My friend is a problem - AIBU

[friendswithaproblem]

I have a very dear friend I have been close to since primary school, and although in some ways we are close, in others we aren't. I know I haven't explained that well.

When I was in my teens both my parents died. I was 14 when I lost my Mum and my Dad died during my first year at university.

My Dad's death in particular really affected me and I put on a lot of weight, ballooning to over 20 stone at one point. I couldn't buy any clothes and I wouldn't go out as I'd be shouted at. I used to stay in watching films with a takeaway and bottle of Pepsi and continued this habit when I graduated and got my first job.

Some three years after graduating, I bought my first house and I seemed to decide 'new house, new me' and before this I decided I didn't want to be 'fat' and I went on a very strict diet. I lost 10 stone in as many months. But like a lot of very big people I was never satisfied. Looking back I was probably hovering on an eating disorder then as I was obsessed with calories, exercise, and would get very upset if I missed a gym session or felt I'd had to eat more than I wanted. If I blew it even in a tiny way, like if someone gave me a cup of tea with full fat milk in it I'd binge and then be angry at myself.

I also acquired a lot of debt due to clothes shopping. It was like I was trying to cram my youth into a few months. I just got such a buzz out of going into Topshop or Miss Selfridge and buying size 10 jeans.

I think I realised some five years ago how lonely I was but I couldn't approach men. I didn't know any. I tried Online but I just couldn't 'chat' or flirt and I found any interest in me waned quickly.

Meanwhile my lovely friend travelled Europe, she got a fun and interesting job with other young people before training as a primary school teacher, she then met and married a lovely man and now they have a beautiful baby girl and are expecting their second, a little boy due in October. I've always dreamed of having a boy and a girl. They have a gorgeous big house in the country.

I seem to be going through the menopause - it's early but that does run in my family.
I'm so lonely yet I feel meeting someone isn't now possible.
My job is a bit rubbish!

I feel like my friends updates taunt me, like when she whatsapps photos from their day at the beach, the farm, in their beautiful garden.

I'm so jealous it makes me feel sick and I hate myself for it!

If I posted my life online you'd think it was perfect, I have a lovely dh and a beautiful dd (9) and nice house.

In reality, I'm chronically ill and disabled. I don't have a life and have weekly body work treatment, which is incredibly painful - think I can't speak, but tap or something when I'm starting to feel lightheaded and on the path to passing out. I have this treatment because without it I wouldnt be able to walk (I used to be on crutches and heading for a wheelchair, which I'd now be in as I have ME/CFS). I have one child and the hormones in ivf trashed my health. I struggle to play with her and she is an incredibly demanding and lively child. We have a lovely home but I can't make keep it tidy or decorate and fashion it the way I want because I'm too ill. Dds new bed has been sitting in the garage for a year because I'm too ill to get it together and dh needs me to help and tell him how to do it - I'm the practical one, he's the brains. My dad died when I was 16. My mother is still alive but treats me abominably and I will feel a massive sense of relief when she dies. That is, if she doesn't outlive me as on average someone with ME/CFS dies 20 years prematurely. I am working on putting my feelings first. My brother denies I am even ill, threatens violence and last week made me fall over, which for me is incredibly dangerous. I now have made the decision to go no contact as I fear one day he will put me in hospital through stupidity and ignorance.

Which parts you think I'd put any of this on FB?

You might want to talk about current feelings though, early menopause etc. Perhaps a different counsellor might help? Your GP might be able to recommend someone.

You sound really miserable.

I think you know your friend is not a problem. Your self-esteem and self-worth are.

There's no point in me listing the ways in which you're lucky (being employed, being a property owner etc.) because I don't think that's what you want to hear.

Have you spoken to a GP re: depression/anxiety?

Do you have a social life? A hobby? How is your weight now in terms of how you feel about it?

I totally understand how feeling like you might never need a bigger house if you don't have children is not exactly comforting, btw.

Just a thought, OP, if you don't like where you live, could you rent your house out so you have a bit of an income coming in from that and then rent somewhere you prefer? Not sure how bad your credit rating is though and whether this would stop you renting?

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor about some of the negative beliefs you have which seem to be holding you back in life? Did you get counselling when either or both of your parents died? If not, I'm not surprised you would be struggling to make sense of it all and work out how to move on all on your own. For what it's worth I think you're have done amazingly well and you clearly have an extraordinary amount of drive to get yourself in a better situation. I would really recommend finding a good counsellor (try several before you decide) to partner with you, you should not be going through it all by yourself.

OP - you really need to start thinking differently easier said than done I know.

You're already saying therapy wasn't any good after your parents died. There could be many reasons - the counsellor was wrong for you, perhaps it was too early.

Seriously see your GP. Get some help.

You're being really negative - really try to get some help.

I would second what Peonie said, I think you obviously would benefit from some medical help on the hormone front and also to speak to someone about how you are feeling.

There is absolutely no shame in either and actually it takes quite a brave person to ask for help. And by losing so much weight you have shown you have it in you to take control of difficult things in your life.

You need to give yourself a break. Your friend is showing you the edited highlights of one version of life but I would try to push that to one side and look at how you can make your own path. I agree it's challenging but I find appreciating all the small things that are going well in my life is a good place to start. Also I'm a big advocate of a small change that starts the bigger ones. Even really small ones like taking a different route to work. I know it sounds insignificant but it's a diversion, albeit a small one, and could provide some perspective.

Good luck OP - you can do it!

You can't change any of what has happened. What you can change is how you look at those events. A lot of emphasis has been put on what you haven't achieved rather than what you have.

You have a home bought outright

You have sorted out your debt

You have lost 10 stone

You have a job

Now look at tweaking those achievements - you are not happy in your current job, start looking for a new one.

Concentrate on one aspect of your life at a time...

You sound desperately sad

Would you consider counselling to work through your feelings and improve your self-esteem? As pp's said, your friend is not the problem and comparing her life to yours will and finding yours lacking will only make you feel worse. 'What ifs' are completely counterproductive too. The fact is 'different circumstances' did not happen for you, this is the only life you have and the past is written in stone. You can't change it, only how you view it a counsellor or a therapist may be able to help you shift your focus away from what has happened previously and towards what you can make happen to improve your life now.

And btw the way there are lots of different types of counselling, so don't write it off completely! GP can advise.

Chin up OP, life can change in an instant, just because your alone now it doesn't for 1 minute mean that you will be forever. Id advise trying some counselling. Talking through your problems will help you understand why you isolate yourself and why you feel so lonely. Life coaching might also help. Try challenge yourself to do something out of your comfort zone once a week.
Friends can often seam to have the perfect life but in reality Facebook & social media just allow someone to create the perception of perfection.
Be kind to yourself.

I'm not being negative, just trying to explain how things are.

I really appreciate the comments but most seem to misunderstand and think I'm looking at Facebook longingly and I don't even have Facebook! Thanks, though.

Friends you will get a mortgage if you want one when your credit rating picks up and it will.

I had debt, ended up doing s debt man agent plan. 6 years on have managed to get a mortgage.

You and your friend are at different stages. You sadly hit a stage early, when you lost your parents. But don't measure yourself against anyone. When you look at other people, what your really doing is avoiding looking at yourself.

What I mean is, your unhappy with how things are and more than completely understandable...,you can either bury your head in the sand (distract yourself by looking at what others appear to have and you not..and believe me it's a distraction) or decide what it is you want and focus on your goals and making things happy for you

Ok it sounds like what you want is her life and not yours, is there anyway you can change your life

Thanks, Wheely, that does help

Sometimes it's no comfort knowing we have 'lots to be grateful for' or 'other people are worse off' - both are unhelpful platitudes. Feeling envious of other people who have what we would like for ourselves is entirely natural and understandable.
You don't need to be so hard on yourself OP - all animals are hardwired to be 'me first' - it's about survival.

You look at your friend and see what you don't have. You should seek counselling as this isn't healthy and it is destructive for you. Try and see what you do have in your life, a lovely friend for one, and concentrate on the positives. Negativity will suck your happiness away and with it your life, you only get one chance on this earth. Do t waste it by comparing your life with others.

I am sorry OP. your thread made me feel very sad

Not in a pitying way, but to lose both parents so young is a huge deal, and its clearly really affected you. and that's very understandable.

I feel like my parents are table legs, and losing my dad made me wobbly. but I am a 40 something, you were so very young.

You feel shit, and insecure

given all your have achieved so far, I think you can work on self love and building yourself up. Consider some professional help, we all need a helping hand

and yet you have been so strong, to handle both obesity and bereavement, you are stronger than you realise.

Time to now focus on your emotional well being, and building your self esteem back.

I'm so sorry you lost your parents at such a young age.

I worry my friends will have a similar feeling to you, as I am about to buy a house with my partner, while most of my friends are renting including some with young children who would love to have a garden. However, similar to other posters, it's not all perfect - I hate my job, I'm terrified by the huge mortgage, and while my friends were pregnant I had a miscarriage (they don't know as it was early, and I didn't want to worry them about their own pregnancies).

Your friend is probably just sharing the daily things that make her happy without realising you crave what she has. There are probably things in your life she wishes she had, as a single person with no mortgage she probably perceives you to have much more freedom.

In terms of meeting someone, have you got any hobbies, or is there anything you've always wanted to try? It's a great way to meet new people, including potential partners, plus you can send photos back of your adventures hiking/ wine-tasting/ horse riding/ rock climbing/ practising your new language skills on holiday!

Thanks. Meeting someone is difficult. I don't have a clue how to flirt or how to show someone I'm interested or anything like that.

It sounds like you have done amazingly well in the circumstances - continuing your degree despite your bereavement, getting a graduate job, making a sensible investment in your house, losing all that weight, getting your debts under control.

Yes you still have some stuff to work on, but doesn't everyone? the secret is that really successful people get help. It is amazing to me that you have achieved so much on your own.

Now get a therapist and get that person to help you figure out how to flirt (it is teachable!) and go to a doctor about your hormones.

You have come so far, you really shouldnt give up now.

Look at what you have got!!! You are unbelievably lucky to own a house outright - I'm a teacher in my late 30's and doubt I'll ever get on the ladder (I live in the SE). You are mortgage free. You are a size 10 - down to your determination, but still, lots of people would be envious of you. You are a graduate, which opens out lots of career possibilities. There are lots of people out there looking at a future of flat shares and minimum wage jobs, but you have a lot going for you!

I'm not sure therapists do that Kimmy; it would seem most of you have more confidence in what counselling can do for someone than I have.

Yes, I do appreciate I am fortunate my parents left me money but it's hurtful beyond belief when people trot out such comments without thinking.

I had no one there when I graduated, my mum didn't help me buy a dress for school prom, I've spent Christmas alone every year since I was 19. It's horrible.