Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

[betteroffwithouthim]

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

@buthestillhungry no projection whatsoever. Quite the opposite is true actually. I am. Massively sympathetic Nd empathetic of step situations.

However in this case the OP has created these issues herself. She openly admits she hate his ex and his kids. Would not have got with him had the kids involvement been more transparent so actually she has put herself in a situation she hates.

So she needs to either grow up or get out.

She is damaging those kids and that is the most evil thing she could be doing.

@wheresthel1ght I feel I have to respond to you as you call me both a goady fucker and a vile individual. You are clearly projecting your own feelings about yourself onto me. I have done nothing to you and my posts don't deserve that. I'm reading and taking everyone's comments into account, except yours as they're bullshit. I'm stepping away as I said yesterday I posted here as it is anonymous and it has helped a great deal with the emotions of this difficult situation. Thanks to everyone.

I have not openly admitted I hate anyone, total bullshit

Op - don't bother posting regarding the step kids in future, there are so many step parent haters on MN. You will always be told your BU.

You do realise that there are parents who look after their kids every day of the holidays so it's hard to think 8 days in a row is unreasonable for a dad to look after his kids. Is she also running her house alone whereas there are two of you. That makes a difference. Imo holidays should be 50/50 although that may vary across all the holidays. Yabu

I don't want unilateral support, I'm very interested to read all opinions. It helps actually. The haters don't know me or my situation, they get very wound up as they feel it's their right to be the voice of the poor defenceless biomum who is neither poor nor defenceless. The kids are well looked after by everyone including me.

I think the OPs relationship isn't really the point here. She needs to think about that but she asked about the child care arrangements.

There are two teenagers home for the holiday, dad and step mother work fulltime so little supervision for the kids if they need it, if they don't need it why is mum so in need of a break? If they stay at mum's then she is around most of the time so lots of supervision if needed, they might also be closer to school friends and out of school activities. This may or may not be relevant.

If dad has kids for 8 straight days and then his normal days for the rest of the holiday then by my maths he is going to have them more days than the RP or possibly equal depending on if the 8 days fall on his 4 day week or 2 day week. I've tried all the permutations and it is more likely that he would be having them more than mum. Now we can't have our cake and eat it, mum should be getting child maintenance, child benefits, maybe tax credits and she would only have to swap one day a fortnight with dad and it would be 50/50 so she isn't doing all the childcare by any means.

Who benefits from kids spending more of the holiday with dad than with mum? Depends on relationships and logistics but the main beneficiary is certainly mum. I think dad should think about saying he wants to swap the arrangements round, he has them 8 days a fortnight and gets maintenance and all the benefits. I suspect mum wouldn't be happy.

grannytomine you are arguing a moot point as both mum and dad are already happy with the arrangements. The OH wants to have his children for that amount of time over the holidays. How much the mother does or doesn't get out of this is completely irrelevant in this situation.

The problem, from the OP, is she doesn't want the children that much - it actually has nothing to do with money or the amount of hours the Ex works (they are red herring arguments here).

If the OH wants to have the children for x amount of days in the holidays, and the ex and the children are all happy with that arrangement, then the OP has two choices - suck it up and deal with it or leaves the OH because his want for the children will always (and should always) be the priority.

It's so very inevitable that step parents get zero sympathy empathy or support on Mumsnet

So it's fine to slag off the ex, question her work ethic, question just how tired she may be, to not want to have your partner have his children in his home? That is reasonable and fair behaviour?

WonderLime, is he? Or is he being guilt tripped into it by his ex? I don't know. My point was really in reply to all the shock horror responses about poor exhausted mum needing a break when the reality is this isn't a dad who visits them once in a blue moon, she has 6 days a fortnight without kids, a childfree weekend every other week so she isn't really the poor victim being taken advantage of.

Anyway I think the most important thing is what the two teenagers think, if dad's isn't as close to friends/activities it might make for a miserable week for them.

Fabulous. What a wonderful post.

I think dad should think about saying he wants to swap the arrangements round, he has them 8 days a fortnight and gets maintenance and all the benefits. I suspect mum wouldn't be happy

Doesn't matter what the children think, then? Just some kind of 'pass the child for financial benefit' game amongst the adults involved?

I love the 'all the benefits' comments, particularly in situations where the step mum has gone to great lengths to tell us how amazing her and her partner are with all their working hours and amazing work ethic. Benefits are based on income - means testing - they don't transfer with the child. Pathetic, ignorant comments, aimed at single mums.

You don't like the children or their mother. Or your partner a great deal. Why don't you move on to something you don't need to whine about. Family life and you are perhaps not a good fit.
All the childfree life you want then.

Jane, look up I actually said what the kids want is most important. I think there is a bias on here where RP, usually the mother, is over worked, living in poverty and unsupported by the NRP, usually the father. The truth isn't always like that. The mum has close to 50/50 care, the kids are teenagers so will probably spend the holiday out with friends, lying in bed or playing video games. They are unlikely to need entertaining constantly, or supervising constantly but nice to have adults around for a reasonable amount of time to keep an eye on what is going on. That can happen with a mum who works 12 hrs a week, harder with dad and step mum with very fulltime jobs, even with that I think the kids wants and needs come first, mum's "exhaustion" isn't the main point and if she is that exhausted with a 12 hrs a week job and two teenagers she probably needs medical advice.

I feel your pain OP.

I have bought up my three kids alone. OH ex wife is a shit mother sends them
with dirty too small clothes, goes to the pub pissing it up every night, has had 8 live in b/fs in 8 years, kids have never bee to the dentist (she won't let us register them where we live) 12 yr old still wets the bed and we arranged appt with specialist which she didn't bother taking her to. Have phoned social care and nothing has happened.

She asked is to have one of the kids for the entire 6 week holiday - I work full time and OH not here in the week as he works away.

I get 2 weekends a month with no kids (my youngest is 15) and most of my leave we have his girls. It's a massive commitment and a tough road to travel.

I can totally see you pov op.

You have them almost half the time and in the hols she wants u to have them more.

She works 12 hours compared to your 60 so she has more free time to look after the kids. I totally get it.

However, they're his kids so if he WANTS them more during the holidays and if he doesn't want to reduce Maintenance in the hols then that's his decision.

It doesn't sound like a great relationship now you've mentioned the temper issues he has. Maybe quit your losses.

Surely at that age they cone and go as they please between the two homes?

firstly I fell in love with the man he used to be, I hope that the aggressive unkind person he turns into occasionally will stop

Op. Do you think he thinks the same about you? From your previous posts the touch point seems to be your atttifude to his children.

The kids are well looked after by everyone including me

How can this be true? You said on a previous thread you have a relationship with his daughter where you barely speak to each other. Barely speaking to a child is not looking after them well. Some one of those statements is inaccurate.

kids have never bee to the dentist (she won't let us register them where we live) 12 yr old still wets the bed and we arranged appt with specialist which she didn't bother taking her to

Oh utter bullshite. The child's father can register them with a dentist and take them himself. Ditto medical appointments. Any other response is to be entirely complicit with the abuse of the mother.

Erm he can't as he lives 600 miles away.

Erm he can't as he lives 600 miles away.

Are you talking about this situation - because if that's true, how the hell does the OH have the kids 2 nights per week and EOW? Do they go to different schools for two days per week or do the OH just get up at 1am to start driving them to school?

Granny, the mum's working hours are a red herring. She can do what she wants. She may well be unwell but she has no obligation to share her medical notes with her ex. She may just fancy a week off. Or she may be having a child-free holiday or spending the week tidying the house. Who cares?! It is not unreasonable that a parent cares for their children for half of the school holidays - although I take the point that depending on how far apart the parents live, it might be difficult for teens who just want to be with their friends.

The issue here is the OP's expectation that she gets to say where/how her step children are cared for.

He's in the military. He requested a draft to where his kids live when he did try to sort all these things with no compliance from his ex.

He then got posted back to Scotland.

So much hate here for NRP and step parents.

I personally do my best for my step kids in very difficult circumstances.

My OH travels 1200 miles EOW to see his kids.

My kids dad lives 4 miles down the road and never bothered.

Op, how much he has the kids isn't up to you, it's between him and his ex.
You can't change this.
You are really unhappy.
Do you not gave family you could stay with for a while?
Things are not going to change.
He's not going to stop seeing his kids, or having them over.
Even when they're older they'll still come to stay.
He's not going to kick them out.
This isn't right for you. Some people can't be with people who have kids, that doesn't make them bad people.
This isn't working for you anymore.
I hope you can sort things out, don't stay in a relationship that isn't right.

I think we have stories crossing here. In my situation the kids live relatively close by. I answer to blunts question I do have a good relationship with the kids, the girl rarely speaks to me but that's her choice, I still speak to her and do all I can to help her. If you read my other posts you'll see this. It is my strong suspicion that her mother is making her feel guilty if she enjoys time with us (just some comments she's made) which doesn't help her feel comfortable around me. Short of asking the mother which I obviously won't be doing I can't do much about that.