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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

503 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 15:52

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

OP posts:
MeanAger · 22/07/2017 13:52

thank you very much a very interesting response giving a balanced view from the biomum

"Mum" is sufficient. No-one is under any misconceptions about who the word 'mum' refers to.

MeanAger · 22/07/2017 13:52

So he should be referred to by you as their bio dad. For fairness.

Jenna43 · 22/07/2017 13:53

You do realise that there are parents who look after their kids every day of the holidays so it's hard to think 8 days in a row is unreasonable for a dad to look after his kids

I'm going to get ripped to pieces for this but here goes...Why is the mother not wanting to see her DCs for 8 days? I don't think I could ever not see my DC for 8 days(unless I had to go away for an emergency or something). If my ex asked to have DC for 8 days(he wouldn't, he abandoned them), I can't imagine not trying to arrange contact in between so I could see them. Bring on the hateGrin

Headofthehive55 · 22/07/2017 13:54

Yes you did choose this life. So either you put up with it or leave.
Teens aren't easy to live with - even for the parents. Yes they eat all the food, use your bathroom stuff and grunt at best at you.

At least you have a choice. The children don't. (And the parents don't really either! )

SpareASquare · 22/07/2017 13:59

@Spare you're very angry aren't you?

Not particularly. Grateful that my children have a stepmother that loves them and treats them well though. Threads like this make me want to tell her so Smile

When the kids are old enough she will cease to exist in his life, yes believe it or not that will happen.
What a bizarre statement. Telling though.

And again, there is no need to add the 'bio' She's the mother and your're dads girlfriend. Nothing wrong with that btw.

You didn't acknowledge the fact that there will be absolutely no way your partners children don't know how you feel.

Headofthehive55 · 22/07/2017 14:00

I suspect you hope that as the kids grow up he won't have to see them so you can pretend they aren't there.
However, have you considered that there may be occasions where both parents have to be there together? Like weddings? It may also be that the children choose to airbrush you out of their lives too. So only invite dad to things, not you.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 22/07/2017 14:08

Yes there'll be weddings, etc and we'll all be there. I won't be airbrushed out. The children are very well looked after when they're here. How can I know if they know how I feel? What's the relevance? I have an ex too, he's remarried and very happy, I'm very happy for him but have no desire whatsoever to be in his life.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 22/07/2017 14:09

Who the hell uses bio mum? Hmm

She's the mum ffs

CookieDoughKid · 22/07/2017 14:10

You do realise that having his kids stay a period is not babysitting? It's the children's right to stay as long as they want and need with their dad. And it's your dh's responsibility to do whatever it takes facilitate his duty of fatherhood. I'm a parent. I dont get a choice of opting out. It's 24x7 responsibility.... you need to have a similar frame of mind ....you are a step mother. You shouldn't even be questioning this. It's not a problem. It's a role.

Or you opt out and find a partner with no kids.

stolemyusername · 22/07/2017 14:13

OP I think you need to try and look at this time from a different perspective, stop feeling like you are doing her a favour as quite frankly what she does with her time is none of your business. But your partner has a good opportunity to spend some time with his children, that's a good thing, regardless of the circumstances some non resident parents can only dream of so much time with their children.

If you are having them 70% of the time then your partner has the opportunity to look into reducing (or stopping) child support if they're with you more often or not, that's his decision to make.

I am going to ask though what you are getting from the relationship? You're not happy being a step parent, your partner doesn't show you respect and I'm worried that he might have some violent tendencies?

MeanAger · 22/07/2017 14:21

I am going to ask though what you are getting from the relationship?

Cheaper rent and bills than if she was on her own. That's it. She said so herself.

SpareASquare · 22/07/2017 14:22

When the kids are old enough she will cease to exist in his life, yes believe it or not that will happen.

This was so random I just had to come back to it.
The mum will never cease to exist in his life and the fact that you think she will shows just how clueless you actually are. I almost feel sorry for you now Grin

I can't stand my childrens father which is a shame because I acknowledge that he will never cease to exist in my life. We have children together 3 of whom are adults.

NannyRed · 22/07/2017 14:31

Think yourself lucky. When I married I became step mum to two teens who resented me and we had the kids ALL THE TIME as their mum had died. I didn't get to send them to their other parent. It's one of the 'joys' of becoming a step parent, the biological parent must still do their share of child rearing.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 22/07/2017 14:32

@Spare let's just agree to disagree on everything. I feel sorry that you feel you need to be a necessary part of your exes life forever even though you can't stand him. We won't agree on a single thing as we're coming at it from entirely different sides. Let's leave it.

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 22/07/2017 14:32

OP if you honestly think that DH's ex will magically disappear from your lives when the DC are older, you are deluded . School events, graduations, special birthdays, engagements, weddings , christenings etc etc. If you can't cope with that you need to leave. It can be very hard but the DC come first not you.

MeanAger · 22/07/2017 14:34

I don't think their mum will be the one disappearing from this scenario...

Yarp · 22/07/2017 14:48

Do you have children with your Ex, OP?

Headofthehive55 · 22/07/2017 14:59

Hmm. You do realise it will be the children who decide whether you will be airbrushed out don't you? I've known a couple step children who decided as adults that they didn't need to have a relationship with their step mum. And if that meant no relationship with their dad, so be it. Step mums were not allowed to weddings etc. And if dad objected then it was made quite clear then he didn't come either.
My point is you have to make a relationship with them and hope.

Brittbugs80 · 22/07/2017 15:01

According to you, the ex wife is lazy, only works 12 hours and can't be bothered to look after her children.

Your DP has no backbone as he won't argue with his ex wife about him having the children for 8 nights, despite the fact he wants to have them.

Then you say if his eldest son was to move in, it would be a deal breaker, the daughter chooses not to talk to you, you can't have a conversation with her and said if you knew he had children, you would never have met up with him. You also said you stay with him because you couldn't afford to rent on your own.

I'd think about saving up and moving out. Get some self respect and don't stay with someone because it makes your rent cheaper. You clearly don't like his ex, his children and you don't have a flattering or high opinion of him.

poppp · 22/07/2017 15:03

When the kids are old enough she will cease to exist in his life, yes believe it or not that will happen.

That's so incredibly harsh. Have you stopped and thought about how this will affect his children as they grow older? It's not just weddings, it could be a really regular thing if they all go on to have children of their own and want weekly visits with their children's grandparents- sometimes these visits might be all together. School plays, sports days, birthday parties, football games, dance competitions etc etc the list goes on. She won't cease to exist in his life at all.

mikulkin · 22/07/2017 15:10

Agree with headofthehive55. Children decide. My DS doesn't have relationship with his step mum and he already said that she will never be welcome anywhere where both parents are expected to attend.

Ironically I always wanted him to have a relationship with her but it was her choice not to do so when he was young and now that he is a teen he just point blank refuses to even talk to her whether his dad or I try to persuade him otherwise.

spewylewis · 22/07/2017 15:11

OP, what would you do if, god forbid, the mum dropped dead/had a breakdown/ became seriously ill tomorrow and the kids were expected to move in full time? Did you consider that when you committed to your OH?

nina2b · 22/07/2017 15:12

The problem is complicated relationships. Good grief, no wonder things are fraught.

SpareASquare · 22/07/2017 15:33

@Spare let's just agree to disagree on everything. I feel sorry that you feel you need to be a necessary part of your exes life forever even though you can't stand him. We won't agree on a single thing as we're coming at it from entirely different sides

Hey, I feel sorry for me too sometimes. But that's life and a sacrifice I'm willing to make for my children. We are both part of our childrens lives forever so there are a number of situations where we choose to be cooperative and friendly. May not like my ex much but it makes my children happy and that's important to both of us. Maybe it's just something a mother/father would understand?

So yeah, we're definitely coming at it from completely different sides. One of a mother and one of the girlfriend of a guy with kids with someone else.

LogicalPsycho · 22/07/2017 16:25

OP if you honestly think that DH's ex will magically disappear from your lives when the DC are older, you are deluded . School events, graduations, special birthdays, engagements, weddings , christenings

AND GRANDCHILDREN! Grin

OP, those DCs are one day likely going to each have children of their own, which means your DP and his XW will share grandchildren together. Most grandparents have their grandchildren from time to time, some even more frequently.

XW isn't going anywhere, you are indeed deluded.

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