I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

"Even before we had kids OH and I discussed childcare. We both felt very strongly that a parent should be there constantly in the early years and we didn't want to use any kind of childcare.
I was happy to give up work to do that.
He was happy knowing that while he was at worked the children were in my care."

Strange how men so rarely decide THEY should be the one AH, taking the economic and financial risk.

Strange how men so rarely decide THEY should be the one AH, taking the economic and financial risk

100% this.

Cue "oh but he earns much more and I was never really into my career anyway".

But I wanted to be the one to stay at home.

It was our decision we were both 100% happy with.

No one can tell me that is wrong.

Besides, my OH can't breastfeed.

I work for myself (own business at home) so house and kids falls to me.

For a spell did a project in a traditional office commuting, leaving house early, working late etc. The house and child side quickly went, in DH words "to shit". He has always been appreciative of what I did but when I couldn't do it this increased ten fold.

I realised what a privilege it was for him to not have to even think about pick up times, whats for dinner or whether we were out of loo roll. No wonder men's careers fly with all that taken care off . The only fair way is strictly 50/50 or one has an easier job and picks up the house slack. Women working and sorting out house and children is beyond unfair.

I know what you mean. I took a career break and didn't want to go back, but I'm glad I did. However, I'm now thinking of retiring within the next 5 years. I'm sick of the 1% pay caps and being expected to work 10x as hard for that tiny amount. Everything is results focused now and I don't enjoy teaching the way I used to.

DP will be earning twice as much in the next few years once his contract is up and he goes into the private sector, so we can easily afford it.

I don't think it'll make me any less of a feminist - it's just for my own sanity and a choice I'll be making.

Strange how men so rarely decide THEY should be the one AH, taking the economic and financial risk.

Why is it down to the men to decide? How many women actually say they want to be the one who returns to work whilst husband stays at home?

These choices make sense for us as individuals, but are not made in a vacuum. Men don't make these choices, before and after DC. More of then get to be parents with leas of the drudge work AND promotions and influence in paid work.

A DH earns more after DC, while wife's career takes a hit,increasing the short term rationale for the DW to step back further, at her financial and economic risk. Fine if it works out, but it often doesn't.

With one year statutory maternity leave it's feasible to bf into toddlerhood AND woh: I did. Anyway for all its benefits for DC bf is just one, optional aspect of parenting.

Caileach I'll think you'll find all of us mums, whether working or not, are the only ones who can provide breast milk directly from the breast

If you have partnered someone who is happy to be sole breadwinner and you are happy to be at home, then there's no problem is there?

All we are saying is the OP needs to talk to her dh and come to an agreement which is fair and equitable for both of them, and then review the situation every so often, because things change, children change, health changes, jobs change.

And some of us are also pointing out that although it may suit some couples for the man to be sole breadwinner and the woman to stay at home, it shouldn't be a surprise if in the 21st century, when women have long been educated and trained to the same level as men (and hopefully men are more generally enlightened about how to look after children and do domestic chores) more couples want a more equal balance of earning and caring.

That's all. It's not a personal judgement on any individual situation- it's an observation about how life is nowadays.

I'm over 50, and like many of my friends, met my dh at university so we both started life together with the same expectations, aspirations and employability. I partnered a man who also saw himself as equally capable of cooking a meal or playing hide and seek with a toddler. And to be honest I imagine if I'm 50 and had those expectations, an increased number of younger couples will feel the same. Our own 3 children are now in their 20s and my daughters don't have any expectation that their careers are less important than their partners. Likewise, my son isn't assuming that he'd be expected to be sole provider

I feel like this. Only we need the money from my job.

My answer has been to reduce to 18.5 from 22.5 hours a week due to our only child starting school in September and me wanting to not need after school clubs etc and work this 2 days one week 3 the other.

I'm still better off because I'm not paying nursery fees.

This means I over 5 days at home a fortnight to gym/lunch and coffee and do my own hobby.

I'd rather not work at all and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Apart from the adult company I get nothing from it other than the stress.

If I were you I'd be outta there OP.

Good post loopytiles. Also worth pointing out that even before the days of long maternity leave, breastfeeding was protected in employment rights. My friends and I pretty much all returned to work when our first babies were 12 weeks old. Our workplaces had to provide private space and time to bf or express, and the majority of us chose to bf to a year or beyond. Bf rates are closely linked to social class and education (that's a fact) so I guess it shouldn't be much of a surprise that many working professional women are bf long term

Stay at home mums aren't lazy gobshites

To add to my post: The only reason it would be me packing in is that DP has better earning potential in his career with his experience. I'm pretty much at top I can be without increasing my already big workload. DP's an amazing parent and it's a decision we've made together.

This makes me really angry. Because I work FT in a really demanding client facing job with a six figure salary job but I still manage to make every single play, festival and sports day for three children. Because i prioritise it

^amen to this

I'm in a similar job and I do not shirk my parenting or work responsibilities and can and do juggle both.

I also make sure dh does more - which means sometimes he needs gentle reminders that if I can reschedule my time then so can he.

Most of the time, men who work do not fully accept responsibility their share and most of the load falls to women.

I also don't want to work! Ds is 5!! I want to be with him, fuck feminism! I don't care! I want to raise my son stress free and enjoy him! Working is ruining our relationship! I get home at 6:30 all week! Feed him, put him to bed! I hate it!

Yy loopytiles. I've seen so many posts on here along the lines of the 'we both felt a parent should be at home and he was really supportive of me giving up my job' and none that follow on from that first bit with '..and he insisted that he would stay at home with them'.

Feminism isn't to blame for the financial realities of adult life with dependent DC.

Buttery - amen to that

Another issue is WoH mothers (and fathers sharing the parenting and domestic load) competing at work with fathers with a SAHW.

Not in my case: my occupation isn't highly paid enough for most men who do my job to be willing for their W to SAH.

Sahms are "lazy gobshites"?
Wow

Dh earns far more than I ever could
Its simple economics that I would sahm.
I've been a sahm and worked pt (from 25 hours a week to my current 8) for 15 years.
Being a sahm is making yourself financially vulnerable (unless you are independently wealthy)
Which is why my name is on the mortgage
Which is why all savings are in my name
Which is why dh and I have life insurance/wills etc
Some sahms are quite financially savvy believe it or not....

mrsmartell- exactly.

Our savings have always been in my name alone.

I get rather irritated by the assumption that all sahms spend threat watching Jeremy Kyle in their pants 🤔😡
im not a good example today as I'm still in my Pjs and have just eaten a cream eclair WHICH DH WENT TO THE SHOP FOR AFTER WORKING ALL DAY!!! In bed
My voluntary roles save all you hard-working tax payers money too 😘

the day not threat
Sorry, got cream on my fingers 😂

Today 18:59 Mrsmartell08

Dh earns far more than I ever could
Its simple economics that I would sahm.

• but surely this is increasingly rare? People tend to partner others of similar educational level and abilities so it's very common nowadays with many people meeting their partner at uni or in the workplace, that both partners have very similar earning potential.

As for SAHM not being financially savvy- no one said they aren't, but the fact is you can't have a decent occupational pension if you don't work. You might have a private pension paid into by someone else, you will almost certainly be entitled to a percentage of your dh pension if he dies first, but you're not going to be in the financially advantageous position of a woman who's name is on the mortgage, plus savings, but also has her own income and pension.

Just a fact. Not necessarily the most important one, because there are many other facets of working apart from financial that are important, but worth considering.

And it's also a fact that vastly more women than men are financially set up for their later years. So if as a woman you know you're financially secure even in the events of divorce or partners death, you're in a minority. And that's an issue worthy of debate

That should be vastly more women than men are NOT set up financially for their later years. It's a fact. Many of them are actually unaware of this