I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

[Minkyfluffster]

In 5 years time you can return to work and still have another 15 years to work. I have a friend at 51 doing well in her new career.

[Wallahibillahitallahi]

Hmm, I would be really cautious about thinking you can just take time off and step back into your career when you want to

[EarlessToothlessVagabond]

I've not read all the replies here so I don't know what kind of reception you're getting (I will read just no time at momeny) but I want you to know I feel exactly like you. Did the whole retraining after years at home with dc while Dh forged a successful career (was mutual decision j was happy with to stay at home). Then felt the brain rot as I did the whole degree shebang when young and did nowt with it. Retrained as a hcp and lasted 5 minutes in the nhs. Now in a precarious charity job that could go at any minute. In the meantime I hit 40 and chilled the hell out about life. What did I have to prove? The whole retraining thing was fucking horrendous and stressful and my dc suffered because I suddenly wasn't around as much (they've adapted as they do but I still feel bad as I was a nightmare with stress). I don't operate well under stress and I made a stupid fucking decision to retrain In The area I did. Now I'm kind of stuck. The grass is almost certainly not greener. But in the meantime I work 4 days in a job that's probably going up the swanney soon but it's relatively stress free just not what I trained for! oh well!
Do you have to do the job you do. Can you drop hours, go back to something that gives you more time/headspace?

[ilovesushi]

If you can afford it, I would really recommend seeing a life coach. I did it when I was at a crossroads re work, family, kids and it really helped me get to the bottom of what I wanted and make some big positive changes. Don't ignore those gut feelings and try and rationalise them away. A life coach can really help you get to the bottom of those emotional responses.

[WomblingThree]

Thank you annielouise for articulating what I'm thinking. It seems to me that most people expect women to be able to have a choice because: "feminism", and yet men don't get the same choices, nor are they allowed to want them (and before the bleating starts, I'm the furthest thing from an MRA).

Serious question OP: what would happen if your husband said "you know what, I'd quite like to swan around drinking coffee and shopping too, so I'm quitting work and it's your turn to earn the 6 figure salary to keep us in the style to which you've become accustomed". I'm almost betting you would have an absolute shit-fit, as would most of the so-called feminists on here. He would absolutely be called a cocklodger, and every other name under the sun.

However PPs are justifying it, if you give up work to stay at home when your children are older, you are being supported by a man (unless you claim benefits). I don't get how it's feminism that men are supposed to work all hours to bring in huge salaries, and then come home and do all the stuff that a SAHW has had all day to do. If you want to stay home all day, fine, but do your job and let the wage earner do theirs, and be bloody grateful you can afford that choice.

[TheNightmanCometh]

However PPs are justifying it, if you give up work to stay at home when your children are older, you are being supported by a man (unless you claim benefits).

Or if you're not claiming benefits or being supported by a man. It's not either/or. Some women have their own funds.

Also, you're making quite a lot of assumptions. OP hasn't said anything about a six figure salary, or having, or wanting, a certain lifestyle. Perhaps he doesn't earn that much for the hours he does. Perhaps he does, but they've been very frugal, aided by OP being at home, and invested heavily with nobody actually needing to earn income at all at this point. Perhaps OP would like him to cut down on/stop working too, but hasn't mentioned that as she knows it's not on the cards. So much we haven't been told.

You've also left out the income earned from the Air B and B, which OP facilitates and has said nothing about stopping. Your work quitting DH has said nothing about doing this, so in order for there to be a parallel, he too would have to be engaging in some form of income generating activity. Bear in mind that Air B and B can easily net you thousands a year, if you're in the right sort of area and do enough of it.

[redphonebox]

I don't think working all hours even if that means never being there for your kids and drowning in domestic work while your DH carries on his merry way is any kind of feminist ideal TBH.

If your main priority is the fight for equality then surely making sure that childcare and housework is split equally with your partner is a more useful goal.

[BertieBotts]

Why don't you give up the airbnb and instead take au pairs on short contracts? You'be clearly got the space and could do with the helping hand, and you'd get the horizon opening and interest like you have now. Of course you'd be paying them rather than they paying you but you don't need the income? What could go wrong?

[Loopytiles]

I do not want to be financially dependent on DH. State pension age is soon going to be 68. Lots of years to financially plan for.

[Cailleach666]

If your main priority is the fight for equality then surely making sure that childcare and housework is split equally with your partner is a more useful goal.


That's your view.

OH and I work as a team. He works very long hours, he is able to do this without stress because I do 90% of housework and childcare.
He does no laundry and never cleans a toilet.
When he has time at home he is able to relax and spend time with us.

It works for us, and we are equals.

[Skarossinkplunger]

TheNightmanCometh I'm not costing the NHS anything, my job is not making me ill, just unhappy. The pay is shit, I frequently work extra hours that I am paid for and the pressure is massive. But I would be more unhappy depending on my DH to subsidise my life. I need my idenpendence.

[TheNightmanCometh]

I didn't mean you were now skaross, I meant you're potentially more at risk of various problems in the future if you're both very unhappy and working yourself to the bone, which realistically you are if you're commuting four hours a day. That obviously can have a cost to the NHS. I've seen it happen.

Your desire not to rely on someone else for financial support shines out, so I didn't mean stopping necessarily, but looking at other options.

[WomblingThree]

Exactly @Cailleach666. I don't understand why one partner expects to stay at home whilst the other partner works long hours and brings in the money and then is expected to do 50% of the housework and childcare too. How is that actually fair?

[ImAFurchester]

I don't have chuldren but if I could, I would stop work tomorrow. As it currently stands I am the sole earner as my partner was made redundant last year, but as soon as he's working again we will look at me reducing my hours if possible. My job is hard and stressful (teaching) and I would be very happy to be a lady of leisure.

I would have (and did) said the same before I had children.

Perhaps it's different when they are school age but with young DC being a SAHM is in no way a life of leisure - I go to work for a break!!

[Floellabumbags]

I'm planning to quit my job. I'm off ill (will need at least four weeks) from a minimum wage job in a total shithouse. I hate it. And I've realised that I have totally devalued myself. I have two degrees and a postgraduate qualification but, because I took time out to be a SAHM, I have ended up in a job I despise. My confidence in my own abilities and my self worth are shot. I haven't told DH my plans; I'm just going to do it then deal with the consequences. There are things that I really want to do and there are some opportunities coming up so I'm going to go for it and see if I can make it happen. Just have to quit this awful job first.

[redphonebox]

womblingthree and cailleach I wasn't commenting on relationships where one partner goes out to work and one stays at home. I was talking about relationships like the OPs where both work.

In that situation I think it's more feminist for BOTH to contribute to household chores/childcare, even if BOTH of them have to take a hit career wise by working fewer hours, taking on a more family friendly role etc.

I realise that isn't always possible especially if finances don't allow. But I just don't understand why a mother working full time even if she is still doing all the housework/childcare and is unhappy is seen as feminist. That's not feminism to me.

[Skarossinkplunger]

i work in the public sector. In the first round of austerity cuts I was re-deployed and my salary dropped by £4,500 per year. In my new job I have no chance if a pay-rise because I'm at the top of my scale. Then my new department moved another hour away from me. It's a very specialist role and there a no opportunities nearer to home. I can't afford to retrain so I'm stuck.

[stumblymonkeyagain]

As the main breadwinner in our family I would be beyond annoyed if my DP decided he didn't want to work as he didn't need to.

I also earn in a week what he earns in a month but can you imagine, for a second, how seethingly resentful it could make your DH to work such long hours while you shop and have lunch?

I would absolutely lose my shit with DP if he even remotely suggested that since I earn so much he should be free to be the equivalent of a 'lady that lunches' because he doesn't like the idea of working.

[Cailleach666]

how seethingly resentful it could make your DH to work such long hours while you shop and have lunch?

Maybe that would happen in your relationship, it doesn't in ours.

My OH works 60+ hours a week.
He loves the fact that he comes home to a clean well organised home, fresh laundry in his wardrobe, fridge well stocked, me super fit and relaxed because I have spent 4 mornings at the gym. The kids are organised and happy, the family finances in order.

If I worked full time he would come home to a frazzled wife and a load of housework to do.

No resentment here.

[Cailleach666]

Exactly fanjo.

Far from being "seethingly resentful" me being at home lifts some of his stress. So he works hard and I ease his burdens. So he isn't having to come home to do 50% of the housework.

Instead he comes home to a home cooked meal.

We are a team.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

We have a home cooked meal every day. Sometimes I cook, sometimes DH, sometimes DC.

Or we might eat out.

It doesn't prevent any of us from having a job if we want one.

[Zephyr01]

clean well organised home, fresh laundry in his wardrobe, fridge well stocked, me super fit and relaxed because I have spent 4 mornings at the gym. The kids are organised and happy, the family finances in order.

Whilst earning £60k doing 15 hrs per week? You are obviously a cross between Nigella, Thr Green Goddess and Karen Brady.

Don't suppose you have time to sort out the Brexit fiasco as well do you?

[Cailleach666]

Zephyr01 I am sorry if you don't like my lifestyle.

It suits me quite well.