My friend is a problem - AIBU

[friendswithaproblem]

I have a very dear friend I have been close to since primary school, and although in some ways we are close, in others we aren't. I know I haven't explained that well.

When I was in my teens both my parents died. I was 14 when I lost my Mum and my Dad died during my first year at university.

My Dad's death in particular really affected me and I put on a lot of weight, ballooning to over 20 stone at one point. I couldn't buy any clothes and I wouldn't go out as I'd be shouted at. I used to stay in watching films with a takeaway and bottle of Pepsi and continued this habit when I graduated and got my first job.

Some three years after graduating, I bought my first house and I seemed to decide 'new house, new me' and before this I decided I didn't want to be 'fat' and I went on a very strict diet. I lost 10 stone in as many months. But like a lot of very big people I was never satisfied. Looking back I was probably hovering on an eating disorder then as I was obsessed with calories, exercise, and would get very upset if I missed a gym session or felt I'd had to eat more than I wanted. If I blew it even in a tiny way, like if someone gave me a cup of tea with full fat milk in it I'd binge and then be angry at myself.

I also acquired a lot of debt due to clothes shopping. It was like I was trying to cram my youth into a few months. I just got such a buzz out of going into Topshop or Miss Selfridge and buying size 10 jeans.

I think I realised some five years ago how lonely I was but I couldn't approach men. I didn't know any. I tried Online but I just couldn't 'chat' or flirt and I found any interest in me waned quickly.

Meanwhile my lovely friend travelled Europe, she got a fun and interesting job with other young people before training as a primary school teacher, she then met and married a lovely man and now they have a beautiful baby girl and are expecting their second, a little boy due in October. I've always dreamed of having a boy and a girl. They have a gorgeous big house in the country.

I seem to be going through the menopause - it's early but that does run in my family.
I'm so lonely yet I feel meeting someone isn't now possible.
My job is a bit rubbish!

I feel like my friends updates taunt me, like when she whatsapps photos from their day at the beach, the farm, in their beautiful garden.

I'm so jealous it makes me feel sick and I hate myself for it!

friends you might not have seen my questions upthread.

How is your weight now in terms of how you feel about it?

Do you have friends/a social life/a hobby?

Yes, I get that. However, a lot of people who lose their parents have to cope with that loss and don't necessarily inherit enough money to buy a house outright. You can look at life as glass half full or half empty.

I lost n-both my parents when I was young. And the money I inherited helped me buy the house I have now (which I absolutely love)

But I'd give it up in a minute if I could have my parents back..... I think losing your parents is a bloody awful select club, which no one wants to join, and which no one understands until they have been there. I feel as if I am without a safety net.

Sweetie, I just wanted to say one thing to you, which is that you're comparing apples and oranges.

Your life has been SO different to your friend's. Losing both your parents at such a terribly young age was bound to affect you very, very deeply. I think you did amazingly well to come through it all. I imagine your friend hasn't been through nearly as much as you have in her life to date, which is partly why she's had a smoother ride. This is unfair, desperately unfair.

However, can I please point out some positive stuff to you? Anyone who can lose weight like you have, with that iron will and determination, can do ANYTHING. You have effectively transformed your entire body! I suspect that those same skills can be used to get on top of your debt and to solve other practical problems in your life, like making a sideways move into a job you actually enjoy.

As for the emotional stuff: it sounds to me like the central problem is that you don't really believe that you are interesting. I think you should do something FOR YOURSELF that convinces you that you are. Maybe take a creative writing course, or learn to do sculpture of letter carving? Something creative. I suspect that once you start believing that you are genuinely worthwhile as a person, romantic stuff will appear in your life almost of its own accord. So much of flirting is just confidence in yourself plus the ability to listen to others.

I think you sound like you have the whole package already, you just need a plan!! Get off of social media, stop comparing your life to everyone else's, and start celebrating your own unique brilliance.

Hey OP Well done on losing all that weight and without the support of either parent.

We are trained from birth to equate the tiniest flicker of jealousy with being so wicked, but I think envy is useful because it helps you identify what you want. Not mountains and mountains of clothes it turns out! Maybe you could try and ebay some of what you've bought.

Is there a hobby you'd like to do, something JUST purely for the sheer enjoyment of it, this is where you'll meet your tribe.

I had psychotherapy, not counselling, there is a big difference. I found it very helpful but not immediately. My immediate reaction was ''she doesn't get it, it's ok for her....'' but over time I had the opportunity to notice the way I was reacting, my thought processes and I suppose I did change a bit over time. It wasn't like I walked out the door of the last session with a new super power though. Give psychotherapy a go if it's available to you.

Next Christmas get involved with one of those charities that helps the elderly or the homeless on christmas day. A single australian friend of mine did that when she didn't return back down under for the christmas period and she found it incredibly rewarding.

"Your life has been SO different to your friend's. Losing both your parents at such a terribly young age was bound to affect you very, very deeply. I think you did amazingly well to come through it all. I imagine your friend hasn't been through nearly as much as you have in her life to date, which is partly why she's had a smoother ride. This is unfair, desperately unfair. "

YY to this

I think people who are suspicious of the value of counselling/therapy are often those who haven't had it (or haven't found a good one). People I know who've had it, me included, generally say how helpful it has been.

I'm sorry about your parents though. That must have been devastating. No wonder you went through a bad patch. But things are better now aren't they?

They are better. But not where I wanted to be, where I thought I'd be, at this stage.

I've heard varying things about counselling. Plenty people say it didn't help them.

Again, I'm aware parents die without leaving any money. But if you have children, can you imagine knowing you're dying with a 13 year old?

And thank you, re the nice comments. Shouldn't compare myself really.

It's horribly difficult looking at another friends life and wishing you had what they had, but trust me, you need to just be thankful for what you've got. You've been through some very very tough times but come through the other side and now it's time to recognise how well you've done and think about what you've got, not what you haven't got. Focussing your emotions on things you haven't got or things you can't change will only ever make you miserable. Have you tried counting your blessings - literally making a list in your head of all the good things in your life? you may surprise yourself. xxx

I'm not the type of person to go on about bad stuff that's happened/is happening to me, and even when I'm in the middle of something really awful I tend to speak quite matter-of-factly about things. However, just because someone seems generally positive and well-adjusted doesn't mean that they don't have their own shit to go through.

I had one 'friend' in particular who for some reason decided that my life was perfect and that she wanted it. She became consumed by jealousy and actually turned into a pretty horrible person. I think I basically became the poster girl for everything she felt was missing from her life and she started to hate me, even though I can hand-on-heart say I'd been nothing but a good friend to her. On one particularly memorable occasion, three weeks after a very good friend of mine had just committed suicide, I remember her saying to my face that I'd had such an easy time and nothing bad had ever happened to me. When I gently reminded her of what I'd been going through recently she just sort of shrugged and said something about how at least I had a supportive boyfriend to help me through it. She could only see the things that I 'had', that she wanted, and any bad things in my life were completely irrelevant to her.

Don't let your friend become a symbol of everything you think is missing from your life, and don't do her a disservice by assuming everything in her life is rosy either. Everyone is on a different path and we all have our ups and downs but that doesn't mean you've failed or that she's won

There are some horrible replies here. What's the matter with people?

OP - you've had such a lot to cope with and have done so well. I think you should see a doctor, both about hormones and some gentle counselling.

There are pros and cons to almost every kind of life. The trick is to appreciate the pros, and try to avoid, or learn to live with the cons.

Spending Christmas alone sucks, and must be horrible for you.

But you do have the benefit of free evenings, and time to do things. So, what do you want to do? You can join a club or activity group, either online or in RL. You can try different things.

Be kind to yourself - remind yourself what you have already achieved (which is a lot) and what you do have in your life.

For social awkwardness - yes, flirting can be taught to a certain amount. But it's also possible to meet someone you click with and then not need to know flirting skills. There are many ways to meet people, and to become a parent. Of course the easiest way is to go out flirting, meet someone and get pregnant, but there are options like surrogacy, adoption, step-parenting etc. I know many people who were in their mid or late 30s who thought it was 'too late' for them, but then something happened and their whole life changed. Don't give up on yourself yet.

I feel for you. I also lost my parents young, by the time I was 30, and have no siblings. I am lucky in that I got married and have two DCs, but I am also envious of those with extended families. I barely have any family at all, even extended. My closest members don't live in the uk either. Dh's family is small and dysfunctional too. This feeling has got worse as I've got older as more family has passed on.
If I were you I'd focus on the things you can change about your circumstances- maybe a new job? I started a new one last year and have made a couple of good friends through it already. I'm a bit of a friend collector as they're family replacements.
Could you go on a group singles type holiday, so you'd travel and if you made a connection it would be a bonus.

"can you imagine knowing you're dying with a 13 year old?" - well I do try to imagine that because that's how my mum must have felt. She left me with an alcoholic step father, it was a shit life, in the late 1970s talk about of its time.

I too have struggled to brush off what happened, to cope with it, I've had counselling which helped but there are so many similarities in our stories OP even though I suspect they are decades apart. I have a friend who was born on the same day as me into a lifestyle so far from mine as to be on different planets. A large wealthy family, a couple of shrewd divorces has left her with a private income and she enjoys 3 or 4 holidays a year, beauty treatments and spa days, designer clothes - she's the sort who's always on hand to share a freebie too - cultivates friendships with people who have something she wants like a villa she can have for free in the summer. She makes it clear she looks down on me and my hand to mouth (and obviously cake to mouth) existence. I have read what posters said above with interest, now aged 50+ I am looking back on life with lots of worries for the future and regrets for the past, but I do think that I overcame something horrible and managed to carve out a place for myself. I married very badly as a result of low self esteem, but I do have 2 lovely girls that I had when I was 38 and 40 respectively so I am counting my blessings.

I really have never fancied singles type holidays ... just not for me.

I'm not massively well paid so money is a consideration. I do do voluntary work though.

friends have I asked questions you just don't want to answer? (Which is completely fine and totally your choice obviously.) If so, I'll stop asking them! :)

I don't mean 18-30s(!), but more travelling type ones. I know someone who met their partner this way.
If not, then what about a hobby? Do your friends know you want to meet someone so can 'set you up' for want of a better word.

Sorry OP that was a long rant without referring to you - what I was trying to say is that you have already had some great achievements despite everything, and I think you are a very strong person, just sometimes its all too much and life is so lonely. I understand. I met people who became my family through work and hobbies, volunteering etc

I must say, you don't give yourself enough credit for all the things you have actually achieved which is particularly impressive given you lost your parents at such a young age. You've graduated, bought a house - many young people would have blown through it, that was very responsible, put weight on and weren't happy about it so did something about it. Well done you. Don't be so hard on yourself.Some people are dealt a sh1ter hand in life than others. Your friend may well have a lovely life. But as someone else said, comparison is the thief of joy. Don't compare yourself. You have shown that you have the determination to suceed at whatever you choose so write down a few goals or whatever (I find writing things down quite theraputic), be they clearing your debts and keeping them under control - working with a debt advisory charity etc. who can advise you with your credit rating etc; getting a better job; meeting the person of your dreams etc.
Stay online but also try and meet people IRL, maybe cinema club or book club, running or walking club, volunteering etc. (just random suggestions; I realise you may have no interest but you get the idea). If you want to meet someone, I am sure you will, don't give up hope.
Above all, be kind to yourself, you sound like the type of person worthy of being happy so forget seeing your friend as a problem and worry about your own life rather than hers.

Mags, I'm not depressed. Thank you, though.

No, no. I meant about your weight and your friendship/social situation.

And thank you others. (Sorry, I had to scroll back to see what Mags asked so missed other posts.)

I don't feel I have very much to offer someone relationship wise so at the moment I'm not looking. This could change.

No, your friend is not a problem. You would not be a happier person with fewer friends... Your friend's life on the surface sounds like it has been easier and gone more smoothly than yours so far, but she has no more control over life's tragedies and unexpected events than you do. That's life. You need to stop perceiving her life as representing everything you wanted and won't get - for one, it's not necessarily even the case. You do not have insurmountable obstacles between yourself and a life that would make you feel happy and fulfilled, you are just lumping all the difficulties you currently face together in your mind in an unconstructive way that makes them feel impossible to deal with, because you are tired from all the effort you have made so far and don't feel your efforts so far have reaped sufficient rewards, just different obstacles. You are also focussing obsessively on only one scenario as being the route to happiness. That's a state of mind, not a fixed reality - your life is not as bad as you are telling yourself it is at the moment and isn't doomed to stay still or get worse. You are not as dull and hopeless at talking to people online as you think you are, you just lack practice and self-confidence, because you are busy talking yourself down all the time.

Try rewriting all the things you have said about yourself on here and what you have overcome in a more positive light, instead of downplaying the impressive stuff and highlighting all your problems and failings, it might make you feel better! You have overcome a lot that would have defeated other people. You have been knocked down, floundered for a while like a normal human being, and then dealt with what needs dealing with in a very impressive way. Don't stop, now! And don't assume your friend's life is so perfect, either, because I can guarantee it isn't.

OP, it's human to be jealous. If anyone ever tells you that they are never jealous, well, they are either lying or they are not human. You've been dealt a few hard knocks. And you are right without some of these knocks, you could have had your friend's life. So of course, you are jealous. But, such is life, there are many things we don't control, including the early passing of your parents. Considering the hole luck put you in, you've done very well indeed. Yes, your friend has a better life now but you've traveled further you were in a hole, your friend was immediately many many rungs above you the day your mom died. You need to give yourself proper credit. And forgive yourself for being human.

Keep moving forward. No point in regretting the bad luck you've been dealt. Focus on things you can control, like learning a new skill. Like learning to flirt! You know, "flirting" is just another word for "being friendly". We call it "flirting" when the recipient is of the opposite sex, that's all. You are probably already friendly, you just need to do more of it and to men. One little thing at a time, if you normally wouldn't smile at the man you see everyday at XYZ, do it today! You don't have to have a romantic interest in that man, you are just practicing to express your friendliness more. Do it enough and it'll become a habit!