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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in ladies toilets

662 replies

ItsAHardKn0ckLife · 26/07/2017 10:23

Okay I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here, husband works away, have an unwell toddler and I'm a little sleep deprived. So not sure if emotions are getting the better of me.

Popped into our local M&S, DS (2yo) in tow. Needed to use the toilet before shopping. Walk into the ladies (small bathroom, only 2 cubicles) to an older man and woman (late 60's at a guess) changing a babies nappy. I stopped in my tracks, confused, checked I'd definitely walked into the right toilets.
I said "you are aware this is the ladies?"
"Yes" the woman replied, "have you got a problem?"
"Erm, well yes actually I have"
Cue lots of tutting and huffing and puffing whilst I waited patiently for him to leave.
On their way out of the door I was told I was being "absolutely ridiculous" and "totally unreasonable".
In hindsight I probably should have ignored, but I was feeling pretty pissed off so I went to inform a member of staff.
The couple were standing near me and they were shouting that I'm a hypocrite as I took my DS in there with me. Again repeating that I was unreasonable etc and what did I expect them to do? They then walked off.

I ended up crying Blush

The staff were lovely and offered me a very nice cup of tea. I apologised for being an emotional wreck and causing drama.

So was I wrong for being unhappy about this? Would you have said something or just turned a blind eye to him being in there?

OP posts:
Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 13:24

I agree jaques regarding unisex loos. I have been in some awesome ones Grin

But yes, generally things do fit in those boxes. And just because unfortunately you may have what you think is a very valid reason for not doing it...doesnt mean that you should go ahead and do it

And i am with honey

The behavior of that couple was dreadful...and very few people seem to care

User843022 · 26/07/2017 13:25

'Why is he not being accused of having a hissy fit or being a drama llama, drama queen etc'

Err because he's not the one asking if he's being unreasonable?

Fwiw he does sound bit clueless, but I don't think then ops response is proportional at all.

JacquesHammer · 26/07/2017 13:26

No he wouldn't have verbally assaulted her.

I don't think the OP was unreasonable to be upset by THAT part of her OP. But I am not convinved that is what the main issue and discussion part of this thread is

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 13:26

There could be any number if reasons why she was uncomfortable she doesn't have to tell anyone why and nor is her opinion any less valid without a lengthy back story Hmm

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 13:26

Oooh jaques

That wasnt in marks was it (the everyone using the ladies)

I was in marks a few months ago and everyone was having to use the disabled and the gents

And as long as its signposted i would have no problem with either of those two situations

JacquesHammer · 26/07/2017 13:27

And just because unfortunately you may have what you think is a very valid reason for not doing it...doesnt mean that you should go ahead and do it

Ok - genuinely, in my two examples what is the alternative?

In a venue a male loo is out of order so everyone has to use the ladies loo.

A situation where there are no baby changing facilities other than in the female loo.

JacquesHammer · 26/07/2017 13:28

Cross posts Rufus

Yes it was a Marks Grin

HoneyDragon · 26/07/2017 13:29

Which is disproprtioanal? That she cried? Or that she mentioned to staff she'd been verbally assaulted (and shouting at someone is exactly this) on their property? Yup total over reaction.

He was not clueless.

zzzzz · 26/07/2017 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 13:30

Cross post jaques

Smile The fect is with everyone using one loo due to a breakdown in facilities as long as you know that its ok

It isnt the same thing as going ' its says ladies and there is a perfectly good gents but i want to use the ladies'

I have been in loads of coffee shops and cafes with one loo that everyone uses...no problem

But man in the ladies ...i will at least do a double take

User843022 · 26/07/2017 13:31

'The behavior of that couple was dreadful...and very few people seem to care'

I bet the op didn't just say 'erm well yes actually I have'. People obviously give their very one sided take.

If faced with someone glaring and displaying irritated body language most people would respond similarly.

HoneyDragon · 26/07/2017 13:31

Jaques....it's the fucking main issue for me. Op says by that point she was pissed off. The point where she was attacked and accused of being i the wrong.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 13:31

I have missed what your situation is zzzzzz

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 13:32

Well there we go, we have sorted it

Its only bloody marks that seems to have a problem with its bogs Grin

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 13:33

Agree again with honey

I accidentally typed hiney first Grin

User843022 · 26/07/2017 13:33

'Which is disproprtioanal? That she cried? Or that she mentioned to staff she'd been verbally assaulted (and shouting at someone is exactly this) on their property? Yup total over reaction.'

Yes all of the above. Although bickering is not being 'verabaly assaulted' fgs.

zzzzz · 26/07/2017 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 13:36

To be fair zzzzz

I should have said

You shouldnt automatically do it

And as you may have seen upthread

Apologetic man in the ladies beacuse for some reason he can't use the gents? I'm probably ok with that personally, its more the attitude of this couple i have a problem with

TheMythOfFingerprints · 26/07/2017 13:36

It doesn't matter what you think toad, it is the law in the UK.

busyboysmum · 26/07/2017 13:42

The shop is wrong if there are no baby changing facilities other than in the ladies - that is clearly sexist and should not be allowed. But that was not the case in this instance.

If the male loo is out of order and there is a sign up saying so then the lady has the choice whether to go in there where there may be men or use an other facility.

No-one has answered my question about a Muslim woman - how would this situation have affected her? Anyone know?

demirose87 · 26/07/2017 13:43

I would have said something too. Men shouldn't think they can just enter the female toilets, the same for the other way round. Boys are allowed to use the womens' toilets til around the age of 7 I think.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 13:44

busy

I dont know the answer, i would have though a woman who was very strict would have to leave

PuckeredAhole · 26/07/2017 13:44

YANBU. I don't want a man in my toilet. She could've changed the nappy on her own but if she was so inept she should have let the man go into the male changing facilities of which you say there were some.

Morphene · 26/07/2017 13:46

could someone point to this law? The one that specifies penises are not allowed in the women's toilets unless

I mean it isn't actually illegal for me to chase my child into the men's if they happen to go through the wrong door is it?

I mean it might be...but is it really?

I always assumed when they talked about changing 'laws' for trans reasons, they meant upholding the existing equality legislation...

HoneyDragon · 26/07/2017 13:46

Myrtle.... where does bickering come into it?