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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep breastfeeding my toddler against DH's wishes?

120 replies

ChangeCat · 22/07/2017 13:46

We've just had another argument over it! I don't think she's ready to stop and prefer her to wean naturally.

He says there are no benefits for her now that she's turned 2, that it makes her clingy to me and is bad for her psychological development. That i need to stop completely. I haven't agreed to stopping (have cut down to 3x day) but he gets angry when I feed her (including watching me via the monitor when I'm trying to settle her for a nap!)

AIBU to disobey him and feed until she's ready to wean? I don't feel like he understands. It feels natural to me.

OP posts:
ommmward · 22/07/2017 14:52

Of course breastfeeding until 2 is normal. Breastfeeding until the child weans or the mother has just had it is the norm for our species.

Weaning before 2 or so is culturally peculiar to the West, and it has only become that short (or non existent) in the last 100 years or so. We are brainwashed by Nestle and co into thinking that their factories of formula milk and baby foods are normal. It's so weird!!

(my children have weaned between 3 years old and 5 and a half, in various combinations of gradual adult led withdrawal and child losing interest. I'm so sorry your husband is not supportive. I understand that the family dynamic might be one where he likes to take charge of decisions. I'd have been gutted to find myself pressurised to stop 😪)

Runningissimple · 22/07/2017 15:05

But the OP is taking her husband's pov seriously - hence the thread. However, she can disagree with him and carry on. I bf all of mine till they were about 2 or 3. They are now teens - pretty normal and seemingly well adjusted. Maybe they've got some deep seated issues but who doesn't? Grin

At the time, it all felt like such a big deal. Now it doesn't seem that important one way or the other - it was just how it went for me.

As other posters have pointed out, the issue you have is with a husband who watches you over the baby monitor and who you are having to hide your breastfeeding from. The baby will stop being clingy and demanding with time. However, I suspect that your husband may not...Flowers

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/07/2017 15:05

I bf DS till he was 3.5yrs old.
He is not attached to me in the slightest...in fact he much prefers Daddy to me at the moment.
We also co slept till he just turned 5...put him in his own bed and he has never woken in the night or got in with us excpet for a cuddle once.

We have such fucking skewed perceptions in this country about BF.
We have evolved a system whereby our children are comforted by the breast, they like the closeness, so fucking what?

Why the fuck is it acceptable to feed a 2 yr old milk from another mammal- milk designed for that mammal, but not feed it our own, also specifically designed milk, one that is actually tailored to them???

OnTheRise · 22/07/2017 15:07

I've read a lot of studies about long-term breastfeeding, and all says that it's good for the child's emotional and psychological development. So when your partner tells you it isn't, he's wrong.

If you look at similar mammals and consider how long they feed their infants for, in terms of age and development, it can be worked out that it's perfectly reasonable to breastfeed human infants until they are anything from two to seven years old.

What's important is that you do what's right for you and your baby.

I fed my children until they decided they'd had enough, which happened between three and a half and four and a half years old. It's a shame your husband isn't more supportive, but that's for him to deal with. If feeding is still working for you and your child keep doing it. There's plenty of time to not feed.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/07/2017 15:08

Oh and OP.
Your husband is
a) horrible for getting angry with you
b) creepy for watching you on the moniter
c) clearly not that intelligent if he doesn't realise the benefits to the child/that in other countries/all other species of mammal weaning till term (ie when the child decides) is fucking normal.

I think if both you and child are happy you should crack on.

coconutpie · 22/07/2017 15:09

The only two people who decide who stops bf now are you and your DC. Your husband has no authority over you and to say he's spying watching you on the monitor and no doubt giving out about you is disgusting behaviour. Tell him it's not up for discussion, you are the decision maker regarding this and if he has a problem, that is HIS problem and nobody else. He sounds horrible fine wants to deprive a child of a lovely source of comfort and nutrition just because he thinks he's the boss.

angelikacpickles · 22/07/2017 15:09

I think it's fair enough for him to express his opinion and give reasons why he would prefer you to stop. Ordering you to do what he says is a completely different matter and not on IMO.

coconutpie · 22/07/2017 15:10

Oh and while he may have an IQ of 174, he sounds really fucking stupid.

YorksMa · 22/07/2017 15:16

I'm really concerned about that word 'disobey' and the idea that his IQ means he can tell you what to do. You do what's right for you and your DD. Unless he's a professional specialist in child development his opinion means zilch in this situation.

InvisableLobstee · 22/07/2017 15:19

He sounds very bossy and opinionated, great qualities in a husband and father.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 22/07/2017 15:20

And I'm sorry but breast feeding a seven year old i do not feel is normal in any way shape nor form

It's not the cultural norm in this country. It is a biological norm for humans, and is the natural age at which children in other countries self-wean.

Your ignorance is showing.

howthelightgetsin · 22/07/2017 15:20

craftsy I love everything about your post.

Surely it's your decision and your DD's decision? If you both want to carry on it seems odd for your H to wade in announcing that actually it's time to stop something that is working well for bith parties concerned.

Expat but that's just the point - it IS the biological norm. It may not be what we normally see in our society but our bodies are geared up to be fed and then to feed beyond babyhood and toddlerhood.

TippyTinkleTrousers · 22/07/2017 15:23

What a load of shit.

'Disobay'

'He has a high IQ'?

2/10 for effort. Hmm

muchomo · 22/07/2017 15:23

Daily mail It is not the norm to greasy feed a child until 7 and I hope your not implying people from Africa do this, we do not.

In terms of the OP I think you should follow your instinct and continue however if your child is too clingy etc. Maybe you should consider gradual weaning and just feeding for comfort at bedtime etc. Your choice though

Lelloteddy · 22/07/2017 15:24

This is your and your daughters decision.

And him checking up on you via a monitor? Has he always been a creepy git?

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2017 15:24

Came across this article on feeding older children. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/09/breastfeeding-older-children

If a 7 yr old wants to feed and the mother is ok to do it in many cultures, it is perfectly acceptable. I don't think stopping earlier makes us more evolved, more judgemental I'd say.

muchomo · 22/07/2017 15:26

Can people quote which cultures breast feed their children until seven. The only time other cultures do this is when there is a lack of food source, stop making generalisations of what you don't know.

oblada · 22/07/2017 15:26

Natural weaning usually happens between 2 and 7yrs of age as far as I can recall, there is nothing wrong with breastfeeding until the child decides to stop. As pointed out before bf is the natural baseline.
My older DD stopped at 5 (although with a bit of encouragement - I was bf her sister and was pregnant with number 3 so it was a bit much for me.. I was a bit selfish there but after 5 yrs I felt it was OK). My younger one is still going strong at 3. Their bond with their father is not linked to bf and both are very much 'attached' to him. My first one is very confident and very social so clearly no 'damage' there. One of my friend was recently telling me her sons won't settle with their dad easily. They are 6 and 4 and not breastfed (now or ever). They are 'clingy' to her because that's how they are, the family dynamic etc bf is not relevant!!
You can ask him to read up on 'extended' breastfeeding and come back with evidence showing that you should stop or explain how it is currently detrimental to your daughter/family and then discuss further? Otherwise why stop something you both enjoy?

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 22/07/2017 15:27

Can some one answer my question?
Why is it ok for a human child to drink milk specifically designed for baby cows, but not drink milk designed for humans?

What age is fucking acceptable to keep bfing?

I can assure you after being fed for 3.5 years my child is not clingy at all in anyway, and in fact is confident and outgoing, and frankly as had enough of the sight of me! Grin

oblada · 22/07/2017 15:28

Muchomo - in many places across the world mothers bf until the child self weans which can be 7 yrs old. They just don't talk about it. I breastfed my daughter until she was 5 but I can't see how anyone except close friends and family or people asking would know about it...

oblada · 22/07/2017 15:30

Also - breastfeeding is much more than a food source. Maybe the words we used should be changed. It is a relationship with the child, it provides food yes but after age 1 or so it is slowly less about food and more about other things: comfort, immunity, a bond with mum etc.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 22/07/2017 15:31

For contrast, OP, here are some things that might affect you but ultimately, you don't get to decide:

whether or not your dh has a vasectomy
if he changes his job
if he goes on a diet if he's overweight
if he stops/starts smoking
he decides to become a vegan/eat only raw cow
if decides he doesn't want another baby but you do

Not all of those things might apply to your dh, but they do for lots of couples. And sometimes the choice is not whether to 'allow' the other person to take up morris dancing/join the WI/vote UKIP, the choice is whether to stay with them or not.

I am not remotely saying LTB because he might be marvellous in other ways, for all I know. It's just not his decision to make, ultimately, any more than it would be his decision for you to breastfeed at all, if you had decided against it. He should have a say, it's worth listening to him, he just doesn't get the final say.

Absofrigginlootly · 22/07/2017 15:34

www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs342/en/

Absofrigginlootly · 22/07/2017 15:35

^^ for anyone uninformed enough to say there are no benefits to bf a 2 year old

Golightly133 · 22/07/2017 15:35

Absolutely no need to be breastfeeding at aged 2, I think the dads opinion on this is just as valid as yours and you are being blinkered and selfish not listening to him. Humans do not need to be breast fed Beyond 12 months it's mothers who won't let go. I breast fed all 3 of mine till the started solids and had them weaned by 6
Months. I know I will get slated but that's how I feel.

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