Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep breastfeeding my toddler against DH's wishes?

120 replies

ChangeCat · 22/07/2017 13:46

We've just had another argument over it! I don't think she's ready to stop and prefer her to wean naturally.

He says there are no benefits for her now that she's turned 2, that it makes her clingy to me and is bad for her psychological development. That i need to stop completely. I haven't agreed to stopping (have cut down to 3x day) but he gets angry when I feed her (including watching me via the monitor when I'm trying to settle her for a nap!)

AIBU to disobey him and feed until she's ready to wean? I don't feel like he understands. It feels natural to me.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 22/07/2017 13:49

Maybe he feels excluded and would like DD to go to him for comfort occasionally? It might be a good idea to make it less regular in run up to going to nursery/pre-school.

Saiman · 22/07/2017 13:51

Whoa 'disobey'??? Whose turn of phrase is that?

Why not talk it out? I can imagine he feels pushed out. But an actual converstation needs to take place to see eachothers pov.

Not just him demand. This feels like one of those threads that isnt just about this issue.

53rdWay · 22/07/2017 13:53

It's not at all bad for her psychological development. He's talking bollocks. If he wants her to be less clingy to you, he needs to find some more ways to bond with her himself, not just tell you to stop using one of yours. (And honestly, clinginess to one parent or another is a perfectly normal phase - she'll get past it.) YANBU.

cariadlet · 22/07/2017 13:54

I stopped breastfeeding when my dd was 2. She was down to 2 feeds a day by then (early morning and bedtime) so didn't need it. It was just a nice way to start and end the day.

I only stopped because my dp kept nagging me. We were trying for a 2nd child and he thought that my breastfeeding was partly why it wasn't happening. He kept saying that I was only still bf'ing for me and not for dd.

She didn't mind dropping those couple of feeds, but would have happily kept on for longer if I'd let her. I missed that special, close time with her and I didn't get pregnant anyway so it was pointless.

If I had my time again I would definitely keep breastfeeding until my dd had lost interest. Ignore your dh and let your dd wean herself when she's ready.

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/07/2017 13:55

DD didn't wean untill she was 3 . I can assure you she isn't psychologically damaged by it. Why the issue. If he watching you on a monitor putting dd down for her nap if he doesn't want to feel excluded maybe he could take over rather watching on a monitor.
My first thought was creepy.

SlB09 · 22/07/2017 13:55

Hopefully the use of 'disobey' is just terminology and you dont actually feel you have to obey him, the decision should be discussed and agreed between you. Having said that you've got to really think through if its for your benefit or hers your continuing? She needs to start gaining true independance from you and three times a day is still quite frequent really. How about just at bedtime or something? Its such a personal decision though x

Callamia · 22/07/2017 13:55

How wonderful that he's such an expert in the benefits and not of feeding past two!

Is he jealous? I can't work out why he'd be angry that you're doing something that makes your child feel safe, cosy and probably makes bedtime easier. You already know that there's zip all evidence for any argument against your husband has made so far.

It's kind of difficult to just stop, and you're already reducing feeds - this sounds reasonable. We stopped just after two (because I was pregnant, and feeding felt torturous for me), but we did it calmly and with lots of alternative hugs and warm milk. I hope you carry on doing what you want.

Groupie123 · 22/07/2017 13:56

Do you involve him during breastfeeding or do you exclude him from it? Are there other problems in the marriage? Is breast feeding hampering pre-school/nursery? Not sure why breast feeding past 2 is a big deal?

Original poster
ChangeCat · 22/07/2017 13:57

He has a good bond with her. She asks for him all the time and actively pushes me away from him when he gets home so she can have him to herself!

But yes she does go to me for comfort and has become clingier to me recently. On nursery days (2x week) she just has 2 feeds (morning and night).

She gets so upset when I refuse to let her feed.

OP posts:
limon · 22/07/2017 13:59

Yanbu!

If you feel the word "disobey" is a valid concept in a marriage there is something very wrong in your marriage.

There is huge benefit to extended breast feeding and your husband is wrong.

Stongly attached children who are nurtured well grow up to be more secure. There ia a load of research to back this up.

DimsieMaitland · 22/07/2017 14:00

My DDs were bf until 2.7 and 2.10.
It had zero effect on their relationships with anyone else, including DH.
2 year olds who are securely attached are clingy. It's also known as seeking comfort from someone they trust. My DC went to their dad for comfort as happily as they came to me. BF is not your issue here.

craftsy · 22/07/2017 14:00

There are absolutely no benefits to breastfeeding a toddler. Breastfeeding a toddler is just a normal biological thing that our young have evolved to do. There are, however, risks to stopping. Not many risks at that age but a few. Her immune system won't develop fully for another few years so until it does breastfeeding means that she has the use of a your adult immune system. It makes her less likely to catch an illness than she would be otherwise and when she does get ill she will recover faster than she would if she was not breastfed.

I was never going to breastfeed into toddlerhood. I thought it was unnecessary and the benefits minimal. But once it was pointed out to me that there are no benefits to breastfeeding that it's actually just the human baseline I realised that while I wouldn't breastfeed into toddlerhood for a small benefit. I wouldn't stop DS having the minimum his body evolved to expect just because it's socially weird.

DotForShort · 22/07/2017 14:01

I am far more troubled by your use of the word "disobey" than the issue of breastfeeding (which is your decision).

Original poster
ChangeCat · 22/07/2017 14:02

Maybe he is jealous, I'm not sure. I used to feed in front of him, now mainly behind his back. When I say I'm not ready to stop he just says 'it's time' as though he's made the decision for us.

He has a very high IQ so maybe he is right.

He says it's all about me. I do enjoy feeding her, but if she wanted to stop I don't think I'd miss it. It's just the saying no that's hard when it feels such a natural, bonding thing.

I don't feed in public at all now so she misses a feed when we're out.

OP posts:
HVB79 · 22/07/2017 14:02

If he's getting angry with you when you're straying to settle her for a nap I would have thought she's likely to be even more clingy... there's nothing wrong with still feeding at 2. Does she need it to get to sleep though? You could if you wanted try feeding after a nap or earlier in the bedtime routine so that he is able to settle her too? Did that with my second and wish I had with my first.

NicolasFlamel · 22/07/2017 14:04

I need the clapping emoji for you craftsy. Yes yes yes! OP if you are happy to continue, allow your child that comfort. Your DP is talking absolutely BS about psychological damage etc. It would be easier to accept his request if he was actually right.

giggleshizz · 22/07/2017 14:05

I breastfed until 3. DD is not psychologically damaged as far as I'm aware. Your problem here is not BF but your DH. HTH.

craftsy · 22/07/2017 14:06

Oh and DS has never been remotely clingy. He's highly social and has been from day one. He happily goes to other people, receives comfort from others when needed. I'm his main person but I'm a single parent so that's to be expected. But he's been able to fall asleep in the arms of either of my parents since he was a few months old and he'll happily spend the night with them. But that's just his personality all children are different and some will show a preference for one parent or the other at different times in their lives. I know some breastfed toddlers who favour their fathers for comfort and to sleep with.

giggleshizz · 22/07/2017 14:07

Also assuming your husband is a fully qualified child psychologist in order to be so informed on psychological development and attachment disorders?

craftsy · 22/07/2017 14:08

He has a very high IQ so maybe he is right.

I have a tested IQ of 174 and I say he can fuck off. Does that help?

TeachesOfPeaches · 22/07/2017 14:10

I can imagine it's a pain the arse if she still needs feeding to sleep at night and for naps. My son is 19m old and I just put him into his cot and leave. Does it take a long time? Maybe that's why your husband is getting annoyed.

SlB09 · 22/07/2017 14:11

Without knowing the true ins and outs from both sides though I feel like alot of responses seem to be promoting just ignoring the husbands opinion like 'their not his boobs so he doesnt get a say just ignore him''. Forgive me if ive misunderstood but I think this attitude is so wrong! He is part of the family, one of the parents and should be part of the decision process. I think it sounds like you just need a good talk through of the actual issues.

chips4teaplease · 22/07/2017 14:12

Don't stop. Get rid of the dh if you have to.

DJBaggySmalls · 22/07/2017 14:12

ChangeCat Breastfeeding older toddlers makes other people feel uncomfitable.
So does some of the language you have used on this thread.

You cannot disobey your husband.
You are not breastfeeding your child behind his back.
His IQ is irrelevant. Emotional intelligence is not related to IQ.

Tidypidy · 22/07/2017 14:12

There are many benefits to breastfeeding older children! Six weeks ago DS2 who was 4 in February had his last feeds as he weaned himself. DH and I both have close relationships with him, as do other important adults in his life. I faced pressure from relatives and some friends to stop as they felt it was weird but it's not their choice! It was up to my son and I to make the decision. The only weird thing in my opinion is other people forcing their ideas onto you.