I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

"Grass is greener" syndrome? I dont want tonwork either but I have no choice :(

We are as "set up" as we can be I think.
After my fathers early death 4 years ago we sat down and went through our financial plans.
This led to a couple of changes to bank accounts etc
Also to increases in the sum insured.
Dh has a very generous death in service plan
I'm insured til ds2 is 18 then I will reassess

As for my earning potential....im educated to a level. Poor working class kids didn't go to uni in my day
Dh did his degree through work

As for differences in earning....its the patriarchy innit?

No idea about "not wanting to work"
If you are financially able..why not?
I have no idea what the future may bring obv but I know that now I am doing what is right for MY family.
My dad died before retirement.
Life is short.
This thread isnt too bad....i haven't been called a prostitute yet 😁

Mrs martell08 sounds like you've done all the right things as far as possible then, and it's certainly the advice I'd give my daughters if they ever give up their careers to secure themselves as far as they're able financially

As for the fact that sadly some people die before enjoying retirement... surely that's an argument for spreading the earning and home responsibilities rather than one person taking the hit? In fact as men on average die younger than women, it seems a tad unfair to expect them to work more!!

My mum retired through ill health at 60.
Dad was still working ft at 67.
He died suddenly....he intended to keep working because he wanted to
But I do see your point...my sister is in a very unenviable position :(

I'm the same age you OP with a DH in a similarly demanding position. The nature of his job is such that it's often impossible for him to leave early and if something goes wrong, nobody goes to bed until it's fixed.

I work for myself, part time but do all the kids and house stuff. I also volunteer 8 hours a week for a local charity. I'm quite happy with how we structure our family and don't feel that I have to get a full time job to make me "worthy".

This thread has been very interesting to me indeed. I am a SAHM and prior to that I was self employed and plan to return properly when the kids are older (10+ years probably!). All our savings (mainly from an inheritance DH had) are in my name at DH's suggestion, joint mortgage, both have life insurance, wills etc, DH genuinely loves his job and v supportive of me both SAHMing and pursuing career as and when I want to, and using nursery etc. Works for us.

When it comes down to it I still can't understand why people care what other families do. Surely just do whatever works for you, and hope everyone else is doing what works for them??

Basecamp21 what job do you do? Just because you don't enjoy your job doesn't mean nobody else does. You find your job boring - it's natural staying at home seems a better option if you hate your job. But many people do have jobs that they actually enjoy,in which case not working would be a loss.

BendydickCuminsnatch (great name btw!) that's pretty much what we've all been saying!

But the OP posted presumably asking for people's thoughts which people are giving. Ultimately it has no relevance to us whether she works or not- but it does to her dh which is why people have pointed out it needs to be agreed with him as something that's fair and balanced all round

I think that as DS is 15 you don't have too long really until he can drive himself around, and drive other DC and drop off.

I'm not sure SAHM is always that great as you find most women work now so you have to amuse yourself.

I would stick the way you are but pay for more household help (laundry etc). And ensure you have a decent break on your own doing something you enjoy at the weekend.

At your age do what makes you happy. Don't regret not living your life when you get older.

Whilst it does affect others , it will affect the views of the children who will see the old fashioned view of men work and women don't as they need to be in the house.

It affects tax payers as the OP won't be paying anything in as she fancies not working yet will still rely on the NHS etc.

The husband may not be happy. With children that age and less than full time hours she's hardly over worked . If laugh if my DH decided he didn't fancy working but expected me to too fund that choice. Ifd not want somebody who did little and expected others to fund it.

MrsMartelle

Why does it matter if the house, savings are in your name? If DH leaves you you still need to half the marital assets surely?

Fair enough Babbity, although the thread seems to have veered far away from what the OP was originally asking I clearly got swept up in the debate haha.

why is it always the men seemingly earning so much more. it's an issue we really need to address in this country.
Nearly every post is "but he earns so much more"..... why is that?

Wow. I have been out the whole day, and I am amazed at how this thread has had a life of its own in my absence. SO many perspectives, so much food for thought. THANK YOU ALL. I cant respond to each individual point, but would like to clear a few things up.

I never said sahms were lazy gobshites, I said "The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity". In simpler terms, the lazy side of me just wants to be selfish.

DH wants me to work, because he thinks it is good for me. He also likes that the pressure is off him a little if I have a salary independent of him. I dont know what he would say if I gave up so quickly. I think he would be a little disappointed in me, to be honest. Not least because I have wanted this so badly. I think he might respect me a little less.

I have been working the pattern I mentioned since April, and I have found it hard to adjust. Due to the type of work, when I go back in August, I will do two and a half weeks of 7.30 till 16.30, before going back to aforementioned pattern. My kids will still be on holiday. I think that is what is getting to me. Dh will work from home this entire period and not do any travelling.

Most of the time I never know from one week till the next when he will be home. Sometimes he is home for a full week, and then gone for just three days, but sometimes he will have long periods of only being home from Friday till Tuesday, or Thursday till Monday. The unpredictability is getting to me, as I cannot make a proper routine which includes him.

If I put something in the online family planner that he needs to go to, he will attend. If he knows in advance he is taking a child to training, he will do it.

Work is 30 minutes away by car, not on any easy bus route (1 hour with a change in town). We only have one car. We live outside town.

You are right though, the hours tally up to a lot more than just 60%, the upside of that is that my salary will be higher, as my figure is pro rata.

The kids do only one sport each, so they cant cut down. That would mean nothing. But, training is twice a week for the younger and three times per week for the older. The location is dependent on where the club has been able to secure facilities, so each team in the club is spread around various times and locations.

In an ideal world, dh would have regular and predictable hours, and not travel.

Work wants me to do MORE hours, and they have told me they will need me to substitute for other staff when they are ill, as a "floating substitute" in the hours I am not already contracted to work. So reality could easily be completely full time.

I am studying to get formal qualifications in my field of work, and although I have bagged the job already, would not like to give up on the studies, when they know I am in the process of qualifying.

The Airb and b could go. I did that before I got the job, so that is definitely something that could go.

I also have elderly parents which are taking up some time, and adding to my stress. Again because it is unpredictable, and I dont like having to every day ponder how to arrange my schedule so that everything gets done.

I think I need to learn better time management.
I love being at work when I am at work. My colleagues are great.
My boss will make home made pizza in the staff kitchen for lunch for all the members of staff, when there is a birthday.

I feel privileged that she has taken a chance on me, when I have been out of full time work so long. Part of me is perhaps worried I will screw this up...

Holly...my point being i will cope...perhaps id need more hours at work and would need to make and stick to a stricter budget.
I'm used to going it alone when dh is away
I'm not concerned
If dh left we would sell the house (quite a bit of equity) and split it.
I would keep the savings.
Dh would alter his death in service in favour of the dc (or at least partially)
I would alter my life insurance in favour of the dc.
Dh would need to provide for the dc til they are at least 16 (or is it 18?)
It's something I have thought about. I've future proofed myself as much as i can.

LadyofPleisure having seen your update you clearly enjoy your work and the social life that comes with it.

You mention the unpredictable nature of your dhs work as being quite a big stress factor; is there any way things can be organised to alleviate some of that stress?

Having elderly parents in the mix is an added pressure, but again, it's not your work per se which is the problem, but external factors

Sounds sensible to let the air bnb go... hopefully that will make things a bit easier

I think now's the time to rally everyone around to you working and getting you good support. I know, his pays more, his is more important, his involved traveling blah blah, but if you don't get the support you need now, it'll founder, you need a structure that helps you do this.

To that end, I'd definitely stop Air B and B, fun but not the priority, something has to give if you work practically full time, plus have elderly parents and children with a demanding schedule. Let the children pick up their schedules where possible, they sound lovely independent children and there's no reason why a 15 year old can't get themselves there and back most of the time. Get a cleaner, I have three hours a week and that's three entire hours I am not cleaning myself! If money is not a big issue, shop online/have deliveries.

Your work sounds like something worth investing in in terms of interest, positive social environment, study and so on, so with a few tweaks I think this could work out well for you.

It's tough. I am in a similar position and recently cut my hours back. I still feel like I don't want to go back to work after a holiday but overall I know I need something for myself otherwise my life would be dominated by my dh dc and house. I have a few friends in this position now and to be honest they seem less happy than me and I avoid because they are boring

Sorry wasn't finished. I avoid the friends who don't work, not sure that was clear.

I think the feminist in you has got totally lost. Easy to slip into the bad habit as a couple of thinking "dh has such an important job, earns so much and my role is to facilitate that", as I also have. Actually that's crazy, and as a pp said if he were a mum he would schedule his day to make sure he could be there for the dc when needed.

I have also found the emotional and practical needs of older dc much harder than younger, and that's not really acknowledged. My dh certainly doesn't realise because he's not present through the long slog of 3 to 7 pm.

It sounds like your problem is your dh not your job and I would focus on getting him to lift his game before you give up all your hard work of establishing a rewarding flexible career.

Sorry I hadn't read your update but it sounds like you've got your head round it a bit more.
Do you drive to work? How does your dh get to work? Can you buy another car?
Also do you have a cleaner?
Your work hours sound tough. Is there any flexibility to start later or cut back at all.
I still maintain your dh needs to step up. If he's always home on a Monday he needs to take responsibility for everything on a Monday including dinner, activities, etc. He sounds like mine, I have to put things in my dhs calender so he will turn up and to be honest I feel like that just adds to my load, I feel like his pa! He once told me he would let me know when was a good time during the evening for me to "brief him" on what needed doing for the dc the following morning when I was going in to work early. Let's just say he quickly realised his mistake!

I did not read the full thread, so I probably has already been said: can you rearrange your hours?
I was thinking something like 8am to 3pm. You currently work 33 hours. You would work 35, but IMO it would feel like less.

I could not be a SAHM. I have generalised anxiety and it makes me think of all the bad possibilities: separation later in life, possible financial abuse, not having that extra money should something happen, etc. Additionally, I would be bored out of my mind. Heck, I already get bored on Sundays!

How are you going to fund your retirement if you don't work and your future? I agree that things happen like illness, redundancy, family issues, divorce. I would not be solely reliant on someone else

Just read the whole thread and your latest update, OP. Sounds to me as though you have a great opportunity and you should seize it with both hands. Your DH needs to step up. It's his turn to facilitate your career for a change now. Organizing childcare and a car and so on shouldn't all fall to you. You should be sitting down together and working out how to make this work for both of you. If DH wants to continue in his current role then he needs to organize another adult to provide his practical contribution to family life in his absence - an au pair/babysitter/whatever that might be. The set up you have now is beneficial to him and detrimental to you. That's not fair.