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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish people wouldn't disturb my quietly-playing toddler?

155 replies

jubilationbellsringing · 20/07/2017 23:04

Yes, I'm BU. I know, I know, they mean well

But. Dc is 3 and often engages in play. It's interesting to watch as she clearly has an elaborate fantasy world and she 'makes' toys for herself.

She was doing it today after swimming - just sitting next to a locker chatting to her 'friend' and various women were commenting on it to her - 'who are you talking to? Ah, who is that? What are you doing?'

I know they just mean to be nice but she gets self conscious and then stops which is a shame!

OP posts:

5secondrule · 21/07/2017 10:14

She "engages in play"?

What are you on?

theEagleIsLost · 21/07/2017 10:18

I've never had it out in public but I remember being at toddler group with staff and having it.

BF my baby with nearby happily playing toddler - when staff member rushes over make pointed comment to me which was critical of my parenting and rushes to interact.

I've never seen someone being ignored at before - my toddler managed to convey to everyone in the room via body language - I know you are there and I am ignoring you.

It was so clear but this staff member ignored it - I was watching closely thinking about interceding when they finally gave up and come over and said in an amazed voice - she really didn't want to play.

10 minutes later my toddler brought stuff over to play with me baby and another mum and this staff member rushed over and got same treatment.

It did put me off going to the group for a while as it felt I had to hoover very close by to put this staff member off form re-trying and left me feeling bit judged - and bf standing up wasn't easy for me.

Believeitornot · 21/07/2017 10:18

Well do you want your child to learn to interact with other people? If she's shy she can politely smile and say she's busy. That's what I teach my shy children.

troodiedoo · 21/07/2017 10:20

YANBU OP. People can be dicks at times.

Alexkate2468 · 21/07/2017 10:22

I get what you're saying - I think.
If your DD was looking around and watching people then I'm guessing you would have no problem with someone talking to her who has caught her eye.
I don't think OP is meaning that she never wants others to approach or interact with her DD.
If the child is playing quietly in her own little world, why should she be interrupted because another adult hasn't been discerning enough to see that the child is happy how she is. I know the interaction is well intended but just because she's a child, she shouldn't have to have interaction forced on her. As an adult, I can politely discourage unwanted conversation because I have learnt the social skills needed to do this - a 3 year old hasn't.
Also, when I'm in foundation stage, I often observe play from a distance. If an adult intervenes in a child's play, then it often begins to take on a different direction. I wonder what V that cold c would have discovered/done/learnt of they had been left to their own devices. As a pp said, the spell can be broken.

*As a side note, before anybody says anything, I'm also aware that there are lots of times when adult intervention in play is useful and beneficial, I just think we need to respect a child's space and use discernment.

BarbarianMum · 21/07/2017 10:26

I think it takes a special sort of self absorption to believe that people should only talk to you when you want them to. I know that we're all the star of our own show but really?

And if you never want to be interacted with, just wear a badge or something.

CircleofWillis · 21/07/2017 10:27

You could intervene for your child and speak to the adult yourself. That way you would be modelling friendly relaxed social behaviour to your child while preserving her space for play. If you are socially anxious or find speaking to strangers taxing or annoying you might be modelling these reactions to your DD. I love seeing my DD being creative and playing happily on her own but she does this a LOT. I get an even greater kick out of her including others in her play - yes even strangers and incorporating their suggestions and ideas into her play.

Pengggwn · 21/07/2017 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belmontian · 21/07/2017 10:30

YABU OP, unless they are interrogating her and making her feel ridiculous then this is teaching your dd the valuable skill of polite conversation. As a PP said encouraging self absorption is not a good thing.

BloodWorries · 21/07/2017 10:33

I understand you OP.

I was similar as a child.

Adults always try to interact with the quiet children, simply as (IMO) an extrovert child is likely to try lead the interaction and therefore lead it to something the adult isn't comfortable with ie joining in the play or asking them questions back.

But it is important for children to learn to socialise. It's part of growing up and it's nice for children to learn that most people are kind and just interested in what they are doing. But then it's not seen as polite for children to ask adults what the are doing, when they are trying to be kind and interested in the adult activity. I find social norms so hard.

theEagleIsLost · 21/07/2017 10:33

I wonder if I don't remember it in public because my children were usually close by and I automatically interceded for them - I've seen DH relatives do the same they talk for them and children can join if and when they want.

In this case surely you go over and distract the adults with conversation and let 3 year old get back to playing.

My shy children now can talk to strangers - they can do the polite social interactions - I wonder if it because we modelled that behaviour till they got there rather than trying to force it. I do remember being put on spot as a child and strangers trying to force answers out of me – never helped.

Alexkate2468 · 21/07/2017 10:34

Pengggwn, I didn't read the OP in that way. I think a child absorbed in their own play is making by clear enough. If the child is looking around and making eye contact etc, then fair play.

belmontian · 21/07/2017 10:34

I see this quite a lot from those who label themselves as gentle or attachment parents. They are "truly devastated" when adults do not fully engage with their little one when they initiate a conversation, but are irritated when adults try to speak to them. Sometimes I think the world has gone mad.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 21/07/2017 10:34

I can see both sides in this case.

On the one hand, why would anyone continue to bother a child who is clearly shy and doesn't want to interact? Very annoying.

On the other hand, it is important that she (eventually) learns to deflect these people more effectively. Maybe a polite smile and assertively saying she is busy right now as pp suggests. I realise this is a big ask for a little child, which is why I've said eventually. I'm sure some dicks people would keep trying to engage anyway. But I think it's good for dc to practice getting rid of people politely, when they don't want their attention. I know loads of adults who haven't mastered this yet! They usually end up on here complaining about how people keep bothering them. It usually transpires that they've never actually told them irl that they don't want to chat / socialise right now.

vikingprincess81 · 21/07/2017 10:35

Time to teach your wee one RBF OP (resting bitch face) I have it, and no one ever approaches me unless I'm actively smiling then they tell me their fucking life story and I nod politely because I'm British get her started with the gurning early on!
I jest, but I know what you mean - I think there's a happy medium, plus you already know you're being a touch U, so just own it!

BarbarianMum · 21/07/2017 10:36

Yesterday i was happy in my own little world (cafe, book, no kids) when a little lad came toddling up to me and thrust a sticky drinks carton onto my knee, said something incomprehensible and clapped his hands. Did i ignore him or push him away because he interupted me? No, I smiled back, admired the carton, wiped my trousers and made brief but facile conversation with him til he toddled off back to his mum. Thus are the wheels of communal life oiled.

GerdaLovesLili · 21/07/2017 10:37

But why is it OK to interrupt children. whereas it would be seen to be rude to do the same to an adult? And the key word is interrupt. You can usually tell if someone is open to interaction from strangers, but you would also (if you had even a modicum of politeness and self-awareness) not interrupt someone who was reading a book, or had headphones on. Why are children seen as public property who have to react "nicely" to random adults?

Is it because extroverts can't bear to see introverted/self-reliant behaviour which clearly doesn't need their input?

Floggingmolly · 21/07/2017 10:45

Interrupt a three year old? From what? "Engaging in play"?
Get a grip.

Ohyesiam · 21/07/2017 10:45

I know what you mean op. I think it's hard for s lot of prime to stand back and be " child led ", the urge is to leap in and start facilitating things on that social loud voice that is used for kids, the elderly, and anyone a bit foreign looking.
But your daughter sounds like she has a great imagination, and a really strong internal world, and nothing will be able to detract from that. It's great that she has a mum who understand her, and sees her needs so clearly. Interfering strangers sound like they have her best interests at heart, they Just don't get her b like you do.

Only1scoop · 21/07/2017 10:46

Was she 'up in your toddlers grill'??

KoalaDownUnder · 21/07/2017 10:47

I don't get it.

When I read these posts, I always think of the time a friend and I went to a pizza place with her little boy (aged about 2). We were sitting at a pavement table and the group next to us was made up of 4 young tourists - something like Italian, Polish, Czech and Brazilian. They started talking with her son, and by the end of the evening they had his high-chair dragged over to their table and were all feeding him, dancing with him, throwing him in the air, etc. He love it, and we loved it. They did it so naturally - like ooh, cute little kid, let's enjoy him!

I saw similar in Indonesia and other Asian countries.

. I dunno. I think our culture (I'm in Aus, which is more British in this regard) is already too insular and isolated. People stop engaging with others in public soon enough. I think it's lovely that little children get to be communally adored.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/07/2017 10:50

Why are children seen as public property who have to react "nicely" to random adults?

Good lord. Alrighty then!

They don't have to react any way at all. Obviously, if the child shrinks back or gets teary, you back straight off! I thought we were talking about merely approaching a kid.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/07/2017 10:51

So?
You thought it was a good thing to post this? You need other things in your life if that is all you have to worry about. Get a grip.

Pengggwn · 21/07/2017 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Backingvocals · 21/07/2017 10:54

I think it takes a special sort of self absorption to believe that people should only talk to you when you want them to. I know that we're all the star of our own show but really?

And FloggingMolly

You are actually my people. Not that I like people or anything. I don't. I'm British. But I find being around people and interacting with people sometimes just has to happen and is a crucial part of a functioning society so, you know...

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