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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

503 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 15:52

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 21/07/2017 17:59

I think that this relationship isn't going to work out, there is nothing wrong with throwing in the towel when you realise it's an incompatible situation. They are his kids and I suspect he actually likes his kids being around, you don't.

Call it a day or one of you move into your own space where you can date him casually without having to worry about his kids.

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 21/07/2017 18:04

If they are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves why is it such a hassle to have them at yours?
This^
You can't both think its too much for you to have them for 8 nights in a row, and that their DM shouldn't need a break at all.
He's their father, having them over isn't a favour to her, its still a hell of a lot less than 50% parenting!

poweredbybread · 21/07/2017 18:06

Am I right in thinking you are the same person who put a very similar post from a different angle just a couple of days ago?

Aquathest · 21/07/2017 18:07

Well done to your DP for continuing to put DC first.

OP - There is no reason to hate anyone simply for being a SP.

In any case, you chose to be in a relationship knowing your DP already had children and now expect those children's needs and your DPs responsibilities to come second to your wants... therefore I would use the term 'parent' (step or otherwise) very loosely to describe you.

Serialweightwatcher · 21/07/2017 18:08

Think yourself lucky they're teenagers and can basically look after themselves - would you still be with him if he had much younger children that you'd actually have to do something for if they stayed? They're his kids and he should have them half the time - whether the mother is lazy or not has no relevance

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2017 18:08

You don't know for sure if she's exhausted or not. Some women never recover back to their former selves from before they carried a child and gave birth. I certainly never did. You have no concept of this.

If it's that bad with your partner, just leave rent a room. You don't need a house or flat to yourself.

redrobinblue · 21/07/2017 18:08

Think how much you were looking forward to that one night (out of 8) just to have to yourself, no kids, get a takeaway, relax etc.

That's how she feels - multiplied.

suck it up. And in your next life, don't get with a man who has children.

(I am a step mother)

themauvehen · 21/07/2017 18:10

I think you've been treated harshly here.
Your thread title probably attracted the step mum haters!

I will never understand why step Mums are expected to step up whilst Mums "have a rest". Dads are often expected to financially provide and do more than a fair share of "childcare".

What are Mums expected to do here?!

All parents want a "rest". That doesn't mean a step mum should just pick up the slack particularly if she has a full time job because she doesn't have kids!

mygorgeousmilo · 21/07/2017 18:13

Unbearably immature OP. How you can call a woman you've never met a witch.... those poor kids having to spend time with a self-obsessed misery like you. How many threads are you going to start about these kids, in the hope that the MN collective will agree that you are some sort of victim of circumstance?! Nobody has agreed with you so far. You need to address your mindset, or leave.

NotWeavingButDarning · 21/07/2017 18:13

Shock, horror! Man is expected to look after own children for 8 whole days in a row!

Luckily your DP sounds a lot nicer than you OP. Maybe you're not really the right person for this SM gig?

JaneEyre70 · 21/07/2017 18:14

Why are you in a relationship with a man with children? They are always going to come first, not you. You either accept that, or you walk away. And don't think it will end when they are 18 - there will always be times when they need him, grandchildren etc. Why put yourself through that and be miserable? I don't think you're a bad person for posting this, just an unhappy one and only you can choose how to deal with that.

19lottie82 · 21/07/2017 18:14

I'm a Stepmum and you sound like a total dick.

What would you do if circumstances changed and your and your husband had to have the kids full time?

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2017 18:18

I will never understand why step Mums are expected to step up whilst Mums "have a rest"

She absolutely doesn't need to step up. She does need to not try to prevent a father seeing and taking responsibility for his children, but she herself is free to leave, and in this circumstance, based on her other threads, she should just get on and do so and not cause this family any more damage.

AdoraBell · 21/07/2017 18:24

OP you married a parent. And as PlinkytheFairy pointed out, the kids know how you feel about them.

Either accept that your DH will have his children more often, or extricate yourself from the situation.

40andFat · 21/07/2017 18:24

Let's hope they dont want to come and live with you full time at any point!!! Seriously though it's not about the kids really is it it's just a situation you can't control as their not your kids so you don't really get a say. If your like me and I'm not a step mum but I do have 3 kids and I just hate any situation I don't have a say in it pisses me right off. But still rise above it you have to really.

AvoidingCallenetics · 21/07/2017 18:24

themauvehen, no one has told the OP that she has to do all the childcare while the dc's mum sips cocktails on the beach! I think most of us would expect their dad to be looking after them.
OP's main gripe seems to be that she has to have them in the house at all over the normal agreed contact. She seems to be ignoring that perhsps her dp actually wants to see more of his kids and that their mum is entitled to share the looking after with their other parent!
It's nothing to do with the OP really - she is pissed that her dp has told her to butt out!

MeanAger · 21/07/2017 18:27

OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that

Why is he even having to argue with anyone about why he is having his kids in his house? They're his children, he doesn't have to justify wanting to see them. The minute I found myself having to explain to a partner why I was having my own children they would find themselves single.

LazySusan11 · 21/07/2017 18:34

Step mum here..you lost me at a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch

He's currently a part time dad, he should have his kids more often including the holidays. I'm afraid you'll have to put the kids first.

GinaFordCortina · 21/07/2017 18:35

Maybe he's not a "spineless wanker" but just likes having his kids around?
Couldn't put possibly be that he nust just be a spinelsss wanker.

Redken24 · 21/07/2017 18:37

Your OH is lucky. He gets to see his children other men aren't so lucky. You don't seem very supportive of a man that has children - they will always be his kids - will you be his partner?

SummerMummy88 · 21/07/2017 18:37

I understand that you want a bit of time for yourself I don't think you are unreasonable they are not your kids, but they are your husbands and he does need to do more during the holidays, when you married you husband you took on his kids to a degree also.

ShinyTamatoa · 21/07/2017 18:38

I wonder if his chikdren know how you feel about having them around. My stepmum hated me and would have said the exact same things as you about my own mother. It didn't make for a very nice childhood and I can't remember the last time I spoke to my father.

crazykitten20 · 21/07/2017 18:41

You are having your step kids for EIGHT days in the whole of the summer holidays? That's ALL?

PurpleMinionMummy · 21/07/2017 18:44

If you work 60 hours a week you must barely see them anyway. It's not like teens really need looking after either. Especially the 16/17 yo.

viques · 21/07/2017 18:44

you do realise that were you and your OH to have your own children you would get to have them 24/7 for eighteen years? It is called parenting, clearly you have not understood the concept and your OH is struggling with it too.

(If some enterprising person set up weekend kennels for undivorced parent to send their children to for a break they would make a fortune...........)

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