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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

503 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 15:52

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

OP posts:
betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 21:27

my point is I've told my side of the story and people are reading between lines and making up their own opinions based on things I have not said. I would be the first to defend anything I've said if I did. All this crap about me "obviously" wanting to cause drama and hostility, wanting him to choose, etc etc. I didn't say any of that.

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 21/07/2017 21:27

Presumably she didn't sign a contract that committed her to 12 hrs a week for life
Yeah what a lazy whore for not leaving her job as soon as the kids hit 13 and finding another one immediately because her exh's new partner is making bollocks up on the internet.
I would be willing to be the exw doesn't work 12 hours and more likely works 16 (the minimum to claim WTC) and the op doesn't work 60 hours a week.

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2017 21:28

I don't understand what's happening. Op how can anyone have an agenda, they don't know you, we can only go on what you posted. What's not true or twisted?

And why do you want people to slag off the mother? She's not posting. Surely the issue is you, your partner and your feelings on the kids versus his desire to be with them?

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 21:30

So I don't work 60 hours a week, not only are things made up I didn't say but now stuff I have said isn't true?? Confused!

OP posts:
gingergenius · 21/07/2017 21:32

@betteroffwithouthim I think what people are doing is referring to other posts you've written recently (or a least people with your username-hence the comment)

So folk are cross referencing your comments and coming up with a picture that you, yourself, have painted. I appreciate you are unhappy and I know being a step parent is a really tough gig but the only reason people are 'reading between the lines' is because you've written the lines for them to read.
You sound unhappy and on the edge which is a horrible place to be. You need to talk to someone about this in RL (if you aren't already)

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 21:33

Sorry for the drip feed, not intentional.

OP posts:
Rainybo · 21/07/2017 21:34

Ok, so what are you going to do then OP? Seeing as you know best what is going on and we are all lying stepmum haters.

You know the situation inside out, so show some self awareness and work out what you're going to do.

If this is a deal breaker for you (which you have said it is), break off the deal!

SteppingOnToes · 21/07/2017 21:34

If the ex is receiving spousal maintence to be a SAHP and the CM is based on 2 nights a week, is she prepared to take a pay cut and work more when DP is having them?

There's a lot of talk about the kids belonging to both of them but if she is being a SAHP and he is funding it, how is it fair for him to have the kids more and still contribute as if they were with her?

She could always ask for it to be fair and 50:50 childcare but then she wouldn't have her lifestyle funded would she and would be required to contribute 50% of any childcare costs?

Aquathest · 21/07/2017 21:34

@betteroffwithouthim
What exactly are you gaining from staying in this relationship?

Notreallyarsed · 21/07/2017 21:35

You don't have to take care of them, he does. I'm a mum and a step mum, and I honestly think one day you'll read this back and realise that you're putting all your resentment and anger onto the XW when in actual fact it's your DP you're pissed off with for having kids and being a dad. If you can't hack him having his kids for 8 days straight, you should leave, for his sake, for the kids' sake and for your sake.

gingergenius · 21/07/2017 21:36

Childcare arrangements are not just a financial transaction and we don't know enough about the family dynamics to call such a black and white solution. Life is very much more shades of grey ime.

BakerBear · 21/07/2017 21:37

Step parenting is bloody hard. I do very much agree with a previous poster who said that you are generally not ready for that sort of commitment until your 40s 50s.

I became a step mother when i had just turned 25. It did not end well. I couldnt accept that he had children with someone else. I convinced myself i could but i was just kidding myself.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/07/2017 21:39

Leave him for the kids sake. Let him be the dad he wants to be.

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 21:39

I haven't really touched on the finances as we each have our own money and it's not really my business but as you've raised it I did ask if she would be taking reduced CM payments whilst we had them 70% of the hols, he snorted so I guess that's a no.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2017 21:41

All this crap about me obviously wanting to create drama and hostility

Thing is your posts about the ex are hostile and create drama. Your posts about having the children do the same. Don't you see that.

Perhaps she is mega lazy, who knows. And it isn't for you to decide. Your attitude is unbecoming. And the resentment is aimed at the wrong person.

Janeismymiddlename · 21/07/2017 21:41

shared any thoughts on the mother who works limited hours and doesn't want her kids around as it's interfering in her new relationship. She who'll send them off to anyone who'll have them. She who could work much more but would rather not

What you want is for a bunch of unknowns to slag off someone who's life we know nothing about and who isn't here to give her side of the story?

You expect her to be some kid me of martyr with her kids glued to her 24/7, unable to move on with her life whilst her ex partner conducts a relationship with you. A relationship he is able to have because he barely sees his children. You see no irony there? He can move on,she can't? You, as the new partner, doesn't have to have the kids around but her new partner has to have them around?

Work is her business. Nothing to do with you. Child maintenance wouldn't reduce if she earned more and if spousal maintenance has been awarded by the courts, it is unlikely that would be reduced either.

What is it you want?

gingergenius · 21/07/2017 21:41

@BakerBear spot on! I was a similar age and although I loved my DSC dearly I was too selfish to really understand how much more important their needs were compared to mine. It's tougher in some ways than being a parent but I do think having had your own kids often makes step parenting a little easier because you understand the necessity of sacrifice (without sounding like a martyr - but I hop me you know what I mean?!)

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 21:44

My post on here originally said it was better to air my thoughts anonymously online than create drama and hostility in real life. If I wanted to fight in real life I could do so very easily as DP can be very aggressive very quickly as those who've read previous posts will know.

OP posts:
mygorgeousmilo · 21/07/2017 21:44

Answer the questions for goodness sake. What are you gaining by staying in a miserable relationship that you've previously said you want out of?

gingergenius · 21/07/2017 21:44

@betteroffwithouthim this is a genuine question: do you think part of your resentment is down to the fact that you don't have kids of your own? Really meant as a gentle and genuine question.

wheresthel1ght · 21/07/2017 21:44

Oh wow you just get better..

She has to have less money because your dp is looking after his own kids.

You are a treasure.

Seriously the best thing that can happen is for your dp to see the light and kick your nasty, self centred ass to the curb!

I really hope he reads this and sees what a poisonous person you really are!

I can't stand my step kids mum, but I adore the bones of those kids and I would move heaven and earth to have them with us more often. Not just because dp would love it but because I would too.

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 21:46

I expect nothing Jane but I do wish you'd stop assuming you know what I'm thinking "you expect her to be some sort of martyr" no I'd like her to parent her own kids.

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 21/07/2017 21:46

@serfterf am off to polish my crown and then hide this thread before I get kicked off Mumsnet for telling this op what I truly think if her

IrritatedUser1960 · 21/07/2017 21:47

Do you get on with the kids OP or are they difficult?

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 21:47

Jesus Christ you really do only read the bits you want. I don't give a shit what money she gets or doesn't.

OP posts: