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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in ladies toilets

662 replies

ItsAHardKn0ckLife · 26/07/2017 10:23

Okay I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here, husband works away, have an unwell toddler and I'm a little sleep deprived. So not sure if emotions are getting the better of me.

Popped into our local M&S, DS (2yo) in tow. Needed to use the toilet before shopping. Walk into the ladies (small bathroom, only 2 cubicles) to an older man and woman (late 60's at a guess) changing a babies nappy. I stopped in my tracks, confused, checked I'd definitely walked into the right toilets.
I said "you are aware this is the ladies?"
"Yes" the woman replied, "have you got a problem?"
"Erm, well yes actually I have"
Cue lots of tutting and huffing and puffing whilst I waited patiently for him to leave.
On their way out of the door I was told I was being "absolutely ridiculous" and "totally unreasonable".
In hindsight I probably should have ignored, but I was feeling pretty pissed off so I went to inform a member of staff.
The couple were standing near me and they were shouting that I'm a hypocrite as I took my DS in there with me. Again repeating that I was unreasonable etc and what did I expect them to do? They then walked off.

I ended up crying Blush

The staff were lovely and offered me a very nice cup of tea. I apologised for being an emotional wreck and causing drama.

So was I wrong for being unhappy about this? Would you have said something or just turned a blind eye to him being in there?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 14:36

Honestly she shouldn't have been posted in aibu because that indicates s one doubt she was wring to complain to staff members about a man in a ladies toilet and she wasn't.

Just because others (myself included) could just shrug it off doesn't mean everyone should have to and quite frankly should not have to be wary of his feelings when no consideration was given to hers or anyone else who may have walked through the door

Drawing attention to the fact someone was acting like a dick is not wrong. And he probaky k pea it or he wouldn't have started having ago in order to divert the attention

TieGrr · 26/07/2017 14:37

Sparkling

I wonder if the Daily Mail are sharpening their pencils crayons yet?

FTFY

PrettyBelle · 26/07/2017 14:37

*Morphene" I don't see how my being a woman and feeling comfortable doing intimate things around women and not men make me sexist.

Would you call a pregnant woman sexist if she requests a female midwife to examine her?

Spottytop1 · 26/07/2017 14:38

YABU - you created a scene unnecessarily. You made an issue, then reported to staff and then decided to create more of a scene by crying when the couple responded... all over a grandfather assisting changing a baby ( most possibly as they were worried about the baby being a 'wriggler' or 'roller' and wanted to ensure the safety of the baby) ... ridiculous!

Andrewofgg · 26/07/2017 14:45

Why is it always women who have to accommodate everyone. She should have gone in the men's.

Like hell. When I am urinating I don't want adult women around. That is just as bad as the other way round.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 14:49

andrew

According to some on this thread

You would be making a scene unnecessarily, making an issue and being ridiculous

Oh and being sexist...shame on you

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 14:50

I dont know whether you would have cried though

But i am sure you would have appreciated the cup of tea (or coffee)

Andrewofgg · 26/07/2017 14:50

rufus I can live with all that!

JacquesHammer · 26/07/2017 14:51

Plenty of stores offer unisex or facilities in the gents, so if there aren't a set in one store there almost certainly will be another that does

10 years ago in rural Yorkshire there weren't Grin

Morphene · 26/07/2017 14:55

pretty erm yes? If you discriminate only on the basis of sex, then you are being sexist. Its the definition.

Some sexism is so heavily embedded in society it seems crazy to even challenge it.

Purplepixiedust · 26/07/2017 14:58

Sorry OP but I think ywbu. There was presumably a good reason why they needed to change the baby together. I would have done a double take, worked out what was going on and gone for a wee behind a closed door. I have done this previously when there has been a male attendant putting out loo rolls. You are of course entitled to feel how you feel but if you felt uncomfortable, you could have stepped outside until they had done. They wouldn't have taken long.

It seems they got defensive because you questioned them. Perhaps they already felt uncomfortable about being there but had gone for what they felt was the best option. It seems preferable to me to them both going in the gents.

The OP does not say there was any yelling in the toilets or even that the man said much at all. It could have been the woman. As for verbal assault, you need to be in fear of attack for something to be assault. I don't think that applies here.

I am all for men not going in female spaces but also think that sometimes there can be an exception to the rule. A few examples have been given in the tread and I wouldn't have a problem with any of them. Dad taking daughters in (although I have never seen this in the UK, they usually pick the nicer gents), husband helping wife or mum helping older son. They are quite rare circumstances. People might choose to use disabled loos for example if they were an option. Most female toilets have cubicles either with doors floor to ceiling or at least so a person (even a tall man) could not peer over. Do people really think that these few male users of ladies loos just stand imagining what women are doing in their stalls?! They would be just getting on with their business and getting out asap while hoping not to be challenged or have to explain themselves, Not everyone is a threat.

WhiskyIrnBru · 26/07/2017 15:02

Jesus. I feel sorry for men sometimes. Not every man is a predator. Total over reaction. If he was in there, alone. Without a baby and wife then fair enough. Maybe his wife had arthritis and needed help with changing the baby. YABU

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 15:05

Most female toilets have cubicles either with doors floor to ceiling or at least so a person (even a tall man) could not peer over.

Not disagreeing with you at all

But i have been in many toilets were people can peer over the top or under and in similar changing rooms in leisure centres

We have all passed bog roll to the next door toilets havent we Grin there's another thing i wouldnt be happy asking the man in the next cubicle Grin

PrettyBelle · 26/07/2017 15:06

morphene you are being ridiculous.

I don't want to hook my skirt up in the presence of men. And I'd rather not have to see them adjust their zipper in my presence either, for that matter.

You are welcome to do both in unisex toilets but ladies' toilets are called ladies for a reason.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 15:06

Maybe his wife had arthritis and needed help with changing the baby. YABU

Then he should have changed the baby by himself in the gents

There may be valid reasons why they both needed to be there but they didnt have to be in the ladies

Sabistick · 26/07/2017 15:08

This is par for the course, women are feeling in the wrong for having women only spaces. We appologies for our expectations instead of rejecting mens intrusions. This older man has no excuse for his entitled behaviour, hes old enough to know and respect womens spaces.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 15:09

Men have their own spaces though?

This isn't someone complaining of a male staff member teaching or a nursery staff member or a man being exactly where he was supposed to be. Where rightly he would be defended. This is a man who has his own space to be in who chose another then got shitty when someone rightly complained. Doesnt matter whi6 he is or what he was doing.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 15:11

And why when the choices are apparently to upset men or upset women it's women who have to suck it up and are "making a scene" when they speak up.

Sabistick · 26/07/2017 15:12

Also why do women tie themselves in knots to understand and justify mens behaviour and automatically do it. I think i am a yhoughtful kind person , but this is taking the piss

TakeMe2Insanity · 26/07/2017 15:12

I don't think toilets should be unisex, but there should be more baby change facilities in unisex areas ie disabled toilets or stand alone room.

If they were obviously changing the baby's nappy (mine is a wriggler so easier with two people) I don't understand why you were so upset.

I don't think it was worth crying over.

Morphene · 26/07/2017 15:14

pretty its okay, most of society agrees with you that it is way worse for a stranger with a penis to see you hoiking a skirt than a stranger with a vagina.

Most of society also thinks its massively more disgusting for an armpit to contain hair if its attached to a vagina owner than a penis owner.

In other news girls wear skirts everyday but a boy wearing a skirt to school still has the power to make the national news.

Just because society accepts things doesn't mean they aren't ragingly sexist.

You currently have societies permission to treat men as totally different from women purely on the basis of sex. You even have the right to set up a school that excludes them. You can refuse to be seen in hospital by a man even though they are equally qualified with the woman you will be seen by.

But you can't make these actions any less sexist than they factually are.

Boredwithmyname · 26/07/2017 15:15

Sorry, can’t get excited about this any more than I would by a male loo attendant being in there

PrettyBelle · 26/07/2017 15:17

I think the OP was crying about the offensive tone of the old man and the whole pressure of the resulting complaint, not because he was in the ladies'.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 15:18

There are usually signs though saying the toilets are cleaned by men.

And very often also charts showing times last checked and initials so if the chart says the toilets are checked hourly by make attendants and you cab see from the chart and your watch it's been 59 mins you have a choice whether to use them or not

PrettyBelle · 26/07/2017 15:19

Morphene I disagree with your analysis and let's leave it at that. Luckily, we both live in a free society and have free will to make our own choices.