to not rush divorce for sake of STBXH new marriage

[TeenageDirtBags]

I'm a single mum of two teenagers. I met my STBXH when I was very young and we were married a very long time. We have been living apart for 3 years and for most of that time I've dipped in and out of dating sites, never settling but I have not been lonely IYKWIM. I would like to find someone permanent. Split was agreed by bothof us.

STBXH met his new gf after we split and i'm sure he's planning on marrying once the divorce is through. They are not engaged yet but he's a tradionalist and he'll be waiting until it's right. My children have told me they're talking about it. Divorce is taking a long time but I'm in no rush.

AIBU to take a little longer than I need to with the paperwork?

Lweji - my advice was at the beginning Of the thread. Do it now and move on for your own sake as they will get married anyway if they are going to

My advise was at the beginning of the post. See I wouldn't delay it. Delaying it won't stop them getting married. Do it, draw a line under it and move on for your own sake.

I agree with people saying move on. Of course I do. Agree with not delaying it. Again of course I do

Sounds like you're being petty. If it was the other way round, how would you feel?

Janeismymiddlename it's not as simple as that I'm afraid. I am in no way condoning my DF's behaviour which broke my DM's heart and broke up our family. However, my DF is not a bad person. He met another woman who, more than 30 years later, he is still with. Sadly for my DM and us, my DM was not his soul mate. It's been very hard to come to terms with that but, as an adult, I've been able to recognise that and accept it for what it was.

Much of the damage was done whilst we were young and listened to our DM slag our DF off (and men in general) to anyone and everyone who would listen. She never did it directly to us but we weren't babies and we heard it and took it all in. She spent a great amount of time with my aunt who had also been divorced and there were lots of little jokes about how crap men were, how they couldn't be relied on etc. It was wrong and irresponsible of them but not done maliciously and I'm sure had no concept of how their rhetoric would affect us.

I'm sorry to hear about the hurt you've suffered and I do hope that you'll eventually be able to meet someone who be a far better partner than your Ex-DH. I wish with all my heart that my DM had met someone else as she was such a wonderful person and deserved to find love again.

Don't be ridiculous.
Do you dislike him so much that you piss on his parade to cheer yourself up? That is very sad. And a bad example to your children.

Just sort it out already. You would be delaying entirely out of spite, it's already been 3 years. Slowing the divorce won't stop him being with her and it won't make a partner for you magically appear. It just makes you look like a spiteful asshole who hasn't got over him.

Yes delaying may piss him off but it may also make him think you still love him. They could be sat there laughing about it. Oh poor teenage, still hasn't got over me after 3 years.

OP - don't drag your feet, you will gain nothing by doing so. Also, as your children are teenagers, they will become aware of it if you do so and draw their own conclusions as to your behaviour. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot, and you had met somebody else first, but your ex was dragging his feet over the divorce just because he could. You would be outraged, wouldn't you?

As to the whys and wherefores of you caring for your children for the majority of the time, it's not that big a deal. Generally speaking when couples split up, one of them has primary care of the children because it gives the children stability. If your STBXH had offered (and for all we know, he did) to have primary care of your children when you split, would you have said yes?

If you're honest with yourself, you probably only want to delay things because it makes you feel as though you have some sort of power over your ex. Swallow your pride, hold your head up high and be proud of the fact that, although your relationship with their dad has ended, you have two children who came from a time when your relationship with him was, I hope, happy and full of love. The upside of teenagers is that they start wanting to be off doing their own thing, so you will have more time to yourself.

OP - don't drag your feet, you will gain nothing by doing so. Also, as your children are teenagers, they will become aware of it if you do so and draw their own conclusions as to your behaviour. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot, and you had met somebody else first, but your ex was dragging his feet over the divorce just because he could. You would be outraged, wouldn't you?

As to the whys and wherefores of you caring for your children for the majority of the time, it's not that big a deal. Generally speaking when couples split up, one of them has primary care of the children because it gives the children stability. If your STBXH had offered (and for all we know, he did) to have primary care of your children when you split, would you have said yes?

If you're honest with yourself, you probably only want to delay things because it makes you feel as though you have some sort of power over your ex. Swallow your pride, hold your head up high and be proud of the fact that, although your relationship with their dad has ended, you have two children who came from a time when your relationship with him was, I hope, happy and full of love. The upside of teenagers is that they start wanting to be off doing their own thing, so you will have more time to yourself.

OP - don't drag your feet, you will gain nothing by doing so. Also, as your children are teenagers, they will become aware of it if you do so and draw their own conclusions as to your behaviour. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot, and you had met somebody else first, but your ex was dragging his feet over the divorce just because he could. You would be outraged, wouldn't you?

As to the whys and wherefores of you caring for your children for the majority of the time, it's not that big a deal. Generally speaking when couples split up, one of them has primary care of the children because it gives the children stability. If your STBXH had offered (and for all we know, he did) to have primary care of your children when you split, would you have said yes?

If you're honest with yourself, you probably only want to delay things because it makes you feel as though you have some sort of power over your ex. Swallow your pride, hold your head up high and be proud of the fact that, although your relationship with their dad has ended, you have two children who came from a time when your relationship with him was, I hope, happy and full of love. The upside of teenagers is that they start wanting to be off doing their own thing, so you will have more time to yourself.

OMG, sorry - my computer had some sort of nerd-rage after I dropped my headset onto my keyboard. I did not mean to post 3 times, I promise!

Yabvu

While I understand the temptation, it's just not worth the hassle. Get the divorce sorted and draw a line under it. You will, at some point, be able to put him to the back of your mind and I suspect actually being divorced will help you start that process.

Fine to be sad he's moved on and you haven't. I wish all sorts of bad things for my fucker of an ex who got married 2 years ago, including an unhappy marriage that ends in divorce (sorry to mrs fucker).

YABU to delay the divorce.

When you're divorced and free of him, you may feel free at last to use your EOW to meet someone new.

Closure and move on. It won't change a thing if you delay, it will hurt you more than them. You can start a new chapter in your life and never look back. Be strong not bitter.

I can't believe some people are making excuses for the OP's control freakery
Funnily enough I can believe there are people on here being nasty and name calling.
Her big mistake was to put this in AIBU where all the cunts and the big ole judgy pants hang out.
Is it so hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes and think maybe she just isn't quite ready to move on and try to be just a little bit understanding?
Yes, probably she should just get on and do it.
Life isn't always so cut and dried is it?

Is it so hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes and think maybe she just isn't quite ready to move on and try to be just a little bit understanding?

Well OP herself says basically she is doing it to stop him getting married, which is childish and vindictive.

If a poster came on here and said their exH was doing this there would be pages and pages of people calling him every name under the sun.

It is a silly game to play and could backfire quite dramatically. It could also end up in court.

i'm just a bit pissed he's moved on and I haven't.....I have our children 70% of the time but every other weekend he has them. So he's had more opportunity to meet others than me

I bet you were adamant that the dc's main residence was with you though?
You WANTED the dc living with you - and that naturally will have consequences on your personal life.

Easy solution - move the dc in with their father and then you can have all the time you want for pursuing other relationships.

I bet your teenagers act more mature than you are right now.

No wonder he's moved on and you're by yourself!

Morning OP. You're not a bad person for considering it. Many many years ago I spent many hours plotting colourful revenge for my XF (ex fiancé) and his GF. They had been sneaking around for a year before I found out. I planned prawns in the curtain poles, dandelion seeds in the lawn, selling stories to the gutterpress and telling all his family and friends what a prick he'd been and lots more. It was cathartic and actually good fun running through different scenarios and picturing his face. However in the end I didn't do any of it and he would actually have deserved it for being a cheating little shit. Doesn't sound like your stxh deserves it and his new girlfriend is innocent in this. I feel much better and healthier for not having taken the scissors to his clothes or the bleach to his car and nowadays I can barely picture his face. Don't deliberately delay the divorce as you do need to move on but perhaps you still need to emotionally process the changes that are occurring. BTW your own dating life will probably improve as 'divorced' really sounds so much more attractive than 'separated' to a potential long time partner. (No offence meant to the separateds out there. It is just you sometimes go back...).

SoNouveau
Funnily enough I can believe there are people on here being nasty and name calling.
Her big mistake was to put this in AIBU where all the cunts and the big ole judgy pants hang out.

That was a quick fall from the high-ground.