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AIBU?

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Original poster

Life goal posts have moved - what would you do?

96 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 19/07/2017 20:10

I'm hoping I will receive some useful feedback here, I'm expecting some brutal comments also and can deal with them. In the grand scheme of it it's small fry.

Met DP 2.5 years ago, he'd been separated a full year by then. 2 teenage children who live with their mum and stay with him EOW and a couple of days in the week. I don't have children, tried and failed to fall pregnant with previous partner.

Male child I'll call him Ben he's 16, female Jodi is 13. I have a nice relationship with Ben but despite trying so hard not so great with Jodi. It's polite stilted conversation at best and slammed door rudeness at worst.

Their mum works a few short days a week and over the summer holidays we have them fulltime as DP has agreed to look after them to give their mum a break at her request. I work full time and have a long commute. I'm not entirely happy about this situation but have little choice. DP also works long hours so honestly they're not going to have the best time as we're both working.

Ben is having big problems with his mum (they both agree on this) and it's being suggested he comes to live with us full time. I seriously couldn't deal with this. Rightly or wrongly I fell in love with a man who's kids live with their mum. I met him online and wouldn't have agreed to meet him if he had children living with him! Flame away but it's the truth. I'm not a bad person for feeling this it's human nature.

Every time I try to talk to DP about this he shouts and slams around, swearing, breaking things. He has zero tolerance of me unless I'm agreeing with him. It's hideous.

I can't leave him as rent is so expensive around here and I've researched the easiest most painless ways of killing myself.

WWYD?

OP posts:
LunaGirl22 · 19/07/2017 20:16

Seriously? Leave this guy, this is not a good environment for you to be in if you're contemplating suicide. Regardless of the situation when you moved in together (i.e. Kids living with mum) this is not a healthy place to live. I'd be concerned with this man being in charge of a child if this is his attitude. How will he react when his son stays out late or brings friends home etc etc? If you really are looking at suicide please please contact an organisation like Samaritans which is free. Leaving can be hard when finances are tight, do you have a friend/family you can stop with for a bit? Whatever your financial situation your mental health is important and your finances shouldn't dictate you staying in this situation xx

LoupGarou · 19/07/2017 20:17

OK, first things first, have you spoken to your local Citizens Advice Bureau about what help there may be available? Have you had a chat with your GP too? Are you struggling in other ways?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2017 20:17

While I understand that you would prefer a partner with no children, you CHOSE to get into a relationship with this man knowing he did. His children come first, as they should. You say you got into this believing they would always be living with their mother. I hope you realise how ridiculous and shortsighted this was. What if the mother died? Would you expect your partner to send them to an orphanage? Life changes and living arrangements with children do as well. Bitching and whinging to your partner about his being a dad is petty, mean, and outrageous. If you don't want kids in your life, you know where the door is. Stop making your partner's life miserable because he's being a proper dad.

LunaGirl22 · 19/07/2017 20:17

Good advice speaking to CAB

QuiteLikely5 · 19/07/2017 20:19

Can't you rent a room somewhere?

I'm wondering what's so bad about his son that you prefer death to living with him?

You need to see your GP urgently as that is not a healthy emotional response to your situation

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2017 20:20

It's not great.

But the fact you fell in love with a man whose dc live with their mum is ridiculous. He has children. They need to be his priority.

Now his ds needs him. It's not negotiable.

Janiston · 19/07/2017 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bosabosa · 19/07/2017 20:22

I thought this was a step family type thing-this isn't, you need support with your mental health asap- whatever a man or DP does, working out how best to kill yourself is not the response of someone with good mental health.
Please see your GP, call the Samaritans, talk to a family member or friend IRL about your feelings and thoughts.
The step children issue is secondary to the fact you are looking to Jill yourself. Please seek help

cardibach · 19/07/2017 20:22

Aqua I think that's unfair. While I agree with the basic premise of your point, the OP is upset as much by the DPs unreasonable behaviour as anything else.
OP, living in a shit hole or moving are both better options than suicide. Leave so you can see them.

Bosabosa · 19/07/2017 20:23

Kill not Jill

C0untDucku1a · 19/07/2017 20:24

You basically want him to be a shit parent.
But he already sounds like a shit partner.

Finda room in a house share and go back online

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 19/07/2017 20:24

Thank you for your comments. His son is lovely and pleasant to be around, I just don't want to live with him. He's almost an adult and it would be like living with two men. I've researched renting a room but there's not very much available and I am a bit older than the students. I will contact CAB. It's DPs attitude that's the main problem here not the kids particularly.

OP posts:
Procrastinatingpeacock · 19/07/2017 20:26

I'm sorry you're feeling so low OP. I understand this isn't what you feel you signed up for. But, when you get together with a man who has children, it is always a possibility that they may end up living with you full time.

When my mum died, my younger sister moved in with our dad and his partner - previously they had had an EOW arrangement. I don't know what his partner felt about this but she has been an amazing support and has kept my sister's head above water. If you don't think you have it in you to have your DP's children with you full time then you need to leave him, it's not fair to expect him to turn away his DS to keep you happy.

I don't blame you, it's easy to think it would never happen to you when you first meet a man with kids, but now it has and you need to do the right thing.

I hope you are able to find support from somewhere to help you through this.

Rainybo · 19/07/2017 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cardibach · 19/07/2017 20:26

Why are you concerned about living with two men? Genuine question, not goody. If the boy is lovely and doesn't need much practical parenting, what's the issue?

LunaGirl22 · 19/07/2017 20:26

If it's the partner think to yourself; can I see myself with this bloke in 1/5/15 etc years time, if no get out...don't waste your time as life's too short, the fact that you're in such a bad mental place and have looked at other places to live tells me that you can't see yourself together in the future, but i may have misinterpreted so sorry if I have

BackforGood · 19/07/2017 20:30

The fact you are talking about killing yourself means the whole question is completely different. If you are honestly at that state you MUST seek help. Go to your GP or call the Samaritans.

We can all offer our opinions on your relationship, on the fact the fact you only want to live there because of rent, the fact your partner wants to be a good parents to his dc, the fact you aren't willing to give a home to a young man you have said you get on with etc.,etc., but they really aren't the point of this thread.

If you are really suicidal - PLEASE get help in real life.
If you are not, then it is an awful thing to write.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 19/07/2017 20:37

I wouldn't have written this if I wasn't at my wits end. It is true. I don't only want to live here because of rent, the simple answer is I can't afford to live anywhere else. It's no choice. Ben has a home with his mum, he's not homeless. DP may want to be a good dad but does that have to mean he's also a terrible partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 19/07/2017 20:38

Thank you for the links, that's very kind of you.

OP posts:
Windycityblues · 19/07/2017 20:41

As other posters have said the priority is to seek help for your mental health, maybe start with GP and Samaritans.

This does not sound like a relationship that will work for you. Your DP isn't able to explain calmly to that he is the parent of two children and needs to be able to step up and parent effectively. You should not be trying to prevent this and he should not be allowing you to.

That said your mental health needs to be the first issue you tackle, finding alternative accommodation can come second if you are not able to support your partner.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 19/07/2017 20:41

@Rainybo thanks for that helpful comment, I've read your previous posts and can see why you would say that to me as a partner of a separated man with children!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 19/07/2017 20:42

How did younlive/support yourself before you moved in with your dp? What's changed?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2017 20:44

The bottom line is you are expecting your partner to choose you over his own son. That's simply untenable.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 19/07/2017 20:44

I moved area and took a lower paid job. I felt we would get married.

OP posts: