To wish the world was more autism friendly?

[Tobythecat]

I wish for the following -

• dimmed lighting in all supermarkets shops and offices

-neutral packaging with no patterns in shops and supermarkets

• every road or busy side road to have a crossing
• Easily read signs to helps with finding your way around
• Phone calls not allowed on public transport unless an emergency
• No loud chatting on the bus and giggling like a banshee

-Autism-friendly jobs (perhaps linked to individuals special interest)

• Autism rooms in shops/supermarkets to retreat to if feeling overwhelmed

-No music in shops -Loud people must be fitted with a volume control device, and if they exceed the limit, they get hit on the head

• People who beep their car horns to greet friends on the street/road should have their horn removed and wear a t-shirt that says I am a twat.

Feel free to add your own!

I wish people weren't wankers when they see people with any disability. A ten year old having a typical ASD meltdown is not a spoilt brat who deserves a smack. We still get that gem from strangers.

Add to your wishlist culling head teachers from education who deliberately push out all children wish autism from their primary schools for no reason other than they don't want them.

Vicki have you never had a holiday job in retail? The music definitely isn't for the benefit of staff! It's on a loop and it's a miracle it doesn't send the staff crazy!

There are all kinds of psudo scientific reasons shops play music - it's essentially an attempt at mind control to make people linger longer/ shop faster etc according to time of day/ week / year and footfall through the store etc. All about maximising turnover.

5moreminutes Yes, information is good, and OK she should have said something, but you could also try to understand her reasons for not telling you sooner. You have no idea what reactions she might have already have had from other people she's told - like being told their child can't play with hers any more. It happens. She might not feel confident about how to manage him herself as he might not behave that way at home. It's not as if someone hands you a manual of answers along with the diagnosis.

Many parents of children with autism would grab an opportunity to go to the shops when their children weren't with them. But if (as you seem to suspect) she deliberately took advantage to dump him on you and run away then lack of information is not the real problem anyway.

Assuming she didn't, then the word you are looking for is not "honest" it's "open". She was not open with you until six months after that visit. Well, she probably had feelings and reasons. I would be careful who I chose to share the information that my child had been excluded from school. With hindsight it would have been "better for everyone" if she had told you but how was she to know that?

Now you know you might consider inviting him again?

People asking for what they need is great.

However, for many people with autism it's not that simple. Even if they can identify what they need they can't always verbalise it in order to explain it. Even less so if that explaining is to a stranger.

Kleinzeit I understand your points, as I said I can see its complicated. In this case I don't think it was fair on anyone - her own child included - not to provide a bit of information. I treated him as I would any friend of my kids who was over excited visiting for the first time and being a bit naughty - kindly but firmly. I am not one of those parents who won't tell other people's kids off, which is why I am one of those parents who is normally more than happy to have a house full of other people's kids - most kids behave very well in my house and respond very well to boundaries and being a bit no nonsense when necessary, and they always come back :o However from reading the boards I know that you don't use the same tactics for children with autism! If she'd just blimin told me what works best with him he would have a less stressful and calmer time presumably, as might we!

As for inviting him to play again - you are right, I don't know, because I don't know if he would actually play with the child of mine he is friends with inside our house. I would absolutely watch / mind him for her if she asked. However he didn't play with my DS when he came "to play" he just ran in and out of my older children's rooms and my room, taking electronic gadgets and other possessions, and repeatedly picked up console controllers and asked to play on the console. So inviting him "to play" with my youngest child would be a bit of a euphemism for offering to babysit I suspect... I could invite him over for an upfront console playing session I guess, though that is not something I'd usually suggest and I don't know if it would actually be successful! I wish the mum would talk to me in an upfront way, I'd be willing to make allowances and do things differently, but not to have an exact replay of what happened last time, as it wasn't good for anyone involved!

To date I have said no to having him in the house, but encouraged the DS he is friendly with to play with him in the playground. The other boy calls for him most days and is often waiting at the end of our drive when we come home from somewhere (his mum is always in the playground, from where our drive is easy to see, with his younger sibling when he does that). I don't make DS play with him, I don't think that would be right, but he usually does. They play well outdoors where both have the option to get away from one another if they get bored/ have a disagreement...

I'm tempted to let sleeping dogs lie and leave things as they are, especially as they are building a house in another village ten or twelve miles away and planning to move there when it is finished, so they won't be here long term.

I don't know - maybe I should let her know I'm happy to watch him occassionally if she wants to go to the shops - it would be psychologically easier on DS if he was here for me to mind for an hour and not "to play" if he is going to completely ignore DS like last time!

Having worked in the Palace of Fun in Palace Pier Brighton, where there is constant, tinny electronic music blasting from various fruit machines (then continues after you leave like tinnitus), I fully support banning shop/ restaurant etc piped muzak. I utilise headphones and choose my own soundtrack - I particularly dread Xmas and the endless bing Crosby et al being imposed on our ears at Tesco or wherever!

My two HF Autistic children will have different lists, ds will ban crowds, music, noise, applause, swimming, France (does not enjoy learning languages ), most foods, handwriting, noisy kids, non uniform days, scratchy clothes...
DD would like a kind world with no bullies, no restrictions on computer access, no requirement to brush your hair, lots of dressing up days, no dogs.

Completely agree with the OP.
The whole world is too bright, too crowded and too noisy.
Then people think I'm a toaster wearing dark glasses and cringing a lot.

Toaster? Tosser

Sirzy it was really the parent/ teacher who I would have liked ask for what they need, not the child (in my case) with autism (in the other example classes from two separate schools went on a trip together, and there was a child half the group had never met before with a special need which may or may not have been autism - I never met him and have no information except that provided by my older DS - in that case it would have been good if the teachers had said something, even in a general way without specifically referring to the individual , to help the other children with appropriate strategies to either include the child more or to know he was happy not to be disturbed/ included, if that happened to be the case. Even something phrased like "we don't all know each other, so it's a good time to try a buddy bench/ remember that everyone is different and that some people are happier just watching activities until they feel comfortable/ insert whatever would have been relevant).

@Incitatis have you tried ordering from lush for hair products?

encouraged the DS he is friendly with to play with him in the playground.

Sounds like a good idea - I was going to suggest that myself . The playground is familiar, he knows how to play there. He probably doesn't know how to play at your house. It might be as simple as you getting a couple of toys out beforehand and telling him and DS exactly what to play with. Or telling both kids they have to play in the garden. But it might not. And I'm guessing he doesn't get invited to other kids' houses so his mother probably doesn't have the answers you want.

Fanjo I guess I'm being lazy as I'm used to children who come here to play going off to play with my kids, maybe needing a stern look once or twice and a reminder not to go into the bedrooms of children they are not here to play with, but essentially being no trouble. I was caught off guard by an 8 year old who was very hard work indeed and had no interest in actually playing with my child - that's not a child coming to play, it's a child coming to be minded.

Which takes me back to the point about honesty in the first place - I had things to do and wasn't expecting to need to be on full alert as though I was looking after a small toddler because I'm used to having kids that age here and them being no trouble.

I just wish she'd said so I could have known what was required of me and DS!

However I take your point - not being open is high risk because it could go horribly wrong when you drop your child off at somebody's house (or let them walk there alone in this case) and certainly they will never be asked back. Being honest/ open is high risk because the child might not even get in the door the first time!

The kids do play together most days though - just not in the house!

Do you really think there is a benefit to the child to having him over again? It would be silly to have him over to run around grabbing things from my other children's rooms and creating chaos - I would have to lay on a full on child minding session or let him play console games... The second option doesn't seem especially helpful, though I can see that there is certainly a benefit to the mum! She probably needs it as he's been home 24/7 for 7 months or more...

Maybe I will invite him to play console with DS - its screens and sociable... Do you think that I should?

Maybe give a console session a try? Or a child-minding session. You don't have to do it again if it's a disaster. It might help if you give the play session some structure and told him what was going to happen (even if it's just, game, then snack, then game, then hometime); where to play and what to play with. Be clear in advance about when he can play on the console and when/if you expect him to do something else. You might tell him that he has to stay downstairs. And yes, if he comes then expect to supervise.

All social interaction is beneficial at that age. Including playing a console game with your DS. Or even just being in a new place. The running round and the negativity will probably both settle down once he gets used to being in your house and how to behave there. Thinking of it as child-minding with some time for both kids on the console game rather than a free play session might help both children.

(Well, I mean all kindly non-bullying interaction is beneficial)

I realise this is a wish list, but most of the things you suggest, would cause greater discrimination to other groups. Dimmed lighting would be positively dangerous to people with sight issues. Likewise, all trains are being fitted with Sounders that alert people to the opening and closing of the doors, along with automated stop announcements. The exterior doors on trains are also to be painted a bright contrasting colour to aid those people with sight issues.

I understand this might distress some people with autism, but I'd argue that not fitting these features would cause greater discrimination to another group with additional needs.

And in the real world........

I'd get rid of people blaming "not being able to take banter" as "because ds is autistic"

NO!

It's a stupid human social norm that's developed that sometimes want to take the piss and wind you up trumps your want that you don't want them too.
If everyone respected others feelings then ds wouldn't have such major meltdowns.
The meltdowns are a results of his autism and the delays emotionally because he cannot understand or deal with why you insist on doing things to him he DOESN'T LIKE.

And in the real world........

What, people don't discuss wishes they'd like no matter how unlikely? The op isn't starting a campaign, she's not suggesting we march to downing street, just a light hearted post of wishes. What's not "in the real world" about that?

jumpingjellybeanz have you tried shopping in Aldi? Equal spaced aisles and only one of everything.