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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not rush divorce for sake of STBXH new marriage

145 replies

TeenageDirtBags · 23/07/2017 17:40

I'm a single mum of two teenagers. I met my STBXH when I was very young and we were married a very long time. We have been living apart for 3 years and for most of that time I've dipped in and out of dating sites, never settling but I have not been lonely IYKWIM. I would like to find someone permanent. Split was agreed by bothof us.

STBXH met his new gf after we split and i'm sure he's planning on marrying once the divorce is through. They are not engaged yet but he's a tradionalist and he'll be waiting until it's right. My children have told me they're talking about it. Divorce is taking a long time but I'm in no rush.

AIBU to take a little longer than I need to with the paperwork?

OP posts:
LittleBooInABox · 23/07/2017 18:23

Oh my... sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Let me get this straight, you were happy to split but only so long as you were happy and he spends his time miserably alone until you find someone...? Then and only then is he allowed to be happy.

Grow up.

Sign the papers, and move on!

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 23/07/2017 18:23

Do you want your ex and his GF to think you're still in love with him?

Good point, well made!

HiJenny35 · 23/07/2017 18:24

Your nasty attitude is why he's moved on a met someone else not because you have the kids 70% of the time. Yes YABU to take longer than you 'need' to. Grow up.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 23/07/2017 18:25

I think is is a case of "I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him".

VeryButchyRestingFace · 23/07/2017 18:27

AIBU to take a little longer than I need to with the paperwork?

Well, I guess that settles the question of who left who. Hmm

pringlecat · 23/07/2017 18:33

Once you're officially divorced rather than just separated, you find it easier to meet men who want to date you. This could be to your benefit too.

I'm a woman, but I'm always wary about dating guys who are separated rather than divorced. I imagine it works the other way round too.

Allthewaves · 23/07/2017 18:37

Go and sign the papers and stop being an ass

daisychainagain · 23/07/2017 18:38

This is weird. Just divorce him and move on.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 23/07/2017 18:40

Why, he's moved on and you haven't, you need to address why you haven't moved on in terms of why this is making you feel envious.

He's going to move on whether you like it or not, delaying it only angers you!

SecretNutellaFix · 23/07/2017 18:46

What do you actually achieve by withholding the divorce? What do you gain?

You sound bitter and spiteful. If I was in your position I'd be signing every bit of paper the second they arrived and get shot of the man.

He's never going to come back to you, so what if he has moved on? As a previous poster said, if the situation was reversed he would be being called abusive and controlling and actually, I agree.

MrsPorth · 23/07/2017 18:52

You've been admirably honest and you are self-aware ...you're not inventing a back story to justify being bitter. However, I think you should finalise the divorce. Good luck.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/07/2017 18:52

OP you were the one who brought up the fact that you do 70% of the childcare as a reason for you not being able to meet anyone. But you said yourself that you haven't been lonely and you've been on dating sites. You just haven't found 'the one' yet. It's not as though you've never had a social life since he left.

Why do you want to delay things? Just because you can, by the sound of it. You're not coming out of this looking good.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2017 18:54

You might find you feel differently when the divorce is through. Honestly. It was like being set free.

When it's all official and not hanging over you you'll have a different perspective on moving on and meeting someone wonderful.

Even if you don't feel great at the moment about being divorced, whether you like it or not it's going to be at the back of your mind as something difficult you'll need to tackle at some point.

Show your ex, your children and anyone else you're taking it all in your stride and being dignified.

NearlyFree17 · 23/07/2017 19:03

Don't be a bitch about it. Either he won't care or it will give him a buzz that you don't want to let him go.

TheFaerieQueene · 23/07/2017 19:06

What is your long term aim with this approach ?

crazykitten20 · 23/07/2017 19:15

@TeenageDirtBags

Starting g a thread like this on MN!

I give you a gold star for bravery 😊😉

crazykitten20 · 23/07/2017 19:17

I agree @MrsPorth 😊

Refreshingly honest OP

Pengggwn · 23/07/2017 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MommaGee · 23/07/2017 19:18

So it was mutual and you've subsequently dated.

You only want to delay because he's in love and you're not and apparently he's in love because he does less child care so has been able to find someone.

But you're not bitter.

Right...

Lweji · 23/07/2017 19:22

FGS, do yourself a favour and get through with the divorce. You are not gaining anything by delaying it.

RortyCrankle · 23/07/2017 19:26

YABU - you're jealous because he has found someone. If you delay it will send him the message you still want him. Is that what you really want?

SoNouveau · 23/07/2017 19:29

FWIW you don't sound spiteful to me, just like you need a bit more time to process everything.
It's a big deal divorce, especially when you got together so young and have children, it's sad and I guess you'll both always have some feelings for each other.
I don't think YABU but you will have to do it sooner or later and maybe now's the time to get on it.
Good luck.

isseywithcats · 23/07/2017 19:31

just do it i would love to divorce my ex but he wont come up to my house to talk about it or give me his address five years after we split pisses me off no end because i cant close that chapter even though i have got over him and moved on with my life as in found someone else who treats me a lot better than he did, hes just doing the control thing
and we have no shared assets or kids so would be simple five year split no arguments

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 23/07/2017 19:32

Poor you having to do 70% of the parenting for children you chose to have Hmm

YABVU and petty. Whatever happened to setting a good example to children and doing the right thing.

Lweji · 23/07/2017 19:34

Surely 3 years is long enough, particularly if the OP has already been dating other people.