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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not rush divorce for sake of STBXH new marriage

145 replies

TeenageDirtBags · 23/07/2017 17:40

I'm a single mum of two teenagers. I met my STBXH when I was very young and we were married a very long time. We have been living apart for 3 years and for most of that time I've dipped in and out of dating sites, never settling but I have not been lonely IYKWIM. I would like to find someone permanent. Split was agreed by bothof us.

STBXH met his new gf after we split and i'm sure he's planning on marrying once the divorce is through. They are not engaged yet but he's a tradionalist and he'll be waiting until it's right. My children have told me they're talking about it. Divorce is taking a long time but I'm in no rush.

AIBU to take a little longer than I need to with the paperwork?

OP posts:
KissAndTell · 23/07/2017 18:07

From someone whose divorce has taken over a year so far, please don't delay it. It's utterly shit for everyone, don't make it worse by purposely delaying like my ex has done

caffeinestream · 23/07/2017 18:07

If a man came on here and posted that his ex wanted a divorce, but he hadn't moved on yet, so he couldn't be bothered to sign the papers in a hurry, he'd be called abusive, controlling and more.

Just get it over and done with. You say you're happy you've split up, why delay things any further?

KindleBueno · 23/07/2017 18:07

Don't be a knob. You'll be lucky if it's interpreted as spiteful instead of you're still hung up on him and can't bear to move on.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 23/07/2017 18:07

Petty as fuck, with overtones of bitter old shrew.

And yes, keep this up and you will become known as 'the crazy ex wife who just couldn't let go'.

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2017 18:08

No drip feed or heavy back story, i'm just a bit pissed he's moved on and I haven't. He was always more sociable than me. I have our children 70% of the time but every other weekend he has them. So he's had more opportunity to meet others than me.

That is what I'm 'on about'.

If you've a problem with looking after your teenagers 70% of the time, then sort that issue out.

Delaying signing the papers so your ex and his girlfriend won't be getting engaged or married yet, is just spiteful.

fatdogs · 23/07/2017 18:08

Spiteful and childish. I take the point that he has probably had more freedom to date. So in order to assuage the bitterness and petty jealousy you feel about him being able to move on, how would you feel about splitting residence of the children 50/50 or letting him have them every weekend? That would keave you with the weekends free to date and possibly ruin his upcoming wedding at the same time as his fiancee may scarlet when she realises that she will have to put up with his kids every weekend. Win/ win for you.
Or you could just be mature and sensible and get yourself to the solicitors office over the next couple of week and get it done.

Bobbins43 · 23/07/2017 18:08

Please do just get it over with. My STBXH is refusing to sign any papers and it's been seven months now and we are no further forward. It's a massive emotional drain on us both. Just get it over with.

SlatternIsTrying · 23/07/2017 18:09

This reminds me of my DH's ex. DH and I met after they split. She refused to divorce him, not because she wanted him back but because, in her own words 'why should he get to move on'.

It took 5 years for the divorce to go through. DH and I have been very happily married for 15 years so it didn't make any difference in the long run. But it was a pain at the time.

fatdogs · 23/07/2017 18:09
  • may scarper off
OnionKnight · 23/07/2017 18:10

Get a move on, delaying it achieves nothing.

WashingMatilda · 23/07/2017 18:11

OP.
If it wasn't you saying your kids ages I would honestly be worried you were my DPs ex wife.
You have no idea the hurt and unnecessary grief you are causing. You are setting a terrible example. By all accounts it sounds as if you have moved on in all but paper. There is no chance of reconciliation between you two and to spite him and his partner just because YOU'VE not met anyone is simply inexcusable.
Remember that it's not only your ex, yourself and his DP, but also by default the children. They deserve to see all adults in a loving and solid relationship, and that includes you.
Get a grip of yourself and get down the solicitors.

Jammydodger81 · 23/07/2017 18:11

But surely that's to do with her ex, and not his girlfriend Worra?

OP sign the papers and be bloody grateful your split is fairly amicable. There's plenty on here (me included) who have things a lot, lot worse. I'd love my abusive arsehole exh to meet someone as he'd spend less time making my life a misery in every way he can.

Mrskeats · 23/07/2017 18:12

Nasty.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/07/2017 18:13

AIBU to take a little longer than I need to with the paperwork?

YABU.

It's unnecessary and spiteful.

LittleWitch · 23/07/2017 18:13

My friend had an affair which broke up her marriage. She stayed in the marital home with the teenage DCs and moved the OM in. Agreeing the financial package took nearly three years but finally the divorce was edging to a conclusion when her STBXH announced that he intended to marry his new partner. Cue screeching of brakes as my friend decided that she wasn't too thrilled at his new-found happiness and pretty much halted proceedings usung all sorts of spurious excuses concerning the children until they got to the five year limit and she grudgingly had to finalise it.

Don't be that person OP. It's petty, vindictive and unnecessary.

diddl · 23/07/2017 18:14

Why do you want to stay married to him for longer than necessary?

My ex left me for someone else & when I filed for divorce he pissed about & delayed stuff.

WTAF was that about?

Starlight2345 · 23/07/2017 18:15

AIBU . Yes.

Original poster
TeenageDirtBags · 23/07/2017 18:15

Worra I have NO PROBLEM looking after my children 100% I'm just filling in any gaps as you accused me of drip feeding! FFS! His GF has NOTHING to do with this, they are our kids not hers.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/07/2017 18:15

But surely that's to do with her ex, and not his girlfriend Worra?

100% the point I was making, yes.

elQuintoConyo · 23/07/2017 18:16

Don't be cunty.

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2017 18:16

I didn't accuse you of drip feeding. I asked if you were about to drip feed.

Just sign the papers and let them get on with their life together.

blackteasplease · 23/07/2017 18:17

Just do it at your normal speed. Neither rush nor delay.

fatdogs · 23/07/2017 18:21

Well if you don't have a problem looking after your children, why resent him for having more time and freedom to meet people and date?
Something tells me you are filled with spite and jealousy that he has moved on and you haven't and that in some twisted way this makes him the "winner" and you the "loser". It's entirely human to feel this way but at least own your feelings and admit that you are doing it out of petty vinidctiveness

ChasedByBees · 23/07/2017 18:21

Just do it. You'll just make yourself look petty and bothered if you delay. Do you want your ex and his GF to think you're still in love with him?

RebornSlippy · 23/07/2017 18:21

His GF has EVERYTHING to do with this. It's killing you that he has met someone before you. If the shoe were on the other foot, you'd be the first one on here spitting feathers about his shitty behaviour.