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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in ladies toilets

662 replies

ItsAHardKn0ckLife · 26/07/2017 10:23

Okay I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here, husband works away, have an unwell toddler and I'm a little sleep deprived. So not sure if emotions are getting the better of me.

Popped into our local M&S, DS (2yo) in tow. Needed to use the toilet before shopping. Walk into the ladies (small bathroom, only 2 cubicles) to an older man and woman (late 60's at a guess) changing a babies nappy. I stopped in my tracks, confused, checked I'd definitely walked into the right toilets.
I said "you are aware this is the ladies?"
"Yes" the woman replied, "have you got a problem?"
"Erm, well yes actually I have"
Cue lots of tutting and huffing and puffing whilst I waited patiently for him to leave.
On their way out of the door I was told I was being "absolutely ridiculous" and "totally unreasonable".
In hindsight I probably should have ignored, but I was feeling pretty pissed off so I went to inform a member of staff.
The couple were standing near me and they were shouting that I'm a hypocrite as I took my DS in there with me. Again repeating that I was unreasonable etc and what did I expect them to do? They then walked off.

I ended up crying Blush

The staff were lovely and offered me a very nice cup of tea. I apologised for being an emotional wreck and causing drama.

So was I wrong for being unhappy about this? Would you have said something or just turned a blind eye to him being in there?

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 26/07/2017 19:32

I can't honestly imagine many men would actually use a nappy change to try and get into the ladies for nefarious reasons*

A male presence in a female only space can make some (many?) women feel uncomfortable, regardless of what he's doing or whether he's being nefarious or not.

That's why when there's a male cleaner cleaning the women's loo's, there's a sign on the door so women can make the informed choice to use the loo or wait until the cleaner is done (this also happens with female cleaners in men's loo's).

kali110 · 26/07/2017 19:37

She could've changed the nappy on her own but if she was so inept
Lovely Hmm
Can people really not fathom that maybe they had problems so needed both of them to do it?

umizoomi · 26/07/2017 19:41

I had a situation on holiday like this. At a water park and went to the ladies (which also had showers in). A guy (about 35 ish) in there with his daughter who was around 4.

I said 'you do know this is the ladies?' He replied 'yes and my daughter is a lady'

I told him he should take her in the men's just like I would take DS in the ladies with me but DH would take him in the men's. As DH is a man and all.

He didn't get it at all.

Inertia · 26/07/2017 19:41

Am I the only person who regularly finds that public toilets actually often don't have a functioning lock, and that you end up in a sort of knickers-round- ankles / trying to hold the door shut sort of contortion? I'm a little jealous of all these public loos which are so well-designed and well-maintained that merely popping into a cubicle affords complete privacy.

OP- YWNBU

Mumof56 · 26/07/2017 19:42

"A male presence in a female only space.."

hmmm. What age do boy's turn in to males?

DeleteOrDecay · 26/07/2017 19:46

Oh for goodness sake you know what I mean mumof.

HoneyDragon · 26/07/2017 19:49

A two year old child does not think it is entitled to be anywhere.

A two year old child would not belittle a woman for objecting to its being there.

A two year old child could not choose to harm a woman if it wished.

There are baby changing facilities in BOTH the male and female toilets so if why should he assist if he can do it solo?

Hunted68 · 26/07/2017 19:53

This is how men feel at every music concert there is.

User843022 · 26/07/2017 19:53

'They are looking after a baby for the day not protecting the Ark of the Covenant from angry Nazis, ' Confused

'The bigger picture, if you expand on men going into female areas being a concern........oh never mind.'

Yes he shouldn't have been there. For whatever reason, a wriggly dc, an anxious to whatever made them decide to do that was obviously incorrect. No harm done though really.

It's just a shame adults can't all interact without things escalating resulting in tears and needing a cup of tea.

BasketOfDeplorables · 26/07/2017 20:00

AIBU to take DP into the ladies with me? My baby is wriggly.

I imagine the replies would be a resounding 'YANBU, OP, it's hard looking after a baby' and not one mention of pfb anywhere!

DesperatelySeekingSushi · 26/07/2017 20:05

^ that's...optimistic. I fear you'd be told to get a grip. on the wriggly baby

AngryGinger · 26/07/2017 20:14

YABU. A toilet is a toilet. You go in, shut the door, do your business and come out again. Plenty of places only have one cubicle that's for everyone.

NauticalDisaster · 26/07/2017 20:29

YWNBU and their reaction was deplorable.

AngryGinger · 26/07/2017 20:31

Better they walk around with a baby with a shitty nappy than make you cry 🙄 Honestly, the crying was where I stopped having any sympathy tbh. I can see how you'd be taken aback and there was no need for them to be rude. But your reaction was still OTT. I hope you get some sleep soon and feel better.

bambambini · 26/07/2017 21:01

Most men seem to understand they don't belong in the female loos, only ever seen the odd cleaner or maintenance men.

Would men be really ok with women walking into to mens or would some feel a bit uncomfortable.

Blanchefleur · 26/07/2017 21:18

No, YWNBU. You went into a ladies' toilet and so did not expect to find a grown man in there. Likewise, this couple also knew damn well that any woman coming in was going to be surprised to find a man in there, and they could have had the courtesy to acknowledge this.

If the man had said 'sorry, I know this is the Ladies, I'll be gone in a minute, my wife just needed a bit of help' then there would have been no scene and nobody would have got upset.

DesperatelySeekingSushi · 26/07/2017 21:22

The men I reversed into while they stood with presumably their bits out at the urinals I didn't look were surprisingly unperturbed. Possibly because I looked genuinely mortified. ( DS, 4, refusal to go into the ladies, went into the gents alone then hollered for help with the loo roll). I knocked, went in, it was empty, helped him in the cubicle, flushed then reversed out to startle a couple of blokes minding their own business/doing their own business.
Pulling son behind me who wanted to tell them what a big boy he was and proceeded to tell me Mummy, you shouldn't be in here! I KNOW!
It could have gone differently of course. Had one of them said : what the hell/you do know this is the gents/a bit of privacy here/ out! out! Demon of stupidity! I would have apologised even more and got the hell out quicker.
The way I see it, most people want to go about their business as quickly as they can. That's most people, irrespective of gender.
A tiny minority who have other motives are going to do what they do regardless.

AtomHeart · 26/07/2017 21:28

Men shouldn't be in women's toilets. That's the rule. End of!

starzig · 26/07/2017 21:44

Haha mumof56. Was in a female changing room at a gym before and a Woman had her 2 boys in there (swimiming lessons). One was about 7 and one about 11. I proceeded to get changed and she had a go at me. lol

PhilTheSahd · 26/07/2017 22:45

I'm a dad who does 99% of nappy changes in our household, Here's my full list of reasons why I personally have changed DD on changing mat in female loos before (obviously my preference is a dedicated cubicle or room, then men's, then disabled, and the vast majority of time they are)

1)there is only a men's and ladies loo, and the men's does not have a changing table, and I'm on my own /not with women who would is ok changing dd & a sign or female person has said there is a changing mat in the ladies
2)the owner / manager of wherever has directed me to the ladies when enquiring about changing facilities

Thats it. Only those two reasons.
I always knock before entering, and would wait if asked (I've never been asked). It's pretty crap when changing mats aren't in the mens, but it is very common, (though usually they are at least in disabled), and I don't like playing into gender stereotypes with a lady having to change the child, as if it's their duty or maybe men aren't capable but frankly some shops probably aren't big enough to cater for this need

Arealhumanbeing · 26/07/2017 22:47

Also. Men aren't allowed in the women's toilets.

Arealhumanbeing · 26/07/2017 22:49

That wasn't to you PhilTheSahd. Just for the general benefit of the thread.

bambambini · 26/07/2017 22:59

Well, i guess it tells us something when there sre still places where the only changing table is in the women's loos - not the mens.

Arealhumanbeing · 26/07/2017 23:07

Absolutely. Is it hard to install changing facilities in the men's toilets?

They've got them in most of the pubs and cafes near me.

colouringinagain · 26/07/2017 23:08

Yanbu op.

You had every right to expect the women's loos to contain women only. I would have felt uncomfortable too.

Yes I get that gps may have been struggling with a dgc nappy, but that's no reason for them to be rude and attack you for bringing your 2 yr old. Ffs is he supposed to go into the men's on his own.

I'm also very uncomfortable with other posters saying that they wouldn't be uncomfortable, so the OP shouldn't be. We are all individuals and many many women for a variety of reasons, value single sex toilets.