To think actually no my dd doesn't need to learn letters at 3

[Nicpem1982]

My dd is 3 in September, and mil was asking for present ideas this evening. The budget is silly so have asked her for a couple of small educational toys and some school shoes and remaineder into savings as don't want a house full of toys

Told her what we've bought mainly STEM based toys and games to which mil replied

"She needs to concentrate on letters from her birthday not just science and nature (my dd is a huge fan) she'll be behind if she can't read for reception"

I'm in no rush for my dd to read and write we encourage her interests (for the record she has fun toys to but she shows little interest in anything outside of the following

Nature hunts
Mud pie making
Playing on the park and generally being outside
Playing with her toys (mainly Lego, dinosaurs, board games, small world imaginative play)
Arts and crafts

For the record I have an excellent relationship with my mil but this has really irritated me, I don't want my dd forced into reading until she is ready the issue is my mil covers a large portion of our child care I'm now worried that she will start forcing her to try and learn to read and my dd will lose the love of books she has

Aibu to be irritated and think let my dd be herself at her own pace or should she be learning to read?

My just turned 4yr old will be starting reception in September and has been at the prescholol attached to the school. They are not expected to be able to read and write any more than their name when they start. My son has learnt letters and sounds and has recently started to of blend if pushed but is more likely just to guess based on the first letter.

They do fairly intense phonics once they start preschool. IMO it is better for parents to focus on all the non- literacy and maths based stuff that is being pushed out of schools because of the excessive focus on these, partly because of SATs.

So YANBU for those two separate reasons!

Still I have four children aged between six and zero, including one of two and a half. Out of all of their many friends, I know of one who could recognise letters at two. He could recognise the letter 'o' which was the first letter of his name. So no, it's is not the norm for a two-year-old to recognise and identify letters. But you already know this, you're just being obtuse.

She didn't use the word "force" no but what she will essentially do is focus all of the activities at her house around learning to read.

I have no objection to her having literacy toys at her house as long as there are other options and dd gets to chose when/if these activities take place.

Obviously we support dd in her interests and if that interest is letters/reading then we roll up our sleeves and get it done but at the min it's just not (but she can tell you what a t-Rex eats for dinner 😂 And recognise most species of monkeys)

I would assume she can identify the letters and numbers by now though?

Really? I am quite surprised a two year old is expected to recognise that much. Crikey mine is 3.5 and knows some numbers, a few letters maybe. They have a few games which have letters on them, that's enough. My eldest knew her letters when she went to school at almost 5 but couldn't read or write for toffee. She's just hit exceeding in most of her areas for year R. I think kids have their own quite effective way of exploring the world without being schooled before they need to be.

I agree. I think children only need a school setting and school type work once they're 5.

Sounds really annoying. YA definitely NBU.

Children need to be able to recognise their Name, including Surname, in appropriate upper and lower case, before they start school. All other reading is optional.

It's far to easy for parents/carers to 'mist each' modern phonics which would make reception confusing.

You could tell your MIL that schools often suggest it's useful for kids to be able to recognise their own name when they start (for finding their peg) but nothing more. If you know which school she's likely to go to you might even be able to find this in writing on their website in information for new parents. But I wouldn't worry too much about your MIL trying to teach her when she has her, she's unlikely to do any harm, especially if you're not pushing it at home. Might be worth reminding MIL that the school will probably start by teaching letter sounds, not names.

YANBU.
I have a similar problem.

My dd is 3, and has been able to recognise numbers and letters for a while, but that is because she watches too much alphablocks showed an interest, and we gently encouraged her. I have tried to gently introduce the idea of phonics and sounding out the words as we read, but at this stage if I sense she is getting bored of that I back off. She is so good at sensing when someone is trying to force a teaching moment. Like you, I don't want to ruin her love of books by making it all feel like a chore!

We read loads of books together, and I try to keep any "teaching" exciting. (Sometimes, when we're on a nature walk or something I'll pick up a stick and say "wow, this looks just like a letter Y!!" etc) which works quite well. I thought this was plenty....

DM, on the other hand, keeps turning phone conversations onto the topic of "flash cards". I can tell she is deeply concerned that dd is not being taught enough. I don't even think she is worried that dd will fall behind - she wants dd to be ahead of everyone else (especially, I suspect, her friends grand kids), it annoys the heck out of me.

My just turned 4yo recognises the 5 letters in her name, nothing else. I'm not worried, if she doesn't recognise letters when she's 10 I'll maybe be concerned but I find it amusing that some people seem to think that if they don't know letters by age 2 they'll never know them! FGS that's what school is for!

I think you have to show children stuff to awaken their interest in things. If they don't know it's there how can they become interested in things?
She might find literacy stuff interesting.
Mine were fascinated in letters and numbers pre school. From three they do phonics at school. Mine could certainly read quite a few words before reception. It seemed to just happen. I can't say I taught them to read.

I think you are right to be led by your DD's interest at this stage.

I was taught to read by my mother at 3, my father could apparently read just before he was 3; but my own DS1 had zero interest in learning letters or numbers before he went to preschool at 4 (not UK). However, once at preschool he picked it all up very quickly, and could write and recognise his own name and most letters by the time he went to school at 5.

DS2 has been much quicker, although he still can't actually read - but he has been able to count to 20 since he was about 2 which shocked me (he couldn't separate 15 and 16 until he was 2.5 though). At 4.5 he can count to 100 and write his own name, but he still doesn't know all his letters. He is interested though, so it won't be long!

DS1 is now 9 and a fluent reader who reads for pleasure. I feel very happy about this, and glad that I didn't put him off by forcing the issue when he was 3, just for my sake. (Of course he may still have been a good reader now if I had forced it, but he might not have.)

Surely the best way to encourage reading in a three year old is to ummm.... read lots to them? Where I am (not U.K.) children start school at four but don't even start learning to read until 6. When we were looking round a school I asked if we should be doing anything at home and the teacher said no, some children do come able to recite the abc song, but that this is basically meaningless when it comes to reading/writing. It's a nice song and it does no harm but it doesn't really mean anything more than being able to sing any other song by heart...

Ps my three year old is very interested in the concept of reading and writing but it goes as far as pointing at random letters and saying that's o, that's m (generally it isn't) and "writing" a squiggle on a piece of paper and asking me what it says. Oh, and retreating to a corner to "read" his book (and getting really cross if I try to tell him it's upside down)

OP, I did the same as you, followed my DD's interests. At 2-3, she loved books and being read to, but showed no interest whatsoever in decoding them herself. When she started reception at 4, she could recognise a handful of letters and write her (very short) name. She learned to read in reception.

She turned 8 a few weeks ago and just finished Y3, and is now reading Harry Potter and Wimpy Kid like every other 8 year old in the land. So, in the long run, does it really matter?

If they're interested, great, teach them. If they're not, wait for the right time for them.

If your mother-in-law did try to encourage your daughter to read, would she stop if your daughter was unhappy? Does she have your daughter's best interests at heart?

You get (presumably free) childcare three days a week, and unlike most others I think YABU to dictate how your mother-in-law can spend that time. If you don't trust her not to upset your daughter, then you shouldn't be leaving your daughter with her. If you do trust her, then don't dig your heels in because Grandma wants to help her granddaughter learn to read.

Myself children couldn't read at all until they started reception. They went to preschool in the school's early years unit, which made no effort to teach reading or writing, but rather to develop listening and speech and motor skills and being able to concentrate and work independently and in a group and use their imagination and solve problems.

Both DC are now reading well ahead of what is expected for their age.

If in her three days she wants to do some letter stuff, why not. My dad taught me at about 2.5, and I stayed ahead of my peer group throughout primary school. It won't do any harm and if your kid is bright and interested she'll enjoy it. Just make sure your MIL uses current techniques as my OH has given our DD a confusing mix of upper and lower cases and though she's going to be ahead of her peer group, her poor teacher is going to have to spend some time straightening that out first. The books are fairly cheap. We had sticky bath letters, just for fun. DD knew "her" special letter and a few others from 12 months, just because they were around. I love solo reading so I truly think that this is a great gift you can give a child. If your MIL has the time and energy, it's a great gift that she could give your daughter: don't be too negative and concentrate on the academics - reading is crucial for personal development (and she won't get far in STEM without it!)

I started 'teaching' the dc their phonics from about 18 months. Along with colours and animals and numbers and how things worked and everything else.

We had flash cards with phonics and played matching games, sounding them out as we played...obviously it was just me sounding them at first but it's amazing how quickly they picked it up. I honestly think we don't give dc enough credit for what they're capable of at really young ages tbh.

Teaching phonics early through play doesn't mean you're pushy because to them it's just another game...and IME, the younger you start making them an every day part of life, the easier they'll find it. Both of my older dc knew and could sound out all their phonics by age 3 and were competent readers by age 4. No, it's not essential and they could have waited and been at the same eventual level..but it does no harm either.

Some children who are three years old now will be starting reception in six weeks time. It would be handy (though not essential) for them to have basic letter recognition skills, and a general idea of the alphabet.

Clearly if your child is two years behind that timetable then there's no need to think about it at all.

I haven't read the whole thread, just the original post.
I run a nursery. We do no letter until the final half term before they go to reception, unless an individual child shows an interest/asks. You are completely right. At 3 children learn best through play and being able to run with their own interests. Not flash cards and adult directed (boring) focussed time.
Moving away from more structured planning is becoming quite a thing in early years!

Oh and I just spotted this as I scrolled up the page;

"Just make sure your MIL uses current techniques as my OH has given our DD a confusing mix of upper and lower cases and though she's going to be ahead of her peer group, her poor teacher is going to have to spend some time straightening that out first."

I agree and would also add it's really important she actually models the right sounds. "Unteaching" is difficult for both adult and child.

My daughter taught herself to start reading at three by watching Sesame Street. I did too, according to relatives. My other two were interested in letters and numbers at that age, but I didn't push them either. I think that's the trick - it's age-appropriate for them to start being interested at that age. They will also "copy" your writing and start coloring and painting. As long as it's fun, where's the problem?

You're right to be led by your DD's interests.

Though personally I don't think learning letters early is a bad thing - if the child is interested. I always loved stories as a young child and was reportedly starting to read words by 2.5 and was reading fairly well by 3. Starting school just after turning 4 I had the reading age of a 9 year old.

I still love reading.

If my DC shows interest in books I'd absolutely support them in learning how to read before starting school, but I wouldn't do anything just because someone else thinks I should!

Is it possible to be too young to be reading? I can't see the harm in your daughter being cleverer than she needs to be. I was reading well before reception, and I ended up at Cambrsidge and in a really well paid profession I love. What are ya afraid of?

You do t have a monopoly on good ideas - don't let pride of misplaced insecurity get in the way of mil helping your daughter be clever.