes - if I am on the toilet and a male cleaner shouts in asking if they can come in I say "no, someones in here at the moment" and they apologise and disappear until I'm done.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 12:46

oh the girls wont mind a little old man being in here

I think thats part of the problem

Posters are imagining this

Man in ladies toilets
User843022 · 26/07/2017 12:47

'Because I prefer to take things on a case by case basis. Because the case in the OP is a pretty obvious example of being able to judge low risk.'

Yes, odd that posters are unable to see that grandparents changing a nappy does not equal a MtF trans standing up having a wee with the door open declaring his rights. Bit of perspective as always sadly lacking on aibu

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 12:47

When in reality it was this

Man in ladies toilets
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 12:47

Why didn't hey use the men's then kali

Either the woman was too uncomfortable to do that in which case surely shed understand the op being uncomfortable or they thought the men would be upset so thought it better to upset women than men.

Both are issues don't you see.

They could have used the disabled toilet if both were too disabled to change a nappy on their own

JacquesHammer · 26/07/2017 12:48

My OH years ago had to use a female loo to change our daughter. We were on holiday and I was unwell and back at the cottage.

The entire town centre had NO male facilities with nappy changing, and the disabled facilities were all radar key accessible so didn't double up as family facilities.

He actually ended up asking the centre manager what he was supposed to do, and they directed him to the ladies

JacquesHammer · 26/07/2017 12:49

Why didn't hey use the men's then kali
Because the ladies' usually has a second layer of privacy - the cubicle door - than the men's.

Morphene · 26/07/2017 12:49

giles maybe she didn't want to see all the actual penises? Where as in their chosen solution nobody saw any female genitalia in the process or any male for that matter.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 12:50

And men could pee in the toilet.amd not used the urinals if that was an issue.

Arealhumanbeing · 26/07/2017 12:50

MyrtleMaracas

'So the usual moronic, gaslighting whataboutism'.

Oh please get a grip. It was grandparents changing a nappy.

Thank you for illustrating my point so brilliantly @MyrtleMaracas.

Seriously I couldn't have asked for any more there.

Small detail; I was referring to some of the responses on the thread. Not the couple changing the baby.

Witsender · 26/07/2017 12:50

There was no need for him to be there tbh. So yanbu.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 12:50

Don't wanna see a penis then don't look. Simple

YoureNotASausage · 26/07/2017 12:50

You can feel about it how you like OP. He was in the ladies and shouldn't have been. On top of that they were rude and aggressive being called out on it.

I personally wouldn't have had an issue at all.

I also think all toilets should be unisex.

allegretto · 26/07/2017 12:50

Well it was obvious that he was helping to change the nappy not just loitering around. You could have waited 2 minutes or just used the loo without making him feel bad tbh.

Hapaxlegomenon · 26/07/2017 12:51

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think I might be going against the grain. I think the OP is being U because he was clearly in there because of the baby. You said they were in their 60s so they might not be used to changing nappies which may have made it a 2 person job. His wife might have been asking him to pass things to her. In this circumstance I don't see how it is offensive that he's there.

IloveBanff · 26/07/2017 12:51

"I mean my DD pathologically hates the police"

Why Morphene?

Toadinthehole · 26/07/2017 12:51

TheMythOfFingerprints,

Clearly I don't think it the same, as if so I'd have just as readily have taken them into the men's, among the urinals and the cocks.

The ladies' toilets, with their cubicles and privacy, was a more appropriate choice, and other than on this thread (and my DM) no one had said otherwise to me. It must be a UK thing.

My choice came from my responsibility to act in my DDs best interests. If you want to put that down to male privilege, go ahead and let readers draw their own conclusion.

OnionKnight · 26/07/2017 12:52

And men could pee in the toilet.amd not used the urinals if that was an issue.

Yes, a woman telling men to use the cubicles would go down like a lead balloon, if I walked into the mens toilet whilst a woman was changing a nappy and she told me to use a cubicle I'd be a bit Hmm

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 12:54

So it's ok for women to be inconvenienced or put out but not men.

Point proven

GahBuggerit · 26/07/2017 12:55

Are some people actually thinking that the baby change table was right next to a row of urinals made from glass, not just any urinals, M&S urinals, with a row of 12inch cocks in full view of the baby change table?

More likely the table was behind a bit of a screen totally away from the see through urinals and their 12inch friends.

Anyway, bottom line is they could have gone elsewhere if indeed the urinals were see through etc etc

User843022 · 26/07/2017 12:56

Arealhumanbeing apologies I misread I thought your comment was aimed at the people suggesting the op was rather ott in her response.

OnionKnight · 26/07/2017 12:57

*So it's ok for women to be inconvenienced or put out but not men.

Point proven*

No.

I'm disabled and I always use cubicles regardless but I'd be thinking 'err you chose to come into a male toilet'.