I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

This:
It would be nice to see a thread like this full of people making decisions for positive reasons and saying: "WE thought about what would best suit our FAMILY and WERE ABLE to organise ourselves to make it so."

Before first DD we made a decision that we wanted a SAH parent and that it wouldn't necessarily be the same person all the way along. As each job and house move came along, I have ended up as the SAHM by mutual choice. I never thought I would be a parent let alone a stay-at-home one so it has been a considered decision for us. I have friends who ask why I am not back in corporate work and think I am wasting my brain. I'm not. I'm so happy. My DH & DDs are happy. And despite a SAHM role-model we have manged to raise two fiercely independent feminists.

OP I hope whatever you choose to do brings a smile to your brain.

He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

He actually can, unless it is a liability issue, he is charing the meeting, or minuting it perhaps.

He does not have to give a reason. He can cut the conference call using the standard line as the call opens of "I have a hard stop at X time" followed by "I have to duck out now" at X time.

*He does not have to give a reason. He can cut the conference call using the standard line as the call opens of "I have a hard stop at X time" followed by "I have to duck out now" at X time.
*

This isn't the way many workplaces operate.

My OH would be on a disciplinary if he pulled that too often.

In what job can you do that???? Seriously? If he gets a call from.the US at 10pm he has to take it!
My dh is a director....he simply cannot do what you suggest!
I agree with a pp...just do what's right for you and your family.
Try and make sure you as the sahp are future proofed as much as you can be.
You will always be judged - whether working ft or sahp.
Just smile and wave :)

My Oh works in a small company and solves problems.
Solutions have to be found.
If he starts a surprise job at 6pm then the job has to be finished. He can't just duck out at 7pm because kids kids need to be bathed. Clients need their businesses operational.
My OH ducking out may mean no operational business systems the next day for 500 users, or a client losing thousands of pounds because of operational failures.
If he tried these "hard stops" he would be sacked.

I agree, it really depends on the workplace. No way could lots of people I know do that. When a (senior) staff member at my work did stuff like that she got slated and was told her actions were unprofessional

at CloneClubSestra

Happypixie- I disagree with you that people who make different decisions from you are all doing it from a negative perspective of 'what ifs...'

And actually your earlier post when you said it was a shame most families aren't like you and don't prioritise family time was one of the most negative things I've read on here!

I'll say it again: many of us partner a man who has a similar outlook and aspirations as we do. He has useful skills and is good at his work but is equally capable of looking after the children and cooking s meal. He wants to work, but not at the expense of family life through jet setting off every 2 mins or working late into the night. And vice versa- I and many other women adore our children, love spending time with them but not at the expense of our career.

It's about both partners having a balance of both things, rather than taking on the demarcated roles. It's different to how you choose to do things, but that doesn't make it worse, and there's no need to patronisingly say you feel sad for couples like us.

There really is no need. My kids are all grown up now, happy, doing well at uni and work and with great relationships with dh and me. As no doubt your children will be. Dh and I both have interesting work lives which we've now progressed in and we both have a good amount of down time too (easier of course when the kids are adults!)
Oh and although we do have a cleaner (and yes btw i do value her- she's fab) we share shopping and cooking.

I don't think we're unusual at all... many of our friends have similar set ups and I'm
Struggling to see why anyone would feel sad for us.

I imagine you can do it occasionally in some senior jobs but probably not regularly and reliably and there's the issue.

babbity- most of your friends have cleaners?

You must move in some wealthy circles.

My dh is a director....he simply cannot do what you suggest!

What would happen if he did?

I imagine you can do it occasionally in some senior jobs but probably not regularly and reliably and there's the issue.

It depends. Part of it is about managing expectations. Some individuals are better at managing expectations than others. There are industries where one has a professional responsibility at all hours of the day and night. On-call emergency services, say, or senior government officials. Or as Cailleach666 suggests, when the business has clients who need a round-the-clock service in order to remain operational. However where this is the expectation, the employee ought to be compensated accordingly, and understand their responsibilities as part of the job description. Sometimes, it is a question of the employee choosing their employment prospects over bathing their children. This is a choice, though. Some parents do tea and bathing the children then go back to work after the children are sleeping. This works fairly well if one has conference calls with the US as these may kick off after dinner and story time, for example.

Again, strange how it's almost always men who have these immoveable work commitments and that "mutual decisions" for one parent to SAH always lead to mothers being AH.

Actually (I think) the more senior you are the more flexibility you have.
It is the mid ranking staff who get shafted the most for trying to have a work life balance.

HappyPixie I totally agree with your post. A lot of people do make lifestyle choices that necessitate 2 incomes.

Cailleach- I said many of my friends have similar set ups. The clue is in the words 'many' and 'similar'. I didn't say 'most' or 'same.'

Incidentally we've only had a cleaner in the last few years (childcare fees ended yonks ago and only one child still at uni to contribute towards)

loopy- it's not strange.

It's a man's working world.

The only women who work in my OHs company are admin and accounts.
No women in a technical position.

^Actually (I think) the more senior you are the more flexibility you have.
It is the mid ranking staff who get shafted the most for trying to have a work life balance.^

I agree with this. I decided after giving the matter some thought that middle management is unlikely to be the place for me. Once one is senior enough to have dedicate admin support this frees up one's time markedly. Office housework is a remarkable time-sink.

Yes I suspect my DH has such good flexibility because he's so senior.

No one can discipline him or even comment on what he does or where he does it. Provided the clients are happy and handing over the fat stacks, he's left alone.

That said, the culture moves down the chain. DH has little interest in how or where or when his team do their work provided the work is done and the $$$ roll in.

My work is flexible because I'm freelance. I decide which projects to take on (or not). Once the projects are underway there are deadlines to meet but no one gives a shit where or how I meet them. And there are some immovable meetings but these have notice because there are often numerous people involved from different places.

The best line manager I ever had (a man with kids) did drop off for his kids on specified days each week and made it clear no early meetings got booked for him on those days. He got up and did work early to be flexible around his kids - you commonly got emails from him at 6am, for instance, but not at kids' bedtime. He was very good at focusing on what his team got done, not on how many minutes each day they were visible at their desks. And his already senior career has bloomed since then so it hasn't harmed him. Most importantly, his wife worked part time, so if didn't 'have' to do all this - he could have expected her to pick it all up as quite a few men do. But he valued his family life and arranged his work accordingly. It can be done.

My DH worked a demanding job. I did all the child stuff. Now he's retired he dedicates his life to his hobbies and still isn't that interested in his DC. Don't assume things will change once the 'demanding' job has gone.

buttery certainly DH's career has not been in any way harmed.

He's one of the top earners in his firm (hundreds of partners across all continents). And is a member of various management teams ( though he has kept his involvement here deliberately small - might ramp up when they're in university, though he might not).

Carl there's a real need for examples of men doing this, to counter all the posts of 'my DH's job just isn't flexible'. Thanks.

buttery I'm proud of him and I think what he's done flies a bit of a flag.

But TBH it wasn't a selfless decision. He wanted more involvement with home and family. He and the DC have been the winners here.

And me of course. My own career has really taken off.

Work isn't for everyone, and Raising a family is full time job in itself.
However you're lucky you're not a lone parent or you'd be forced out to work regardless of your emotional and physical welfare or what's best for your children or however tired you were.

He does not have to give a reason. He can cut the conference call using the standard line as the call opens of "I have a hard stop at X time" followed by "I have to duck out now" at X time.

Dh could not do that. He could, if I, or one of the kids swallowed bleach, fell from the roof, etc.

All he can do is try influence the time of the call, and the length. That is not always possible. Impossible if an urgent problem related to one of his projects crops up. He does try to do this when he is home. His work is flexible in some ways, inflexible in others. I am of course only complaining about the bits which are inflexible and impact on me.