I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

"I think you're confusing staying at home with house arrest".

Exactly Eggandchips.

As for depression, well possibly if you live in the middle of nowhere and have absolutely nothing going on outside the home, that situation might lend itself to depression. But no more than a boring or stressful job might do. As for teenagers ignoring you, well they will do that whether you're working or not. .

Life is what you make it, whether you work or not.

Aim high ladies- if you land yourself an interesting and rewarding job, you're at least making the decision whether to work or not from a place of positivity.

There are too many women bemoaning that they'd rather not work because their job was boring, mundane, low status and low pay (compared to their dh who often miraculously seems to have a great career!)

Indeed, the magic penis seems to mean after unviersity these men just happen to choose very well paid interesting jobs and their wives didn't. Work on your teenage girls now before it's too late -tell them about high paid interesting jobs which will enhance their lives.

Delegate, delegate, delegate!

If he's earning enough, spend what he's earning on help.

If it pisses him off, tell him to do it.

Been there, wrote the book and made the film. Ended in divorce.

I loved working life but my ex was away a lot, 'hiding' in his big fancy job. And when he came home, he 'hid' in the pub or on the golf course. My mum and my sister are dead so I had absolutely no family support and 2 boys with all the work you now have. Reading your post makes me exhausted, I've no idea how I or you do it, but you do and you will burn out. Wait till peri meno hits! I eventually re-trained as a beauty therapist and worked from home. It wasn't easy and it's lonelier than going out to work as there's no colleagues but we needed the money. It's an option to do something at home?

Alternatively, get help! A nanny, cleaner, laundry service?

You really CANT do it all without resulting bitterness and resentment towards your DH eventually.

And ensure teenage boys are willing and have practice in domestic work and ideally also childcare!

To my mind there are good reasons to work and good reasons to stay at home - depending on the type of family life you want and your inclination. People choose what works the best for them and their family (and what they can afford).

What interests me is the apparently rather short term view people take of the 'cost' of working and I don't really understand this. Childcare costs in the uk are incredibly high and certainly for a period of time may represent a net 'loss' to family income. But surely this is just short term and foreseeable and so should be saved up for with a view to having a dual income in the long term? (I am assuming here the only reason for one party not to work is the cost of nursery).

Interestingly I have seen a lot of change in the past few years in my (city type) workplace with a move towards moreover family friendly working practices for both sexes. I also see many different formulations of family life - sahd, SAHM, both working etc. But what I find to be typical is that one party has a bit more 'flex' or a job with a more regular timetable and can pick up the slack. Examples where both parties are in the most challenging and unpredictable role are fewer, at least in my experience.

Whilst of course a parent can seek to adjust their job to be able to do regular school pick ups or whatever (and probably could do more than they do), in my experience the reality still is that this can limit your ability to maximise career progression in some jobs. So it can make (financial) sense as a family for one party to support the other to max out their career by taking domestic concerns off the table for them, rather than having two people working in a more constrained way with the additional stress and challenges that brings. I have seen this with either the mother or the father staying at home - depending on who has the more financially rewarding job or has the inclination.

I do find these things interesting and I think things are moving in the right direction. I think the expectations of the younger generation (both men's expectations of their role in family life and women's expectations of work) will keep opening up options for different working patterns.

To answer the OP it sounds as though there are some good ingredients in your set up. I would personally try to make the mix work better for you by rejigging a few things than give it up so soon. It sounds as though you like your job. It's a pretty good start!

Ok, so SAHM are either

1. Lazy cocklogers who prioritise having fun over paying their way in the world.

or.

1. Downtrodden anti feminist drudges who set their kids a bad example and probably need tranquilisers just to get through the day.

Can't be both surely.

I was in a similar position. I have ended up being seriously ill. I have fibromyalgia and osteoporosis and lots of slipped discs, I'm lucky to get out of bed.

My point is, life is short. Enjoy it while you can. I'm now missing out on everything because I tried to do it all. Be mum, work a demanding job, keep kids n hubby happy. Now no one is.

How did working outside the home cause you to have fibromyalgia and osteoporosis and lots of slipped discs, was it a manual job? I think the OP's job is more office based.

Funny how men don't get to enjoy it as they can't give up work as their wife expects them to earn so they don't have too.

I think a mix of both Caille, it is lazy to opt out of working and it does nothing for children to see that boys need to study hard as they are expected to work and girls just need to learn how to find a man and wash dishes.

Agree famousfour.

Like you, I don't see fundamentally different aspirations and expectations from young women and young men... first and foremost they are people and want a healthy balance in their life - an interesting work life (but not at the expense of home and children) and vice versa: an enjoyable home life (but not at the expense of career.)

It's not always easy to find that balance, but it is becoming easier than ever before with shared parental leave. It starts with getting the message across to children that that both genders can care, cook, clean as well as have a career - I think as a parent it's never too early to get that message across. It's also important to discuss these things with your partner before embarking on baby making... if you are both clear about wanting a balanced life and working at making that happen, it's easier than slipping into gender- prescribed roles and then several years later trying to re calibrate the relationship dynamics. There are way too many threads on MN from women whose husbands never lift a finger in the home, aren't around for bath and bed time etc - it's harder to have to resolve those situations than to never let them arise in the first place

Not saying it's easy... it means planning ahead in terms of career and home for the two of you, it often means a big financial childcare hit in the early years to keep two of you in the work place and there are undoubtedly times when you'll feel it would be much easier to have someone at home mopping up all the domestic stuff. You then have to factor in all the other stuff that life throws your way... However as a mum of children who are now in their 20s i can see it's definitely worth the juggling, the negotiation, even the years of 'working for nothing' when the children were pre schoolers.

Life is short, why shouldn't women and men get to have a crack at it all, career and home? We may be different genders but surely we're first and foremost people and parents, wanting much the same out of life

Up to you and your husband. I'm underemployed and love my life, I spend most of my time at the gym, having my hair and nails done, meeting my husband for lunch, or otherwise socialising.

I don't kid myself that this is what feminists were fighting for, though.

These threads don't help me. I lost my job shortly after having dd and got an evening job. I could not work full time. Dd did not sleep and I ended up supporting my parents through my father's terminal illness. When df died, dm still needed me. She has health issues of her own . I also had dd and ds quite far apart so childcate costs would have gone longer. I still work but a few more hours around school but v much pt and dead end.

Not everyone has the set up to get/maintain a career. My last job was ok and could have been flexible but not worth paying huge childcare bills for 10 yrs and this would not have been great for my wellbeing either. This is something almost never taken into consideration. I cannot count the number of mums ( yes, mainly mums) stressed with the juggle.

I also see many, both men and women wanting to take a step down but feel they can't because their life is set up around their career - huge mortgages, big car etc - and pride won't let them either. My life is set up to accommodate a crappy job - low mortgage, old banger and zero expectations. Of course, i would like to do something more interesting but for me

Yawn...

But seriously...that sounds SO terrible. I can't imagine how you keep it together day-to-day.

Who?

It's not always easy to find that balance, but it is becoming easier than ever before with shared parental leave.
But this doesn't make a difference when one person's job takes them away from home for days/weeks/months. It is hard being the sole parent and having a demanding job. Isn't this the crux of the problem for OP?

To the OP: definitely a discussion to be had with your DH. Sounds like you're picking up a bit more than he is on the domestic side of things and there's a balance to be righted. Up to you guys to negotiate how to right it but I guess the choices are you working less to allow you to do more at home, or him working less to allow him to do more at home.

This thread has made me feel quite sad - irrespective of tax take, career success, financial ambition and watching your back in your relationship, are there really so few people who prioritise their families and family time?

When DP and I decided to have children, we were both in jobs that were extremely well paid but very family unfriendly. Not in a "sitting around after 5pm because you hate your partner" sort of way, but in a "zero flexibility and long hours for employees is how our business makes money" sort of way. We both had lovely childhoods where our parents were around a lot and knew that was the childhood we wanted for our children and the life we wanted for ourselves. For the record and to respond to some of the PPs' rude comments presuming women are always in less good/ financially rewarding jobs, I was paid more than DP and had as good prospects of career success/ earning potential, if not better. My job was arguably more prestigious. However, DP's career offered more options to move into more family friendly roles.

We decided to make big changes. DP was lucky enough to find a new job that means he gets home at 5:30 every day, travels a lot less, but still pays him enough to allow me to give up my job. I gave up my job (1) because I COULD (and I fully understand the frustration of those who would love to be able to, but couldn't afford to, reading this thread); (2) because DP was supportive and encouraging; and (3) I love spending time with my children and the thought of paying someone else to do something I loved and had wanted to do for a long time was heartbreaking. I loved my job, too, but I'd had a good decade enjoying it and putting a lot of energy into it and so I didn't mind moving on to a new stage of life. I didn't want to have to compromise on either my children or my job so preferred to focus on one wholeheartedly.

DP is now free to focus on his job, which he loves. I am free to focus on MY job, which I also love (working in the home is still work, again for all the rude PPs who subscribe to the traditional snobbiness about unpaid domestic work). We are a great team and both work hard. Our life is totally shared - DP helps out around the house when he's at home, but when he's at work I try to get as much done as possible so that our weekends/ evenings are free to have fun together as a family. All our bank accounts etc. are joint. DP doesn't feel any resentment for providing for his family financially, I don't feel any resentment for doing most of the cooking/cleaning/childcare.

I'm just really sad to hear that we seem to be such an unusual family.

Don't feel sad ...lots of us are equally happy with the set ups we have. It obviously works for you and your dh to have one providing financially and one at home, which is great, and as you would have been heartbroken to use any paid childcare it was obviously important to you.
But honestly, it's perfectly possible to love your children's company, relish parenting and also both work. These things aren't mutually exclusive

HappyPixie your set up doesn't sound unusual to me at all, in fact it sounds highly traditional, minus being married.

This has been a super thought provoking thread, I really appreciate everyone's posts.

I really love reading all these views. Such valuable input.

It is not that I have always been a complete full time sahm. I have been working part time from home, and also taken on freelance work. Both these small jobs alongside each other have been very flexible, on my terms, and I could juggle them around dhs work and my dc, along with chores. I have not had a cleaner as there was no need, I could easily do it. I had more spare time than I had work.
I could easily fit in a coffee with a friend or a morning session at the gym, as well as studies. I have had it easy.

Now that I will no longer really be my own boss, my flexibility is very reduced and I find it hard to adjust to going out to work at a set time and to be back at a set time. Our set up has worked well with mine and dhs work, and we need to juggle things around differently now to ensure it is smooth. My biggest worry is how we are going to make it work.

The useful points I am getting is:
Get a cleaner
Stop airbnb
Get dhs work to pin down further in advance when he needs to be where, and ideally no more than two days away travelling per week. This way HE can take charge of dinner/transport etc. So what if we have frozen pizza or bland oven baked salmon without salt, herbs or spices of any kind, with raw veg on a regular basis )
DH to work from home more

I like the point that someone made : If dh likes me to work to take the pressure of him financially, he needs to take the pressure of ME domestically. Very fair point.

We cant afford a second car.
I feel my dc are too old (at 15 and 12) to get an au pair in. A cleaner should do. Along with a schedule of chores for the dc to do.

Or maybe, offer the room for free to a student in exchange of house cleaning, and cooking dinner a couple of times per week!

When I say he earns x times more than me, and that we can afford for me not to work, it is not necessarily because he is such a high earner, but because we live relatively frugally and dont have a massive mortgage. Having said that, my two very small part time jobs and airbnb have been helpful financially, but I will earn a lot more in this job.

For the record, I'm not sad that the rest of the world isn't living just like us. I'd be grateful if my post weren't wilfully misconstrued as being anti-WOHM parents just because I happen to be a SAHM, thanks. It is possible to choose one way to live while accepting that there are other ways to live and gasp that those other ways might even be better for other people in other circumstances.

To be clear, what I find sad is more that lots of people seem to be making decisions at least heavily influenced by negative considerations like "my relationship might break down" or "I don't want to be badly thought of" or "my partner is unsupportive so the domestic burden falls squarely on my shoulders while I am expected to share the burden of financial responsibility". Or, worse, that the family doesn't really have a decision to make because of financial constraints.

It would be nice to see a thread like this full of people making decisions for positive reasons and saying: "WE thought about what would best suit our FAMILY and WERE ABLE to organise ourselves to make it so."

Not "OMG you can't possibly give up work because [your partner will inevitably leave you I know loads of women who've been totes fucked] [no one will respect you] [your brain will crumble] [you'll become horribly depressed] [society will cast you out for the feckless idiot you no doubt are]." This plays into the old patriarchal disrespect for what is traditionally women's work and is a horribly negative and cynical view of the world. Looking after children is an important, worthwhile and rewarding job that deserves a lot of respect. Sure, it might not suit everyone, but what job does? Society may not agree but society is wrong.

Or "I gave up work [AND THEN MY LIFE CRUMBLED INTO DUST AND MISERY AND I CONTRACTED LEPROSY AND LIVED OUT MY DAYS SAD AND ALONE IN A LEPERS' COLONY etc. etc. Don't do it OP]. So it doesn't suit you/ your family? Change it and stop whining. If you're sufficiently well off to afford to live on one salary you're sufficiently well off to manoeuvre yourselves into a situation that suits you all better.

Or "I hate reading posts like this full of stupid middle class women who don't know they're born - I wish I could stay at home but we couldn't possibly afford it". Yes, I agree. It's sad you can't and I wish there were more support for families to arrange themselves as best suits them (in the workplace, in terms of social support and also the cost of living).

Or "I have to carry on working because [insert reason here] but my life is hard because I have a partner who doesn't pull his weight at home because he is basically an appalling misogynist who doesn't respect me or love his children sufficiently to want to fully engage with his role as a father." I don't know what to say to this. Women have done enough fighting - the next stage of feminism should be that men should step up, both to their domestic responsibilities and to the amazing advantages that come with greater equality.

Phew, rant over. Sorry OP! Hope you sort everything out - sounds like you have lots of ideas and are pretty flexible so I'm sure you will.

HappyPixie I'm much more concerned about relying on a partner financially and his company going bust, losing his job, or getting ill. It's naive to think this can't happen to your breadwinner. Remember 2008 anyone?

LadyofPleisure good luck to you and hope you can get your DH to lighten your load!

newbian there are ways to mitigate this risk without two incomes, tho' they are largely dependant on both partners being educated and flexible.

I won't make any assumptions about your situation, and of course lots of people genuinely can't afford not to both work or don't have partners, but I know lots of people who feel they both have to work but are in fact choosing lifestyle (massive mortgages, private schools, expensive holidays) over family time. A lot of ex-colleagues never saw their kids and then all of a sudden it would be "yes, we're off to Barbados for two weeks. I'll be contactable as usual." As if two weeks in Barbados with your dad glued to his phone makes up for the rest of the year when he is entirely absent.

Saying you need two incomes must be a question of degree considering the large numbers of single parents doing it entirely on their own. Often it's a choice.