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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not rush divorce for sake of STBXH new marriage

145 replies

TeenageDirtBags · 23/07/2017 17:40

I'm a single mum of two teenagers. I met my STBXH when I was very young and we were married a very long time. We have been living apart for 3 years and for most of that time I've dipped in and out of dating sites, never settling but I have not been lonely IYKWIM. I would like to find someone permanent. Split was agreed by bothof us.

STBXH met his new gf after we split and i'm sure he's planning on marrying once the divorce is through. They are not engaged yet but he's a tradionalist and he'll be waiting until it's right. My children have told me they're talking about it. Divorce is taking a long time but I'm in no rush.

AIBU to take a little longer than I need to with the paperwork?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 23/07/2017 19:35

What the hell do you have to gain by staying married to him? Confused

SoNouveau · 23/07/2017 19:36

Poor you having to do 70% of the parenting for children you chose to have

Fucking hell that's nasty, the OP didn't chose to have those children all by herself.

Underthemoonlight · 23/07/2017 19:37

You sound like an arsehole op a jealsous one at that. Is the new woman younger and prettier?

Livelovebehappy · 23/07/2017 19:39

I delayed signing the divorce papers, but I feel I was justified as ex-h left me for OW and the subsequent fall out for me and DC was devastating. I owed either of them no favours, so dragged my feet to delay their marriage, and did get a little bit of satisfaction from doing so; rightly or wrongly. I think it depends on the circumstances, but it appears you are on OK terms and the separation was sort of mutual in your case, so in your position I would maybe just get it done with.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 23/07/2017 19:39

You sound like a spiteful bitch, just because he's found a new gf. Utterly pathetic.

If someone posted on here saying their STBEXH did this, there'd be an outcry bout how controlling/abusive he was. Don't be that idiot.

MarciaBlaine · 23/07/2017 19:40

Nah. Just divorce him. You'd be hopping if it was the other way round.

kittymamma · 23/07/2017 19:46

Wow, some pretty nasty comments on here for the OP. I get it OP, it doesn't feel fair. A bit like when a sibling got a new toy when they went out with mum for the afternoon and you got nothing and then secretly you want to break it, but you don't because you know it's WRONG. It's totally immature and you know it!

MycatsaPirate · 23/07/2017 19:52

Don't be a bitch. Just sign the papers and get it over with.

ImperialBlether · 23/07/2017 19:56

Well, one thing she gains is that if he dies while he's still married to her, she's entitled to his pension.

Inertia · 23/07/2017 19:57

Do you actually need to wait for something in particular? There's no point in delaying the divorce just for the sake of being mean, but on the other hand you shouldn't be forced into a rushed divorce if it means that you and the children would miss out on a fair settlement.

If you need to get e.g. financial arrangements sorted and he's rushing you to accept an unreasonable settlement, then it would be sensible to delay and get proper legal advice. If it's just spite, then move on- it won't help you in the long run.

muddlefuck · 23/07/2017 20:00

This must be a reverse, surely no one would admit to being that petty?!

melj1213 · 23/07/2017 20:01

What kind of example is it setting to your children to be spiteful and petty over a mutually decided divorce just because he's dared to move on faster than you have? Clearly your Ex has no issues talking about his new relationship with your children, and they have no issue with it, but if that is put in jeapordy because you're being obtuse for the sake of it then you're the only one who will come out of it badly.

If he was the one dragging his heels because you had found a new partner, you'd be on here crying about how hard done by you were so put on your big girl pants, sign the paperwork and then both of you can move on with your lives.

footballmum · 23/07/2017 20:09

For those of you telling the OP she is not BU, or have done similar yourselves, did any of you give one single thought to your children in any of that? I was a teenager caught in a bitter divorce after my DF left my DM for an OW. I don't blame my DM for being upset and angry but her bitterness continued for years and years and affected me and my siblings more than anyone. She refused to do anything to cooperate with the divorce after my DF waited the requisite period of time and then started proceedings.

Don't get me wrong, I adored my DM. She was an amazing mum in many ways and because of her I am the woman I am today. However, her bitterness towards my DF tore her apart and, in my opinion, was a major factor in why she never met anyone else. She simply couldn't trust another man and her distrust of men rubbed off on me and my siblings and has had an impact on all of the relationships we have had. It has also had a huge effect on our relationships with our DF.

I can only imagine how hard it must be when a marriage ends and one partner moves on before the other but please OP, be the bigger person and move on. It will pay dividends in the end.

Guavaf1sh · 23/07/2017 20:14

YABU, weird and spiteful

thegoodnameshadgone · 23/07/2017 20:15

Op is getting a hard time on here. She's asked for advice and been advised to do it and not pro long it. Feel a bit defensive for her. It's hard. Emotions run high. Give her a break

VeryButchyRestingFace · 23/07/2017 20:18

Poor you having to do 70% of the parenting for children you chose to have

Unless this was the virgin birth, pretty sure her ex must have had a dick hand in proceedings somewhere... Confused

thegoodnameshadgone · 23/07/2017 20:22

She knows delaying it isn't the right thing to do. Of course she does but fuck me,
It still hurts regardless and she's just written down a few thoughts in her head at the time. I am guessing. If not and is actually wanting to delay it because he's met someone first well it's wrong. She knows it and so do we. That's between her and her soon to be ex as he will be regardless but I think people have been a bit too harsh here.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 23/07/2017 20:25

I would get it if you didn't want the marriage to end, but you've said it was mutual.

From everything you've said you just sound like a spiteful and nasty child having a hissy fit because your plan backfired on you.

Sign the paperwork and get over yourself.

MaisyPops · 23/07/2017 20:29

thegoodnameshadgone
She's getting a hard time because she's been separated from her husband for 3 years and is considering dragging it out even longer purely because he has a new woman.

thegoodnameshadgone · 23/07/2017 20:31

Maisypops - sorry don't know how to tag on a phone. I just feel bad for her. I think she's not over him. Why else would you delay it? No one would do it just out of spite.

Lweji · 23/07/2017 20:33

Op is getting a hard time on here. She's asked for advice and been advised to do it and not pro long it. Feel a bit defensive for her. It's hard. Emotions run high. Give her a break

What's your advice then? As long as it's constructive and not something like "hang in there, and give it more time, hun"? What is gained by her by prolonging her non-existent marriage, in your opinion?

MaisyPops · 23/07/2017 20:34

@thegoodnameshadgone
Whether she's over him or not, it's ludicrous to be wanting to drag a divorce on more when it's already 3 years.
Even if he was open to having lingering feelings, he won't now.

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2017 20:34

I can't believe some people are making excuses for the OP's control freakery.

Janeismymiddlename · 23/07/2017 20:36

in my opinion, was a major factor in why she never met anyone else. She simply couldn't trust another man and her distrust of men rubbed off on me and my siblings and has had an impact on all of the relationships we have had. It has also had a huge effect on our relationships with our DF

I am a long time divorced but the depth of my ex's betrayal runs very deep and I struggle to trust. Genuinely trust, I can do it superficially. I have had no shortage of offers and serious relationships but Imfeel,it is unlikely I will ever settle again because of what he did.

If you struggle to trust, you should look to the person who showed you it was OK to lie and cheat and behave badly. Not your mum.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/07/2017 20:37

WorraLiberty

My only surprise is that posters haven't mentioned MH and counselling.