Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

[betteroffwithouthim]

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

This post sounds VERY similar to a far more polite but essentially the same version of it a few days ago

How long have you been together?

Wave of cold coming over me that this could be my children's stepmother, discussing me and my children. It's not my situation, but 'bone idle, entitled moaning old witch'.... Jesus Christ. The thought that my children might be spending days & nights with someone who views me this way would not make me want to be co-operative. You and your DP have a relationship. Your DP has a relationship with his children.

One is a choice. One is a fact. You are doing yourself no favours here.

It is Namechange. I am calling it out as bullshit. Why is no one else getting this ?

I read your other thread.

Just leave, seriously. You have your own money, not married, and aren't happy. This is a no-brainer.

The problem for the kids is that it doesn't sound like their mum wants them around any more than their stepmum does

Thing is though until you've done the grinding lonely boring endless work of a lone parent you don't really appreciate time without the kids! It's not that I or any other lp doesn't want them we need a fucking break from the grind!!!

@Rache11 yes. I love my kids, and I work weekends a lot so even when ex has them it's not a break. But YYY to the grinding monotony.

This is really sad, you're all arguing over who shouldn't have them, as if they are some massive burden, what a damned shame!

This is awful, fgs!

Betteroffwithouthim have now found all your recent threads. All about your partners kids. You give step mothers a bad name. Shady. LEAVE. Poor kids poor partner poor ex wife or are you trolling ?

What would you do if they moved in permanently? Poor kids, it sounds like no one much wants them around.

If you work 60 hours a week surely you're barely home to see them anyway so why are you bothered?

Why are you staying really though?
You're miserable, clearly miserable.
You don't want your partners kids around resent paying money, and hate the ex partner.
This will get worse.
Just because they get older doesn't mean they will stop coming around.
If something happens to the ex or one of the kids has to move in, what then?
Your dp will put his kids first.
You don't want a bloke with kids, that's fine, not everyone can, but this is never going to work.
You all are going to be very unhappy.
Stop wasting your time!

Maybe she is depressed ? She
Might be very low and unhappy and that's making her so Miserable and tired ?

Not that you give a flying fuck so why even post !

Maybe find a child free man

I am sure you are not the devil incarnate but surely you deserve your happiness and he deserves someone who will do more than tolerate his kids

How was your upbringing , did you have married parents or blended family ?

Yes, this is bullshit.

You are the one with the agenda, OP

I've said it twice but OP run for the hills there's no real support for you here you're welcome to pm me

ButThe

You're so kind

I hope OP has taken on the advice from this thread, being a step mum obviously isn't for her and she needs to leave. Her dp is trying to do the right thing by spending more time with his dc's and op is coming between them, moaning about his ex and the money he pays towards his kids. These kids are half his and he should provide care for them as well as financially support them. When I got together with dh (now ex) I knew he had 3 children, I didn't really understand what this would intail as I didn't have children of my own, I was young and didn't really think it through, eventually we had dc's of our own and I had to put up with seeing his dc's have things that I couldn't provide for my dc (holidays etc...), money was tight as dh had to provide for his children. I still had a good relationship with his children but there was always some resent because money was a struggle. The teenage years were the worst as his children would phone and ask for more money (needed new clothes, money for trips out, school shoes, on top of what he was paying already), it put a lot of pressure in our relationship even though I loved the kids the fact that he would dish out money that we didn't have for things they didn't really need as well as paying maintenance did make me angry, my/our children were going without so he could buy his children items that they didn't need. Eventually we split up (due to many reasons), my step children are now adults and I a, still in contact with all 3 of them but I no longer have to worry about where money is going and having to explain to my children why they have gone without.

Op, you obviously have a lot of resent towards your dp and his children, walk away from it, remove the stress from your life if you can't handle it, you have a choice, step parenting obviously isn't for you. There are single men out there who don't have children or baggage from a ex.

I'm on your side. She only works 12 hours a week. How can she be exhausted?

@buthewashungry there is support for those people I'm genuine need and are not goady fuckers.

This op has changed her story so many times, on another thread only a few days ago they had only been together 2 years a d she had never even spoken to the ex.

She is making sweeping judgements about a situation she knows absolutely nothing about. She is trying to come between a father and his children Nd then bitching be Use for once the man is actually stepping up and telling her to stfu

Step mums in particular get a very rough ride on Mumsnet and as @serfterf has pointed out I am alway the first to defend a step mum who is struggling. I have been through some horrific things because of the mother in my step kids lives, abuse, neglect, breaking into my house, deliberately poisoning the kids against me, their sister and dad, deliberately obstructing contact, withdrawing it for the most ridiculous of reasons.

In my 5 years as a step parent I have been through most of the regular things that get talked about on these boards so I do know what I am talking about.

However, I cannot and will not support or defend a vile individual who shows so much hate and distant for her step children.

Ultimately none of this is the kids fault. A d girl once it seems like the actual parents are doing a. Moody good job of co-parenting.

The only problem seems to be the OP. Yes we are only getting one side but in this case it is the side of the person at fault.

I stand by my original comment. Grow up or get out of their lives.

My stbxh has our children for one whole week a year in the summer holidays.( and eow when it suits him) several weekends (11 in a row) when he'couldnt' see them. Each weekend visit he picks them up a little later and gets to drop them off a little earlier and complains about the cost of fuel.
He told me he wanted to.see.them at least two nights a week..but as he has bought a new house with her 'too far away' he has changed his schedule and sees them once a week for less than two hours. He works less than a mile from our home..but has changed his work so he can work from his new house 3 days a week...and only wants to pick up the children on the day he comes in to work. He promised the kids he would'be there for them' and' agreed to evey holiday day they wanted'. When they asked for 50% of every school holiday he agreed to it in front of them...then backtracked when he realised this was all his a/l entitlement and more. THAT is a spineless bastard.
You need to.seperate how you feel about her ( the biomum) and about his children.
How do I feel.about my stbxh mistress? And nominally her being their future step mother? She has everything I dont. A loving partner, a secure double income and domestic security. She has the freedom to spend her time and money on days as she wishes out and about and luxury items ( £200 carved walking stick to put over the fireplace, anyone?) 13 weeks in a row to play "my wonderful new partner' and still has time to send me snotty texts about how I should behave.
Me? Struggling with daily life, worrying about money, trying to find the money for legal bills, dealing with the emotional fallout of his and her actions with my teenage kids wreaking havoc with their emotions as well as my own personal emotional pain.

In my mind, your post is exactly how I imagine her to be with my own dc. The two things I love the most in the whole world, choosing willingly to going to the two people who really dont want them there really but only tolerate them because they have to. Last weekend they took my children furniture shopping for their new house then dumped them in a park whilst they spent time together in a canal history museum. Way to go investing in building a relationship with them.

Be generous in your victory. You got the man. You dont have to raise his kids full time. Stop hating and judging the biomum. She isnt part of your life at all..so why care? Try and look at caring his kids as a way of showing how deeply you love him. Try finding them a holiday club, youth group or engineer a way for them to have friends over when they are with you. It is hard to love bored teenagers!
It sounds like your husband likes his kids and is trying to be a father to them as well as love you which is more than my own dh is doing.

I do understand that you are irritated because the plans changed and your life has had to accomodate them .

I.dont know you, and I'm certainly not casting the YABU/YANBU vote. But I am maybe just trying to show you a different viewpoint. One thing I have learnt is that by viewing changes ( big or small) in negative only ways is toxic and only punishes yourself. You came on to vent..because the feelings you want to express aren't palatable to him or his children and here is a safe place. Now try set them aside and try to work something out with your husband to make it work for the two of you and his children. That way you win and win again..he gets the support from you he needs and everyone marvels at what a gracious woman you are..and his kids one day will respect you for the efforts you made. I dont doubt it is hard work caring for/about children who arent yours, who are thankless teenagers esp. If you never had your own kids..or yours are grown and gone and you thought your parenting days were done. I get that it is irritating to have to share your husband with them part of the week and the extra day is annoying. I also understand your home is your home, and them and their stuff being there is an unwanted reminder of his prior relationship..no woman wants evidence of former relationships regularly in their face week in.week out.
Despite my own situation I do have some sympathy for you..but also some advice. As others have said..stop caring about her and what she does. Work WITH your hubby to develop a way to manage the visit, because he loves those kids AND he loves you. Make that easy for him and he will love you more for it.

For what it's worth I would struggle to be a step ! I have many friends who also had Tricky steps

I just sometimes knowing the pain it can create for all parties / step away ☠️ Excuse the pun !

wheresthel1ght that's the problem you're projecting all of your bad experiences on to the op you and many others on here seem to have no genuine interest in supporting this woman.

It's so very inevitable that step parents get zero sympathy empathy or support on Mumsnet.

ButShe

I think that many of us can see the OP is not happy. That her relationship is not good. That being a step parent is hard and that many of us couldn't fo it

But that remaining here and moaning about it is not helping her or her step children

If your idea of support is to say that the OP is reasonable in her belief that her DP has too much contact with his children, that the mum is lazy, and that she (OP) should not have to be involved with those children as much as she is, then that's just not good advice.

My idea of support is to point out that none of this is going to change so she has two choices to improve her own wellbeing:

Get out of this relationship

Change how you see it

Both difficult to do

The issue isn't if the mother works or not. It's that the dad should be available for his kids whenever they need them. If you get into a relationship with a person with kids you really need to appreciate that. They come as a package. I know people will come at this with different perspectives, some of you as step parents will empathise with the OP. Myself, I was a step kid who's mum didn't want me and I ended up living with my dad full time with a step mother who didn't want me there either, and believe me, I knew she didn't want me there. So I only have sympathy for the poor kids in this situation caught up in all of this through no fault of their own