I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

Firstly OP- you're in a very lucky position - if you don't want to work - don't. Though you might enjoy it if your DH shared the brunt.

Secondly - maudeismyfavouritepony your quote "Fuck knows. I'm in gone same position but the husband not taking responsibility is wearing thin. If you were divorce, he'd have to step up."

Your 'step up' statement is incorrect. They don't have to step up, and frequently do not. I'm on my own with 2 kids. Working 50+hrs per week, managing a house and 2 kids. Ex does and pays fuck all. He's seen them 3 times for a few hours, in nearly 3 months. I do not claim 1 penny - not even child benefit. The only way you force them to step up, is by abandoning your children. Which frankly is not an option

I had 10 weeks and 11 weeks respectively of maternity leave. I feel very hard done by, by those moaning about work and lack of husband support frankly.

"He also likes that the pressure is off him a little if I have a salary independent of him. "

So the flip side of that is that you need domestic pressure taken off you!

I think one of the issues here is not that women are happy to take a back seat and become a bit player in their own lives, it is that some sort of skewed feminism has led them to believe that actually they should not work unless they are earning mega bucks via a serious career. I guarantee the OP would go back to work and negotiate the teen sports, the house cleaning, the elder care if she had a salary comparable or greater than her husband's.

The women who like going for coffee when it is quiet, going to the gym 4 times a week, having an immaculate house have in the most part chosen this option because after taking a career break for babies they cannot get back on the career ladder at a point they consider acceptable. So they invent this alternate reality of domestic and gun excellence.

But I see very little honesty around this just bickering about "I like my lifestyle, thank you" whereas they would also like their lifestyle if they could earn a fabulous salary.

It all feels very much like a giant opt out and as PPs have said, what about retirement funds, what about when the children leave home, what about becoming the lead part, rather than the supporting role?

One answer is for us to collectively readjust the way we consider family income. How many times have we all read "once I had paid childcare and travel, it wasn't worth my working...". But it is not just the lowest paid worker in the couple who "pays" for childcare. Why do so few people add the two salaries together to arrive at a household income and deduct childcare from that, allowing women to retain their foothold on the career ladder?

I feel the lack of transparency which channels a conversation about gender pay gap, career reward, maternity leave, father stepping up to the plate has been hijacked by people who make a life's work out of running kids to sports events and making sure the tea is in the table and claiming in the process that they are more fulfilled doing that because the gym is quiet when they go.

So they invent this alternate reality of domestic and gun excellence.

Is that any less "real" than the created reality of life in the workplace.

Who are you to judge which is valid and authentic?

The workplace is a patriarchal place, based on some deeply flawed and unsustainable values.
The race to the top, the promotions, the way that women are handicapped by their sex, the idea that economic growth is king.

When I was employed I worked in a very male dominated environment, very often the only female in a department. and it did not feel very real or authentic in terms of " society" .

LaSourciere I don't see that as any more authentic than your picture of a "created reality" of a SAHM.

I think the truth is that working full time is not very compatible with parenting- the system is screwed.

All the domestic stuff and parenting still needs to be done. So we either pay other people to do it, end up a frazzled mess, or one parent chucks in works and stays home to run the home and care for kids.

The latter being my choice. And if that means I have time to garden, run my kids to lots of activities and visit the gym, that's great.

But that does not make my reality any less valid than someone doing a two hour commute and a 40 hour working week.

But Cailleach666 you said upthread you did work and earned more than your husband? So you are not in the long term position many women find themselves in who have facilitated their husband through the hard, hands on, kiddy stage and now can't justify working because they can't earn as much as him.

The point is, 'choices' are not made in a vacuum - indeed they are often not made but happen. So the period with young children is tough, someone steps back to make it easier - and that someone is always the woman and there are always reasons - his greater earning potential - his more valuable job - he finds work more fulfilling.

Then it is a male dominated work place at the top, with men able to opt out of the household responsibilities because of a woman's 'choice' to do the domestic grunt work, then it is not worth the woman returning to work or women go back at a much lower level and still have to carry the domestic load at home (because guess what, they don't earn as much). And so the patriarchy carries on its merry way.

That was meant to be domestic and gym excellence. Don't know where guns fit in here.

TheLuminaries - but I was in that situation.

I jacked in my career to care for kids, knowing that probably would never be able to resume it.
I had no thought of future employment and for many years was totally dependent on my OH.

But it felt the right thing to do, it was a leap of faith. I had no long term idea of the outcome, but had seen enough of life to know that what we plan and what happens are often poles apart.
As my kids grew I found it quite easy to start making a bit of money from home- using none of my previous skills. At first just a bit of "pin" money, then as the children needed me less I explored different options, all profitable, until I hit on a niche that found my income increasing dramatically.

I thank my lucky stars that I jacked in my career. I won't ever work full time again.

Cailleach666 - would you still think that if you hadn't found a way to make a lot of money without returning to full time work and you were 100% reliant on your husband's lower salary? As previous posters have mentioned, your situation is very different to that of most women who "jack in" their careers and I am wondering what the long term picture would look like for you if you hadn't been fortunate enough to be in a position to increase your income from home. Would you still be living the life you are living now?

Re childcare costs I see where they come from.
Doesn't matter which way you look at it- if for eg working you earn £300pw post tax,
And for arguments sake we will say the husband in the scenario earns £600pw post tax, bringing their total weekly income to £900pw post tax.

We'll say that her travel equals £50 per week, and ignore other expenses like work uniform as that isn't a weekly thing, childcare equals £325 per week (I know someone who's paying this, I haven't paid childcare in the uk so I don't know if it's average)
So total weekly "profit" income with both people working = £575pw.
Total weekly "profit" income with one worker = £600pw.
Now to some the £25 loss doesn't matter as they feel it's more valuable to be in work, but I wouldn't want to work at a loss to the family income. fuck that.
I don't know why it makes a difference if you calculate it as a loss to one persons income or joint income, a loss is a loss.

ZigAZigAhh I don't see the point in dealing with "what ifs".

What if you had never had kids or became chronically sick or won the lottery?

What if I had never been the subject of domestic abuse or been homeless or been widowed at 24?

Sometimes good planning doesn't work.

Well said cailleach666 !

Work in the home, childcare, housekeeping, laundry etc is still work, even if it is unpaid.

Exactly puffpaw.

All this work is important and hugely undervalued.

And when we denigrate the importance of caring and supporting as drudgery or oink work we undervalue the efforts of others.
In paid professions too- so cleaners, carers, childcare, nurses are all seen as doing second rate work.
Because we don't value that work ourselves.

If housework, cleaning and childcare were to stop we would be in a hell of a society.

Yet society places more importance on the work of engineers who are designing the next generation of iphone than those of us who work unpaid to clean up and comfort our children.

But Cailleach your situation is so rare as to be an outlier. The vast majority of women who jack in work will not be able to out earn their husbands in the future and that is a fact.

I read today a male actor defending the BBC gender pay gap because men often have to support a wife and children. Do you not see the circular argument? Men need to earn more than women to support their family, so it is always women who give up work because they can't earn as much, so men need to earn more to support them. That is not choice, that is restricting women's opportunities and dressing it up as choice.

It's been a real bone of contention that I work (albeit it 26-30 hrs pwk) and have done every school run and lion's share of the house/family /schoolpaperwork/finances, shopping, meals etc. DC now 11

I have found it really stressful. I am resenful.I don't keep on top of the house

They will both be attending different senior schools Sept and all school stuff 'falls on me'.

I frequently raise my frustrations- we earn similiar salaries yet as my hours are 'child friendly' I adapt. Of course I dont have to put up with this, when we had a break once, he suddenly stepped up.

I frequently have to leave work in a mad rush and bring stuff home while DH stays late. It pisses me off but I am allowing it. He is doing it.

I like working. Need the money. But I do fantasise about leaving, but only to make the home stuff eadier for us all. And I think that sucks!

Dealing with likely "what if's", such as divorce, is sensible risk management.

Middleoftheroad, am sorry your H has let you down so badly over so many years.

That is not choice, that is restricting women's opportunities and dressing it up as choice.

But we live in a fucked system. And it's not up to me alone to fix it.

cocklodger
Now to some the £25 loss doesn't matter as they feel it's more valuable to be in work, but I wouldn't want to work at a loss to the family income. fuck that.

Going off to do some sims but that is not a scenario I recognize at all.

You don't recognise a scenario where childcare empties one income and takes a chunk (big or small) out of the 2nd income? It seems reasonably common IMO. It's not a situation I've ever faced myself though.

Ah thanks Loopy. It has made me bitter, especially when I see friends' DHs pulling their weight. I moan about it, but there is an expectation that I will do it, because I always have done. Grrr....

THe narrative I have heard is more along the lines of:

Once I have paid [100% of the] childcare, plus travel, plus work suits, and lunches, I would have no take home pay at all

Ignoring the fact that DH has travel and work suits to pay for too.

(I know this might be a very Londony privileged scenario, just trying to reflect what I have heard in my own circle.)

I think one of the issues here is not that women are happy to take a back seat and become a bit player in their own lives, it is that some sort of skewed feminism has led them to believe that actually they should not work unless they are earning mega bucks via a serious career.

??

Life is short. Do what makes you happy. End of.

PumpkinSpicw except that the rest if us are having to subsidise that choice