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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't Iike cooking for me

150 replies

OverTheHammer · 21/07/2017 23:06

We both work so share the cooking but lately DH has been against cooking for me because I've become vegetarian and because I need to know exactly what he's put in my meals so that I can count the calories.

Yesterday he made me veggie steak, chips and mushroom sauce but got cross when I asked exactly how many onions and how many mushrooms were used in my meal so that I could work out the calories. He says it's all too much and he'd rather not do it.

Is this justified?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 22/07/2017 00:13

From what else you've posted, YABU. Your approach to food is unusually controlled. If you want others to cook for you, you have to accept they won't go to this extreme level. It isn't normal.

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 22/07/2017 00:15

I accept that now, I'll cook my own meals. DH shouldn't need to worry about all this.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 22/07/2017 00:16

DH shouldn't need to worry about all this.

He should be worrying about you, though, and strongly encouraging you to get professional help.

IamAporcupine · 22/07/2017 00:18

TathitiPete are you married to my husband?! Confused

gingergenius · 22/07/2017 00:18

Onions and mushrooms are free veges so don't count. You only need to know how much oil he's used. If you're worried, get a spray oil and that way you know what's been used!

allthingslipsticks · 22/07/2017 00:20

YABU.

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 22/07/2017 00:21

They do count, everything has calories in, everything counts. Nothing is calorie free. That's just a marketing ploy slimming world use

OP posts:
gingergenius · 22/07/2017 00:22

Then I would suggest that you need to talk to someone. That attitude to food is not healthy. I was there once.

FunctionalAnatomy · 22/07/2017 00:24

I'm surprised and a little concerned at posters thinking counting calories is disordered. Personally since I started counting calories (yonks ago) I seem to enjoy my food more/have a healthier attitude. Knowing you can "afford" some chocolate and enjoy it guilt-free is great. I find that much easier and also easier to stop (!) than when trying to work out whether 2 or 3 (or 20) biccies are acceptable... Now I am worried I am disordered. Confused

Porpoises Its not necessary to count calories if you don't have a weight problem.

Sometimes prevention is better than cure... it's so irritiaitng when people say thing along the lines of "Oh, you don't need to worry, you're slim" - erm I'm slim (ish!) because I keep an eye on what I eat. (Was always just into overweight category as a child/teen and do put on weight quite easily). It's annoying when people add lashings of unnecessary cream/butter etc to things, because they don't seem to care about their weight or are men with fast metabolisms so don't worry. Surely efforts to look after your health including maintaining a healthy weight should be encouraged by partners?

Feeling anxious and aiming for a 500 cal deficit sounds a bit unhealthy but I am Shock at the general attittude here!

LinoleumBlownapart · 22/07/2017 00:28

Stay in the kitchen, input all the ingredients into a fitness app that will calculate the calories per portion for you, and voila no need to be annoying.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/07/2017 00:30

I'm sorry but the others are right.

You talk about being unhappy with the stress, needing to be in control, feeling like shit and guilty if you go over your allowance, that absolute fear of putting weight on....none of that is normal.

The control thing in particular is a very big indicator of an eating disorder.

Look at it like this....if you see someone about it and they tell you that everything is fine then you have lost nothing have you? But if they tell you otherwise then they can help you stop it impacting your life.

Yes there are calories in everything but no weight loss consultant or dietician would tell you to count to the last 22 calories, they really wouldnt. That alone should tell you that there is a problem surely?

TathitiPete · 22/07/2017 00:33

Functional As I said some people can count calories and weigh their food and be okay and not be obsessed. Probably even most people. But some people can't. It's more about the anxiety that goes alongside the restrictions and the fear of anything less than 100% control. This is why people are concerned about the OP.

porcupine I don't know but mine is here a lot so I doubt it Smile

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/07/2017 00:35

Functional

Its not keeping an eye on her diet though, its obsession and the feelings she talks about when she goes over even by a little bit that suggest disordered eating. Prevention is indeed better than cure, but not to the point where mushrooms in a sauce are the difference between a good day and bad one. Or doing three types of exercise in one day to get a tiny handful of m&m's.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/07/2017 00:37

I am also concerned with "I look fatter than I sound. No one with a BMI of 21 will look fat. They might not look skinny but not fat at all. Saying you look even a tiny bit fat is very worrying in terms of how you view yourself and your size.

squishysquirmy · 22/07/2017 00:41

Is this a MFP thing?
I started that a few years ago, as some guys at work were raving about it. I found it awful - it encourages obsessive thinking over food, imo. I know that some people can cope with it fine and find it very helpful to lose weight, but I think a lot can't, and even if you can, don't you find it horribly boring and time consuming? I think it is initially useful for people who have no idea what a real portion size looks like, to get into the habit of smaller portions and not kidding ourselves with cheeky snacks etc, but once you've established good habits, stop the obsessive calorie tracking. Otherwise, you've really got to watch that it doesn't take over. And if you're stressing about the number of mushrooms you eat, it is taking over!

Lynnm63 · 22/07/2017 00:48

I wouldn't cook for you either. Your relationship with food isn't normal.

haveacupoftea · 22/07/2017 00:50

When the small amount of calories in mushrooms and onions takes precedence over harmony in your loving relationship then yes you have a problem.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2017 01:00

If you don't have an eating disorder you could compromise. As many others have said, onions and mushrooms are hardly high calorie- can you set two 'cheat dinners' a week where your husband can cook something which has a veggie option but not count the ingredients? That sounds very reasonable to me.

Ceebs85 · 22/07/2017 01:12

YABU. No-one ever got fat eating onions and mushrooms. I wouldn't want to cook for you either.

ExplodedCloud · 22/07/2017 01:22

You are 5 inches taller than me and weigh a couple of pounds less than me. I am at the top end of normal. Ypu are plainly well within normal if not tending to the lower end.
You are weighing chocolate to eat but shifting the argument to onions. That in itself shouts 'issues'.

Smitff · 22/07/2017 01:27

Mushrooms and onions are basically water and fiber. If you're counting the calories in them, you're micromanaging your diet to such an extent that you've probably thrown nutrition out the window.

AuntMarch · 22/07/2017 01:34

Could you weigh/count/prep for him to then cook? Or could you estimate the veg and just ask him to count the denser stuff on his nights? Any discrepancy would be minimal and you'll soon get good at judging by eye.

crapatpickingnames · 22/07/2017 01:59

Wow, why does everything have to labelled a disorder. Sometimes its just preference. Trying to convince someone they have a disorder when (I assume) most of you are not qualified to can be quite dangerous, actually. (Self fulfilling prophecy?)

OP its probably easier if you just prep your own food and get him to cook it? Saves having to ask all the questions but also he still technically cooks for you.

potatoscowls · 22/07/2017 02:00

Calorie counting in itself is not bad or disordered. Feeling anxious or guilty or like you have to "earn" food by exercise is, however, disordered. 1500 or so calories for gym, tennis and swimming in one day is concerning.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/07/2017 03:11

"I asked exactly how many onions and how many mushrooms were used in my meal"
And you need to be exact? Can't use an estimate?

Mushrooms are 6 calories/oz, onions are 12. They are low calorie foods, why is an estimate not close enough? Does the thought of being 10-20 calories 'out' cause you a problem? Fussing over low-calorie veg when you're happy to eat 150 calories of chocolate - no, sorry, it's not the ingested calories, it's the level of detail you're determined to oversee here that has caught people's attention.

The reason people are saying your eating is disordered is because of this need to count to the exact calorie. Confirmed by your saying "I have a morbid fear of ever having a weight problem".

I know, I have been there, albeit many years ago now. I counted obsessively because my life had spun out of control and the only thing I felt in charge of was what went in my mouth. Focussing on the food and its calories was a distraction, a coping strategy; if I'm thinking of the food I'm not thinking about what is making me so unhappy.

No, your husband doesn't like cooking for you, and that is not unreasonable of him. You are treating his cooking as 'the enemy', demanding it identify itself. Either cook yourself, or estimate a little. And consider whether you should do anything about your morbid fear, and what's driving it.