To keep breastfeeding my toddler against DH's wishes?

[ChangeCat]

We've just had another argument over it! I don't think she's ready to stop and prefer her to wean naturally.

He says there are no benefits for her now that she's turned 2, that it makes her clingy to me and is bad for her psychological development. That i need to stop completely. I haven't agreed to stopping (have cut down to 3x day) but he gets angry when I feed her (including watching me via the monitor when I'm trying to settle her for a nap!)

AIBU to disobey him and feed until she's ready to wean? I don't feel like he understands. It feels natural to me.

I stopped at 13 months with both of mine. Led by me. And now, knowing what I do that I didn't know then, I really wish I had let them self wean.

They were both clingy as fuck at age 2.

I went to a toddler group where there was a lot of full term breastfeeding, and I don't think that now the children are ten or so you could tell who was weaned when. The ones who were still breastfeeding when they started school seem to include a lot who are good at sport, but I think that's probably a coincidence, and its the only thing that really stands out as a possible difference.

@Lana

"Again I will ask.
Can you tell me why we think it is perfectly fine and healthy to feed a 3yr old milk from a cow, that was designed for her babies, but not feed a 3yr old milk from a human, that is actually designed for it??

I am literally desperate to know how one animals milk is fine, but anothers, our own no less, is not."

You mean you are literally desperate to start a fight with a strawman. Children who are not bf do not automatically drink cows' milk. Met a man from a non dairy farming area of Spain once who had his first drink of cows' milk aged 18...
No one is saying bm isn't fine, it just isn't necessary for a child who is able to eat other food and get enough nutrients from that other food.

it just isn't necessary for a child who is able to eat other food and get enough nutrients from that other food.

According to WHO and UNICEF if you are talking about optimum nutrition then yes, BF to 2+ years is entirely necessary.

That's not to say you won't achieve adequate nutrition substituting BM for formula milk or from 1 year old cows milk.

But to say BF is unnecessary after 6 months (i.e. Able to eat other foods) is just scientifically, factually incorrect.

Plus as PP have said upthread, BF is about more than pure nutrition. There's the very often overlooked and undervalued emotional element of BF. Toddlers can derive a huge amount of security and comfort from their BF relationship with their mother.

Having studied evolutionary psychology and cognitive neuroscience to postgraduate level and worked as a nurse in women's and children's health/HV (does that qualify me in the eyes of your DH OP?) I think we do a huge disservice to the importance BF in the normal physical and emotional development of our species when we reduce it to terms of bare minimum necessity.

This is a horrible thread, poor OP.

From somebody who tried to bf and felt like such a failure and let down to my children, many on here are out of order.
Normal is whatever is right for you and your child, yes the partner should have a say as he too is a parent, but the last word is the mother's, surely.
I so wish I could have bf for more than a few weeks, and think that women who can and want to should be supported, not told they are weird, or it's not natural.

I've breast fed 4 dc. Never saw the point of continuing once they got teeth and were on solids. I always think it's more about the parent than the child when mums keep on feeding till nursery age.

gillybeanz

I'm sorry you struggled. I was the only one out of my NCT group who managed to bf for a considerable length of time. It isn't easy without support.

Is the quarrel in the OP's post actually about breastfeeding or about extended bed time rituals and some disagreement there? Is the fight about breastfeeding maybe simply a surrogate quarrel?

There is no good reason as such for the father to object to breastfeeding , but I guess there is ample reason to object if mum and dad disagree about length and form of bed time rituals.

Ours got read a story, got told good night and that was the end of it. Adult time started. That came from both of us and I am very grateful in hindsight that we agreed on that.

I have seen other couples where mum vanishes for 2, 3 hrs into the kids room each evening (breastfeeding or not), DH is left twiddling thumbs. Every evening. And eventually this impacts on a marriage.

Surrogate quarrels are a bane in a marriage as both sides know it is irrelevant who is right, the real bone of contention is somewhere else. But the fight is fought as if it mattered.

So, OP, please stand back and think, is this really about breastfeeding? If yes, of course you are right to feed a but longer, it certainly does no harm and may do something marginally good for baby. But if DH is actually upset about something entirely different (like that you vanish for f x hours and leave him stew) you probably need to listen. And then he might well be right, the breastfeeding might simply be a front for your own needs.

you need to reach a compromise ignoring him and just doing what you want is not the way forward .We all have different views, but your both parents and should both have equal say.

I remember when DS hit 2 years of age was when my DH used to make the odd remark of, "Isn't he a little bit too old for that now?" if he saw me breast feeding and he'd also make statements like, "It's time we got you off that now" to DS. He would also ask me when I was going to stop doing it in a manner that implied he wasn't comfortable with the fact I still was. He'd never say anything to me in a nasty or sneery tone, just a questioning one and I'd always just respond by telling him DS was not too old for breast feeds and to let us just get on with it DH would always smile because he knew that nothing he did or said would make me stop BF'ing and that he was fighting a losing battle. As the months passed though I did start to feel a bit awkward about BF'ing in front of DH and that's when I started to wonder if maybe I had hit the point to stop because if I was completely comfortable about still breast feeding at that age then I wouldn't feel embarrassed about it. Ultimately I stopped breast feeding DS when he was 2.5 years because I was struggling to conceive and I think in hindsight that was a good age to stop regardless of the reason.

I'm all for extended breast feeding and think feeding toddlers is completely 'normal'. I'm another one who struggles with the idea that it's viewed as wrong to have breast milk past a certain age but perfectly fine for them to have cow's milk. It makes no sense to me.

I'm sorry you're feeling a bit vulnerable about it all OP, I hope hearing other people's experiences make you see that you aren't alone and give you some inner courage to continue doing as you are

Out of interest, where in the world do children breastfeed until 7? I haven't heard of any countries but I am prepared to learn.

I have lived in many countries thoughout the world and to be honest it's very rare for babies where I've lived to be breastfed much past 1 year old at the most.

If you breastfeed until children stop by themselves, just about every child will stop before they turn 8, even though many will stop long before then. It's not that every 7 year old will be bread feeding, any more than every 7 year old will be in a nappy at night, or unable to read fluently, or swim, or ride a bike, or pronounce "th". At 2, the vast majority of children who have the opportunity will still breastfeed. At 7, the vast majority won't.

chips4teaplease "Don't stop. Get rid of the dh if you have to."

WTF? Ending the marriage over this is extreme and how will that be good for the them or the child?

Exactly - breastfed children will stop at a range of ages. They won't all continue until 7 just because they're allowed to.

My middle son stopped suddenly at 13 months. My youngest currently aged 2y 3m is down to once a week (for the last three Saturdays for about five minutes! Totally unprompted he'll suddenly ask. I keep thinking he's stopped, maybe he has now! 😀).

I stopped breastfeeding my eldest at 10 months coz I was going back to work! So daft, I could easily have continued but was pretty ignorant about breastfeeding then.

I do t like the sound of your DH

Heron - the country where children are breastfeed the longest is Mongolia, with a good amount of children still being breastfed at 7. The global ave age to stop was 4 though last time I checked.

Op, ultimately they are your boobs and it's only yours and your child decision. He may be your husband but it's still your body.

My dh wanted me to stop When my youngest was 22 months - it wasn't about 'obeying' him but I was kind of ready to stop as well and so did. Friends who kept going past 2 found it really hard to stop when they wanted to As their kids were so used to it . Extended BF is fine if you want to but I think there's a point where it's fine to want your body back to yourself and the longer you leave it the harder it is
to stop

My DD1 weaned when she was 2.5 as I was pregnant and gradually stopped producing milk, and eventually she stopped trying. She tried again when DD2 was born but she'd lost her latch and couldn't get any milk. She's now 4.5 and sometimes still talks with sadness about not having milk anymore. I suppose it was a form of natural weaning because it was in favour of a sibling, but I still feel sad for her being stopped before she was ready.

The global average age to stop isn't 4. That claim gets made a lot, and seems to have gained a life of it's own, but if you actually look into the stats, it's nowhere close.

This article does a very good job of explaining it:

breastfeedingwithoutbs.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/bullshitometer-no-average-age-of.html

It's a few years out of date now, but equally, this decade hasn't seen a massive sea change in the average global age of weaning either. Mongolia remains an outlier. If you think about it, for populous countries like the UK and France where we as populations do very little of it after a few months, there'd have to be societies numbering over a hundred million people where the average age to stop was six or seven. There aren't.

With that said, if anyone wants to breastfeed a seven year old, don't let the fact that only a very small minority of humans are doing that put you off. It's nobody else's business, and if they think it's harmful, they'd better have some proof. Me personally, I don't seem to be able to locate any fucks. Best to save them for all the kids in the world who aren't being fed anything at all.

My friend who was in Mensa wouldn't have let any bloke, whatever his IQ, tell her it was time to stop or expect to obey him!