To wish people wouldn't disturb my quietly-playing toddler?

[jubilationbellsringing]

Yes, I'm BU. I know, I know, they mean well

But. Dc is 3 and often engages in play. It's interesting to watch as she clearly has an elaborate fantasy world and she 'makes' toys for herself.

She was doing it today after swimming - just sitting next to a locker chatting to her 'friend' and various women were commenting on it to her - 'who are you talking to? Ah, who is that? What are you doing?'

I know they just mean to be nice but she gets self conscious and then stops which is a shame!

Drives me crazy when strangers insist on talking to my shy DD.

Of course they aren't to know she is shy but when they notice I much prefer the people who leave her be rather than keep directing questions at her while she hides behind me and I answer. It's like they think they will 'cure' her.

Anyway DD now 7 and still quiet around adults she doesnt know really well but can answer questions politely, ask for a drink etc and confident with her peers so that's good enough for me.

I read the OP as "she's lost in her own world and complete strangers insist on dragging her back out of it".

I think it's lovely that little children get to be communally adored.

What's wrong with saying to the parent "oh she's playing nicely, is it always the same imaginary friend?" etc ? Why do you have to engage with the child? If she hears then she still gets the same benefits of community, praise etc but without the pressure of the direct contact. And she's having social interaction well modelled in her hearing.

I agree that "don't talk to strangers" isn't a useful blanket ban, but I don't think I would engage with a child and ignore its parent unless I thought something abusive was going on (eg child gets clattered by parent, you ask the child directly if she's hurt). Even more important if you're offering something, eg "would your little girl like to share our picnic/blanket/bucket and spade?"

I've got plenty to worry about never but don't post about it much.

The problem in a sense is even if I deflect, even if I intervene, it's disturbed her and she stops playing then and it's a shame!

This whole 'strong internal world' thing sounds like people making up stuff to me.

Whereas it sounds like an introvert v extrovert thing to me.

FGS. It's an attempt at a social interaction. Maybe the child would have expanded the play to include the adult. Maybe that would have added to the game. Maybe it wouldn't and it was better on her own. It's all fine.

I remember hating it as a child and feeling self conscious so I feel for her!

you're projecting. And you are turning her into you! When small children are talked to by other unknown adults they look to the parent for subtle advice on what to do. And you are teaching her to be self concious and nervous by your attitude to these interactions.

the pressure of the direct contact.

I guess I don't see talking to someone as 'pressure'.

I don't think I would engage with a child and ignore its parent unless I thought something abusive was going on

What the...? I mean, I'd probably shoot the parent a smile of acknowledgment or something, but am I really not supposed to talk to a child without talking to the parent first? Unless I think they're in danger?

The way some people talk about their children on here is as if they own them. It's weird.

Its the problem with going out in public, people talk to you, whether you are 2 or 92 :o

My DD used to play like that - my DS2 still does even though he is 6 (DD was a bit more socially switched on, which is both good in terms of self preservation and a bit sad in terms of lost innocence and stifling an incredibly rich inner world I guess, but she'd noticed her friends found it weird by about 3). DD actually expected others to engage with her fantasy world, where DS2 doesn't expect it and is totally absorbed - but if someone tries to join in he welcomes it with delight.

Its nice really when people play along - now DS2 is older a few other children have made totally bewildered comments or asked him if he's crazy - fortunately it doesn't happen often. If he has other kids to play with to start with it isn't an issue, but if he doesn't he just goes into his own world, and he acts everything out so he's moving around and talking

The problem in a sense is even if I deflect, even if I intervene, it's disturbed her and she stops playing then and it's a shame!

Sorry, I was on the fence previously as I could sort of see where you were coming from if they were clearly bothering her, she didn't want to engage and they didn't take the hint. That would be annoying. But I think this^^ is bordering on the ridiculous. You cannot expect to be able to stop people talking to you at all. Much better to learn to politely deflect unwanted attention imo than to expect people to never approach your child when she is playing.

Children need to learn interaction with others. I think its important social skills tbh. Surely there are plenty of opportunities for quiet play at home?
In that case, why should it really matter?

MrsHAthoway thinking it is odd to engage directly with a child rather than a parent is bloody horrible - children are people, what on earth is wrong with making friendly chit chat with them in front of their parent? In what world can there be anything at all wrong with doing that?

Decaff, I didn't quite mean that although it's my fault for not explaining very well.

She is only just 3. Yesterday she was sitting by a locker and talking very quietly. Clearly some game going on.

Two well meaning ladies then started talking to her, exchanging amused glances, asking who was in the locker and so on. She just looked helpless and came and sat beside me.

She doesn't ever include people in her games.

It was one game. One. And even if it happened for two minutes every time she's in public, she won't be able to go through life with nobody talking to her.

Don't you think it is a little early to say she 'is' an introvert or an extrovert and police her interactions accordingly? She is still developing.

I meant that people's responses to whether she's in her own little world or not seem to vary based on whether they are introverted or not - those of us who are perfectly happy with our own company might be more likely to think she should be left alone with her thoughts, whereas those who prefer interaction are more likely to think she'd benefit from immediate interaction.

What the...? I mean, I'd probably shoot the parent a smile of acknowledgment or something, but am I really not supposed to talk to a child without talking to the parent first? Unless I think they're in danger? The way some people talk about their children on here is as if they own them. It's weird.

Right, so that "smile of acknowledgement" is interacting with the parent, though, isn't it? Approaching the child through its parent. Is that really not what everyone does?

It's not so much owning the children as being there to help them manage situations they're still learning about. If parent smiles and leaves you to your interaction, great. If they talk for or with the child ("Yes, Johnny loves cars, don't you? Tell the lady about your racing car") then it's probably part of the stage their child is at right at that moment.

How interesting! That's not the feeling I got from your posts.

So, while you were learning about those interactions, did your parents abandon you to them, or help?

OP I can relate to what you are saying. When I'm lost in my own thoughts doing something and a stranger suddenly says something "smile" or "you look busy" small talk I feel a bit embarrassed as I haven't been focusing on what is around me to hear properly. I fully stop what I have been doing to try to please the person who needs the social interaction.

If the person is a friend, then great I'm happy to switch back into chatting mood as we can easily talk. If it's a stranger I wonder why they can't look around for someone that is making eye contact and 'open' for a chat. This may sound socially mean, but I would prefer to talk with strangers if we both make eye contact and I am in the mood for small talk. I don't see why it different for children and they can't be allowed some space.

The problem in a sense is even if I deflect, even if I intervene, it's disturbed her and she stops playing then and it's a shame!

I would have thought she be learning there is a time and place for different activities - imaginative play in public is one of those things that will get interrupted or commented on IME.

You also get to model how to deal with annoying strangers.

I would have though there was planty of time in a three year olds day to imagtive play that stopping is going to have no long term impact.

people's responses to whether she's in her own little world or not seem to vary based on whether they are introverted or not

No I don't think so. I'm very much an introvert. But a) I have learnt that connection with others is important and b) every single introverted impulse of mine (now or when I was a child) does not need to be protected at all times.

Backingvocals ditto. There seems to be some sort of strange assumption on Mumsnet that being an introvert means that you can't be expected to enjoy, or even cope with, normal social interaction.

OP your dd will retain her rich interior world and just learn to flick it on and off like the rest of us.