I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

Surely in families that are high earners there is already a cleaner though? And Ocado deliveries?

So a well stocked fridge and a clean house already happens without one person spending their mornings in the gym so that they're relaxed?

What about my relaxation?

So I'm expected to work 60+ hours so that my husband can be relaxed in the gym and at lunch?

Cailleach666, I agree, if you're married to a socially and emotionally intelligent man who is egalitarian enough to understand that it's not his wife's fault that women are still paid 79p to the £1 what men earn he will understand that it's an economic and practical solution for the team.

Just double check that he will not in the event of a divorce turn around and try to claim that all the fruits of the teamwork are his alone and all of his career progression was borne out of his own sacrifice entirely!

My x expected me to do everything and not complain and covertly and overtly come to think of it he just believed that the sacrifices of parenting be 90% the mother's.

I'm a single parent and I cant find a part time job. I will stay unemployed until I find a job that works for us this time round I think. I was working ft and it was a nightmare tbh. Kids had frozen sandwiches. No homework done. Left them on their own for longer than they were comfortable with on occasion, missed bin days so I even had a rubbish mountain problem as well as a laundry mountain. No milk in the fridge when I got in from work dying for a cup of tea. And no free time. No space to think 'what brings me joy?' in my one and only short life.

I've decided that I will work pt if and when I find something.

I totally agree stumblymonkeyagain and if your DP did quit and you posted on here about it, he would be called the biggest cocklodger that ever lived.

...and this isn't about the money. It's nothing to do with who pays for what.

But the idea that I should be commuting and doing 60+ hours to keep someone else in a certain 'lifestyle' is a bit obscene to me.

Oh to have a choice.

I'll say it again, you women saying being at home works well for you. What are you going to do if your husband leaves. Or you leave him. Which rarely actually happens when a woman knows she is dependent on her husband for money.

You'll have had a huge career break and from the moment he walks out the door you'll be solely dependent on what he chooses to give you. It's fucking irresponsible to put yourself in that position.

Read the thousands of threads on here where the exact same thing has happened. Unless you have a load of money sat in the bank that solely belongs to you you are in a dangerous position.

Although Xenia was as mad as a box of frogs she spoke the truth about this issue.

Funnily enough...my DP lost his job last year and was out of work...doing all the laundry, my dinner on the table every evening.

I posted about it and he got ripped to shreds on here. In fact I was told to LTB many times.

I get your lifestyle cailleach different strokes for different folks but a good friend of mine was reading ''lean in'' a while ago while i was reading ''how to be free''. We are genuinely very good friends though!

I felt the need for a cleaner when I was working ft but it would have been stupid because I would have had to have paid the cleaner as much as I was earning myself. And then we started getting takeaways a bit too often because I was walking in the door fit to drop and the dc said to me ''what's for dinner?''. And I used to exercise (at home, didn't need a gym) but when I was working I would get home and feel so exhausted and so behind with everything that i'd just put my finger in the damn to do a surface tidy up and then collapse with a beer.

I think the whole rat race thing is so shit.

DH and I are qualified to the same level and work in the same industry. Before we had children we had similar level jobs and earnt the same amount.

During my first mat leave, DH was promoted while I was at SAHM. I went back to work on reduced hours, picked up the slack at home, his career flourished.

During my second mat leave he was promoted again. He now earns significantly more than me. I will go back to work on reduced hours again, but with two now in paid childcare it almost isn't worth it for what I'd earn. Almost.

I had kids and my career suffered. DH had (the same) kids and his career flourished.

I'm certain DH would swap with me in a heartbeat if I said to him, 'you stay home, I'll work.' But now, I don't think I could ever get to the level he's at. It would take me years. While I was on mat leave I missed those same opportunities that he was afforded. Now it'll be twice as hard for me to catch them up.

True, you can share maternity leave these days, but honestly, on an emotional level, I would've found it too difficult to leave my babies at 6 months. I know some women have to. But when given the choice, I couldn't.

I honestly don't know the answer. This is the situation that has been fucking women since women were 'allowed' to have their own jobs and income.

The system is rigged. I'm not actually sure how much choice there is tbh.

Sorry about your current situation Floella. Hope, once your health is better, you can find something much better.

Hallelujah, Chachacha!
I am absolutely with you. It's only when we start to break down these stereotypes we will get true equality.

Yes, Xenia was so extreme. I agree with her completely that it's not great to be dependent on a man but if the man values your role and sees you as an equal then he's dependent on you too surely? I know that the shit hits the fan during a divorce. It's unmarried co-habitating mothers who need to beware of this. Xenia thinks ''my job makes me happy so therefore a job will make you happy'' when other people might be rendered miserable by the excessive toil.

Do you really think men "value" the role that's SAHMs play?

Maybe on the face of it they do. But certainly the men I know and work(ed) with don't. They're certainly glad they don't have to do the shit work, they're lives are organised, they have financial and career stability and are more than aware their wives are dependent on them financially.

I knew one man who was wonderful to his wife, supported her as a SAHM etc etc. His work in-joke was that she was at "home in her tracksuit stirring the beans with greasy hair"

He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

No, he says:

'Sorry chaps, the teleconference will have to be between X and X as from 4 I will be unavailable' (because he is taking his kids to sports).

It's interesting that something like this is your example - something which is largely about prioritisation and diary management, something which probably about 80% of the time COULD be organised, if it had to be.

He is a parent. It is his equal responsibility to do these things. It's not always possible to work things completely equally when jobs are involved, but the very first stage is organisation, and the absolute acceptance of the fact that doing this stuff is HIS problem to sort too.

He is a parent. It is his equal responsibility to do these things.

But shared responsibility may mean one partner doing more of the kid stuff.

My DS had a chronic health problem when he was younger. He rarely had above 80% attendance at school.
My OH never took one day off to look after our son.
But that was fine, I was the SAHP, - being fair is not the same as being equal.
The end result was that our son was cared for- and that was the important thing.

in my family three women have been responsible for financially providing for their children - in 2 cases husband's job loss and in 1 case divorce. I would never rely on a man to provide for me and my children if I had the ability to do it alongside. Never. There are no promises in this life.

^^ This, with bells on. No way would I put myself in such a vulnerable position.

"he's dependent on you too, surely"

Yes, to be both a parent and have a career. Not financially dependent or anything affecting his personal standing / earning power in the labour market. That's a massive difference.

My DH is the main breadwinner. I work mornings in term time. I cook every night(he cooks on Saturday), I do all the housework. I didn't work for 7 years when DC were born and Dh said he felt far less stresses because everything at home and with DC was under control. His colleagues had child care issues esp when DC were sick. I don't and never have swanned around in the afternoon, meeting friends for lunch.I am doing my other job of home maker and mother and my DH does not seeth with resentment, why would we, we are on each other's team. We live according to our means.

Of course DC being cared for is important, but there are other very important things too, like family and mothers' financial security.

Yes I agree, but in our case I am very happy with my part time job that I find fulfilling(I'm a TA) and DH would equally be very happy if I decided I wanted to do more. It's just what works for us right now while DC are at school especially now summer holidays are here and we have no childcare issues.

I felt comfortable not working at all for many years.

I knew that if I needed to I could start work or earn a living for myself.

Cailleach666 - if you're earning £60,000 a year for just 15 hours a week you are in a very unusual position. Most people don't earn that when working full-time.

Most women who choose to sacrifice their career to be SAHM take a huge hit in terms of earning potential. They are putting themselves in financially very vulnerable position by doing so. Giving how many marriages now end in divorce, it's incredibly short-sighted and I'd even say irresponsible because it will be their children who suffer the worst consequences (and they are even more vulnerable if not married). Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I would never put myself or my children in that position again.

lifeinthecountry- it was a risk worth taking.

It you earn £60,000 a year, there is very little risk, that's the point. But most women are not in that position.

That's what I earn now, for many years when the kids were young I earned nothing.