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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in ladies toilets

662 replies

ItsAHardKn0ckLife · 26/07/2017 10:23

Okay I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here, husband works away, have an unwell toddler and I'm a little sleep deprived. So not sure if emotions are getting the better of me.

Popped into our local M&S, DS (2yo) in tow. Needed to use the toilet before shopping. Walk into the ladies (small bathroom, only 2 cubicles) to an older man and woman (late 60's at a guess) changing a babies nappy. I stopped in my tracks, confused, checked I'd definitely walked into the right toilets.
I said "you are aware this is the ladies?"
"Yes" the woman replied, "have you got a problem?"
"Erm, well yes actually I have"
Cue lots of tutting and huffing and puffing whilst I waited patiently for him to leave.
On their way out of the door I was told I was being "absolutely ridiculous" and "totally unreasonable".
In hindsight I probably should have ignored, but I was feeling pretty pissed off so I went to inform a member of staff.
The couple were standing near me and they were shouting that I'm a hypocrite as I took my DS in there with me. Again repeating that I was unreasonable etc and what did I expect them to do? They then walked off.

I ended up crying Blush

The staff were lovely and offered me a very nice cup of tea. I apologised for being an emotional wreck and causing drama.

So was I wrong for being unhappy about this? Would you have said something or just turned a blind eye to him being in there?

OP posts:
busyboysmum · 26/07/2017 17:31

Maybe when the m&s staff were giving her the nice cup of tea it came up in conversation?

TeachesOfPeaches · 26/07/2017 17:33

The baby might have been covered in shit so needed two people to change clothes and clean up. I think OP totally overreacted and also how do you know there are changing facilities in the men's toilet?

elisa2502 · 26/07/2017 17:35

I had this before in Birmingham. Man with 10 year old Daughter walks into ladies with her and stands outside the door. Seriously cannot creepy as a member of staff offered him use of the disabled loo.
Really bothered me with his sense of entitlement.

DeleteOrDecay · 26/07/2017 17:42

There's usually a sign on the door if there are baby change facilities inside.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 17:44

honey

Our banana tree keeps making baby 'groots' they are beginning to piss us off Grin

giles !!!!

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 26/07/2017 17:44

My MIL can't carry my kids on her own. My FIL will not change a nappy. If my PIL were out with my child then I imagine they'd do exactly what this couple did. They'd both be in the changing area.

FIL would have carried the child in and then stood aside whilst MIL changed the nappy and then he'd have carried the child out.

If he was in there just waiting for his wife to use the loo herself then I'd say you weren't BU.

He was in some capacity involved in the care of the child so you are being unreasonable.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 17:46

desperately

There are signs on the door of the toilets, its ever so easy

Lauraagh · 26/07/2017 17:46

Nowhere in op post did she say they got aggressive.
After she went to the extremes of telling a member of staff that's when they got annoyed (and rightly so) and called her a hypocrite.
What was she hoping to achieve by telling a member of staff ...then crying.
Bloody hell

dadshere · 26/07/2017 17:46

YABU- He was not in the cubicle, nor was he hanging around to perv, he was changing a nappy. Also, if you had a male with you (son) you are being a hypocrite.

DesperatelySeekingSushi · 26/07/2017 17:47

Rufus not in my experience but in fairness have not used an M+S in a while.

Tartle · 26/07/2017 17:48

Despite the (reasonably fair) justifications for him being there and that he is not there to be creepy it is still very uncomfortable for many women to use the loos in that situation.

It happened to me at work a few weeks ago. A couple of guys from our maintenance team were fixing one of the toilets. I was desperate and running in between meetings without time to go to another floor so I decided to just go in the one next door. Felt really really self conscious of them being there. Especially as I was pissing like a racehorse. Probably wouldn't make the same choice if it came up again.

That being said I have occasionally peed in the gents. Only on a night out though so I was pissed and presumably there was background noise!

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 17:48

shouting

Aaah so now shouting isn't potentially an aggressive act

Who knew

Wait a minute why am i getting flashbacks to a lift thread

Floisme · 26/07/2017 17:48

If the grandad had said, 'Sorry I'll get out of your way,' I'd have probably offered to help the grandmother change the nappy (although I'm pretty out of practice myself).

It's their belligerence, the huffing and puffing and calling the op 'ridiculous' when - however reasonable their motives - they were the ones in the wrong, that makes me think, 'arseholes'. I can't understand why some posters are so keen to make excuses for them.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 17:51

The vast vast majority of toilets that i have been in and seen have baby changing signs if there is baby change in them

So it is fairly, nay extremely likely that the op just looked at the door

But i do take your point desperately Smile

User843022 · 26/07/2017 17:51

'Nowhere in op post did she say they got aggressive'

No but a pp decided they 'verbally assaulted' her so a few dramalamas jumped on the bandwagon Grin

Andrewofgg · 26/07/2017 17:52
  • crying for the moon
DesperatelySeekingSushi · 26/07/2017 17:52

In truth, I wouldn't normally make excuses for rude people. But I think the thread especially its title is just another excuse for a thread on the gender bill debate when there are four or five doing the rounds already.

User843022 · 26/07/2017 17:53
Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 17:54

myrtle

Do you honestly think shouting isnt an agressive act

GahBuggerit · 26/07/2017 17:55

i weep that people cant see that this isn't just about an incompetent cuddly ole Santa-type wholesome grandpa using the incorrect facilities.

Its the bigger picture that some of us are struggling with, what acceptance and shrugging off of this incident means, we're concerned that if one man is ok then another is ok then another then another and before we know it the gender bill is silently pushed through because no-one stops and thinkgs "hang on", and people just accept it because the line is eventually thinned between grandpa and a man presenting as a man but declaring, incorrectly obvs, that he is a woman.

THATS the underlying issue most of us are concerned about. Not the fact that Grandpa needed 4 hands instead of 2 to clean a babies arse.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 17:55

myrtle

Dd has a mug with dramalhama on

I got it from Marks and spencers

HippyChickMama · 26/07/2017 18:03

@zzzzz if your ds has additional needs and needs supervision then surely you can use the accessible toilet when out. I do if I'm out alone with ds as he has autism and dyspraxia and can't be sent in to the male toilets alone but is getting too old to come into the female toilets without attracting some odd looks.

marymoore12 · 26/07/2017 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lauraagh · 26/07/2017 18:05

The OP might have said "shouted" but given how she over reacted in the first place I wouldn't be surprised if she over exaggerated him "shouting"

Cubtrouble · 26/07/2017 18:06

My father took me into numerous ladies loos as a kid because the men's were usually grim. He knocked and announced he was about to come in and no one never ever had an issue with it.

I've needed the loo before at a concert and had a massive queue at the ladies and decided to use men's- I asked and no one minded.

I really don't see a problem here. Maybe I'd have waited for them to go if I'd needed a poo 😂