I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

cocklodger
No I haven't come across that ever but I accept that it happens! In that case, I would still argue in favour of both working as the expensive full time childcare is relatively short-term.

While life can be short, for most of us it is not and we have to make sensible decisions based not on what will make us happy today but what will give us satisfaction, security and a shot at happiness over the longer term.

TheNighmanCometh
I stand by that remark.

I genuinely hinkbthere are women who have degrees and qualifications who prefer to opt out of the job market rather than accept that after 5 years on a career break, they are not as highly paid as their husbands with no break.

OP your DH's unpredictability seems a huge issue here.

Have you spoken to him about why his work and travel plans are like that?

I ask because DH and I both travel with work but we have plenty of advance warning and we've always scheduled trips around the DC and each other. This has got progressively easier the more senior we get.

In fact I can't remember one last minute dash to the airport since the 90s.

Also, is there any mileage in either of you working some of the time at home. We both do that and it really helps. Far more productive when you remove commuting/meetings/colleagues from the picture.

Another thing: enlist domestic help where you can. No one cares who cleans the loo or irons a shirt providing it gets done. Also depending on the age of your DC, get them on board. Mine have always mucked in ( this isn't to help me BTW but because I don't want them to become little emperors).

middleoftheroad no one is saying though that a DH shouldn't do his share when you both work. The fact yours is an arse has nothing to do with whether you work by the sound of it!

cocklodger I notice you aren't pointing out the third scenario which is where the DH says "well I don't particularly want to work either, so best you find a £600 job love". I can just imagine the backlash on here if a man said that.

puffpaw I don't think anyone has said it isn't work. But if (general) you want it to be your sole job, then treat it as such. Don't expect to do half of it while your DH does one and a half jobs. And let's face it, in most cases, it's hardly unpaid. The majority of SAHM (absent financial abuse) spend the "family money" as they see fit, and again there would be outcry on here if a man dared to say his wife couldn't buy what she wanted.

Really ? UsedToBeAPaxmanFan you are not subsidising me

You've pretty much answered your own questions Cailleach666... as it tends to be the woman who steps back and either jacks in her career, or works part time, there are inevitably a higher proportion of men in the more senior positions in the workplace. You are bemoaning the state of the workplace while saying that you are perfectly happy to give up a lucrative career to stay at home, look after the kids and do the domestic work. (I'm not devaluing those things btw just being factual.) You say you won't ever work full time again (but presumably your dh will continue to do so)

As others have said, choices aren't made in a vacuum - there is a broader social context. Perhaps naively, I assumed that the legislation that's been in place for the last 18 months or so, enabling shared parental leave, would have had a greater impact in promoting equality at home and in the workplace. I assumed many women would transfer the last 3 or 6 months of their ML to the baby's dad. Not so- the take up has been depressingly small, though it's not clear whether this has been due to women not being willing to share the leave, men not being willing to take up the offer, or a mixture of both.

Ultimately people will always find reasons to justify their choices .... hence the comment about some women constructing a life which revolves around lunching or the gym, or will claim that looking after the house and ferrying the kids to after school activities, or continuing to bf the toddler, renders them unable to work. Which is clearly nonsense because million of working parents bf, have kids who do after school stuff, and go to the gym! But it's human nature to justify your choices.

Ive said all the way along, in one sense it's up to each individual family to do what they want. If one partner is happy to completely support the other financially then that's their choice. But dont assume you're making these choices In a social vacuum. By Your own admission you made your choices from a perspective of not liking the values and attitudes in your patriarchal
Workplace caileach666.

To return to the OP, having read your update again, your boss sounds lovely, making pizza for everyone! And you clearly enjoy being in work when you're actually there: it's the outside stuff that's getting in the way. As others have put very eloquently, now is the time to make some changes to facilitate your work as well as your dhs. Jacking it in might seem like the easy short term solution but you've worked hard to get where you are and you are as entitled as your dh to reap the rewards of your hard work

wombling
Of course I didn't point out that (very valid) scenario - simply because I was responding to the comments regarding childcare being a shared expense. It doesn't matter if it's shared or not, if you're working for your family to be worse off due to childcare, is there much point? In the eyes of some, yes. In the eyes of others, no.

I think there are some sectors where flexible working and the idea that both parents can step up is extremely difficult. Doctors, for instance. Even GP these days is not family friendly (and if GPs try to work shorter hours they are slated on here for people wanting late / early appointments). I am a HCP and there are lots of jobs which both of us just could not do as we have no childcare except each other. My DH is in a fairly inflexible job although he can sometimes pick up the children. This has an impact on service and cannot be done too frequently.

The idea that he could just tell patients and his superiors that he would be taking time off and therefore not able to do a procedure etc is laughable. Sometimes yes but not on a regular basis. Most people I know in the same position, unless they have family around them to do childcare, have one parent (not by any means always the woman) who has stepped back and reduced their career. It's just life.

I have really scaled back work. I would love to find something more flexible than than I am in now but getting advice is hard as on here all you hear is that he should do more as if he works in an office that he can just walk out of.

I genuinely hinkbthere are women who have degrees and qualifications who prefer to opt out of the job market rather than accept that after 5 years on a career break, they are not as highly paid as their husbands with no break.

You think it's specifically about matching the earnings of their husbands then, rather than a general idea about how much the extra time is worth to them and their family? That's a new one on me.

I mean, I can see that if the husband's wage has increased a lot in that time, 20k or whatever starts to look like less than it did 5 years ago. I can also see that when they factor in the necessary childcare plus everything else the SAHP tends to do, they might not be left with enough to make the extra work for the parents/cost of outsourcing this seem worthwhile.

I've never heard it couched in terms of not wanting to earn less than husbands as a point of feminist pride, though. Is there material you read to come to this conclusion?

babbity You are bemoaning the state of the workplace while saying that you are perfectly happy to give up a lucrative career to stay at home, look after the kids and do the domestic work.

Yes, but I am not going to make an individual sacrifice of the happiness of me and my family on a one woman crusade against the partriarchy.

Paxman...
Our household pays HR tax
I save the sainted "worker" ££££ providing free care for my mother
You don't fucking subsidise me

Mrsmartell, yes! The amount of money saved by people caring for their relatives / friends is just huge, and it is often such tiring unpaid 'work' too .

quite, cailleach. You've made it clear you and your dh are happy with your set up of him going to work and you being at home.
The OP is in a different situation, enjoying her work, and it's clear that a few adjustments to her life outside the workplace could enable her and her dh to have the balance they want.

FheNighmanCometh
That's funny. Great put down!

No, I am capable of coming to my own conclusions.

I just think going to the gym when it is quiet and having coffee with friends would not be adequate as a replacement for most people if they were earning mega bucks / as much / more than their partner.

I do not hear of men opting out of the career market to play gold when it's quiet.

No one values unpaid work.
Not in our society anyway.
People are quite happy to pay ££££ for childcare/cleaners/gardeners etc
Yet if one half of a couple is a sahp and does these jobs then they are lazy/being subsidised (!?)/stupid...
I have 2 voluntary roles as well as looking after my mother and working (very) pt.
I'm quite busy, thanks.
People see what they want to see
And the attitude upthread of "I the sainted taxpayer fund your lifestyle" is all too prevalent ime.
If I worked more hours I guess we could afford to go abroad/go out more/have more "things" but we choose to make our family life easier and less stressful
It's common sense to us.

Op...bottom line is...what do you want?
I think 45 is a typical age to need to re evaluate your priorities. I know I did after dad died (I was 40)
Nothing wrong with wanting "more" than the say grind esp agree years of providing childcare
My kids have big age gap so I'm in secondary/primary limbo atm!!
It's not wrong to want to step back
It's not wrong to realise that perhaps your path hasn't been the to right one
Good luck x.

I'm really scratching my head at claims that people are denigrating the unpaid work of SAHPs.

OP does not want to quit work to do domestic chores. She has teenagers who are in school all day. She wants to go to the gym during the day and then be able to drive them to sports in the afternoon and evening. She is not planning to work part-time or start a home-based business.

So if your situation doesn't look like that above then I'm not sure why you are making defensive responses when people advise OP in her particular situation to perhaps reconsider her plans.

daily grind
after years
Soeyy for typos!

Spelt sorry wrong too

It wasn't meant to be a put down! I actually did want to hear more about how you came to this conclusion. Apparently I suffer from resting bitch fingers as well as face.

So I can see that when you're used to more money, the salary you might earn seems more piffling, especially if it means incurring more expenses, more work to be shared between the parents, or both. What I don't get is how we can say this is directly competitiveness with husbands.

MesMartell08
Big difference between being a cater for older or young family members and not wanting a job so you can go to the gym, be fit and run teens to after school activities.

Thenightmancometh- I think you're over analysing it. I don't think most women think in terms of exactly matching their husband's salary and getting all competitive about it!

It's more about both partners wanting a good balance of work, home time, down time.

I imagine I'm typical of many- I met my dh at university, we started out with similar aspirations from life and similar earning potential. At various points in life I've earned more; at other times he's earned more. But ultimately we both want a balanced life style. I'm just over 50 years old, so if I and many of my friends feel like this, I assume an even greater proportion of younger couples do, reflecting the societal changes that have taken place over the last few decades (girls outperforming boys at pretty much all levels of education, girls being encouraged into STEM subjects etc) Whereas in times gone by, women were denied access to the workplace - certain professions were actually barred to women once they married and/or had children. There used to be more of a culture of stereotyped roles: man = breadwinner, woman= carer/housewife. To a certain degree, men were even seen as 'soft' if they were too hands-on in the home and with the children; there was a definite divide between what was viewed as male and female responsibilities.

Times have changed, legislation has changed (thank heavens) and it really is as simple as men and women not wanting to be pigeonholed.

At the end of the day, I'm just as capable of going out to work as my dh is; he's just as capable of changing a nappy or cooking the dinner as i am. That's the reality - not some weird theoretical competition to precisely match each other's earnings

LaS....why??
Why is one more valid than the other?
There in a nutshell you have the issue imo
It's "acceptable" to be a sahp if you are doing caring that is seen as "worthy" (that is, looking after others) but god forbid you just want to have a happier more meaningful life for yourself!!!!
😡

babbity agreed.

Short of becoming an international drug baron I will probably never out earn my DH.

But that doesn't mean the answer ( for us) is for him to duck out of all domestic and familial responsibilities except earning money. And for me to take on all those.

We have enjoyed the balance. And now the DC are just about to leave home ( sob, sob), DH is even more glad he's spent so much time with them and taken care of them. And I'm glad I've got a career I love and am good at.