I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

I do not and have never had a career.
I've only ever had jobs.
Perhaps I would feel differently if I had a vocation

Surely these arguments about stay home/go out to work aren't that relevant here, given the OP clearly loves her job and has invested a lot into going back, it is just that she's overwhelmed on the home front and that's what needs sorting out. She's had her time out of the workplace and has clawed her way back in, successfully by all accounts, it's that which is worth preserving, but it does require the family dynamic to change as the 'supporter' who runs round after everyone enabling them becomes the one who needs a bit of support themselves. I don't think this is a bad shift at all and very important older children learn to care for and support (in terms of being a bit more independent, helping in the house, caring for others) other people in their families.

Thenightmancometh- I think you're over analysing it. I don't think most women think in terms of exactly matching their husband's salary and getting all competitive about it!

I think perhaps you've mixed your posters up then, because nor do I. The point you're arguing against here is the same one I'm asking for more receipts on, from the poster who made it.

summer indeed.

That's why I've offered some (hopefully) positive encouragement and suggestions. I don't know why some posters are desperate to tear it down and endlessly posit their own SAHM situation.

Yes, the OP was a SAHM I think, so obviously did think this was a valid and valuable choice for a good long while!

mrsmartell08 - If one partner just has a 'job' which is low status, low paid and not interesting, and their partner has a fulfilling career, it's pretty obvious that the partner with the 'job' is most likely to jack it in.

But my point is that this is an increasingly rare scenario because girls are now educated to the same level as boys, and have access to the same careers.

Gone are the days when it wasn't thought worth investing in a girl's education- it might be worth her doing a secretarial course after school but with the expectation she would just need a 'little job' to tide her over until marriage.

And yet many young women make different decisions to young men about work, even before marriage/cohabiting and having DC.

I think women are consciously and sub consciously making decisions balancing what can be sorted out later (job? career? mortgage?) against what cannot be sorted out later (window of fertility).

A response to that might be that women don't prioritise their career as often as men do but more traditionally female vocations (caring) are not paid as well as traditionally male vocations (van driver). And whilst there's nothing to stop a carer being a driver, we still live in a world where traditionally male vocations are better remunerated.

So women are making a different decision than the one men make. Women have to decide whether or not it's worth (maybe) forgoing motherhood for minimum wage whereas for men, it's just a completely different and easier decision.

mrsmartell08

When one is independently wealthy, I think it is fine to drink coffee and go to the gym but when you are reliant on a partner working hard, I think that's a bit unbalanced.

Many women earn as much or more pre DC as men: there are many work options available to us other than minimum wage ones!

If you do as I did - both work full time, back to work very uqickly after the baby, both do as much as the other with the baby and toddler, neither bette rthan the other at it, fair sharing of who gets to collect from nursery at 6 each day no matter who difficult that makes work then it's fine. If you start out with massive sexism, part time work, women doing all baby stuff then men get lulled into a false sense of how easy it all is and it gets very hard to jolt it all back to fairness and equality when both are back working full time.

fair sharing of who gets to collect from nursery at 6 each day no matter who difficult that makes work then it's fine.

Things are not that easy.

Many jobs won't tolerate this. The employees who insist on that flexibility are the ones overlooked for promotion.
My OH works ( and always has done ) in a very male environment. He has worked for a few small successful companies over the years and enjoyed good career progression.

Part of his success is the fact that he has been able to give 110% effort to his job.

Something crops up- can he stay an extra three hours- no problem.
Days off cancelled with no notice- he could oblige.
Need you to fly out to Dublin tonight with no notice for three days- OK.

If he had regularly to leave work at 5.30 to pick up kids from nursery it would severely impact on his prospects.

He works in a technical team of 8 people at work- all men. None of the men who have kids have wives that work full time.

It sucks, but it is a fact of life.

You have described the status quo, which is very unfair on mothers.

And bad for business too: employers like that are restricting their talent pool to people (mainly men) willing and able to work those hours and travel.

It's not "commitment" it's a long hours working culture and presenteeism.

But if it sucks, Cailleach, then do something about it!

And I know it's easy to say that, but many couples make life choices to avoid situations like that... so it might be both moving into more family friendly professions (even if it means taking a pay cut) or they both decide to keep working but employ a nanny, or use a cm who can be more flexible and won't close on the dot of 6pm.
I'm not suggesting for a moment it's easy... in our own situation I worked for several years for no immediate financial benefit (2 children in nursery wiped out the equivalent of a whole salary.) That was the downside to our choice, but was outweighed in our eyes by the chance to both of us retain our position in Our careers and keep our occupational pensions. I would much rather that than having a dh having to drop everything and fly off being away from the kids for days at a time.

Being parents isn't easy however you look at it.

But im slightly confused now because your earlier posts suggested you and your dh are both happy with your set up. If you're now saying it sucks, then do whatever it takes to change it.

Luckysky - your situation sounds identical to mine. It was very important to me and a condition of having children that DH and I share everything equally - childcare, domestic work and career commitments. So far it is working out extremely well - DH has been promoted twice and I have received two payrises and a hefty bonus despite taking 12 months mat leave, both of us juggling nursery drop offs and pick ups and equally sharing time off for when DC is ill.

We are very fortunate in that both our workplaces are progressive in terms of flexible working and family friendliness and they actively discourage presenteeism. I find it very encouraging that more and more firms in our respective fields seem to be realising that they need to be flexible in order to attract and retain talent.

And just to add - DH often has to travel for work but makes sure that if he has a few days away (leaving me to do all domestic and childcare duties) then he will take over and do all the cooking/nursery runs etc for a few days when he gets back so that I can have any time I need to catch up with work. It works really well for us.

I dont drink coffee or go to the gym so no idea why that cimmebt was aimed at me?

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Not all employers are so family friendly sadly.
When I had ds2 dh had 3 days off work

Many posters on mn seem to think that because they work in the city for family friendly companies that that's what everyone does.
Nope.
Most people work for small companies with shitty HR.
Its really tedious having to explain that not everyone has the options that others do.

op, do what your gut tells you to do, if you can afford it.

2 more days than my dh had MrsMartell.

But this isn't about competitive hardship- im just making the point that legislation is far better now than at any point in history as far as parental rights are concerned. If an old gimmer like me (over 50!) has been able to retain a career, despite giving birth in the days when maternity leave was 12 weeks and paternity leave didn't even exist, and before any childcare subsidies in the form of free hours, then it must be possible for younger couples to forge a way which provides a balance.

There will Always be some couples where one has a career and one just a 'job' which they're happy to give up. There will always be couples who decide that they aren't prepared to work for no immediate financial gain due to childcare costs and one will give up work. But the point is, these are choices- there are other ways of doing things and it shouldn't be any surprise nowadays if more couples are striving for balance

mrsmartell - I completely agree that not all companies are family friendly which is why I said in my post that DH and I are very fortunate. I just wanted to give an example of a situation where both parties are able to split everything equally without it having an impact career-wise, and the fact that (in my experience and that of my friends/colleagues) this seems to be more and more common and "the norm" which I find encouraging.

Certainly very few men work as my DH does in his firm.

Most stick to their old patterns and no doubt convince their wives that they can't possibly take on any domestic responsibilities/ run their diaries more efficiently.

But the younger employeees see it can be done. The women see ( it's no coincidence that DH's department has a brilliant retention rate for women). People can at least try.