I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

me and my partner talk about having the money not to need to work and we both agree none of us would. If you can afford not to and it makes you and your family happy then don't work. You can always volenteer to pass time if you need too.. otherwise put your feet up you sound like you deserve too!!

No Fanjo, not top trumps at all. Wasn't aware OP had a disabled child (or do you mean you?) I just think that the post is faintly ridiculous and actually insulting to those of us who HAVE to work - what on earth does she need to post about - what's the actual conundrum here?. You don't have to work, so don't. Lucky you. Personally I think everyone should contribute to the family pot (if you're lucky enough to have a husband/partner earning too) whatever the contribution is. I personally think it's plain lazy not to...whether you're a man or woman. Especially when your kids are at school - what are you doing all day?? And before you list your chores, working mums do ALL of that AND go to work, and if you're a single parent you work, do all that home graft and all the boring admin too. I do it, I'm not exhausted and I have a life. OP should get one.

Yes the OP should get a life - the one that she decides suits her best. Lily, your situation is totally irrelevant. In different circumstances, you might make different choices.

Why would you be lonely if you didn't work just because your friends do? You have your children and your DH for goodness sake. I'm retired and live alone and i'm not lonely so why should you be? If you don't need the money don't work. Your children will benefit from having a mum who isn't frazzled and fractious. You've invested in your career by getting qualifucations. Plenty of time to pick it up lster. Listen to your heart.

Exactly fanjo. Ridiculous comments lily. Am sure there are women in Africa who can only dream of your life so you can never complain

One person having things objectively more difficult isn't an argument that another isn't exhausted. That's not how it works. You don't get less tired because you're not the worst off person around.

lilybookins - I'm failing to see why you are insulted when you are so busy having "a life" and doing what you think you ought to be doing, anyway. What is so insulting about someone having a different idea of what would make "a life" for them? That they aren't forced to lead the life you would choose to lead, anyway, even if you didn't have to?!

AS a dad who worked 40+hours per week or had to work away from home for weeks at a time I would have loved to tell my clients I had to drop everything to go home to take my kids to their clubs. When I worked closer to home I did and I loved doing it, but I still helped around the house trying to make it easier for my wife. Doing the night feeds when they were babies, cooking, doing the washing ( clothes and dishes ) just to allow her to have 5 minutes where she didn't have to.
I began to resent the work so I made the choice to change my career, took a BIG pay cut but do a job now that I start early in the morning but I'm finished for dinnertime(12pm) so I can pick kids up from school, take them to their clubs and still do the jobs around the house that I can do to save my wife from having to do them. I changed what days that I call weekend as I have a Wednesday and a Saturday off but work the rest. I'm now happy, stress free and be me. You can always change what you do and still work but still have time for family, YOU have to make the choice what you want to do, don't ask your Dh tell him what you are doing.

Soo true - work is not the only thing that keeps people stimulated!

I hear my male colleagues tell their DWs that they can't make X or get home in time for Y and I just think - bullshit. You just don't want to enough
To be fair, its not just men - I have a female friend who hasn't attended any school sports days for her DS (and she knows he's the ONLY one without a parent there), because its always on a day that she works. Her work is v flexible, and understanding, and she regularly makes use of this when something else crops up, swapping her days to fit in social activities :-(. She's a lovely, kind person, but its just not high enough on her list to attend.

This is so depressing. Do what you and your dh are happy with op. My ds ambition was s to be a 'home dad' (he is 5) and then fix up his house and garden and cook his wife nice dinners. Should I tell him that's not on because it's not feminism and no decent woman would agree?

Dear OP.

Endure me.

Your feelings are completely natural at this stage in life.

I am not going to mention any names, but I am going to tell you about a well known couple in public life

One of them felt the same as you and they went travelling alone for a year with the agreement of their partner.

When they were reunited, their marriage went from strength to strength and they had two more children.

As we all live so much longer now, remember when marriage was invented the average lifespan was about 36-42, the number of women who died in childbirth until relatively recently is enough to make your blood run cold, now most of us will live a quarter or a fifth of our lives beyond retirement, we need to be more imaginative about managing longer marriages with personal, individual needs.

My mother told me that her friends all fall into two categories -- some went back to work after the kids got old enough, and the rest take antidepressants. Obviously this is just her experience but I think it's worth considering.

Teapot, I doubt your mum's friends who went back to work were in the majority who have kind of shite jobs with shite managers and shite pay. That's the sort of thing most of us have, and that's also going to depress people's moods.

When I'm not working I can be creative, self-directed, on my own body clock, and without pressure over minutiae.

If you don't want to work and DP can support then do it. As someone with a BA and MA and been rejected from every job I've applied for please leave. Some of us want to work... if you don't want to then open the position.

teapot13 my mother has said something similar. The ones who stayed out of work too long and are between kids having left the house and grandchildren are kind of losing it. Especially when their husbands are still working - that's the worst situation.

I really don't see this discussion as anti-SAHP or a feminist issue or anything. I think for both the family's and in the individual spouse's financial security, the safest long-term option is for both parents to earn and make arrangement to support the children and meet family obligations within that. Work from home, start an Etsy shop, go to an office, whatever. Just find a way to bring an income in, so that if the breadwinner gets ills/runs off with another woman/company goes bust, you can support yourself and your children.

Isn't it actually fairly normal to start enjoying a good holiday so much that you don't want to go back to work at the end of it? It doesn't normally take long to get used to the change of pace and focus again once you've gone back if you enjoy your work, as you say you do, LadyOfPleisure.

It doesn't sound like a huge amount needs to change for you to make the work/life/time with kids balance better (ie the situation doesn't sound so bad you should resign because of your current feelings!!). Maybe making your dh realise his life also needs to change more to accommodate your smooth return to work would help. Obviously the biggest issue every year will be the summer holidays, as you seem to be suffering from a sense of missing out by being away from the kids when they are not in school. That's why some people get badly paid non-teaching school jobs - then they can enjoy a working environment and work colleagues in term time and still have school holidays with their children. If this career of yours is enjoyable and hard won, though, as you say it is, I think you need to go back to that and see how quickly your current feelings dissipate, as you are contemplating giving up on an awful lot very quickly, and all on the basis of how you feel after a break, rather than how you felt while actually working. Basically, you need to give work more of a chance - it was always going to be difficult after years of establishing a pattern for family life that did not involve you going out to work, to change the ebb and flow of your whole family's life. I think maybe you over simplified it in your mind and imagined being superwoman, doing all you had done before plus the new job without anyone else's life in the family really changing.

. It's all about compromise I would hate to be at home 24/7 personally.
I think you're confusing not working with house arrest there - I don't think anyone's suggesting its good to never go out

How long have you been doing the job for, LadyOfPleisure? Do you need the extra qualifications on top of it, or do you prefer studying formthe qualifications to doing the job, anyway? Sorry if you've already answered these questions - it's a long thread!

Teapot unfortunately in my highly unscientific sample, this is also true. I don't know if it is because the couple of people I know that don't work always found it harder in the workplace/had slightly less stable outlooks anyway, but being at home with teens ignoring them has not done their mental health any good at all, and no amount of gym going has filled that gap. I know plenty of people who are happy working part-time though especially if they work in relatively high paid/status careers and have dropped the hours back later on.

Diana your story interests me, sorry you had your diagnosis, I also work to take my mind off other things, I find it a great escape and a way of connecting and feeling useful in the world when the world seems to be playing a giant trick on you, I don't think staying home would suit me anyway, I have been offered time off but prefer to stay busy although there are limits to this and surely you can't just plough on exactly the same with the same energy if you are ill/life is calling on you in other ways, good employers can help you stay in the workplace whereas otherwise you would just go off sick or with stress.