Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

[betteroffwithouthim]

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

You'd like her to parent her own kids? Why is it up to you to judge how much parenting is enough?

But she IS parenting her own kids. They had the kids together 50-50 and now she has them more than 50% of the time, therefore she parents them more than your DP does really. Why should he not have them when he WANTS them. He wants them, he wants them. He has made it clear that HE WANTS them. Get it into your head and leave them all to it.

Why don't you just leave OP? You are clearly not happy either with your partner or the fact that he has kids. You are wanting your partner to see his kids less than he would like. It doesn't sound like a happy, healthy relationship from anyone's perspective. Why stick around?

But she already DOES parent her own kids. Even if you don't agree with the way she does it. And it's entirely possible that you're right but it's a complex subject and you can't expect a black and white answer. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to because you sound so frustrated, and that can't be fun.

@gingergenius - I don't know but perhaps if I had my own I would be more tolerant? I would perhaps understand how a parent feels more. Who knows? I would have liked them but it didn't happen.

But op she is parenting them, she has them five days a week during term time and she has them every other weekend and she has them at least 30 percent of the time during the summer.

Why are you asking him if she should get reduced money when you don't share finances? Why did you post a thread on it.

Why are you so fixated with this woman? I get your jealous, but why? You posted you were leaving, it was just because uou couldn't afford to go, so why the about face now? It's confusing everyone.

You just said you asked him if he'd be cutting CM if they stay with him. I assume that means you give a shit then on some level, about the money. Or rather, you don't want his money yourself per se, just you don't want her (the woman you've never met) having too much. Right?

But even if she was unemployed and able to be with her kids all day every day, your partner would still want more time with his kids, he's made that clear. Why are you so focused on her?

You're crazy.
My parents divorced when I was 3, my sister 6.
We could come and go between my parents as often as we wanted, including staying over.
If we chose to stay at my dads, he'd take us to school, if not, we'd do our usual routine with mum.
And that's how it was.

Re money I repeat I earn my money and pay my bills and he does the same. I asked a question as I was mildly curious.

So why don't you leave?

@betteroffwithouthim I can understand that. And honestly, before I had kids of my own my views and tolerance levels were very different. You sound sad and fed up and defeated and completely unable to find your way to a solution. You're venting on an anonymous Internet forum which at best is only ever going to be 2 dimensional (notvto say it's not helpful, but by its nature it is restrictive) and what you're dealing with is a day to day situation, with all its nuances, that is impossible to really convey in this media. I would suggest you speak to relate or similar. On your own and in private to work through your problems and frustrations so that you can develop a coping strategy or a way forward that works. You're a human being, the same as all of us on here.

He is their dad first and your partner second. He absolutely should be there for them 24/7 365. If you can't cope with that then maybe he isn't the right man for you

Reading through this and your previous thread I have decided you are being manipulative / making this up as you go along to make this mother look bad. Exaggerating certain parts of the narrative where it suits. Give it up. Please.

What ginger said

And why haven't you met her?? After 3 years together, that's very odd.

Ach op. If you want help you may as well be honest. It is an anonymous forum. You started a thread on child maintenance, you also suggested he reduced his payments to her, so you are clearly more than mildly curious, it's a bone of contention that she doesn't work full time and he supports her via paying for the kids and you do work full time and you don't share finances,

Most people will say he is a decent guy to support his kids and to wish to spend time with them. You're going to struggle I'm afraid to find anyone who thinks he should do neither or less of both.

I also think you're deeply unhappy, you all are by the sound of it.

You need to find yourself a child-free man.

May I ask you a question OP? A few in fact?

Taking all other things out of the equation, such as your seething resentment at your DP looking after his own children and your obvious vitriol towards their mother and her dubious circumstances...

Why do you think that your want/needs for a relationship with your DP on your terms trumps the children's wants/need to spend more time with their father?

Why is your DP "spineless" for agreeing to see his children more often? Should he not want to?

What would you do if (God forbid) the children's mother passed away and the kids had to come and stay with you and your DP permanently?

You'd run for the fucking hills if the last thing happened wouldn't you OP?!

They're clearly cramping your style. I think it's best you move on, don't you?

I don't leave for two reasons, firstly I fell in love with the man he used to be, I hope that the aggressive unkind person he turns into occasionally will stop. Secondly and a much lesser issue I moved jobs and area to be with him,I took a big pay cut and rents are dearer here. I can't afford to move out yet.

Why haven't you met her in the last three years?

Oh fr goodness sake. Now he's aggressive. Leave him then

@betteroffwithouthim is there any chance you and DP can take a breath and work out how to get through this? Do you still love each other? I think a lot of thecoroblem is that you don't know where you fit in his life and he is trying to be a good dad but doesn't know how to make that inclusive. Please please see if you can speak to someone, if you can honk there is something still salvageable?

I'm a stepmum, was prepared to be sympathetic but you sound awful. They are his kids. Of course he bloody has to take care of them if their mum can't.

Thank you ginger.

I haven't met her as DP picks the kids up and drops them off, I don't need to be there and am very often at work when he does.