Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

[betteroffwithouthim]

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

abilockhart just realised i'd read one of ops threads the other week too

@serfterf

I am always the first to defend a fellow step parent when they are in the right, but this takes the piss and is the reason any needs to defend a step mum

OP = it's a HUGE mistake to post anything about step DC or step parents in AIBU

Better to post in Step-Parenting.

However, I suspect you'd have still got a flaming on that board.

I wish my ex would help out more with my dc's during the holidays. It makes me angry that fathers fight for equal rights yet they don't want to provide extraduring holidays. I have my dc's for the next 6 weeks, their father will see them for one day a week with no sleep overs, I have asked him for extra support but he says he has to work, I work part time (12 hours a week) as well as entertaining 2 dc's with activities, day trips and days at home, I have no time to myself, no time to socialise and I am exhausted. Why shouldn't their father have them for 50% of school holidays after all he helped make them?
Yes you both work it they are teens and they can hang out at yours some of the time or you can find them things to do ( the same as if they were at home). Sorry OP but you are being unreasonable and very judgemental towards their mother.

Hang on, they chose for her to be a sahm. I suspect his career has benefitted from that arrangement. Too right she is entitled to spousal support - when she became a sahp it was on the understanding that he would support the family financially. Divorce doesn't negate that obligation.
Now 50/50 over the holidays is fair. She is a parent, not a slave. Spousal support is not buying a right to dictate how she spends her time.
Obviously you are entitled to child free time but so is she.

coldflange the OP knows and posts in AIBU despite having been advised this last time. I think she likes the argument, hence the provocative thread title.

hey are his and her kids, not mine!!!! I work 60 hours a week, she works 12, why can't she look after her own kids?

Wow. You are totally missing the point they are THEIR kids. They are not just hers. He has as much responsibility as she does.

The question is why you should you be involved. I suspect they are all quietly asking that question.

However to the question of why both the father and mother should raise their kids as equally and fairly as possibly is because they love them and have a responsibility and want to.

The answer as to why they should permit you to be involved is the one no one knows. You can chose to walk.and your husband can too. Neither that father or the mother should permit you to continue to be involved.

I'm a stepmum and I think you're being ridiculous. I would jump at the opportunity for my DSD to be here for 8 days (we have an EOW and 2 weeknights arrangement too). I had the absolute time of my life when she was here for 18 nights when her mum was on her (bloody well deserved) honeymoon.

Whilst you're at it, stop whinging about their mum being lazy and exhausted. You have no idea what is going on with her.

If he has them 6 nights out of 14 and presumably pays maintenance, I'm sure his ex can't live on 12 hrs work a week, then I think he is doing his share.

Yes, that's what I said. Something close to his share.
I posted this before I saw the OPs update that they were in fact having them for more than just the 8 nights over the summer holidays.

OP, this isn't about who's right and who's wrong. This is about you and what you want for your happy life.

Your dp has kids and is manning up to his responsibilities which is only right.

It sounds like this isn't a match for you as it's not what you want for your life. That's OK too!

I think you need to stop trying to wrestle this situation to the ground in an attempt to force it into being something else. Accept it as it is.

@wheresthel1ght

I literally opened the thread, read as far as your post and thought "Well where's against her. Case closed".

and now we have a MAN being slated for not having them enough... Im literally baffled

Is it all the same posters on both threads?
Is the MAN on this thread really being slated or is it the OP?
Have you read any threads where a woman is trying to control what a non res father does with his kids while they are with him?

I guess I probably know the answer to this already but why do some posters insist on trying to force an anti man agenda onto MN when its simply not the case? Bit like the OP pretending that everyone hates SPs I suppose. It means they can dismiss anyone who doesn't agree with them as prejudiced.

Haha @serfterf does that make me some sort of Mumsnet 👑 royalty?!

You must be

Hang on, they chose for her to be a sahm. I suspect his career has benefitted from that arrangement. Too right she is entitled to spousal support - when she became a sahp it was on the understanding that he would support the family financially. Divorce doesn't negate that obligation.
Now 50/50 over the holidays is fair. She is a parent, not a slave. Spousal support is not buying a right to dictate how she spends her time.
Obviously you are entitled to child free time but so is she.

This!

Ah - I missed that rainybo

It sounds like this isn't a match for you as it's not what you want for your life. That's OK too!
I think you need to stop trying to wrestle this situation to the ground in an attempt to force it into being something else.
This op.
Not everyone is cut out to being with a person with kids, that's ok!
You are not happy.
You are going to be even more miserable if you keep this up, and will make everyone else more miserable.
You can start again.

Op, I've just read your other threads and it seems you realise the relationship is over. You're only there because you can't afford to rent someplace else as you have stated.

You've been very clear if the kids lived with him you'd never have even agreed to meet with him in the first place and it was game over I'd they ever moved in as you didn't want to be a step parent. Fair enough.

Instead of trying to dictate he can't see his children, and throwing abuse about, just find yourself somewhere else to live and in the meantime facilitate his relationship with his children as you are not part of their future so don't need to cause damage now.

I am hoping that your OH sees the bitterness in you swiftly and leaves you behind.

You're not good for him, you're not good for his kids.

Selfish.

I'm so thankful my ds1 doesn't have a stepmother like you. She has him still 50% of the time even if his dad has to be away a few nights for work.

I'm a step mum and YABU

Here's the deal ther not HER children they are the product of BOTH PARENTS! I think you might be a bit dim if you can't understand that!

She works 12 hours because she had the children min-fri during the day so works less so she can look after her and your partners children. So you work 60 hours well done you lets all applaud you. You aren't a full time single parent so what right do you have to decide if she is tired or not. You have a partner to fall back on she does not (or you haven't mentioned it).

Maintenance is non/negotiable, he made his kids he had a financial as well as emotional obligation to them. I assume if his wife worked full time they would both have to have shelled out over the years for full time childcare and he would be responsible for at least half of that. She had saved him a fortune and been there to raise their children.

When you decided to love in with him you knew he had children and they will always come before you.

Your DH doesn't do even half of the care for his children, so you're BU to be annoyed at him slightly upping the annual amount. You working 60 hours a week isn't and shouldn't be a factor in their childcare arrangements. Her working 12 hours a week isn't either.

By all means be knackered, that's fair enough. And be miffed about the mix up because it's annoying when plans get changed, even if your plan was only to do bugger all (sometimes those are the best plans!). The rest is completely unreasonable though.

TBH I wonder what you're getting out of this anyway? You seem unhappy.

Fuck me. I'm a stepkid, both sets of parents. I have had difficult relationships and it's all a lot better now we're not forced to live together.

However, I feel sorry for those kids. They know, y'know. They feel your disapproval and rejection. They see you.

Pull your socks up and make a decision: man + kids or no man or kids. Them's your choices. Whichever you choose, do it properly. Kids last a lifetime, partners don't have to.

Children aside, you don't sound delighted to be with this man and perhaps that's the crux of the issue. Why don't you cut your losses and move on? This will end up eating you up, if it hasn't started to already.