I have a very dear friend I have been close to since primary school, and although in some ways we are close, in others we aren't. I know I haven't explained that well.
When I was in my teens both my parents died. I was 14 when I lost my Mum and my Dad died during my first year at university.
My Dad's death in particular really affected me and I put on a lot of weight, ballooning to over 20 stone at one point. I couldn't buy any clothes and I wouldn't go out as I'd be shouted at. I used to stay in watching films with a takeaway and bottle of Pepsi and continued this habit when I graduated and got my first job.
Some three years after graduating, I bought my first house and I seemed to decide 'new house, new me' and before this I decided I didn't want to be 'fat' and I went on a very strict diet. I lost 10 stone in as many months. But like a lot of very big people I was never satisfied. Looking back I was probably hovering on an eating disorder then as I was obsessed with calories, exercise, and would get very upset if I missed a gym session or felt I'd had to eat more than I wanted. If I blew it even in a tiny way, like if someone gave me a cup of tea with full fat milk in it I'd binge and then be angry at myself.
I also acquired a lot of debt 
due to clothes shopping. It was like I was trying to cram my youth into a few months. I just got such a buzz out of going into Topshop or Miss Selfridge and buying size 10 jeans.
I think I realised some five years ago how lonely I was but I couldn't approach men. I didn't know any. I tried Online but I just couldn't 'chat' or flirt and I found any interest in me waned quickly.
Meanwhile my lovely friend travelled Europe, she got a fun and interesting job with other young people before training as a primary school teacher, she then met and married a lovely man and now they have a beautiful baby girl and are expecting their second, a little boy due in October. I've always dreamed of having a boy and a girl. They have a gorgeous big house in the country.
I seem to be going through the menopause - it's early but that does run in my family.
I'm so lonely yet I feel meeting someone isn't now possible.
My job is a bit rubbish!
I feel like my friends updates taunt me, like when she whatsapps photos from their day at the beach, the farm, in their beautiful garden.
I'm so jealous it makes me feel sick and I hate myself for it!