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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep breastfeeding my toddler against DH's wishes?

120 replies

ChangeCat · 22/07/2017 13:46

We've just had another argument over it! I don't think she's ready to stop and prefer her to wean naturally.

He says there are no benefits for her now that she's turned 2, that it makes her clingy to me and is bad for her psychological development. That i need to stop completely. I haven't agreed to stopping (have cut down to 3x day) but he gets angry when I feed her (including watching me via the monitor when I'm trying to settle her for a nap!)

AIBU to disobey him and feed until she's ready to wean? I don't feel like he understands. It feels natural to me.

OP posts:

Absofrigginlootly · 22/07/2017 15:36

"WHO and UNICEF recommend:

early initiation of breastfeeding within 1 hour of birth;
exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months of life; and
introduction of nutritionally-adequate and safe complementary (solid) foods at 6 months together with continued breastfeeding up to 2 years of age or beyond."

MargaretTwatyer · 22/07/2017 15:41

It's not the cultural norm in this country. It is a biological norm for humans, and is the natural age at which children in other countries self-wean.

Your ignorance is showing.

Um, DailyMailReadersAreThick, it might be better to check your own sources before accusing other people of being ignorant.

What you've said there is entirely inaccurate. There was one study which looked at the average weaning ages of other animals and estimated that the natural human weaning age could be between 2-7 if humans were living in an entirely feral state.

But as we're not feral and have highly developed cultures, societies and languages it's irrelevant and untestable.

But there's certainly no study at all which says 'other countries' naturally wean at 7.

Perhaps check your sources before being so rude to other posters. And perhaps think about your username because criticising other people for being credulous about what they read isn't a good look for you.

Runningissimple · 22/07/2017 15:46

golightly she is listening to him. She just isn't agreeing with him. Really glad to hear you weaned them all off the boob by 6 months. Lucky your husband didn't feel that there was no need to stop breastfeeding and demand that you carry on feeding them all till they were two.

I don't give a crap how women feed their babies (as long as it's safe) but I do care that they have a choice, maybe more of a choice than the fathers when it comes to breastfeeding because after all, it is their body and unless it's poinsining the child, I'm struggling to understand why the dad should be allowed to dictate when it ends?

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/07/2017 15:46

Again I will ask.
Can you tell me why we think it is perfectly fine and healthy to feed a 3yr old milk from a cow, that was designed for her babies, but not feed a 3yr old milk from a human, that is actually designed for it??

I am literally desperate to know how one animals milk is fine, but anothers, our own no less, is not.

JustDanceAddict · 22/07/2017 15:49

An opinion is fine, but he sounds creepy - watching over the monitor- yuck!
Can you discuss this rationally and find out why he doesn't like it? Not sure what my dh would've said, but he was happy for me to bf til aged 1, which was mu intention as then milk becomes less important, although we did stop earlier as my milk dried up by 10 months or so and it was pointless!
as for bf'ing at 7. I think the point is we're not animals nor feral and can source different types of food, so bf'ing becomes irrelevant once a full diet is introduced.

Runningissimple · 22/07/2017 15:54

We are animals

Runningissimple · 22/07/2017 15:54

Only sometimes feral

Runningissimple · 22/07/2017 15:55

Nver heard extended breastfeeding described as feral

TodaysUser · 22/07/2017 15:57

Feral

oblada · 22/07/2017 15:57

Extended bf is more common than we think - it's just not openly discussed/admitted and it is obvious why...:/

Whether or not people agree on the positives or benefits of breastfeeding (although it is a natural baseline..) The point for me would be: what are the negatives? If mother and child are happy then they should continue until one of them wants to stop unless the partner can show some real issues with it and so far he hasn't. Being clingy to mum is normal toddler behaviour not breastfeeding related!

Breastfeeding is much more than food!! Without that being clear it is understandable why many people don't get the notion of extended breastfeeding. This really is key!

As someone has mentioned it is inherently inconsistent as well to be OK with giving a child cow milk but not breast milk at the same age. So if someone believes a toddler needs cow milk surely that same toddler is much better off bf.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 22/07/2017 16:00

feral

My older two fed until four and a half and three respectively and my youngest is nearly 2 and still going strong. Dh (who was fine with it, btw) could have expressed an opinion, but it would have been my choice, or rather (as it was in fact) mine and the dc's.

I don't like the sound of him. Watching you on the monitor and admonishing you for providing your still very little child with comfort.

This idea that natural term/'extended' bf is all about the mother never fails to make me . I'll tell that to my 22mo next time she is climbing on me asking for mama milk. 'No, darling, it's all about me, after all'.

Responses like MrChangeCat's and Golightly's upthread tend, IMO and E, to be based on inability (high IQ notwithstanding) to comprehend something outside the (heavily pushed) cultural norm, a diffuse sense of feeling threatened (some people really don't like the 'claim' on the mother that a bf child has) and/or envy that the child is getting their needs met.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2017 16:01

I think some ignorance on this thread and it's not mine. I suggest some research, natural weaning in humans is normal within the age of two and four. In western culture it can be less. In Zulu and other under developed countries it's often before two months. Seven years is not the normal cut off point. It's wrong to suggest that's the normal age for children to self wean as it's factually not. Outwith western culture it's beteeen two and four.

A child breastfeeding to seven is not the norm anywhere.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2720507/

oblada · 22/07/2017 16:06

Bluntness - the reality is that many women out there wait for their child to naturally self wean and it is sometimes up to age 7... You cannot deny that. I was trying to convince my DD to wean, she stopped at 5 but I know for a fact she would have gone on longer and i didn't continue 'for me'...

user1476869312 · 22/07/2017 16:11

The father has the right to have an opinion, and express it, civilly, if he wants to. But he doesn't get to make the decision. No man is entitled to make any decisions about pregnancy, breastfeeding, birth plans or any such thing. If there is a disagreement, the woman gets to decide and the man can either suck it up or fuck off. Because her body belongs to her and not him.

LouHotel · 22/07/2017 16:12

@golighty123 the WHO, UN, UNICEF amd NHS all promote feeding to 2 years so your opinion on 12 months is inaccurate.

You'll get slated because scientifically you are totally wrong.

My understanding was that children are designed to breastfeed until they lose their milk teeth which is around 7. Its not my personal choice to feed past 4 but its equally not my fucking business if someone else does.

If my partner has a problem with me feeding past 2 then i will have a conversation with him and hope we could talk it. If he was getting aggressive and spying on me to see if i was nursing then you have a much bigger problem than what to feed your child.

Absofrigginlootly · 22/07/2017 16:16

^^this

Fruitcorner123 · 22/07/2017 16:20

I am sorry (and will get slated) but breastfeeding a 2+ year old is not normal. No wonder she is clingy.

Pathetic comment and shows your ignorance. It is perfectly normal and many 2 year olds are clingy even ones fed cows milk. Lots of people breastfeed to 2 and beyond. You may not be comfortable with it but that doesn't make it not normal.

chocatoo · 22/07/2017 16:28

I think your DH should be able to contribute to the decision as you are a family. I have no issue with how many years a child is BF for but, whilst there are many people here who have kept going for longer, I suspect that the majority tail off rather sooner than later.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2017 16:35

Bluntness - the reality is that many women out there wait for their child to naturally self wean and it is sometimes up to age 7

I think our disagreement is on semantics. What is " many". I said it wasn't the norm, and no I don't think it's a high percentage of the global population, I think it's a tiny minority. But the tiny minority can still be " many" . The average global age is just over four. SeVen and beyond isn't the norm anywhere in the world, I'm sorry. It simply isn't. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but factually it's not the norm.

gamerchick · 22/07/2017 16:46

The usual ignorant comments out in force I see it makes me laugh when people trot out the it's for the mother crap. Obviously they don't have toddlers with their own opinion. There's nothing satisfying about a kid doing breastfeeding acrobatics.

Runningissimple · 22/07/2017 16:48

think your DH should be able to contribute to the decision as you are a family

Careful - next you'll be saying she ought to have sex with him because they're married... being part of a family doesn't mean women lose autonomy over their bodies. He can contribute to the decision but ultimately, it's her decision. Women fought hard for you to have bodily autonomy. Don't take it for granted.

LouHotel · 22/07/2017 16:50

@gamerchick my 13 month old tried standing up whilst still attached and then went into full tantrum on finding out my boobs dont stretch that far.

I'm actually looking forward to feeding 2+ when hopefully she'll have a bit more understanding of acceptable nursing positions ha.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 22/07/2017 16:53

I stopped breastfeeding my (very frequent) feeder just as he turned 2 - mostly because I went away for a few days and then he didn't ask when I got back, so I figured it was as good a time as any to stop - otherwise we'd probably have just kept going until he lost interest. BUT what may be of interest to your husband is it didn't make him any less clingy to me- if anything it made him more clingy for a while as I think he no longer had that guaranteed close time. Other people I know found similar whatever age they weaned.

Incidentally, breastfeeding absolutely has psychological and immunological benefits well beyond the age of two (ample evidence is available) and it could only be damaging if the child themselves no longer wanted it and was being coerced, or it became a source of conflict (e.g. with the other parent, or with peers via teasing etc).

Meatbadger · 22/07/2017 16:59

Breastfeeding is a relationship between a woman and her child that doesn't really have anything to do with anyone else.

My partner was very supportive of me breastfeeding our eldest up to a point but I did get the sense after about a year that he felt I should probably stop. I ended up giving her a bedtime feed until she was about 20 months. Did I feel awkward about it sometimes? Yes but not enough to let other people's views dictate what was best for my child. She needed the comfort of it and that was fine with me. It's very easy to have an opinion when you've not been in that situation!

I currently feed my youngest (15 months) morning and evening and will continue to do so until I can gently wean her with no resistance. I think my partner feels differently this time having seen our eldest grow into an independent 3.5 year old.....but even if he didn't it wouldn't make any difference.

gamerchick · 22/07/2017 17:05

I'm actually looking forward to feeding 2+ when hopefully she'll have a bit more understanding of acceptable nursing positions ha

Heh or the delights of child suddenly having enough, getting down in run mode and trying to take your boob with them. Go go gadget titty

Man I don't miss it, 3. 5 year before I shoehorned him off.

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