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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in ladies toilets

662 replies

ItsAHardKn0ckLife · 26/07/2017 10:23

Okay I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here, husband works away, have an unwell toddler and I'm a little sleep deprived. So not sure if emotions are getting the better of me.

Popped into our local M&S, DS (2yo) in tow. Needed to use the toilet before shopping. Walk into the ladies (small bathroom, only 2 cubicles) to an older man and woman (late 60's at a guess) changing a babies nappy. I stopped in my tracks, confused, checked I'd definitely walked into the right toilets.
I said "you are aware this is the ladies?"
"Yes" the woman replied, "have you got a problem?"
"Erm, well yes actually I have"
Cue lots of tutting and huffing and puffing whilst I waited patiently for him to leave.
On their way out of the door I was told I was being "absolutely ridiculous" and "totally unreasonable".
In hindsight I probably should have ignored, but I was feeling pretty pissed off so I went to inform a member of staff.
The couple were standing near me and they were shouting that I'm a hypocrite as I took my DS in there with me. Again repeating that I was unreasonable etc and what did I expect them to do? They then walked off.

I ended up crying Blush

The staff were lovely and offered me a very nice cup of tea. I apologised for being an emotional wreck and causing drama.

So was I wrong for being unhappy about this? Would you have said something or just turned a blind eye to him being in there?

OP posts:
Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 15:19

andrew woukd make a scene

But i think that he just wants the free tea...

SpikeGilesSandwich · 26/07/2017 15:20

I used the loos at a service station yesterday, there was a male cleaner in and out of the cubicles. Didn't bother me at all, I got on with my business and he got on with his.
I don't see the big deal about a couple changing a baby, if it bothered you that much, maybe you could have waited until they were done?
What do you do when you encounter cleaners of the male persuasion, force them to leave too?

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 15:21

pretty

I agree with you

Spikeyball · 26/07/2017 15:21

The problem here is that the store doesn't appear to have a unisex facility. I think if there is not enough space for single and unisex, the facilities should be unisex.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 26/07/2017 15:22

Oops, the thread just updated and there's loads I haven't read, apologies if what I said has already been covered and please ignore. Blush

JessieMcJessie · 26/07/2017 15:33

Men's toilets stink because of the urinals.

My 10 month old squirms and scream like a bastard when he's having his nappy changed, quite possible that the grandparents thought it would be safer/quicker with two of them to do it.

Cublicles have doors and all womanly stuff is done behind them. Who cares if a bloke is on the other side? How do you cope OP cope with men being on the other side of the toilet door in your house when you're having a wee?

PrettyBelle · 26/07/2017 15:39

Cublicles have doors and all womanly stuff is done behind them. Who cares if a bloke is on the other side?

Well, OP cares. Her prerogative. Let's just respect each other's boundaries, shall we? Then everybody will be happy.

User843022 · 26/07/2017 15:42

' Let's just respect each other's boundaries, shall we? Then everybody will be happy'
Yes but maybe try a bit of perspective too? grandparents briefly in the ladies while changing a babies nappy should not justify such angst.

PrettyBelle · 26/07/2017 15:44

The situation was hardly an angst:

I said "you are aware this is the ladies?"
"Yes" the woman replied, "have you got a problem?"
"Erm, well yes actually I have"
Cue lots of tutting and huffing and puffing whilst I waited patiently for him to leave.
On their way out of the door I was told I was being "absolutely ridiculous" and "totally unreasonable".

If the old man apologised and explained that he just was helping his wife, I am sure it would end there. That's how it was supposed to go.

MyheartbelongstoG · 26/07/2017 15:44

Wouldn't have bothered me at all.

Why on earth did you start crying, that is ridiculous.

PrettyBelle · 26/07/2017 15:47

OP you did the right thing and well done for having the guts to speak up instead of polite quiet resentment. The old man will likely stay away from the ladies' now.

CaptainCabinets · 26/07/2017 15:48

Could you not have just gone in for a wee and left them to change the baby's nappy, or do you enjoy harassing the elderly? Hmm he posed threat to you. Did you perhaps stop to think that he may have been a dementia sufferer and couldn't be left alone while his wife changed the baby?

CaptainCabinets · 26/07/2017 15:49

That was meant to say he posed no threat to you

rosyvalentine · 26/07/2017 15:50

Oh come on. Where is people's perspective? My 70 something year old mother has rheumatoid arthritis in her hands and would find changing the nappy of a wriggling baby on a table extremely challenging. I'd much prefer she enlisted the help of my dad than have an accident that might, for example, involve my baby falling off the changing table.

And as for posters who have suggested that the Grandfather should have changed the baby by himself in the Gent's toilet if his wife had mobility issues, that may not have been realistic. Most men of that generation wouldn't have a clue how to change a nappy. I know my dad certainly wouldn't. Many men in that age group would never have even changed their own kids' nappies.

As PPs have said, we have to use common sense in these situations. And it's important for us to teach our children to do the same.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 15:51

Again does threat level mean be has a right to be in the ladies.

I would pose no threat to children in a nursery but I still have no right to be there and am not employed by one.

User843022 · 26/07/2017 15:52

'The situation was hardly an angst: '
Yes well as said previously we've only the ops versions of 'all I said was..' I bet throw in a glare and stroppy tone of voice and she possibly set the scene for their response. We'll never know of course but seems odd that grandparents would randomly start shouting at an overwrought lady in the loos.

JessieMcJessie · 26/07/2017 15:53

PrettyBelle the OP asked if she was being unreasonable. This would be a pretty pointless board if every reply was "Your prerogative, I respect your boundaries" Confused

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 15:57

Well then rosy.that would make him even more of an arsehole wouldn't it?

That rather than learn how to change a nappy should be need to he would rather just go into a ladies loo no matter how it impacted on someone.

Floisme · 26/07/2017 15:58

It doesn't matter how cool you are with it. Firstly he shouldn't have been there and secondly he didn't even have the grace to admit it.

If the old man apologised and explained that he just was helping his wife, I am sure it would end there.
Exactly. He could easily have said, 'I'm sorry but it's been a while since my wife and I had to change any nappies. I'll get out of your way now.'

They chose not to. And yet here we are, falling over ourselves to make excuses for them.

busyboysmum · 26/07/2017 15:58

If any of these explanations people are inventing were true then why didn't the couple in their 60s which is by no means old in my book explain to the op. She sounds like a pleasant reasonable person. I'm sure if they had apologised and explained all would be been pleasantly resolved. The fact that they didn't would lead me to believe that there were no extenuating factors. He was just being entitled (major mumsnet nono). Then they continued to hang around and harass the op afterwards making her upset. It's never nice when 2 people are attacking you as one person as they seem to egg each other on. It's the mob mentality.

Sparklingbrook · 26/07/2017 16:00

So these two elderly people changing a baby's nappy are now a mob? Shock

TieGrr · 26/07/2017 16:01

Again does threat level mean be has a right to be in the ladies.

He doesn't have a 'right' to be there, no. But there's more to the situation than just 'rights'. There's recognising that the couple are likely struggling in the situation and that for the comfort and safety of a baby, it may be necessary for OP to wait a couple of minutes if she'd rather pee once the man has left.

DeleteOrDecay · 26/07/2017 16:01

Cublicles have doors and all womanly stuff is done behind them. Who cares if a bloke is on the other side? How do you cope OP cope with men being on the other side of the toilet door in your house when you're having a wee?

I care. Lots of people care actually. There's a massive difference between a strange man in the women's loo's in public and your own partner/friend/family member being near the toilet door when you're using it.

YANBU op, well done for doing the right thing. Maybe if they find nappy changing such a struggle, they should re-think where they go with the child. Many places these days have 'family rooms' with changing facilities rather than having the facilities in the women's and sometimes men's rooms.

rosyvalentine · 26/07/2017 16:01

Yes Giles! Maybe we should make it compulsory for all elderly grandfathers to acquire a recognised nappy changing qualification before they can be allowed to look after their grandchildren.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 16:03

Well either he learns or he stays out women's toilets. He doesn't get a free pass cos he can't he arsed to do it.