Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

[betteroffwithouthim]

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

Wow, eight days however will you cope.

You do realise your partner is a parent 24/7. Never understand the moaning when you chose a man who had children.

If some enterprising person set up weekend kennels for undivorced parent to send their children to for a break they would make a fortune.

Umm, like a babysitter?

Oh AND you said before that you'd leave him if you had somewhere to go, the relationship itself clearly isn't doing well. So find somewhere else, and put everyone out of their misery! And yes, I've been a step-parent. Many years ago, but I still feel like one. We are still in regular contact - all of us, 11 years later. I'll be going to her graduation next year. With my husband and kids, plus her mum and step-dad, and of course her dad (my ex) and his wife and their kids. Guess what, I didn't treat her like an inconvenient intruder, or badmouth her mother. Hence the harmony. She has been such a joy in all of our lives, awkward moments and all. We've all had to let go of our own selfish traits, and work together for her. It really benefits nobody in this situation to be self centered and mean spirited - and children deserve as much love and understanding as they can get. Not so much now, as she's at university, but when she was younger and my husband would do something or other for her if I was unavailable and so were her parents, someone would always ask how he could stand being involved. Why does he put up with his wife's ex's kid???? Or "she's got a dad, he should do xyz" even if he was on the other side of the country and just genuinely couldn't. His response was always something along the lines of, she's just a little kid and my ego is irrelevant. One of the reasons I love my husband so much.

I genuinely do not understand why someone who feels the way you do would ever entertain a relationship with somebody who has children. Did you hope he'd become some kind of dead beat dad and the novelty of being a parent would wear off? He sounds like he is happy to spend as much time as possible with his children which is as it should be. If you don't like it then perhaps it is time to move on?

Stop misdirecting your anger and frustration at your dead relationship and just end it already.

My DH is a step dad to my DC and he has had them with us almost all of the time. Their DD only sees youngest one night every other weekend if he is not too busy and eldest refuses to see his DD. I would not want to be with a person who would not accept my children and their right to be with me when they wanted to be. I understand his X has changed her plans but I honestly think your step children have a right to see their DD and expect his care whenever they want. I can imagine it must be hard as a step mom but you knew he had kids before you married him. Are you frustrated about anything else? The amount of money he pays for his kids or the time and attention he gives them when they are with you? You sound jealous. You may have kids with him one day and then you will value he is a committed Dad. You have all summer why not book a holiday together after they have gone back to their Mom. Really 8 days out of the whole holidays is not a lot. In your place I would be offering to take them on holiday with us for a couple of weeks.

Good luck with this. Every step parenting thread I have ever posted on here has led to me being abused.

I empathise with you and have no answers but going out (alone) helps me a lot!

I think that you should end your relationship. You don't respect your partner and you find his children a drag.

I do agree that it's a bit unusual to work only 12 hours a week when your kids are at secondary school but that's no reason to call her a witch or to imply that she can't possibly be tired.

She works 12 hours because she had the children min-fri during the day so works less so she can look after her and your partners children. They are teenagers, they don't need looking after round the clock do they.

They were not always teenagers were they?

Hi,

I really don't get the attitude to the OP. She has the kids 6/14 days term time and op/dp work ft. Exw only works 12 hours and needs a break. They are not babies. ExW sounds precious and she is the one making the kids feel unwanted.

@Buthewasstillhungry I suspect the OP would have had a less brutal reception if she hadn't slagged the mum off and called her DH a spineless wanker for choosing to see his kids! Step parenting is hard and everyone has the right to some free time and a bit of R&R but the OP was hostile and snarling and I suspect that's what got people's backs up. It did mine, but I'm trying not to respond with equal hostility because this is a real person with a real problem.

it's very unimaginative to be gurning about how she can't be tired because she only works 12 hours a week. People can be tired for all sorts of reasons not just the number of hours they work! She could have insomnia, she could have health problems, she could be having a really stressful time in work or in her personal life or with the teens ( because teens are so easy right??) and just gotten to a point where she needs a break. It's not really any of OPs business what has cause do her to be tired and need a break.

It literally doesn't matter at all what problem you write and how you phrase it. If you're a step mother with a problem on Mumsnet someone has a massive go at you and assumes that you're a bitch.

It touches a nerve.

This is s great forum for nearly all aspects of life but not step parenting. Us step parents are violently shoved into our fairy tale wicked step mother shaped holes and told to shut up.

'Sad really but there it is' Quoth Nanny McPhee!

I'm happy to stick up for step mums (I've been one) but describing a woman you've never met in such derogatory terms as OP did is never going to cover you in glory. Not everyone on here is part of a lynch mob just as not all step parents are deserving of vitriol.

Poor kids bring passed around like they are unwanted. If the parents were still together they would have to live with them full time. So 365 days in a row. Not 8.

Not a nice post op but I can see you point about the laziness...12 hours is not much so I'm guessing she enjoys week days to herself in term time and wants the same in the hols? This is lazy. Dad should do an equal share though and nice for him to have a chunk of time with the kids in the hols.

Your point

Why post this in AiBU? Were you just looking a ruck?

So this is the same person who posted a thread Life Goal Posts moved saying partner was getting angry with her cos she didn't want kids. Everyone thought she was at risk but clearly reading both posts he just wants his kids. My advice the other day is the same. He wants his kids and you clearly do not. Time to sling your hook and start over. Sorry. Shit happens, at least next time you will definitely know you really don't want a bloke with kids.

Why are you the one looking after them when they are at their dads house op?

mrsdv she probably started to work p/t hours when the children were young. I'm pretty sure they weren't always teenagers. She has saved her husband a packet in childcare fees as he would be liable for at least half if she had worked full time.

They were not always teenagers were they? Presumably she didn't sign a contract that committed her to 12 hrs a week for life.

Oh dear
I think the problem is that you signed up to be with a man who has his children eow and 2 days in the week.
What you didn't understand is that they are his children, they are not commodities to be passed from pillar to post.
I think a man wanting to spend more time with his children is something to be admired.
If my partner started to complain about his ex asking him to have the kids more often I'd kick him to the kerb. Not a nice quality.

Not sure why everyone is fixated on the exw working 12 hours and saying that's lazy! It could be a school job, it could be something she's had for years and worries that she might not do better? It could be that sh has had that job so she can be around for school runs and after school and hasn't moved on yet? There are a million reasons why she might only work 12 hours pw and without the full story and her commentary it's a bit unkind to just assume she's lazy!!! She may well be. She may not be. She might do other things that the OP doesn't know about. Why make a judgement that she's lazy without the full facts????