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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish people wouldn't disturb my quietly-playing toddler?

155 replies

jubilationbellsringing · 20/07/2017 23:04

Yes, I'm BU. I know, I know, they mean well Smile

But. Dc is 3 and often engages in play. It's interesting to watch as she clearly has an elaborate fantasy world and she 'makes' toys for herself.

She was doing it today after swimming - just sitting next to a locker chatting to her 'friend' and various women were commenting on it to her - 'who are you talking to? Ah, who is that? What are you doing?'

I know they just mean to be nice but she gets self conscious and then stops which is a shame!

OP posts:
Backingvocals · 21/07/2017 11:21

Also Grin at my rich interior world. I spend a lot of time there but it's not all that thrilling Grin

CloudNinetyNine · 21/07/2017 11:26

Of course they aren't to know she is shy but when they notice I much prefer the people who leave her be rather than keep directing questions at her while she hides behind me and I answer. It's like they think they will 'cure' her.
Or worse: "you're not shy, are you? Are you shy? Hahaha"
Fuck off!

zzzzz · 21/07/2017 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toosexyforyahshirt · 21/07/2017 11:29

There seems to be some sort of strange assumption on Mumsnet that being an introvert means that you can't be expected to enjoy, or even cope with, normal social interaction

It's also a excuse to be as rude as fuck to everyone.

theEagleIsLost · 21/07/2017 11:30

I meant that people's responses to whether she's in her own little world or not seem to vary based on whether they are introverted or not

I'm an introvert - but I think she does need to learn how to deal with it because it will keep happening.

Original poster
jubilationbellsringing · 21/07/2017 11:31

I think she will learn soon that public playing will elicit attention. At 3, I think she should still be able to do so.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 21/07/2017 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntiGrinch · 21/07/2017 11:36

The divide between people who think the OP has a point, and those who can't see the point, is really interesting

I think children are analogous to women in that they are more likely to be treated as if their personal concerns - or simply, time - is less important than that of the person who's rather at a loose end and whose day will be enlivened by some form of interaction with this charming looking creature. As a less and less charming looking person I massively appreciate the freedom that middle age has given me to (mostly) get the hell on with my life without people barging in and talking inane shite which is about me performing the role of some sort of extra in their lives.

I was a child with curly red hair, then I was a pretty young redhead (not that I could see "pretty" then! I'm saying this in hindsight) and till I hit my 40s I basically didn't have a single day off from this nonsense.

I am now less introverted than I have ever been and much more interested in coming out of my shell at work and in other contexts. I have only just realised that this may be that being able to choose interaction, for the first time in my life, makes it much more attractive than it has ever been. I feel like when I go and say "hi" to new neighbours (for instance) I am somehow doing so on my own terms, rather than always having been seen and "positioned" in some "cute" or similarly lesser position

toosexyforyahshirt · 21/07/2017 11:39

and till I hit my 40s I basically didn't have a single day off from this nonsense

Wow. Someone has a, um, healthy level of self esteem, don't they? The whole world is just so interested in you, how difficult for you!

DandyJacket · 21/07/2017 11:40

Why would you interrupt a supervised young child who is happily amusing themselves?

Nothing wrong with interacting with other peoples' children. My DCs love people and mostly smile and talk when spoken to, which I've encouraged. But if they're playing quietly, that's when you leave them alone!

CorbynsBumFlannel · 21/07/2017 11:40

Does she let you or any of her little friends join in her games op?
I can sort of see what you mean that it's a shame if she's interrupted but presumably she has plenty of time to become absorbed in her play at home. Learning about all kinds of interactions is really important toi and so long as adults aren't being overly pushy I would welcome it and try to scaffold a bit of a conversation your dd could be part of. Adults will probably interact with her more kindly than children at that age!
In the nicest way do you think your opinion of strangers talking to her could be rubbing off on her a bit?

mummmy2017 · 21/07/2017 11:42

If a child smiles at me I will smile back and say hello or make a nice comment.
Yes, sometimes the child hides behind mummy or daddy and peeks at you, but sometimes little miss chatterbox has a great big smile on her face and will enjoy the attention. With the parent looking on.
We don't know which it will be and it;s better than children should be seen and not heard.

Original poster
jubilationbellsringing · 21/07/2017 11:43

Not the imaginary ones Corbyn

She doesn't play with me as such - she plays 'actual' games if you like such as puzzles and board games - only very basic ones obviously - and loves me reading to her. She plays with her friends at nursery but the imaginary stuff is when she's alone or just entertaining herself.

OP posts:
theEagleIsLost · 21/07/2017 11:43

I think she will learn soon that public playing will elicit attention. At 3, I think she should still be able to do so

My 10 year old still does it - complete with sound effects when out walking or on trains and busses. My eldest 11 has conversations with herself in similar situations. My youngest at 8 often takes toys out with her and engagges in play with them – she may invite others to join in.

When people comment - they get a smile - then either ignored or engaged in distracting conversation. There are considering polite with friends and completely normal.

They got the message from us their behaviour was fine and have the tools to deal with the negative reactions – as they get older the reactions are often worse as many people think there is a magic age when they shouldn’t do imaginative play. That process started when they were toddlers.

I’d love to change to world to better suit my children – but rather than moan we tried to give them as many tools as we can to deal with the world as it is.

Floggingmolly · 21/07/2017 11:44

She doesn't ever include people in her games. Ever? I'm not sure this is a good thing??

GinaFordCortina · 21/07/2017 11:44

They should tut and moan about children being seen and not heard.

Yeah because they're are the only two possible options! Confused

Op yab a bit unreasonable as it is good for her to learning to talk with people and even if she learned to keep fantasy time a bit to herself that's OK as well as it's part of growing up and socialisation is more important in the long run.

My 3 year old likes to tell long rambling stories about his secret friends to people, anyone that will listen Grin

RiverTam · 21/07/2017 11:45

Yes, it will keep happening because there seem to be an awful lot of adults out there who, although marvellous at the whole social interaction thing, are completely shite at the whole reading someone's body language thing. Also a pretty good social skill to learn, if you care about not going through life irritating every other person.

If I see someone buried in a book at the only free table in a cafe, I might ask them if I can share the table. What I won't do is start interrogating them on said book. Even if that is a social interaction, it doesn't mean it an appropriate one right then. Except if the other person is a small child, it seems.

knityourgobshut · 21/07/2017 13:19

I've learned from mumsnet that nobody seems to appreciate that people are different, and not everybody wants to interact with strangers. It is a perfectly reasonable expectation that you can go about your business without interruption from randomers. I have no inclination to wander up to folk I don't know and start talking to them, in my opinion you have to think pretty highly of yourself to assume the other person wants to speak to you.

It's not always a case of being introverted either, I just find it odd and would rather not be disturbed by people I don't know.

BouncyHedgehog · 21/07/2017 13:37

penggyn Yes obviously by 'trotting this out' I'm exaggerating for effect as I'm an idiot who doesn't know what words mean. About 6 inches from her nose, directly in front of her face if you must have specifics. Would you like a total stranger to do that to you while eating?

BertrandRussell · 21/07/2017 13:38

It does seem strange that on Mumsnet the anti social and introverted claim the moral high ground.

knityourgobshut · 21/07/2017 13:43

@BertrandRussell that would be because the introverted don't actually do anything to anybody, they crack on with life without disturbing anyone and I'm not sure why we're criticised for it.

DandyJacket · 21/07/2017 13:43

It does seem strange that on Mumsnet the anti social and introverted claim the moral high ground.

Eh? Aren't people allowed to want to be left alone?

GerdaLovesLili · 21/07/2017 13:45

I don't see why uninvited dialogue between randoms and toddlers (when initiated by the randoms) is any different from randoms poking you in the belly when you're pregnant, and then demanding to know about your pregnancy. Why is it different? Just because children have no rights to privacy?

Floggingmolly · 21/07/2017 13:48

Chatting to a three year old is not an invasion of her "right to privacy" Confused
The sheer fucking nonsense on this thread!!

GerdaLovesLili · 21/07/2017 13:50

But why is it different Floggingmolly? How do you tell if a three year old who is happily engaged in play wants to chat to you?