I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

So for you the decision worked out well. Others on this thread and others have had a different experience.

maybe a husband is coming home to a clean house and a cooked meal but he's also having to have the constant pressure of providing for another adult and possibly children maybe working insane hours to do this and with the burden being the sole provider in a household.
If it was me I'd be seething with resentment and a clean house and meal on the table wouldn't compensate for that.

I am very happily married and completely trust and believe that we will be married until one of us dies. There is no financial risk as we have plenty of life cover. I know you can never have 100% certainty but we've got to 21 years and everything is joint.

But user do you think that the main breadwinner is not in agreement? My DH is happy with out arrangement. I could earn as much if not more than him but we are happy with things as they are right now.

*our

Haven't read the responses, just wanted to say - my advice is go back to work and give it a month or so, then decide. Just because I had a real transition period both stopping and starting work around a maternity leave and, basically, after a couple of weeks was fine both ways X

If it was me I'd be seething with resentment and a clean house and meal on the table wouldn't compensate for that.

user- but not everyone feels like that.

Even before we had kids OH and I discussed childcare. We both felt very strongly that a parent should be there constantly in the early years and we didn't want to use any kind of childcare.
I was happy to give up work to do that.
He was happy knowing that while he was at worked the children were in my care.

No seething resentment at all. It was something we both wanted.

I really hope you're right MsHarry - I was married for 20 years and also thought we'd be together until we were old. Fortunately, this was a second marriage for me, I'd learned my lesson the first time (lost absolutely everything). This time around, I'm a high earner and it hardly made a blip on our family financial situation.

I'm also at an age (early 50s) where I have friends getting divorced after very long marriages (26 - 30 years in some cases). It happens and the fallout is devastating, especially for women who have been heavily dependent on their dh for many years. (I'll give you a clue, one person's living standard drops like a stone and it's rarely the husband's. Where there are still teenage children, it's even worse.) I expect most of them thought they would be married until one of them died too. They're too old to get mortgages easily, mostly in low-paid jobs anyway, and in some cases dealing with things that they haven't had to think about for 25+ years.

Fanjo I think there are many good reasons for someone to stay home when kids are young. Not convinced giving up work when one has teenagers bc it's more fun to have coffees and go to the gym is the most prudent choice on the other hand. Especially when OP has a flexible schedule already.

You would hate not having an employer?
It is possible to be industrious and have a fruitful life without a "proper" job.

I would never imagined the type of life I am living now if I had stayed in the rat race.

Yes, I'd absolutely hate not working. Of course it's possible to be industrious and have a fruitful life without a 'proper' job. For YOU. But not for me. You see.....I am not you

S xx

Early years....no-one is challenging early years SAHP.

My DP will be a stay at home Father and there will be no resentment at all. The OP doesn't have small children. She has older children.

So yes, I would seeth with resentment if I was expected to carry on working 60+ hours a week to earn a high enough wage that my partner could go shopping and have lunches.

I would not be resentful of going to work so that my partner could looks after small children.

stevie so if you won 10 million on the lottery you would still go to work every day?
It's sad that you can't envisage a fruitful life outside of the workplace.

I can think of hundreds of useful and fruitful activities that don't involve work.

I teach, so I've been playing the role of SAHM for the past 3 weeks and it is a piece of cake compared to work

This wholly depends on the stage your children are at. I'm about to have three under three and believe me - nothing will get done at a "leisurely pace"! It was my choice obviously so I'm ready for the long slog ahead but to say being a SAHM is easier than working depends on the individual's situation. I worked after my first and it was a piece of piss compared to being at home all day. I got to hand her over to someone else to raise 50 hours per week and do all the tedious jobs while I got to work, chat to colleagues and have proper lunch breaks etc. I definitely thought working was easier than being a SAHM... no picnics for me for a while

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

When I first read this I assumed that this was the response your DH had to you giving up work. I was going to say if he's happy with the arrangement then what's the problem. BUT this sentence refers to your returning to work. You don't say what your DH's response is to you jacking it all in.( or sorry I've missed it if you did) Presumably you are counting on him agreeing because he's the higher earner? Well that seems to be a big assumption on your behalf. Now I don't necessarily buy into the "work work" culture that we live in and I would love the opportunity to reduce my hours but this is not at the expense of my DH. I want us both to reduce our hours and am workout on ways to achieve this in the next 2 years.

In addition I think that a couple of weeks of holiday is not the same as a permanent arrangement. I think if you've used your brain academically as you have then a lifetime of lunching and gym may not cut it in the long run.

I think the work / not to work argument has been done to death on here many times. The fact is there is no right or wrong.

I'm one of those who had been financially dependent on my DH for almost 15 years as I have not been employed at all since having DC. It's worked for me and I won't deny that. Sometimes I feel I slight pang that I never fully used my MA, but obviously that pang can't be that serious or I would have done something about it!

My DH has a totally different personality to me and while I couldn't have coped with his career, he couldn't have coped with the DC day in day out. So as he facilitates me, I have facilitated him.

I do know where I would be in the event of a separation and that certainty is precisely because I've facilitated DH, as a father of four, to achieve what he has. It is not always the case that wives of high-earners are left high and dry following divorce - if you are with someone who has the opportunity to make multi millions it may well be in everyone's interests to let them go for it. This may not be the most feminist approach, but it is the most practical quite often.

OP it sounds as if you are struggling between working out what you want to do and squaring this with what you think is expected of you. I agree with PPs that a life coach could help? You are in a very fortunate position anyway to have the choice, so make that your starting point. Also, I think as you get older, you can get quite cynical about the "point" of many jobs - the same careers that may have seemed exciting and worthwhile to you pre- DC.

stevie so if you won 10 million on the lottery you would still go to work every day?
It's sad that you can't envisage a fruitful life outside of the workplace.

I have enough money already. A £10m win affects nothing, apart from those I love who stand to get it. Yes, I would go to work every day. Unlike you, I find work the most fruitful way of occupying my day.

PLEASE don't spend time feeling sad for me; that's not fruitful at all My life is way beyond amazing.

Stevie xxx

1ndigo but the OPs DH hasn't agreed... he thinks she should work in the field she's trained for. That's not to say they couldn't come to an agreement but it seems like they haven't had the conversation yet.

Yes agree there is a huge difference between SAHM to pre-school children and SAHM to older/teenagers.

I have a friend who has grown up children. Her husband is constantly stressed, hates his job, she has a cleaner, gardener, ironing lady etc etc. If I was being 100% honest I have lost a little bit of respect for her. Her days consist of going to the gym, shopping and not much else. Everyone else we know works. I can't see how she isn't bored out of her mind.

Why do women marry these men who travel a lot of work? I would just not tolerate that. We did 50/50 each both worked full time. Also why all those clubs in the week! We did zero and our children have turned out fine - they did school stuff, school sports, school music but not out of school stuff in the week. Why bother? (I earned 10x my children's father - worked well for us)

I agree with womblingthree.

Of course it's up to each family to operate on the basis of what works best for them, but frankly I'd be surprised if many couples nowadays subscribe to the polarised roles of man being sole breadwinner and woman being at home- certainly not beyond the early stages of parenting anyway. The social context has changed hugely from when that was the norm- and actually, it was only the norm for a very short period in history and that was more to do with the limitations on women in the workplace and the lack of regulated childcare. For example, my granny was a teacher, but when she married, she was pushed by her employer to go part time, and then when she had children, she had to give up her job. My mother, who had me, my sister and brother in the 1960s, had no access to regulated childcare and if she'd wanted a job would have had to persuade a neighbour to mind us on an unofficial, unregistered basis. So it wasn't simply a case of it being 'better' to have one parent at home- there was often no choice.

To return to the OP- it sounds like you have quite a bit of flexibility in your job, so it's worth thinking hard about what you're giving up (think long term about pensions too) and also think about whether a new career might suit you better. Above all, discuss with your husband what is fair and reasonable for both of you. And then whatever decision you make, agree to review it periodically, because things change, people can become burnt out, or just fancy a shift in their work life balance, and your children's needs will change over time too.

Ultimately it's no ones business but your dh and yours how you run your family, but having said that I don't think too many women would be impressed if their partner turned round and said they didn't want to work any more and wanted to spend their days lunching out etc, and that works both ways- why should men feel greater pressure than the woman to be the earner?

Things change a lot over time, children grow up and become more independent and don't need the 24/7 care which they do as babies, so it makes sense to see this not as a fixed in stone permanent decision. Remaining employable is very sensible these days- even where marriages remain happy, redundancy, illness even death are just facts, and it's a worrying truth that women are far more vulnerable financially than men

Also why all those clubs in the week!

Because some kids benefit from these activities- I know mine did.
My DD does 15 hours of extra curricular activity a week.

Take your time to decide what you want OP
I worked when my children were younger it was bloody hard but I had no choice as do a lot of parents
Now I'm at home , no reason not to go out and work and I'm bloody loving it . It's like I was made for this life
I make no apologies for it either

He's working. You're running the house, doing all the childcare and working. Doesn't seem balanced to me. Could you lessen your hours to two long days or three short days