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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep breastfeeding my toddler against DH's wishes?

120 replies

ChangeCat · 22/07/2017 13:46

We've just had another argument over it! I don't think she's ready to stop and prefer her to wean naturally.

He says there are no benefits for her now that she's turned 2, that it makes her clingy to me and is bad for her psychological development. That i need to stop completely. I haven't agreed to stopping (have cut down to 3x day) but he gets angry when I feed her (including watching me via the monitor when I'm trying to settle her for a nap!)

AIBU to disobey him and feed until she's ready to wean? I don't feel like he understands. It feels natural to me.

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/07/2017 14:13

2 year olds are clingy. It's called separation anxiety and it's normal in that age bracket. if your DH has such a high IQ Hmm then he can look up some stuff on child development and find out how wrong he is.

Don't believe him. And think very seriously about your use of the word 'disobey' in the context of you and him. That is raising a few red flags for me.

DimsieMaitland · 22/07/2017 14:13

High IQ?
I'm Oxbridge educated with 5 postgraduate qualifications and I still think he's behaving like an arse.
He may be clever but he's apparently lacking in emotional intelligence.

SomePeopleAreSoCheeky · 22/07/2017 14:13

My DS is nearly 2, still has a few feeds a day some days and maybe 1 on other days.
I always thought I'd stop when he turned 1, but actually I don't now think there is a right time. He's stopped some of his feeds on his own, and when he asks for it I offer food first and if he persists then I feed him because I know he wants the comfort.
It should be your choice to stop - if that is what you want, and if he forces you to stop because he has decided arbitrarily that it is time you'd probably resent him for taking away a source of your child's comfort.
There are plenty of journals etc on the benefits of extended breastfeeding, but really you shouldn't need to fight for this against your partner.
If you want to continue, then do. Don't be forced into stopping just because your DP says so!

RobinHumphries · 22/07/2017 14:15

Just be aware that breast feeding children over the age of 2 has been linked to dental caries so you need to be brushing vigilantly

Huffletuff · 22/07/2017 14:15

Are they not your breasts?

user1476869312 · 22/07/2017 14:16

What do you think would happen if you said to your H 'This is my decision, not yours. Back off and shut up.'?
Because this is an area in which his opinion does not matter. Your body does not belong to him. There are benefits to your DC if you carry on feeding (though it's not really that big a deal, formula-fed babies do just as well as BF ones in the long run).

Is he missing sex? Could that be why he is complaining? Or is it more about him wanting to be 'obeyed' in other matters?

NoSquirrels · 22/07/2017 14:16

Are you feeding to sleep? That's the only thing I'd try to wean off, honestly. You can reduce & distract, kindly and gently and at a slow pace if you want to phase it out, rather than anyone getting upset or distressed, but only if you want to and can see benefits to phasing it out.

chips4teaplease · 22/07/2017 14:16

I have a tested IQ of 174 and I say he can fuck off. Does that help?
That's high. Mine's only 156 but I too say he can fuck off.

GetOutOfMyBath · 22/07/2017 14:17

There are absolutely no benefits to breastfeeding a toddler. Breastfeeding a toddler is just a normal biological thing that our young have evolved to do. There are, however, risks to stopping.

What? I don't understand... that sentence in internally inconsistent...

The benefit, in your view, appears to be avoiding the risk. So you're arguing that there are benefits

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2017 14:17

My dh has has very IQ. Had he demanded I stopped feeding dd at 2, I would have told him to fuck off. Emotional intelligence is far more important as far as I'm concerned.

I stopped breastfeeding dd at 2 1/2. She didn't feed for several days in a row, then she fed like mad one day and repeated the pattern. It hurt. She didn't want to stop. I told her Santa needed the milk for the babies and if she wanted presents from Santa, she would have to stop. A lie, I know but it was only like the dummy fairy or a dummy tree and it worked, much to my relief.

Right now, you're happy to provide nourishment and your dd accepts with pleasure. Absolutely nothing to do with your husband. He is using his so called superior IQ in a disgusting way. Ask him to point you in the direction of medical papers to back up his evidence.

GetOutOfMyBath · 22/07/2017 14:19

Because this is an area in which his opinion does not matter. Your body does not belong to him.

I do think the father is allowed a view by the time the child is a toddler. It's not necessary to continue feeding milk once a child is weaned. therefore, continuing breastfeeding is a parenting choice, and one that, as the father of the child and equal parent, he ought to be allowed to have a say in!

horsefeathers · 22/07/2017 14:24

He's being silly about the clinginess, if they have a good bond themselves. Children often go through phases of clinging to one parent or the other. It's not a matter for blame or jealousy, it's just one of those things. Give it another year and it might be him she runs to for comfort.

I'm breastfeeding my 20 month old and I know what you mean about not liking to say no. For myself I feel ready to stop any time, and have done for a while, but it's always been a nice safe comforting thing for DS and he really likes it. He trusts in it as part of our relationship, if that makes sense - I'm not going to take it away for no good reason. My eldest stopped wanting it just after her first birthday, DS looks like going past 2 - different children are different.

horsefeathers · 22/07/2017 14:28

And high IQ just means good at IQ tests, which test a very particular skill set. (I say this as a person who is good at IQ tests.) It tells you nothing about whether a person can empathise with others, understand what makes people tick, or even be emotionally self-aware. Never let someone browbeat you over personal, harmless choices just because they're supposedly intelligent.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 22/07/2017 14:29

If your child wants to carry on breastfeeding and you are happy to continue then do. She will self-wean when she's ready or you can wean her if you've had enough.

Why does your husband object? You say yourself he has a close and loving relationship with your child so it's unlikely that he feels excluded or jealous. Therefore it's something else. Probably that he has an idea that bf is only for babies and inappropriate for toddlers. But it's simply not true; it's entirely natural for mammals to feed their young.

The mindset that your husband and so many others (including my own mother!) have is hopefully going to change as society as a whole becomes more tolerant and understanding of breastfeeding. I hope so anyway because otherwise more mothers like you are going to be made to feel bad and guilt-tripped into giving up before their child is ready.

Elendon · 22/07/2017 14:33

Without knowing the true ins and outs from both sides though I feel like alot of responses seem to be promoting just ignoring the husbands opinion like 'their not his boobs so he doesnt get a say just ignore him''. Forgive me if ive misunderstood but I think this attitude is so wrong! He is part of the family, one of the parents and should be part of the decision process. I think it sounds like you just need a good talk through of the actual issues.

Yet you gave your opinion, despite not knowing the details.

To refresh your memory I suggest you actually read the original post again.

ChangeCat Your partner should not be dictating to you and your daughter what is best. You and your daughter know what is best. If his IQ was very high he would not be saying this.

Ceto · 22/07/2017 14:33

For goodness sake, turn the monitor off when you are with your child, or put something over it. Checking up on you via the monitor is just creepy.

Sisinisawa · 22/07/2017 14:36

Getout: they're not weaned if they're breastfeeding. Did you mean to say eating solids?
Because if so if course they need Milk beyond six months!
You don't appear to know a thing about this subject.

Op. you will find great support on Facebook on a page called Breastfeeding Older Babies and Beyond.

I'm feeding my three year old and my seven year old has just weaned recently. Letting them properly self wean is lovely.

My husband had a few moments with our eldest when he felt strongly that she should stop. I ignored him mostly. He had no scientific reasons why so I simply pointed out its the biological norm to feed to natural term and so that's what was going to happen.

He always got over these moments and now is happy that the children choose when to wean.

We were both glad our did finally stopped as she was at the older end of the natural she for weaning which is between four and seven.

I was rather done by then as feeding her felt very different to feeding my youngest.

I'd say just listen and nod and carry on.
Unless you think he will react in an unreasonable way?

TodaysUser · 22/07/2017 14:38

I think listening to your husband is important. It is better for your DD to grow up in a happy home than to breastfeed for another year. He probably feels left out.

ExpatinBah · 22/07/2017 14:40

I am sorry (and will get slated) but breastfeeding a 2+ year old is not normal. No wonder she is clingy.

ExpatinBah · 22/07/2017 14:42

Sinisawa - a 7 year old still breastfeeding - now that is going beyond the mark. Naturally weaning - what happens in 8 years time when still 'attached' - completely unnatural and revolting at that age?

Pengggwn · 22/07/2017 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 22/07/2017 14:44

I bf all 3 of my children, my DS1 until he was 2 and a half, my DS2 until he was 1 and my DD until 8 months (only weaned off because I had to have surgery) All 3 of mine are normal healthy grown ups with no clingy behavior..

The only thing I would agree with your DH with is it may impact your fertility if you are trying for a baby at the same time, I didn't have a period for 2 years whilst BF my son, but when I stopped I conceived my second one immediately, maybe that is his concern

GetOutOfMyBath · 22/07/2017 14:51

Sininsawa I did indeed mean eating solids. I have my very own 2 year old keeping me in a state of semi permanent exhaustion and can perhaps blame my lapse on that?

Anyway, I don't profess to know everything on the subject. However, I do know that at 2 (and presumably eating solids for quite some time), a child does not need breastmilk. I still maintain, therefore, that breastfeeding is a parenting choice, and one that the father ought to have a say in!

Each to their own, and I have nothing against the OP doing it, but the sense that she alone has a right to say whether her child is still breastfed at age 2 is odd. And entitled.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2017 14:51

I also disagree strongly that he shouldn't be permitted a decision or that his opinion doesn't matter. At this stage it is absolutely a parenting choice and he should be part of that decision.

I can see why maybe he thinks it's about you and not her, and I'd maybe think about the positives and the negatives for all three of you.

And I'm sorry but breast feeding a seven year old i do not feel is normal in any way shape nor form and I'd be quite disturbed if I witnessed that.

Miserylovescompany2 · 22/07/2017 14:51

This isn't his decision to make alone and expect you to tow the line. If both yourself and DD are still benefiting from b'feeding then continue. .

He needs to STOP using his so-called-intelligence to override you. That's bullying in my book!